Do I trust my apprehension instead of going with my heart (follow up post)?

[lostfaith400]

Been with same man for 5 years and during that time, always concerned about his financial judgement and lack of resources. We are in love BUT this issue seems to never get resolved. He lost his job (which didn't pay much) 7 months ago and just ran out of unemployment; now he can start to collect social security. He realizes he needs another job even part time to make ends meet since he has only a modest amount of savings (which came from an inheritance) but he finally got a job a few months ago, and he gave it up because he said it was too hard to make money and he was waiting on a substitute teacher job which he believed he was getting; HOWEVER, he has a conviction for a money crime from several years ago so the school eventually turned him down. I suppose because of this and his age, getting a job is a real uphill battle. I've tried to help in any way I can; getting him to follow through on jobs and moving forward, but he is now applying to be a LYFT driver and he says that is only temporary until he can find something better - even is that's all he has based on my research, he will only earn about $10/hour after expenses since he doesn't want to work weekends (can't believe he can be that picky). When I ask, he tells me he looks on Indeed.com, but nothing develops. He does start to collect social security so he says he only needs a part time job, but I'm at the end of my rope; should I cut my losses? I can't see living with him unless he gets his act together but I don't want to give up if I'm being unreasonable. I have waited and waited to no avail.

What thoughts or advice can you offer?

Edited January 8, 2018 by lostfaith400

[d0nnivain]

If he's old enough to collect Social Security, you have to recognize that he will never get his financial house in order. Most people lose money as Lyft / Uber drivers because they don't correctly calculate the costs of gas, mileage / wear & tear on the car & the amount of time it takes. If he's unwilling to work weekends, thereby depriving himself of the hot market, this is unrealistic.

 

If you love him & can honestly not care about his poor financial management, stick around. If the money is making you stressed, recognize that a steady SS check is the best it's ever going to be. Most people can't live on SS alone because the national average is about $16,000 year (which includes high wage earners. I think the average person gets $800 - $900 per month). His will be less because he was always habitually underemployed.

Edited January 8, 2018 by d0nnivain

[Arieswoman]

lostfaith400,

If he hasn't got his act together in 5 years he's unlikely to do it in the future.

 

I'd cut your losses unless you see a future of living with him on some Sink Estate(UK)/Trailer Park USA.

 

I'm sorry x

[AngryGromit]

When I ask, he tells me he looks on Indeed.com, but nothing develops.

 

He looks for job leads on Indeed? First off he apparently has no idea how to look for work. The only jobs that get listed on Indeed are the hard to fill positions, maybe 20 to 30% of the positions posted, if that. If your looking for work, you need to look at the career portals on companies websites. Yes were talking about 100's of different companies websites, perhaps more, and you need to keep checking back every week for updates. The reason is it costs a business nothing or almost nothing to post a job on there own companies website, if they can get enough applicants on there own website, why on earth would the pay hundreds of dollars to post a want ad on Indeed? Checking once a day for want job leads is the losers method for looking for work. Yes it is a lot of work to look for work, but that's what your job is when your unemployed, looking for work. Not to search indeed once a day for 10 minutes than go play video games the rest of the day.

 

As for guy your with, he sounds like a loser to me, don't let his lazy ass drag you down, get yourself someone who has some motivation.

Edited January 15, 2018 by AngryGromit

[ankitajii90]

Don't wait for anyone. If he/she really loves you why he/she left that time. Respect her/him decision and move on. Just live life like a flowing water... God Bless!

[Whodatdog]

People generally just dont change that much. He's apparently old enough for Social Security, so he's old enough to know better and to work on his situation, if he wanted to. He apparently doesnt.

 

Accept him for who he is...or dont. But dont expect him to change at this late date.

[Els]

I would say you've waited more than long enough.

[Toots]

It’s never worth waiting on someone. If things aren’t good enough as they are, don’t hold your breath hoping they may change.

[lostfaith400]

He got a job from a friend, so that's the good news.

Bad news: I found out he owes more on his credit cards then he told me, but he is using the inherited money to pay that off BUT he took me to dinner to celebrate his job last night and used his mother's credit cards (he has 2 of hers that he says he uses because "she owes him money", which sounds strange). She is in assisted living and has nothing except he sold her condo, and I'm thinking he is thinking he will rack up her cards and when she dies, they will need to write it off (she is 90).

He also told me on Sunday "no more lies", we are off to a fresh start. Really?

Thoughts??

[Mr. Lucky]

He lost his job (which didn't pay much) 7 months ago and just ran out of unemployment

he doesn't want to work weekends (can't believe he can be that picky).

BUT he took me to dinner to celebrate his job last night and used his mother's credit cards (he has 2 of hers that he says he uses because "she owes him money", which sounds strange).

 

How many lowercase red flags until it adds up to a RED FLAG for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

he finally got a job a few months ago, and he gave it up because he said it was too hard to make money

 

Got it - so he doesn't have much in the way of a work ethic or ambition.

 

HOWEVER, he has a conviction for a money crime from several years ago so the school eventually turned him down.

 

Oh, and he is a petty criminal - niiiice. Marks like this will prevent him from getting many jobs. I am looking to hire an office assistant, something like this would result in a veto.

 

LYFT driver and he says that is only temporary until he can find something better - even is that's all he has based on my research, he will only earn about $10/hour after expenses since he doesn't want to work weekends (can't believe he can be that picky).

 

Wow - yep, zero work ethic. Some times you just have to buck up butter cup, but this guy sounds like he always looks for the easy way out. Its clear to see how he has ended up in this position in life.

 

 

I can't see living with him unless he gets his act together but I don't want to give up if I'm being unreasonable. I have waited and waited to no avail.

What thoughts or advice can you offer?

 

Don't hold your breath, I am betting this guy has NEVER had his act together. Mommy probably bails him out.

 

He got a job from a friend, so that's the good news.

 

Wait till his friend discovers his lack of gumption and work ethic. I wouldn't count on this lasting long.

 

f BUT he took me to dinner to celebrate his job last night and used his mother's credit cards (he has 2 of hers that he says he uses because "she owes him money", which sounds strange). She is in assisted living and has nothing except he sold her condo, and I'm thinking he is thinking he will rack up her cards and when she dies, they will need to write it off (she is 90).

He also told me on Sunday "no more lies", we are off to a fresh start. Really?

Thoughts??

 

Thoughts? Yes its called Elder Abuse. Unless his name is on those cards, he has no right to use them.

 

His 90 year old mother OWES him money?!?! Are you kidding me? Gross. He should be supporting his mother, that is how it is supposed to work.

 

Honey, run fast, run hard. This guy is a dirt bag - and will no doubt mooch off of you if you allow him to.

[O'Malley]

If you're wanting a partner who meets a 'responsible' checklist, it's not and will never be this guy. He's set in his ways and has no investment in changing his behavior. Take a hard look at how he treats and discusses his mother, because eventually he'll try to do the same to you.

 

Your safest bet is to end the relationship. Regardless of what decision you make, never let him move in with you, never pay his bills, never allow him access to your financials and never co-sign a loan for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Regardless of what decision you make' date=' never let him move in with you, never pay his bills, never allow him access to your financials and never co-sign a loan for him.[/quote']

 

The OP could clarify, but I'd guess on one or more counts of your sage advice - too late ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lostfaith400]

As you may know, I posted here recently about leaving my bf of 5 years. However, we have discussed the issue in a lot more detail and I've given it more thought. Your replies were very helpful and I'm grateful for all of them, but I need to summarize where things are and I'd really appreciate your input. I have also provided brief background for those members who didn't read my original post. Here it is:

 

 

I have a bf for several years who you really loves me and wants to marry me. I’m really hesitating moving forward because of what I see as a red flag. In particular, he has trouble with making the right financial decisions sometimes. He doesn’t spend money like a drunken sailor but he underestimates financial effects. Examples are: he in the past has way overspent on credit cards and but for the Gift (see below) he only made modest payments; he doesn’t think you need much money to retire (he is retirement age) if you collect social security and work (and with about $25k in the Bank that was a Gift to him which he refers to as a “windfall”); he on occasion uses a credit card for himself that account belongs to his elderly parent but he is authorized to use it (even though he has his own credit cards and money to pay it); he is the power of attorney for his parent and hasn’t paid off his elderly parent’s credit card because he says if they die the balance will be forgiven even though the parent has enough money to pay almost all of it now; he wants to give me his paycheck once we live together and I can make the financial decisions about how to spend the money. he says I shouldn’t worry about his financial decisions since I’m good at making those decisions and we will “balance each other out”. If we live together he will live in my beautiful home (he has an apt) etc. other than what I’ve mentioned he has no assets except a car with a loan. Am I blowing this out of proportion or do you also see a red flag enough for me to leave him even though I really love him too??? Is it unrealistic to expect someone to be financially independent and prudent too?

[CptInsano]

First, what he does with the parent's credit card is simply fraud. He either defrauds the parent or the later estate. There is no such thing as "forgiveness" when it comes to finances, meaning that somebody has to pay or take a loss. With the power of attorney he is supposed to act in the interest of his parent, not his own.

 

I would keep my finances as far away from this guy as possible.

[divegrl]

Money is a huge area of compatibility. Over time it will lead to anger and resentment.

 

I would recommend couples counseling; see if you can find common ground.

 

Good luck my friend.

[she'stheone]

Hi lostfaith400,

 

For most couples, financial stability/decisions typically falls on the man. The key word here is TYPICALLY.

 

It sounds to me like he doesn't have financial stability but he also isn't a reckless spend thrift (I do not know more than what you typed above so I may be wrong.)

 

When two people are together and are considering marriage it's important to get the big (and small) items out of the way.

 

If he's willing to give you his paycheck and allow you to manage the money, then I see nothing wrong with that...

 

...as long as YOU are OK with taking on that role/responsibility.

 

If you are not, if it's a deal breaker then that too is OK. You are entitled to your feelings and opinions regardless of what anyone else says.

 

Now, if you're feelings and opinions are stopping you from being with an incredible man who loves you and you love in return, if it's someone who you can see spending the rest of your life with, you might want to examine your beliefs and figure out WHY this bothers you.

 

Then you can decide if that belief should be changed so you can move forward with this man.

 

If on the other hand, you find many other problems in the relationship and this is just one of the bigger ones, you should probably take a look more closely at the relationship as a whole.

 

Sometimes, even though we claim we want to be in a committed relationship that leads to marriage, our beliefs tell a completely different story, which is why we can find fault in everyone we meet.

 

This allows us to avoid that committed relationship with the ability to blame it on the other person.

 

"He/she doesn't make enough money, he/she is too nice (I had a friend say this), he/she is too cold, he/she eats soup with a fork, etc."

 

Sending you much love and light

[lostfaith400]

does it make a difference that he is 65 years old and only wants to work for 5 more years and just starting collecting social security? Will there be a money issue if he retires in 5 years and has only a small amount saved (as compared to me, where I've saved my whole life)?

[Gaeta]

he is the power of attorney for his parent and hasn’t paid off his elderly parent’s credit card because he says if they die the balance will be forgiven even though the parent has enough money to pay almost all of it now;

 

This is not true.

 

When you die your creditors are lining up to get access to your inheritance. If he inherit money or assets he will have to sell them to pay his parents creditors. What he's doing is waiting for his parents to die and for their assets to pay off his-expenses on their cards. What does it say about his character?

[Gaeta]

I have just read your last thread, what are you doing with this man? Not only he's lazy but he's a convicted fraud criminal.

 

Listen, love has very little to do with things. This man will suck the life (and economy) out of you. Are you with him because you are afraid of not finding someone new at your age? My grand-mother remarried at 75 with an amazing gentleman and they spent their last years traveling and enjoying life together. There is no age to fall in love.

 

This man will only bring you stress, disappointment, and a whole lot of resentment.

[she'stheone]

does it make a difference that he is 65 years old and only wants to work for 5 more years and just starting collecting social security? Will there be a money issue if he retires in 5 years and has only a small amount saved (as compared to me, where I've saved my whole life)?

 

There will only be a money issue if there is one to you. If you accept him for who he is (which you should IF you want things to work out) then you know what you're getting into up front.

 

If that does NOT work for you then you have your answer.

 

Money can be a big issue in any relationship, and an even bigger issue when one person wants the other to change.

 

For a relationship to work, we need to accept our partner for who they are without EXPECTING them to change (we can hope but that's about it).

 

That is not to say that if this issue is a deal breaker for you that you should accept it. You most definitely should NOT.

 

Only YOU can determine what is important to you in your relationship. Once you do that act accordingly.

 

Sending you much love and light

[d0nnivain]

Date him if you like but do not get financially entangled with him through marriage loans or any other way.

[smackie9]

He's lying to you about his parents credit cards, there will be financial repercussions. He's draining their accounts, I bet money on it. I doubt it will be his paycheck he is handing over, it will be the money he has been stealing from his parents.

 

This guy is bad news, and if you live together, and you start to handle his money, you will be arrested and go down with him ....maybe even possibly you left holding the bag while he takes off and changes his ID. That is why he wants you to handle his money....so it can't be traced to him.

 

DON'T GET INVOLVED!

Edited January 23, 2018 by smackie9

[Versacehottie]

He is bending the truth with regard to his parent's credit card (that's kind way to put it). In any case, his morals regarding money are definitely compromised. I wouldn't fool myself to think that he wouldn't do that in areas beyond money and to people beyond his parents, i.e. you. I agree with whoever said resentment is bound to build a lot!! You will be mad at him for continuing to live irresponsibly and mad at yourself for allowing him deep into your life. BTW, your retirement money I'm assuming was meant to support you not two people and he's not going to be able to contribute (and sounds like he's announced that he won't). You can't be scared to find a new guy even if you are similarly aged to him.