blogsabout Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 (edited) Hi LoveShack'ers A very overwhelming experience, considering that I have been working a lot on myself the past years, meditation and really thought I was getting my game together in a calm og "non-reactive" matter. I met this cute girl(more then a decade younger than me - I'm in a my late 30's, she is in her mid 20's) at the gym, that according to her has been checking me out months before we even got to talk. We talked and I invited her for a date and ended up at her place doing the hanky panky all night. She idealized me, told me how I was the first guy she took home etc. She knew I was about to leave on a few months of travelling, obviously adding to the excitement and mystery and that it would end soon. So we ended up hanky panky all day long when not at work the following 4 days before I left and had a romantic and lovely time. In the midst of the excitement and butterflies, I told her to come see me "out there". We wrote text and talked on Skype (Too long, big mistake from my part, already giving it a "relationship" feel) I went on a retreat for a month where we didn't talk an when I returned the intensity of the texts and excitement had changed. I spend too much time worrying if we were just friends (her texts sounded very "friendzoned" and no sexual innuendos as we did prior. 2 months into my travelling she came and we met in the airport. I was thinking that it would be interested to see if she wanted to kiss and all my antennas were super alert to try to read her. She turned her cheek. My pre-wondering was taking control of me and I had a hard time to relax. My old pattern of fear of rejection. I'm sure she could feel that too and things weren't comfortable. After a few days, when we were eating a restaurant, she said something that triggered me (She was testing me a lot with those triggers - I bounced them off to start with) but felt that this would be a looong week and I just couldn't imagine being stuck with her and that feeling I had inside. I told her we had to split, she wasn't happy (Really my own projection) and that I would travel by myself. I was reactive and not handelling the situation as calm and collected as I would have dreamed of. She mentioned that the following day and she was right. It was with a very serious voice and nothing that build up and just threw the bomb. On our way home we opened up and talked said sorry both of us for not being better at communicating. We went out for a drink and kissed. The next day she asked me If I had thought of what I wanted and I said I needed to think for a moment. She knew what that meant and said she would pack her stuff. She got tense and heated, which I totally understand. I told her the right thing was to leave. I had that pain in my stomach and somehow I believed I could only get rid of that if she left. And this is where my dilemma is. The fact that I couldn't deal with it differently because I was so "hung up" by my own emotions, I just couldn't say to her that we should sit and talk about it. She flew half way around the world to come join afterall. I knew if we talked about it, we might end up staying together and I just couldn't feel that would solve my "pain in my stomach"(that rejection feeling) It's really weird and I felt like such an jerk after she left. We wrote some texts and I said I was really said how this had ended and felt guilt for leaving her after she flew to the other side of the world. She said don't be sad and don't feel guilt and that it was her fault for not communicating cleared to start with and there were no hard feelings from her part. I re-scheduled my flight and left a few days earlier. I haven't contacted her since - I feel so much shame for behaving like that, not trying to solve it before it all escalated and instead causing so much drama (I always say I don't want drama). The fact of the matter is that I didn't just let it flow naturally. I was to afraid of that friendzone thing. In retrospective, I was hurt. I was too attached. I was more interested in her than she was in me. And when I felt she didn't care, I had to "escape before being hurt". How do we learn to forgive ourself for doing something like this? If I was 17 I could understand...I thought I was much longer in my process. And how do you deal with this in the future? I don't want to be afraid or fearful but take it day by day. Don't want my old patterns to re-appear. Don't want to be reactive. I started out so promising, but started to act weak and betamale. Not something I'm proud of We both have a deep fear of being hurt - so sometimes I'm thinking if we both outsmarted eachother. Ohh...isn't love just something special Edited January 23, 2018 by blogsabout
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Let this woman go. You had a whirlwind sexual relationship. Then you went traveling. At what I imagine was at significant cost, she traveled half way around the world to see you & shortly after her arrival you dumped her but other than your own insecurities seemingly stemming from her not making out with you at the Airport & something she said at dinner you couldn't even explain why you dumped her. This pain in your stomach doesn't explain it. In her place, I can't imagine ever speaking to you again. 2
kendahke Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 I just couldn't imagine being stuck with her and that feeling I had inside. I told her we had to split, and that I would travel by myself. so let me get this straight here: She flew half way around the world to come join afterall. Who invites someone to come join them on the other side of the world and then when she's there, you tell her you're abandoning her to go off on your own? What was she supposed to do? Twiddle her thumbs? Change her ticket return date, which costs money, and fly home? Yeah--don't date.
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