creativenyc Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 Hi guys. I have been NC for almost three weeks now, but I'm having a really hard time staying there. It feels like it's getting harder day by day. I also don't know if I should be the one reaching out because it wasn't really a typical breakup. My boyfriend (37M) of three years broke up with me (31F) during a heated argument. We met up a couple days later when we were both calm to discuss everything. Basically he is having an existential crisis and needs to find himself and figure out what he wants in life (by extension, where our relationship is going). He's also going through a lot -- without getting into too much detail, it has to do with finances and relocating his two kids 11F and 5M. We've been arguing a lot over the past couple months because of all of this. When he broke up with me, he said he just wasn't happy anymore. When we met up, it felt like he was forcing himself to break up with me. He didn't even want to leave. We had a real heart to heart and he said he knows he is the problem and that our arguments were not caused by me at all. He said other than his kids, I'm the only one making him happy, and that he's sorry for the way he's been treating me. He didn't take back the break up though. I asked him where we stood and he didn't have an answer for me. He also stayed with me for a few hours ("I just want to be here with you"), when he could have just gone home after our talk (we didn't do anything, just ordered in and sat there). And then when he finally did leave, he pulled me in for a hug, said he loved me and wouldn't let go. When I was able to free myself, I asked him again if we were broken up. He said "I don't know," gave me a quick hug and just left me there. 10 minutes later he texted me saying he noticed I was wearing the necklace he gave me for my birthday last year, followed by an I love you. This was almost three weeks ago and we haven't talked since. I wanted to give him time and space to figure things out on his own so I never reached out, but I was sure he'd have contacted me by now. I don't know if I'm handling this the right way. Is NC the way to go? Should I reach out at some point? I miss him and the kids so much. I want to know how he's doing, if he and the kids are okay, where he's at with figuring things out, if he's feeling better, etc. I feel like if this were like my other breakups where it was cut and dry, it would be somewhat easier to stay NC and start the moving on process. I don't know, can you guys give me your thoughts please? Thanks, feeling so emotional today.
PegNosePete Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 I wanted to give him time and space to figure things out on his own so I never reached out, but I was sure he'd have contacted me by now. Yes, that was the best way to handle things. And now you have your answer. His silence speaks volumes. As you say, if he wanted to fix the relationship he would have contacted you by now (accompanied by apologies, flowers and chocolates). The fact that he hasn't done that, means he has made his choice: he doesn't want the relationship, or you, back. I don't know if I'm handling this the right way. Is NC the way to go? Yes, you're doing the right thing. He's made it quite clear (by his silence) that the relationship is 100% over. NC is the best way for you to move on. 2
CaliBabe Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 Agree with Pegnosepete, his silence is your answer. Someone who wants to work things out will be very clear. He is the dumper so it is up to him to fix things. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 Initially NC was the absolute wrong way to go if you did not want to break up. Now the passage of 3 weeks the lack of communication on either side has made it permanent. Here's what you have to remember about hard times in a relationship. Taking a few hours to cool off is fine. NC is about healing. It should not be used to punish somebody (the silent treatment) or to manipulate them into missing you. If there is any hope of fixing the problems, you have to communicate and work together. If you can't do that, you might as well just split apart.
Author creativenyc Posted January 23, 2018 Author Posted January 23, 2018 Initially NC was the absolute wrong way to go if you did not want to break up. Now the passage of 3 weeks the lack of communication on either side has made it permanent. Here's what you have to remember about hard times in a relationship. Taking a few hours to cool off is fine. NC is about healing. It should not be used to punish somebody (the silent treatment) or to manipulate them into missing you. If there is any hope of fixing the problems, you have to communicate and work together. If you can't do that, you might as well just split apart. I don't see how initially NC was the wrong way when he didn't take back wanting to break up, so I treated it as a break up. He already knows I didn't want things to end. He's the one who said he didn't know what to do. So to me the onus was on him to reach out once he figured it out. I wasn't using NC to punish him or manipulate him (where did you get that?). I used it to give him time and space and to get himself together.
Author creativenyc Posted January 23, 2018 Author Posted January 23, 2018 Agree with Pegnosepete, his silence is your answer. Someone who wants to work things out will be very clear. He is the dumper so it is up to him to fix things. Thank you. This is how I viewed things too. I also thought, he's the one who ended things, he's the one who hurt me. It's not up to me to chase him and see where he's at. I asked twice when we met up and he didn't have an answer for me, and maybe that's all the asking I need to do. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 Since you didn't want the break up waiting 3 weeks to wonder if you should talk to him now was counter productive. I might have given in 24 hours then asked for another meeting to discuss his fears & issues. Either way I would have left that meeting with clarity. Now obviously since he hasn't reached out it's over. My point remains that you can't fix a problem without talking to each other & working together. If one partner doesn't want to do that the default is of course break up. Here the passage of time made the BU permanent. If there had been even a small chance to salvage it that opportunity passed.
harrybrown Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 maybe you should let him go. but if you want closure, you did not get it at the last meeting. you may not get it now, but if you feel you need more communication, you can call. that way you do not know if he missed your email or text. I did have a friend that was in an accident and no contact due to the accident. Hope you find some peace. 1
Author creativenyc Posted January 23, 2018 Author Posted January 23, 2018 Since you didn't want the break up waiting 3 weeks to wonder if you should talk to him now was counter productive. I might have given in 24 hours then asked for another meeting to discuss his fears & issues. Either way I would have left that meeting with clarity. Now obviously since he hasn't reached out it's over. My point remains that you can't fix a problem without talking to each other & working together. If one partner doesn't want to do that the default is of course break up. Here the passage of time made the BU permanent. If there had been even a small chance to salvage it that opportunity passed. I think you might have misunderstood. He broke up with me, we met up a couple days later and had a heart to heart about everything. I don't see where asking for another meeting 24 hours later is necessary since we had done that already. Also I didn't WAIT 3 weeks to talk to him -- I gave him time. There's a difference (when someone tells you he needs to figure himself out, that's something he needs to do on his own). NOW is when I thought he would have reached out. Does that make sense?
Author creativenyc Posted January 23, 2018 Author Posted January 23, 2018 maybe you should let him go. but if you want closure, you did not get it at the last meeting. you may not get it now, but if you feel you need more communication, you can call. that way you do not know if he missed your email or text. I did have a friend that was in an accident and no contact due to the accident. Hope you find some peace. Thank you, I really appreciate that.
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