Stopme Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 Hello all, just venting really but if you want to share your experiences it might help. So I have had an on again/off again thing with this man for a year. It was never a relationship because every time we got close he pushed me away and said he 'didn't want a relationship'. So we would have an argument about him not treating me with respect and wouldn't see each other for weeks/months. Then we would reconnect. Eventually, at the start of this year I had enough and told him goodbye. This was because the last time we spoke just before the New Year he admitted to having feelings for me, as I have for him, but we spend New Years Eve apart. So actions speak louder than words and I was upset. Enough! It really hurts though, I miss him. It's hard to justify missing/loving someone who were never really with. I'm angry too at him, he should not say he has feelings and then leave my life as if it doesn't matter. He lives near me too, which is hard because I often see him, in fact he drove down my street a few days ago. I can't move for various reasons. How long will it take to stop loving him? I can't understand why I fell in love with a guy who treated me like this anyway. Thoughts?
hercules22 Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 noone can give you a straight answer cause everyone processes there own feeling at their own pace all we could say is time heals wounds the more time passes by you will eventually forget about him
drakon12 Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 One question, were you having sex? If you were, there is his motivation. Because I just can't imagine myself not being with a girl who I like and likes me back. Also, if you were having sex, that might've triggered your bonding chemicals and that's what makes women think they've fell in love, most of the time. 1
act00 Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 There's no easy answer. You just have to stop. You can either accept this will be on and off and just go along with no expectations until you meet someone else, and that means actively date, or just go NC. You may wish to shop at other locations for awhile in order to avoid accidentally running into him. NC is probably the best course. Find something to occupy yourself. It's not like you saw much of him anyway. I've done this, and at some point you just have to realize it is never going to be and let it go. Date others. Don't plan or expect anything from him. If he contacts you, don't respond or tell him you are no longer interested in having a relationship with him. Any change he makes will be short-lived, so if you decide to give it another try, don't expect it to work out. You really just have to remind yourself, he's not going to change and this is not going to work out. You want more.
divegrl Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 This man is emotionally unavailable. He says he does not want a relationship, take him at his word. In the past I’ve fallen for these men because I’ve felt lonely or had low self worth. They give us attention and a sense of connection. We become attached and feel like we can’t let go even though they treat us badly. You need to regain your self esteem and have higher standards. Hugs my friend. 2
KBarletta Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 I've been in a similar situation recently, though the roles are reversed. I'm the guy and am interested in a woman who has been a longtime friend who has been hot and cold. Some days she acts like we're in a relationship, other days she behaves as if she barely cares about me. It's a difficult thing to do, but my advice is to back away. That's what I've done. I think if things are going to happen at some point, taking some time and space for yourself and collecting your thoughts, figuring out what you want, letting some time and space grow between you, this all might be good. See how you feel after some time apart and then maybe things will change. One thing is for sure, if your situation is anything like mine (and it sure sounds like it is), the status quo can't continue. So take some time for yourself and see what happens. Just my $0.02. 1
she'stheone Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 HI Stopme, I agree with you that this man did not treat you properly. With that said, that is NOT his fault. We tend to blame others for our own bad behavior. Someone treats us badly, we blame them, then we allow it to happen again and we again blame them. Now, to be clear, I am NOT saying it is OK for anyone to treat another person, male or female, badly, it is NOT! The challenge is to look at ourselves and see why we would allow someone to do this to us. When I was younger, I was dating a woman who treated me like crap. Why? Well, at the time, I had a very low self esteem and when this pretty girl was willing to give me the time of day that was good enough for me. I allowed her to take advantage of my generosity as well as cheat on me and I took her back every time. Was this her fault? Absolutely NOT! (Yes, her behavior was poor but who allowed that?) It was my fault for allowing it. Over time, I have improved my self-esteem and today I would never allow someone like that into my life, much less date them. I have no ill-feelings towards this woman (I did at the time and I blamed her as well...it could never have been my fault...right? Wrong!), in fact I appreciate her today for helping me learn and grow (again, that is today, not back then). When we stop blaming others for the situations and pain we create for ourselves, it empowers us to grow and learn to love ourselves more fully. Sending you much love and light 3
KBarletta Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 HI Stopme, I agree with you that this man did not treat you properly. With that said, that is NOT his fault. We tend to blame others for our own bad behavior. Someone treats us badly, we blame them, then we allow it to happen again and we again blame them. Now, to be clear, I am NOT saying it is OK for anyone to treat another person, male or female, badly, it is NOT! The challenge is to look at ourselves and see why we would allow someone to do this to us. When I was younger, I was dating a woman who treated me like crap. Why? Well, at the time, I had a very low self esteem and when this pretty girl was willing to give me the time of day that was good enough for me. I allowed her to take advantage of my generosity as well as cheat on me and I took her back every time. Was this her fault? Absolutely NOT! (Yes, her behavior was poor but who allowed that?) It was my fault for allowing it. Over time, I have improved my self-esteem and today I would never allow someone like that into my life, much less date them. I have no ill-feelings towards this woman (I did at the time and I blamed her as well...it could never have been my fault...right? Wrong!), in fact I appreciate her today for helping me learn and grow (again, that is today, not back then). When we stop blaming others for the situations and pain we create for ourselves, it empowers us to grow and learn to love ourselves more fully. Sending you much love and light I agree with a good bit of this, but I would argue that it IS the person's fault if they treat their friend/partner/SO/FWB like crap. The FIRST time. Every time after that, it's on the person who allows it to continue. But the first time is certainly on the person who is the bad actor. They can't be excused completely.
she'stheone Posted January 23, 2018 Posted January 23, 2018 I agree with a good bit of this, but I would argue that it IS the person's fault if they treat their friend/partner/SO/FWB like crap. The FIRST time. Every time after that, it's on the person who allows it to continue. But the first time is certainly on the person who is the bad actor. They can't be excused completely. Hi KBarletta, Remember, it is we who chose to be involved with this friend/partner/SO/FWB etc. We all have incredible intuition, yes, even us men. We've just forgotten how to use it and more importantly TRUST it. (That is a whole different topic) When we look back on that "First time", we realize we saw the signs were there we just "missed" them. So, it still comes back to us, allowing these people into our lives in the first place. Here's the thing, when we blame others for our situation it gives away our power. We are helpless and subject to the whims of others. When we take responsibility for every aspect of our lives it empowers us. WE choose who comes into our lives. WE choose to walk away when our intuition alarm bells start going off, so we never give "those" people a chance to treat us like crap. Sending you much love and light
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