Drawing the line?

[rebeccamuller]

So here recently I’ve seen several posts along the lines of “if you really love someone, you can overcome anything” and “you’re going to get hurt in a relationship, you just have to figure out whose worth the fight”

 

It got me to thinking. Is there hurt in every relationship? I know people make mistakes but where do you draw the line? Is there even a line to be drawn or do you constantly forgive the person you love in order to make it work?

 

Not for personal experience but i am really curious on other people’s opinions on this

[Happy Lemming]

 

It got me to thinking. Is there hurt in every relationship?

 

I think I can say the majority of my relationships did NOT involve hurt or pain.

 

I was in one where we just grew in different directions and we both wanted out and it was done, peacefully with no hurt.

 

Another one where the woman I was dating was transferred for work. We didn't argue or fight about it. We hugged good-bye and she moved.

 

Another one had a major family issue, where she had to move half-way across the country. I told her under the circumstances, she should go. We said good-bye with love in our hearts.

 

In one case, I had a move planned (my nomadic gene in my DNA was screaming for a change of scenery). The woman I was dating knew this and knew we had a finite amount of time together. We still had fun, enjoyed the relationship and hugged good-bye when I left.

 

These are just a few of my examples...

Edited January 23, 2018 by Happy Lemming
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[LilySun]

I don't think there is a solid answer because people and relationships vary... Some people tolerate things more than others. For example a wife might leave her husband at the 1st sign of cheating and never look back. In another relationship they might choose to work through it and I have actually known of couples to survive this kind of thing, and come out stronger in the end. In other cases her husband would have to be caught cheating several times before she does anything about it.

 

I think an extent of hurt can be present even for healthy couples that have the occasional argument and say things they regret. But if we are talking hurt as in cheating or abuse or neglect, we can easily say no one should stick around even for a second, but the truth is we don't know how we'd handle it unless it actually happens to us. So there is always what seems logical and right to you, but not everyone has the same idea of what that means, and not everyone will respond the same way as you. So we can have our opinions of what is right or wrong, but depending on the person and relationship, it's really them to decide this stuff when it comes down to it.

[BaileyB]

So here recently I’ve seen several posts along the lines of “if you really love someone, you can overcome anything” and “you’re going to get hurt in a relationship, you just have to figure out whose worth the fight”

 

It got me to thinking. Is there hurt in every relationship? I know people make mistakes but where do you draw the line? Is there even a line to be drawn or do you constantly forgive the person you love in order to make it work?

 

Not for personal experience but i am really curious on other people’s opinions on this

 

Neither of those statements apply to a good, healthy relationship. If you are asking yourself those kinds of questions, if you feel like there is hurt in every relationship, it's a sign that you are involved in some very unhealthy relationships...

[drakon12]

Well, let's approach this topic very logically and on-to-point. Why people are chasing relationships? There might be many answers to this; like sex, fun, having children, feeling safe, bragging about their catch, to love and to be loved,...

 

But all these answers lead us to a single point. HAPPINESS. We crave relationships, intimacy, emotional bonds, because deep down we all want to be happy. If your relationship is making you miserable, you have every right to walk away. I'm not talking about little arguments or trivial problems here. Nothing and nobody is flawless so these can happen and with both sides' efforts they can be fixed. I'm talking about relationships that really make you miserable.

 

"If you really love someone, you can overcome anything" sounds naive, especially when your partner's not that into you. This year, I fell in love for the first time in my life, even though I am 25. As a man, I felt a motivation and determination I've never felt before. I'd make her mine, no matter the cost. I did my best. But when the person you love doesn't want anything, when she's not even willing to giving you a chance no matter how good you are, it's all for nothing. After seeing that you just can't bring yourself into "overcoming anything for your love". At least that's how I think based on my life experience.

[anika99]

There is going to be hurt feelings or conflict from time to time in any longterm relationship and it's okay to forgive and/or compromise for the good of the relationship sometimes. Say for example a wife has a husband who just sucks at remembering special days and when he does remember he sucks even more at gift giving. Like he decides to buy her a new broom for her birthday because just the other day he heard her say "we need a new broom"...lol. The wife would be understandably hurt over a forgotten birthday or a broom for a gift, but if he's a wonderful partner in other ways it definitely worthwhile to forgive and then to work on teaching him a thing or two.

 

Small hurts and even sometimes bigger hurts can be forgiven and overcome provided that the couple both respect and love each other. However it gets into dangerous territory when it's not just hurt feelings over minor things. It's a problem if fighting for a relationship means compromising your integrity, your morals or your self respect. If one person has to endure any sort of verbal, emotional, physical, or financial abuse then it's unhealthy. If the list of cons outweighs the lists of pros it's unhealthy. If the wife didn't get a gift for her birthday because her husband was out getting drunk with his friends and blowing the grocery money like he always does then that's not a relationship you fight for.

 

No person is perfect and no person is going to be the perfect partner in a longterm relationship so there is going to be problems occasionally but blatant disrespect or dishonesty should never be tolerated.

[kendahke]

. Is there hurt in every relationship?

 

Of course there is. Human nature is to disappoint because we can't live up to others' unexpressed expectations of us, as we're not mind readers. So yeah, hurt is there to teach and develop wisdom and judgment--and if hurt didn't exist, people would be shallow and childish because they haven't developed past the reasoning of a child.

 

 

I know people make mistakes but where do you draw the line? Is there even a line to be drawn or do you constantly forgive the person you love in order to make it work?

 

A mistake is using bicarb instead of baking powder in the cake batter.

 

Doing something you know your partner does not like (and they've told you very clearly as much) more than twice is called "willfully establishing a pattern of behavior in the face of known information".

[smackie9]

I was in one abusive relationship...but I was 15 and didn't know any better. I learned a lot about it, and never stayed in a relationship that was so hurtful and abusive again. If things turned bad I didn't stick around.

[Miss Spider]

I think people who say stuff like that watch too many romantic dramas/novels. Besides, healthy relationships in the real world never have to deal with that stuff.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Of course there are hurts in every relationship.

 

However, I believe that both sided real love is exceptionally rare. I mean love on all levels, rather than companionship type of attachment that’s typical in a LTR or marriage. Hell, I grew attached to my housemate after living with him for some period of time. Attachment-love is not to be confused with being “in love”. When that’s present it’s pretty much impossible to walk away from. I’m talking about that feeling that you would walk for 50 years in the desert sun just to be with that person. Only exceptions I can think of are serious abuse and repeated infidelity (but I would argue that infidelity doesn’t happen when that feeling is present).

[she'stheone]

Hi rebeccamuller,

 

I believe that most people get "hurt", because their own pain is triggered by a partner.

 

I know there are many things I’ve done that have triggered my girlfriend (and vice versa). What we both practice is, when we get triggered we work to discover what it is that got triggered so we can release it and heal and grow.

 

While we may apologize to each other for causing the other any pain, we recognize that our pain is an opportunity to grow.

 

So, if you’re with someone who triggers you a lot (you get hurt a lot) it is an opportunity for growth. It’s not really about forgiving the other person as much as it’s forgiving yourself for the pain you feel and have not released.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong, if someone hits you or is abusive, you should not be with that person and…

 

…you still need to look at what was triggered, so you can release it and you can stop getting involved with people who treat you poorly. (Until we change our beliefs and the pain we hold onto we will continue to perpetuate behavior that does not empower us)

 

I find most people simply get angry and hold on to that anger as a way to protect themselves from their own pain. They blame the other person rather than looking inside themselves to discover why they allowed themselves to be abused in the first place.

 

Again, let me be clear, it is NEVER OK for anyone to hurt another…EVER! It’s when our pain is triggered that we have an opportunity to face it, clear it and grow.

 

This is where personal development and spiritual work comes in.

 

So, to answer your question more directly. I believe every relationship, especially the strong ones that allow both people to grow, has hurt in it.

 

We carry so much hurt and pain inside us already, that it's almost impossible to avoid having it triggered from time to time by the people we love and who love us in return.

 

Sending you much love and light.