Anxiety and Love

[Fair]

You're probably feeling this guy's reaction more intensely because of what you've experienced lately and because of your trauma syndrome. When you are lonely, any rejection at all can hurt like a knife through the heart.

 

This guy was not kind to you, though. He probably would have made you feel worse in the long run. A bad relationship would compound this for you so much. If you want to read about how my experience with a a-hole around the time of my husband's death left me reeling with pain, read the post I wrote earlier tonight (talking marriage one day...breaking up the next).

 

I've tried online dating a bit since this all happened, but I know I'm not really ready. I've been trying to build my network of friends instead. It's actually been more fun than dating.

 

Is there a grief group where you live? It could really help you. I thought support groups were BS until I needed one. It helped so much.

 

For your own sake, make sure you are in a psychological place to date before you do it. A break up could devastate you after the loss you've had.

 

Have you ever tried Meetup.com? You could easily make friends through its groups.

 

No, I've never tried Meetup. I will try it. Thanks.

 

You're right about dating. I have to learn everything the hard way, it seems. You just become so desperate for a connection you don't think about the possible consequences or you ignore them. I thought he was so nice, surely he would have understood. It was a shock to see his true colors. Sounded like he'd gotten sloshed ... hadn't heard him like that before today, either.

 

I'm still seeking support groups and so on... I can't deal with this alone.

[Lamartine]

You are going to get through it. Take it a day at a time, and, even if you have to muster every ounce of your energy, do something kind for yourself every day.

 

Do you have a pet? I have two ten year old cats, and having them around has worked wonders for me.

[Fair]

You are going to get through it. Take it a day at a time, and, even if you have to muster every ounce of your energy, do something kind for yourself every day.

 

Do you have a pet? I have two ten year old cats, and having them around has worked wonders for me.

 

Yes, I have a cat. He's not the cuddly kind but I love him dearly and yes, pets are a blessing.

[justwhoiam]

You are angry. And you can come across as aggressive. I've been having this same issue and I am aware of that. You can read about it in my thread in the coping section, if you're interested.

You snap very easily. It takes nothing or very little, really. Reading your posts, at times you come across as self-entitled. Before you start writing something impulsively, let it sink. Take more time to think it over.

 

My take on my personal "I can take no BS anymore" and about having a very limited patience threshold (which would be otherwise very high) is that I must come to terms with the fact that I have no power over what happens to me and to people around me. Being powerless is the opposite of what we've been taught: that we can make decisions, change the course of events, etc. Well, it turns out, life can serve you some s-it on a silver tray. And you don't care about the silver tray anymore, you just see the s-it.

 

Make two steps backward, and try to see things not just from your point of view. That helps. Things might not be what they seem. You have nothing to lose by trying to do that. You might not feel like doing that, that's up to you. But if there's a path you can walk on, you can start walking, or you can turn your back to the path. Up to you.

 

I don't know how many of you read my post about meeting a guy while dealing with anxiety/grief.

I didn't.

 

I hadn't told him I am struggling

This is your own admission to what several people in here pointed out to you: you omitted that. He had no idea what was going on with you.

 

we were to meet today but it fell through because of me.

Second admission: your own full responsibility.

 

He phoned and left a nasty message on my answering machine.

As I can't go with your judgment to form an opinion of my own: what did he say exactly? And most importantly: how did you let him know you cancelled the meeting? Was it a text? And what did you say in your text? This information will give us a better picture of the situation.

 

I phoned him back and tore his head off.

How?

 

he's not sticking around for me after I told him what I'm going through. He was so cold. Then he ran.

You'd scare most people away. You're what people would define as: having issues. You feel offended by people and you recriminate heavily.

 

Nobody seems to think I'm worth anything.

This is your own perception. People didn't come to you and say: you're worth nothing. You think that's what they think of you. And it's very likely that's what you think of yourself deep down.

 

Nobody wants me...

Do you understand the entity of your statement? Most people don't even know you. You might say you are invisible or your needs are invisible to most people. And most people are not psychologists or therapists. They might not have the tools to help you. What if someone tries to help you their own way and they fail? Help is not something you should demand. Help is something you should wish for and welcome. But you also need to be receptive to get help. Saying you want or need help is not enough, if then you fight it.

 

I have no support system left, no friends.

How old are you? You made friends with no one along the years? Or you cut them all off because you felt they haven't been supportive after your losses?

 

I blew up at everyone on FB today after my fight with "HIM" and told them how selfish they are...

You didn't say here, but I sense they sided with him? In a normal situation, this should have made you think: why is anybody siding with him? Have I done anything wrong? But it looks like all your criticism is directed towards others. In a way, you're protecting yourself. You don't want to end up harming yourself. So it's fine somehow. But it comes a time when you have to let go, and realize that such kind of criticism is sterile.

 

I've been going through hell and not one person reached out to console or even give me a word of encouragement

BS. So we're no one? I read words of understanding and encouragement here on LS. Can you acknowledge that?

 

no one tried to help me even when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't even leave the house to take out my garbage

By this, I understand that you've lived in a very closed environment of just 3 people: you, your dad and your sister. Why's that? Did your daily life include friends, fellow students, coworkers, relatives, teachers, neighbors, people in your community? Have you ever made time for any of them? Have you ever devoted any of your time to others? If so, how?

 

At times like this the whole human race looks like selfish scum to me.

Either that or a reflection of how you led your life so far. Or just negativity taking over right now.

 

The only thing I've been left with is a bunch of resentment I want to blast at people so I can get it off my chest... maybe that's the way to heal.

Provided it doesn't last too long. It looks like time for that is over. You now need to move forward.

 

I cancelled my first meet due to my anxiety/grief. not a good enough reason?

I've just read a real story. A famous actor said he was hit by panic attacks when he reached success all of a sudden. It was the fear of people chasing him in the street, the fear of not being up to what people were expecting of him, being inadequate, fear of failing and letting people down, and other similar feelings. It got to the point where he'd say to his girlfriend he'd be coming over and then having to stop his car in the street (that was before mobile phones existed) and call her saying he couldn't make it. He didn't know how to get out of it but realizing he had a serious problem that could affect his career and his well-being, he turned to a psychoanalyst, who told him to do an act of courage: Are you going to your girlfriend? Take a longer route to go there. You'll get paroxysmal tachycardia (acute fast heartbeat), but after like 3 times of that, you'll start feeling better and thank me.

Well, it worked. The first time, he had to call the gf half way to pick him up. But at the 4th time, he started feeling better. He took tranquilizers for a while and then stopped.

 

Extended family members are on my list who know EXACTLY my situation, and don't care.

How close to them were you? Like would you spend time together on Christmas or Thanksgiving? Or were you like estranged and barely in touch with them?

Also, how did your father and your sister die? Are the two deaths linked to one another in any way?

What was your father's relationship with his family and relatives? In all this, you never mentioned your mother. What about her? What about your mother's family?

 

Go and ask them to forgive me is something I will not do.

If you wrote your relatives with accusations, they were just wise with their silence, if the alternative was saying harsh things. Yes, they didn't understand your discomfort. But have you ever shown any interest in them? If you haven't, you're the one at fault. What do you know about their health? They're just as important as you are. You are NOT more important than them.

 

So far they're all ignoring me, pretending they haven't seen my letter

It seems that you made them uncomfortable. If you want to share your letter with me, I'll take time to read it and give you my perspective on it.

 

You don't know anything about grief and anxiety.

Ease up on such drastic statements.

 

I was dealing and still am, with a severe panic disorder

How long ago did you start seeing your counselor? Did things improve somehow since then? If so, how?

 

I told them Karma's a bitch, among other things.

It looks like you're really targeting them. They might be scared. Give them a break for now.

 

I'm so disappointed in this guy's reaction today.

And he's probably disappointed in you. You're even.

 

I really hoped for a connection and some understanding.

You're not in a good place right now, and it's hard to start a connection like that.

 

I spent most of the day crying

I hear you. I find myself feeling that way too. When did you lose your father and sister? You're still grieving, and crying is part of the process. Edited January 28, 2018 by justwhoiam

[ohso]

You just become so desperate for a connection you don't think about the possible consequences or you ignore them. I thought he was so nice, surely he would have understood. It was a shock to see his true colors. Sounded like he'd gotten sloshed ... hadn't heard him like that before today, either.

 

I'm still seeking support groups and so on... I can't deal with this alone.

 

I know it's hard and I'm sorry you're going though it. But you clearly see who he is and how it's going to be.

 

You deserve better. You will find someone who is nice and kind like you.

 

Until then, it's better to be alone than with wrong person. I see you know this. Be your own best friend. It will get better with time.

 

Hugs!

[Fair]

You are angry. And you can come across as aggressive. I've been having this same issue and I am aware of that. You can read about it in my thread in the coping section, if you're interested.

You snap very easily. It takes nothing or very little, really. Reading your posts, at times you come across as self-entitled. Before you start writing something impulsively, let it sink. Take more time to think it over.

 

My take on my personal "I can take no BS anymore" and about having a very limited patience threshold (which would be otherwise very high) is that I must come to terms with the fact that I have no power over what happens to me and to people around me. Being powerless is the opposite of what we've been taught: that we can make decisions, change the course of events, etc. Well, it turns out, life can serve you some s-it on a silver tray. And you don't care about the silver tray anymore, you just see the s-it.

 

Make two steps backward, and try to see things not just from your point of view. That helps. Things might not be what they seem. You have nothing to lose by trying to do that. You might not feel like doing that, that's up to you. But if there's a path you can walk on, you can start walking, or you can turn your back to the path. Up to you.

 

I didn't.

 

This is your own admission to what several people in here pointed out to you: you omitted that. He had no idea what was going on with you.

 

Second admission: your own full responsibility.

 

As I can't go with your judgment to form an opinion of my own: what did he say exactly? And most importantly: how did you let him know you cancelled the meeting? Was it a text? And what did you say in your text? This information will give us a better picture of the situation.

 

How?

 

You'd scare most people away. You're what people would define as: having issues. You feel offended by people and you recriminate heavily.

 

This is your own perception. People didn't come to you and say: you're worth nothing. You think that's what they think of you. And it's very likely that's what you think of yourself deep down.

 

Do you understand the entity of your statement? Most people don't even know you. You might say you are invisible or your needs are invisible to most people. And most people are not psychologists or therapists. They might not have the tools to help you. What if someone tries to help you their own way and they fail? Help is not something you should demand. Help is something you should wish for and welcome. But you also need to be receptive to get help. Saying you want or need help is not enough, if then you fight it.

 

How old are you? You made friends with no one along the years? Or you cut them all off because you felt they haven't been supportive after your losses?

 

You didn't say here, but I sense they sided with him? In a normal situation, this should have made you think: why is anybody siding with him? Have I done anything wrong? But it looks like all your criticism is directed towards others. In a way, you're protecting yourself. You don't want to end up harming yourself. So it's fine somehow. But it comes a time when you have to let go, and realize that such kind of criticism is sterile.

 

BS. So we're no one? I read words of understanding and encouragement here on LS. Can you acknowledge that?

 

By this, I understand that you've lived in a very closed environment of just 3 people: you, your dad and your sister. Why's that? Did your daily life include friends, fellow students, coworkers, relatives, teachers, neighbors, people in your community? Have you ever made time for any of them? Have you ever devoted any of your time to others? If so, how?

 

Either that or a reflection of how you led your life so far. Or just negativity taking over right now.

 

Provided it doesn't last too long. It looks like time for that is over. You now need to move forward.

 

 

I've just read a real story. A famous actor said he was hit by panic attacks when he reached success all of a sudden. It was the fear of people chasing him in the street, the fear of not being up to what people were expecting of him, being inadequate, fear of failing and letting people down, and other similar feelings. It got to the point where he'd say to his girlfriend he'd be coming over and then having to stop his car in the street (that was before mobile phones existed) and call her saying he couldn't make it. He didn't know how to get out of it but realizing he had a serious problem that could affect his career and his well-being, he turned to a psychoanalyst, who told him to do an act of courage: Are you going to your girlfriend? Take a longer route to go there. You'll get paroxysmal tachycardia (acute fast heartbeat), but after like 3 times of that, you'll start feeling better and thank me.

Well, it worked. The first time, he had to call the gf half way to pick him up. But at the 4th time, he started feeling better. He took tranquilizers for a while and then stopped.

 

How close to them were you? Like would you spend time together on Christmas or Thanksgiving? Or were you like estranged and barely in touch with them?

Also, how did your father and your sister die? Are the two deaths linked to one another in any way?

What was your father's relationship with his family and relatives? In all this, you never mentioned your mother. What about her? What about your mother's family?

 

If you wrote your relatives with accusations, they were just wise with their silence, if the alternative was saying harsh things. Yes, they didn't understand your discomfort. But have you ever shown any interest in them? If you haven't, you're the one at fault. What do you know about their health? They're just as important as you are. You are NOT more important than them.

 

It seems that you made them uncomfortable. If you want to share your letter with me, I'll take time to read it and give you my perspective on it.

 

Ease up on such drastic statements.

 

How long ago did you start seeing your counselor? Did things improve somehow since then? If so, how?

 

It looks like you're really targeting them. They might be scared. Give them a break for now.

 

And he's probably disappointed in you. You're even.

 

You're not in a good place right now, and it's hard to start a connection like that.

 

I hear you. I find myself feeling that way too. When did you lose your father and sister? You're still grieving, and crying is part of the process.

 

I would just exhaust myself if I addressed all these points especially since you've made it abundantly clear you didn't read the whole thread. For example, why the heck would I go on fB and lash out at them for what this guy from OLD did to me? I don't talk to people about my dating life on FB. It's none of their business!! For you to assume I did that without reading back to see what really happened... I can only suggest you stop making snap judgements without making sure you have the whole picture.

 

And the last thing anyone would call me is selfish. I spent the last four years being my dad's caregiver, helping my brother who is also ill, and still tried to be there for my sister when she suddenly got sick, because even though she had three grown children they were nowhere to be found. I took care of everyone but me all the while holding down a job and paying my own bills. I'm not married. I've never had any help with anything. It was only a matter of time before I collapsed. That's just what happens when You've been carrying too much on your shoulders. I wish I was half the selfish, entitled, angry b**ch you perceive me as... my life would be a lot easier, and maybe I wouldn't be suffering so much right now. You don't end up in the state I'm in by having been selfish.

 

I take responsibility for not focusing more on my own life and building it into what I need to be happy, but not for the indifferent, callous way I've been treated by people. Ask any counselor, they'll tell you it's common to be abandoned by the people you need the most after you've faced a loss.

 

As for the OLD guy... he's better off gone. He showed his true colors and I didn't turn him into what he already was before I met him. Whether I was honest from the beginning, or honest right before we met once I had the courage to do it, doesn't matter. What matters was, I WAS honest. I didn't string him along. He left me a nasty message, I phoned him back and gave him what he deserved. I won't let anyone talk to me like that.

 

No matter what women do we're accused of being in the wrong no matter who wrongs us first. Automatically! Well, screw that.

Edited January 28, 2018 by Fair

[justwhoiam]

You misinterpreted all that I wrote. I offered help, you turned it down. That's all I know.

 

I hope your counsellor can help you.

[Fair]

You misinterpreted all that I wrote. I offered help, you turned it down. That's all I know.

 

I hope your counsellor can help you.

 

You're the one who misinterpreted. You offered help or criticism? It's hard to tell. But thanks for your time.

[Highndry]

I can say from experience that it's not uncommon at all for close friends and family to go about their lives as if nothing happened even though you've experienced crushing loss. We really only have ourselves in this world, at least that's what I've found.

[spiderowl]

Fair, you've had it very tough. You have been through a lot and are very hurt and affected by it all. As a result you are feeling very angry and resentful at having to cope with all that. It is understandable that you are feeling like that. It is also understandable that you are suffering from panic disorder. The sad thing is that this anger and resentment is coming through to other people. Put yourself in their position - you know someone you care about who is angry, resentful and full of panic and stress. How do you deal with them? What do you say to make things better? It is hard to know, especially if that person appears to expect people to be there for them. Even if we have lots of friends and relatives, we cannot expect anything of them. We are lucky to have them. If they do something kind, we thank them and appreciate them. People sense if someone has expectations of them or feels resentful. I suspect that you may be inadvertently scaring people off. It is a great shame because you do need support.

 

I have a friend who gradually became ill with panic disorder and extreme anxiety. She seemed to expect people to help and understand. I was trying to but it became more and more demanding and worrying for me. There was little support for me. Eventually, it became clear that professional help was needed. I have suffered anxiety myself and would be suffering it now if I weren't taking antidepressants. I am someone who can understand. However, someone very ill with this disorder can be very demanding and people struggle to cope. Do not blame them for feeling out of their depth.

 

It is also difficult to know what to say to someone who is bereaved. Even knowing you should contact them and say something, people feel a bit lost and out of their depth. Try not to blame people for this. If you want people to support you, then welcome them and appreciate them. Lashing out and being angry with them will not help you or help them to support you. I know this is difficult because at the moment you are in a state of anger, distress and panic. The feelings are strong and not allowing you to be other than that at the moment. This is how your counsellor can help, by letting you talk about your feelings. It is easy to think that true friends would be there to help but friends can be scared off by angry and bitter feelings too. I think it is worth apologising to them for your outburst, but I doubt you will feel you should.

 

Regarding the guy, I suspect he thought you were messing him about. Did you tell him about your anxiety before making a date or just not turn up and tell him afterwards? If it was the latter, I can understand him being upset. Saying nasty things in a message is not acceptable of course. Looking at things from his point of view, I guess he felt messed about, disrespected if you didn't turn up, and then thought you were just making excuses. He is probably feeling bad about how he behaved now. After all, he was being kind and respectful before so it does sound a bit out of character. But, we don't know the guy. We really don't know what transpired between you so it is hard to give any useful feedback. My feeling is that you are extremely tense, wound up and upset, and that anyone interacting with you is going to sense that and be confused by the intensity of it. It is natural for you to feel like that but maybe seeing your counsellor is the best thing at the moment, until these very strong feelings have run their course. Then maybe you will feel up to having warm interactions with people, rather than expressing your anger and unhappiness.

Edited February 26, 2018 by spiderowl

[Fair]

Fair, you've had it very tough. You have been through a lot and are very hurt and affected by it all. As a result you are feeling very angry and resentful at having to cope with all that. It is understandable that you are feeling like that. It is also understandable that you are suffering from panic disorder. The sad thing is that this anger and resentment is coming through to other people. Put yourself in their position - you know someone you care about who is angry, resentful and full of panic and stress. How do you deal with them? What do you say to make things better? It is hard to know, especially if that person appears to expect people to be there for them. Even if we have lots of friends and relatives, we cannot expect anything of them. We are lucky to have them. If they do something kind, we thank them and appreciate them. People sense if someone has expectations of them or feels resentful. I suspect that you may be inadvertently scaring people off. It is a great shame because you do need support.

 

I have a friend who gradually became ill with panic disorder and extreme anxiety. She seemed to expect people to help and understand. I was trying to but it became more and more demanding and worrying for me. There was little support for me. Eventually, it became clear that professional help was needed. I have suffered anxiety myself and would be suffering it now if I weren't taking antidepressants. I am someone who can understand. However, someone very ill with this disorder can be very demanding and people struggle to cope. Do not blame them for feeling out of their depth.

 

It is also difficult to know what to say to someone who is bereaved. Even knowing you should contact them and say something, people feel a bit lost and out of their depth. Try not to blame people for this. If you want people to support you, then welcome them and appreciate them. Lashing out and being angry with them will not help you or help them to support you. I know this is difficult because at the moment you are in a state of anger, distress and panic. The feelings are strong and not allowing you to be other than that at the moment. This is how your counsellor can help, by letting you talk about your feelings. It is easy to think that true friends would be there to help but friends can be scared off by angry and bitter feelings too. I think it is worth apologising to them for your outburst, but I doubt you will feel you should.

 

Regarding the guy, I suspect he thought you were messing him about. Did you tell him about your anxiety before making a date or just not turn up and tell him afterwards? If it was the latter, I can understand him being upset. Saying nasty things in a message is not acceptable of course. Looking at things from his point of view, I guess he felt messed about, disrespected if you didn't turn up, and then thought you were just making excuses. He is probably feeling bad about how he behaved now. After all, he was being kind and respectful before so it does sound a bit out of character. But, we don't know the guy. We really don't know what transpired between you so it is hard to give any useful feedback. My feeling is that you are extremely tense, wound up and upset, and that anyone interacting with you is going to sense that and be confused by the intensity of it. It is natural for you to feel like that but maybe seeing your counsellor is the best thing at the moment, until these very strong feelings have run their course. Then maybe you will feel up to having warm interactions with people, rather than expressing your anger and unhappiness.

 

Thank you very much for this kind and understanding comment. I know you are most likely right.. I am scaring people off. You have an extremely tactful way with words, though and every one of them resonated. So Thank you again. You're right, I have been going about things all wrong but at least now no longer feel so guilty and unworthy on top of the anger and pain.

[CrazyKatLady]

I'm sorry for your loss...I lost my family and fiance too a decade ago...only my son and I this whole time...I hope you keep doing well...I think it is great you acknowledge your situation--don't knock yourself down for knowing that you are suffering from your losses-and yes, you should tell him as much as you are comfortable with--but at least let him know you are coping with loss right now and that you genuinely would enjoy meeting him when your schedule clears up--not a total lie--you are busy taking care of your life after these tragedies--many people know that there are a lot of things to tie up and sort out after a family member passes...ask him how he would feel about waiting to meet for another week or two so you can deal with these issues. Ask if you can keep open communication with him also until you two meet up if he agrees with waiting to meet when you suggest it. I think you are causing yourself a lot more anxiety and are casting a negative light onto what could potentially be a positive encounter for you both...he doesn't deserve to be lied to.

You may loose this connection you feel you have with him either way, but at least you will know that you treated him fairly--you would want that from a man too wouldn't you? Its not his fault this happened in your life, but maybe by being honest, you can find out whether he will be compassionate to unintentional human error. If he chooses to not move forward with you, it doesn't mean any less of his nature or that you aren't worth it--it is just bad timing, as you said. Hon, you can't keep doing this to either of you though--people are correct here--he isn't the only good one out there. You are suffering already, don't keep the truth from someone out of fear--be honest and genuine in your condition and your interest--give him a choice. It will be ok either way--Kuddo's to you for managing the rest of your losses and moving on slowly each day. Only time will be able to provide you with the peace you have recently lost--even if he is Mr. Wonderful, he won't be the answer to all in your life. Just keep healing, and be honest. It will be ok. You are doing great. You want to feel great again-start by being great. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of you or if you are worth it if you know you did a great thing in these types of situations and did the best for yourself and anyone else in your life. It will be enough to deal with the loss of him, if it occurs...so, don't worry needlessly anymore...it will be ok.