Highndry Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) I have not read this entire thread, only your initial post, but as somebody who has lost half their family and two close friends on top of that, I can surely relate with the crushing anxiety that results from such shocking loss of life. Heck, I couldn't even go golfing it was so bad. I thought I couldn't breathe. Here's what I suggest: Honesty. Tell him straight up that while you shared the loss you experienced, you haven't gone into detail about the actual physical toll it's taken on you, and that you are recovering from a tremendous bout of anxiety. Beyond that, you either have to meet him or let him go. Your anxiety isn't going to miraculously disappear one day, I'm afraid to say. It's going to be there when you go to meet him. You and I both know that. You will just have to use your coping skills to not allow it to derail you. Fear is what is holding you back right now. Don't allow it to stop you from the positive experiences and the joy you may find. Meeting him may very well help you into a more happier period in your life. Edited January 24, 2018 by Highndry 6
BaileyB Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 Agreed. You can expect compassion and understanding, but you can't expect a man to wait for you. You will need to learn how to deal with this anxiety. As one who has suffered a difficult loss, I agree that it will come and go much like the grief you are feeling. And truthfully, dating is anxiety provoking. If you are not ready yet, thats ok. But, anyone who has anxiety will tell you that the "cure" is to face those fears. When you are ready, you will have to feel the fear... and do it anyway. My advice, to take it slow. Just meet for coffee. One date at a time. Develop a friendship, and see how it grows. You can do this, when you are ready. I wish you good luck! 2
todreaminblue Posted January 24, 2018 Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) I value your opinions deb... thank you. You did not put me on the defensive, although I do feel attacked a lot on these threads sometimes... from various posters. I haven't learned in depth about social anxiety as opposed to other forms. I've always felt they were all slightly different... grief anxiety, GAD, social anxiety, etc... I feel I have something that will not last years... it's just a 'stage' of grief, is what I've been told. grief should be classified as illness it is debilitating......did you know that you can pass away from a broken heart.......in a broken heart is fear ..... for you grief is a thief who takes away slices of hope, grief is the killer who leaves you to cope, with sadness and loss and a pervading fear, what you have lost will no longer be near, to what was yours is no longer around, it leaves you in silence when laughter was sound. ill leave you to know whatever you lost exists to be, caught in your heart and in fond memories, you cant feel them or see them, maybe right now, to get there you go through grief and you will get there somehow i cant give you times or even a promise of rest, i can only send this poem and of gods love i attest, because the words that flow from my keyboard to you... i had to google them to make sure they stood true. pervading was one word and then attest i had to check, just to make sure without doubt in my mind not even a speck, with gods grace you are blessed,the low in heart, the grief stricken, the alone, whomever you lost has been called home you will see them again from me to you this poem is written my friend......deb..... Edited January 24, 2018 by todreaminblue 1
Author Fair Posted January 24, 2018 Author Posted January 24, 2018 I have not read this entire thread, only your initial post, but as somebody who has lost half their family and two close friends on top of that, I can surely relate with the crushing anxiety that results from such shocking loss of life. Heck, I couldn't even go golfing it was so bad. I thought I couldn't breathe. Here's what I suggest: Honesty. Tell him straight up that while you shared the loss you experienced, you haven't gone into detail about the actual physical toll it's taken on you, and that you are recovering from a tremendous bout of anxiety. Beyond that, you either have to meet him or let him go. Your anxiety isn't going to miraculously disappear one day, I'm afraid to say. It's going to be there when you go to meet him. You and I both know that. You will just have to use your coping skills to not allow it to derail you. Fear is what is holding you back right now. Don't allow it to stop you from the positive experiences and the joy you may find. Meeting him may very well help you into a more happier period in your life. Thank you so much for this post! For the hope and encouragement. I so want to believe this could be a stepping stone to a happier day. 1
Author Fair Posted January 26, 2018 Author Posted January 26, 2018 (edited) I heard a joke recently. It goes ... Me: So, I met this guy Me: (Two days later) Nevermind He said he'd call tonight and didn't. I called him, and now it's late. He didn't answer the first call, so I called again. He answers, out of breath, and was standing in the bathroom at the movie theatre. He was laughing, said he took his parents for dinner and a movie and couldn't remember the name of the movie when I asked. I hung up a bit prematurely because I was mad... I'd been waiting for him to call like he said he would... To be fair, this is the first time he hasn't kept his word about phoning when he promises, but now that the weekend is coming and our 'first meet'... and now he's dropping the ball. How long does it take to give someone a quick phone call? Especially if he's really interested. Not sure how I should feel... is he losing interest now that a date has been set? Maybe there wasn't enough in the first place. Any feedback? Edited January 26, 2018 by Fair
todreaminblue Posted January 26, 2018 Posted January 26, 2018 I also think we all walk away from each other too quickly in this throw away society... many times we're probably making huge mistakes we may not know we're making. We all have struggles, we're all human. It doesn't make us bad people or not worth any effort. amen to this...deb
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I don't know how many of you read my post about meeting a guy while dealing with anxiety/grief. I hadn't told him I am struggling and we were to meet today but it fell through because of me. He phoned and left a nasty message on my answering machine. I phoned him back and tore his head off. After awhile we apologized. But he's not sticking around for me after I told him what I'm going through. He was so cold. Then he ran. Well... so is life. But it hurts. Nobody seems to think I'm worth anything. Nobody wants me... I have no support system left, no friends. I blew up at everyone on FB today after my fight with "HIM" and told them how selfish they are... that I've been going through hell and not one person reached out to console or even give me a word of encouragement, no one tried to help me even when my anxiety was so bad I couldn't even leave the house to take out my garbage. At times like this the whole human race looks like selfish scum to me. What does it matter what I say or do? The only thing I've been left with is a bunch of resentment I want to blast at people so I can get it off my chest... maybe that's the way to heal.
Lamartine Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I also deal with anxiety and am grieving a death, so I know how incredibly difficult it is. Honestly, though, why is this guy leaving nasty messages on your machine? That's not acceptable behavior at all. Don't settle for less than you deserve because you perceive yourself as having problems. Are you getting therapy? Also, are you reaching out to people? When I'm lonely, I have to force myself to reach out to friends and family, but, when I do, I am always surprised by how many people are there for me. If you feel that your friends are mad at you, apologize. Real friends will forgive you for this. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I'm sorry for what you're going through, fair. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. I know how painful it must be to feel like no one understands or cares. It didn't help that that guy acted like a jerk and your circle hasn't been supportive. It's understandable to feel angry too. What helps me at times I feel down is a creative outlet. I don't know if you write at all, but writing out the things you need to say can be really cathartic. It's a nondestructive way to vent anger as well. Also, if you can get help from a therapist, consider it. I know it's not something that appeals to a lot of people. There are also some communities online that offer support for grief. People do care and you aren't alone. 3
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 (edited) you know what helps me when i have a build up of negativity or pain inside me....singing.......lol i dont know if i could actually call it singing because i do my banshee call.....more like a blue whale singing than human singing.....my son once yelled out at my front window im a big fat blue whale and i think in some kind of instance i am even though it hurt he yelled that out for the whole street to hear and judge me.......i happen to love big fat blue whales and their songs...and i do feel sometimes larger than the body i have been given.....before you think my son is a really bad person he isnt he is a drug addict who is seriously mentally ill....i digress ok debs blue whale call you start low in your belly tighten the muscles....and start with a low sound and keep raising the octave as you raise your voice ...i use ohhh find the sound that suits you.....and let it rip...hold that high note as long as you can till you have absolutely no breath left ...your face will go red...repeat until..... there's this calm that settles over you...i deal a lot with thoughtless people its drugs i tell you ...drugs are demons...i taught my granddaughter this littel fixer upper...and we did it together...and we both dissolved into giggles watching each other do it at the same time...she said my tongue vibrates...LOL its my vibratto...she has a voice i have to say....a very pure voice.... ..i should have been an opera singer.....maybe i can still be....if they have a place for a blue whale in the opera im there i tell ya.......theres one thing i have to say .... everything inside you...you are responsible for....if you allow yourself to hold onto negative...you will become negative....i understand grief and i feel you......but you have to get that negative out or it will make you sick...you don't have to become like them..you be who you are dont worry about them....find the joy in being who you are ...go easy on yourself...you matter and you arent alone ok..... forgive the people who hurt you...if you dont say anything how are they supposed to know you need them.....try and find the beautiful in your friends and family when they let you down see their flaws ...love them anyway...find the beautiful in them ....and if you keep doing that with every single person you meet ...you will no longer feel alone...because you see the beautiful in you....you see it in others too...project away... the world is full of ugliness...is that what you want to remember ....or do you want to remember at your end of days...all the beautiful......so keep finding beautiful and stockpile it for later for hard times and rainy days........its there to be found and loved...grief and sadness...are things we'll all deal with...im sorry its your time now to deal with grief.....i send you loving vibes.............deb Edited January 28, 2018 by todreaminblue 1
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 Concerning your guy. If you will recall, the majority of the people commenting on your post said that you should be honest with the guy about what you were going through and why you were acting the way you were. Instead, you chose to continue playing games with him and canceled your first meet with him, a meet that you forced him to work hard to earn in the first place. Can you not understand why he would be so frustrated with you? Not sure why you would blow up on your FB friends because this guy made you upset. What did they do? [/quote I cancelled my first meet due to my anxiety/grief. not a good enough reason? Then that's your problem and his. You obviously don't know what I'm going through. And you didn't READ what I said... or don't appear to have read... about my fb friends. The answer is right there.
basil67 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 I cancelled my first meet due to my anxiety/grief. not a good enough reason? Then that's your problem and his. You obviously don't know what I'm going through. And you didn't READ what I said... or don't appear to have read... about my fb friends. The answer is right there. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Thing is though, you had no business trying to date a guy if you weren't ready to actually meet. And especially as you weren't honest with him from the outset. What you did is commonly called "time wasting". 3
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 ....if you allow yourself to hold onto negative...you will become negative....i understand grief and i feel you......but you have to get that negative out or it will make you sick... forgive the people who hurt you...if you dont say anything how are they supposed to know you need them..... That's the whole point, I have reached out to them. Extended family members are on my list who know EXACTLY my situation, and don't care. Go and ask them to forgive me is something I will not do. It may not have been the right thing to do, but I'm still glad I did it. Because yes, if you hold onto it it will make you sick. So far they're all ignoring me, pretending they haven't seen my letter, turning their nose up at it... don't even care.. Note to self: Get rid of them all and start over when I'm feeling better. You find out who your friends are in times of trouble and I found out I have none.
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I'm sorry you're going through all this. Thing is though, you had no business trying to date a guy if you weren't ready to actually meet. And especially as you weren't honest with him from the outset. What you did is commonly called "time wasting". No it wasn't. You don't know anything about grief and anxiety. I thought I was ready to meet... it turned out I just wasn't. And I told him and told him why. And he ran like a coward. The right ones don't run.
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 That's the whole point, I have reached out to them. Extended family members are on my list who know EXACTLY my situation, and don't care. Go and ask them to forgive me is something I will not do. It may not have been the right thing to do, but I'm still glad I did it. Because yes, if you hold onto it it will make you sick. So far they're all ignoring me, pretending they haven't seen my letter, turning their nose up at it... don't even care.. Note to self: Get rid of them all and start over when I'm feeling better. You find out who your friends are in times of trouble and I found out I have none. :0(.. you make me sad fair because i don't know what to really say but I feel i have to try and say something to help you.. if only i can find the perfect words .so here i go hurting others is never happiness... lashing out at others because they hurt you wont bring you happiness... relying on others to make you better or happy it wont happen it has to come from you... love is happiness ...forgiveness is happiness... find the beautiful in little things is happiness... I will guarantee this though 150 per cent guarantee or even double guarantee it.... you forgive the people who hurt you and you are on the path to happiness.....i would walk with you on that path...do you want to walk with me..i have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me... its done like this ...you hurt me ...i love you still ...that is all...and let it go......deb 2
basil67 Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 No it wasn't. You don't know anything about grief and anxiety. I thought I was ready to meet... it turned out I just wasn't. And I told him and told him why. And he ran like a coward. The right ones don't run. I don't know about grief and anxiety. But I do know about being honest and upfront with a person we are talking to. For you to have been honest with him and not string him along for a month is not too much for him to expect. Perhaps he would have stayed and supported you IF you'd been honest from the start. Like it or not, you did contribute to this mess. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 (edited) No it wasn't. You don't know anything about grief and anxiety. I thought I was ready to meet... it turned out I just wasn't. And I told him and told him why. And he ran like a coward. The right ones don't run. There's no excuse for him calling and leaving a nasty message. If he didn't want to wait, he shouldn't have, but leaving you a rude message is a jerk move. And even if he couldn't wait, reacting without compassion once aware of your situation is a real show of character too. Not much of a loss here. You will find someone right Edited January 28, 2018 by Cookiesandough 3
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I don't know about grief and anxiety. But I do know about being honest and upfront with a person we are talking to. For you to have been honest with him and not string him along for a month is not too much for him to expect. Perhaps he would have stayed and supported you IF you'd been honest from the start. Like it or not, you did contribute to this mess. We never once spoke of meeting until last week... the meet was set for today. I was straight with him as to why I couldn't go. There was no month of stringing him along or asking him to wait. We just chatted with no pressure either way. Earlier in the week I started realizing I wasn't ready, and today when I told him, he didn't take it well. I don't know how to put this any more simply. 1
Lamartine Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 There's no excuse for him calling and leaving a nasty message. If he didn't want to wait, he shouldn't have, but leaving you a rude message is a jerk move. And even if he couldn't wait, reacting without compassion once aware of your situation is a real show of character too. Not much of a loss here. You will find someone right I agree. Regardless of the role the OP may have played in this not working out, there is no reason why the guy should leave nasty messages or not act Kindly when he discovered what was happening. OP-why not apologize? It's so much better to bring people together that remain alone out of anger. I know this from experience. 1
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I agree. Regardless of the role the OP may have played in this not working out, there is no reason why the guy should leave nasty messages or not act Kindly when he discovered what was happening. OP-why not apologize? It's so much better to bring people together that remain alone out of anger. I know this from experience. Apologize to who? I won't apologize for other people hurting me. When things like this happen to you, they show their true colors. They can apologize to me instead... if they even read my fb post and even cared, that is..
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 I lost my whole support system when my dad and sister died within three months of each other. Not one condolence message, not one phone call, always IGNORED on FB, and not because I've been posting negative things, I hardly post anything.... but I have reached out to them via messenger saying I really need support right now, I'm all alone, no family left, I'd appreciate someone to talk to, asked if they'd drop in if they had a chance... phone once in awhile or at least pm me on fb. what did I get? Nothing. They scattered like rats. Meanwhile I was dealing and still am, with a severe panic disorder that came about as a result of grief and went through three months of absolute hell. I couldn't take out my garbage, couldn't buy groceries... could barely drive myself to my dr.'s appt's. Often thought I was literally dying. Not one of them cared. According to my counselor, this is very common in my situation. Hard not to find yourself resenting people like this so bad it builds up like a boil inside. I told them Karma's a bitch, among other things. 1
Lamartine Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 Okay, now I understand better...and I don't think you should apologize. I am so, so sorry. Honestly, I really do understand. After my ex-husband died this July, I went into an enormous depression and spent five weeks in the hospital. There were people who didn't react well, and they are no longer my friends. I know it sounds cliche, but I have rebuilt a circle of friends largely by volunteering. I've met people at the various charities I help, and some of them have gotten to be good friends. I understand the depression, anxiety, and PTSD that this sort of experience can trigger. Some days, I still have a hard time getting out of bed and curbing my drinking. I had to cut my sister out of my life because she was so toxic. Try to join a few groups: charities, religious groups, political groups, etc. Yes, sometimes you will not want to go. But you will start to meet people, and eventually you'll have some good friends who will support you. If I met you, I'd be your friend! 3
Author Fair Posted January 28, 2018 Author Posted January 28, 2018 Okay, now I understand better...and I don't think you should apologize. I am so, so sorry. Honestly, I really do understand. After my ex-husband died this July, I went into an enormous depression and spent five weeks in the hospital. There were people who didn't react well, and they are no longer my friends. I know it sounds cliche, but I have rebuilt a circle of friends largely by volunteering. I've met people at the various charities I help, and some of them have gotten to be good friends. I understand the depression, anxiety, and PTSD that this sort of experience can trigger. Some days, I still have a hard time getting out of bed and curbing my drinking. I had to cut my sister out of my life because she was so toxic. Try to join a few groups: charities, religious groups, political groups, etc. Yes, sometimes you will not want to go. But you will start to meet people, and eventually you'll have some good friends who will support you. If I met you, I'd be your friend! Thank you! And I'm sorry you've had rough times... losing your husband... grief is so complicated and often what follows is more loss... friends, family... a chain of events that can leave you so angry and devastated it compounds the grief when it's the last thing you need! Thanks for understanding. I'm so disappointed in this guy's reaction today. I really hoped for a connection and some understanding. Friendship maybe... I spent most of the day crying even though... it was no loss, in reality. 2
Lamartine Posted January 28, 2018 Posted January 28, 2018 You're probably feeling this guy's reaction more intensely because of what you've experienced lately and because of your trauma syndrome. When you are lonely, any rejection at all can hurt like a knife through the heart. This guy was not kind to you, though. He probably would have made you feel worse in the long run. A bad relationship would compound this for you so much. If you want to read about how my experience with a a-hole around the time of my husband's death left me reeling with pain, read the post I wrote earlier tonight (talking marriage one day...breaking up the next). I've tried online dating a bit since this all happened, but I know I'm not really ready. I've been trying to build my network of friends instead. It's actually been more fun than dating. Is there a grief group where you live? It could really help you. I thought support groups were BS until I needed one. It helped so much. For your own sake, make sure you are in a psychological place to date before you do it. A break up could devastate you after the loss you've had. Have you ever tried Meetup.com? You could easily make friends through its groups. 3
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