Why does friends never work after a break up????

[smile95]

I cannot be friends with him. I am too attached and in love. How can you go from being with someone and in love to nothing. Just cold turley not in your life. We tried the friends thing and it turns into him not feeling obligated to return my calls and me just getting hurt more and making up scenarious in my head as to why he does not call me back.

 

I just find it so hard to let go.....I am scared I will be alone forever. I wish I knew why I feel I cannot live w/out him.

 

I am back to square one now. Wondering and crying. I am so disappointed that I feel for the words again. Just hearing that he loved me made me weak and hopeful...in reality....he will never be able to love anyone but himself....I was dreaming!

 

We cannot be together and we cannot survive as friends...if we love each other why can't there be a stage in between there????I guess becasue we "love" each other, it is not going to work.

 

I am just venting.....I am so confused. As I have stated, there has got to be a reason why I go back to him(only to get dumped on). I just wish I knew why I keep falling for it all. Wishful thinking?

[smile95]

maybe it is my fault that friends did not work.....I guess I expect a friend to call me back if I call and not ignore me. I guess I expect a friend to care about me and that is what I asked for......after 4 days of him sending me text (all teasing me and hurting me)and not calling me, I give up(once again and move on).

 

I am so scared that maybe I am not meant to be with anyone. I want a family so much and I feel like it is hopeless. I am a good person and I have no idea why I feel so punished.

[NTB]

I am too attached and in love

 

 

you answered your own question

 

do NC.....

[smile95]

NC does not make me stop loving him though.......at least it has not in the past? Well, I never get past 1 month of NC.......will more time help?

[Rocko]

Beth:

 

It seems like I see you on here a lot with the same problem. Is this the same guy who has acted cruely towards you? Why do you continue to have problems with someone who has been so mean?

 

You need to concentrate on making yourself stronger. Find out more about yourself. Love will come. But remember, love never DOMINATES, it AUGMENTS. I really recommend a few months from now coming back to LS and reading your posts. You'll see how needy and weak you sound.

 

I find that a lot of people who post questions on LS seem to be just grasping at straws. Sometimes it really does help to just get tired of it all and say "Look, I'm sick of this bullsh*t." and move on. Best of luck Beth, please take all of what I've said in the most constructive way possible, I mean no ill will at all.

[NTB]

Originally posted by beth5201

NC does not make me stop loving him though.......at least it has not in the past? Well, I never get past 1 month of NC.......will more time help?

 

 

your right NC will not make you stop loving him but it will help ease the pain

time heals everything.......so they say

but NC will be a good thing you'll still love him and miss him but it will ease the pain and when your ready you will be able to move on into a new relationship or just move on in general from this relationship........it's hard but it must be done if not you will just be doing this to yourself all the time

[smile95]

maybe I do need a break from LS....I am embarrased at half the stuff I write, but I have no one to talk to about this excpet all of you.

 

Yes this is the same person that is so cruel to me. But now I wonder what part i have in this? Am I asking for too much to get a phone call returned over 5 days? Is one call a week too much to ask? What happens is(and this is ALL we have ever argued about) I call him and he will not respond an then the next day or two I text him if he can talk and no response and then I just get frstrated and text mean stuff and then he ignores me and we do not talk anymore.....I have no idea why I am holding on and it scares me.The more I try and make things right, the more I get hurt.I think I have done all I can. I let so much go in the hopes that things woud get better and look where that got me.

 

I sound weak because I am right now.

 

Love is not supposed to bring out this side of me! It is supposed to bring out the best. I feel like I have failed at all this. I have tried EVERYTHNG to make it work and somehow he apprecaites nothing. If I look at the big picture, I see that it will never work.( as i said he sent his work schedule and it is booked 24-7 7 days a week from Oct-April 2006. THis was our problem (he had no time for me) But right now, I see all the small details and that is what hurts.

[smile95]

your right NC will not make you stop loving him but it will help ease the pain

time heals everything.......so they say

but NC will be a good thing you'll still love him and miss him but it will ease the pain and when your ready you will be able to move on into a new relationship or just move on in general from this relationship........it's hard but it must be done if not you will just be doing this to yourself all the time

 

I know that when I did NC, I still missed him and loved him and wondered if he would call, but it was nothing like the feeling I have now and how miserable I am . At least with NC, I had nothing new to cry or worry about. Just coping with missing him. It is so hard to let him go when I know it is all becasue he is a worl a holic. he admits that is why we were not working.

 

I pray that letting him go will lead me in a place in life where I am happy. With or without anyone but myself.

[smile95]

so I guess I do not even tell him I am done with this....would not get a reply anyways.

 

One day when he is a 45 yr old divorced loser (with millions from working) and not married and lonely, maybe he will regret making work his life and putting a family on hold .

 

Or I hope he meets someone that says all the crap I should have and not put up with his abuse.

[Rocko]

Originally posted by beth5201

maybe I do need a break from LS....I am embarrased at half the stuff I write, but I have no one to talk to about this excpet all of you.

 

Yes this is the same person that is so cruel to me. But now I wonder what part i have in this? Am I asking for too much to get a phone call returned over 5 days? Is one call a week too much to ask? What happens is(and this is ALL we have ever argued about) I call him and he will not respond an then the next day or two I text him if he can talk and no response and then I just get frstrated and text mean stuff and then he ignores me and we do not talk anymore.....I have no idea why I am holding on and it scares me.The more I try and make things right, the more I get hurt.I think I have done all I can. I let so much go in the hopes that things woud get better and look where that got me.

 

I sound weak because I am right now.

 

Love is not supposed to bring out this side of me! It is supposed to bring out the best. I feel like I have failed at all this. I have tried EVERYTHNG to make it work and somehow he apprecaites nothing. If I look at the big picture, I see that it will never work.( as i said he sent his work schedule and it is booked 24-7 7 days a week from Oct-April 2006. THis was our problem (he had no time for me) But right now, I see all the small details and that is what hurts.

 

The first step to recovery is to admit what hurts: congratulations.

 

Remember this, Beth : You control your feelings.

 

Let it burn, but also revel in the fact that pain is sometimes a good thing; just think of all the experience you've gained through this path. Think about the future, think about how strong you're going to become! It's ok to feel weak once in awhile, but to allow others to make you feel weak is not what love is about. Remember, Love never dominates, it augments. In both your heart and your mind, I'm sure you know that.

 

If he ever comes back, tell him to f*ck off. And by then, I'm sure you'll mean it.

 

Go relax with your friends, do other things, etc. But remember, only you can help yourself, no matter what anyone on these boards say.

[Rocko]

Originally posted by beth5201

Or I hope he meets someone that says all the crap I should have and not put up with his abuse.

 

Karma exists.

[smile95]

Think about the future, think about how strong you're going to become!

 

It's ok to feel weak once in awhile, but to allow others to make you feel weak is not what love is about. Remember, Love never dominates, it augments. In both your heart and your mind, I'm sure you know that.

 

ya look how easy it will be to please me with the next guy! A crumb here and there will seem like an abundant amount of effort! lol

 

The part that I need to work on is STOP turning to others to feel loved and getting my worth from that. I have that issue. I guess I feel like if he does not want to make it work then I must not be worth it......that is how I think and that is what I need to change. My self worth and mood was determined by whether or not he called or we had a good conversation.........I have no idea how that happened?

 

really deep down, I know that it is him that has the issues too..........

[smile95]

thanks for the help Rocko...I needed to hear all of that. I am so tired of thinkig about this man for the last 3.5 yrs. It is draining. I guess this is the point here most people just say screw it I am done.

 

The negative outweighs the positive no matter how I look at it. I do love him, but it is not enough anymore when he makes no effort.

[Rocko]

Sometimes it takes a kick in the arse to get things on track again.

 

"And So Begins the Next Chapter of Your Life."

 

EDIT : Come back in a few months and kick newbie-heartbroken folks arses to help them! Also tell them your success story.

[smile95]

If he ever comes back, tell him to f*ck off. And by then, I'm sure you'll mean it.

 

what if I never get this chance!

 

 

 

I really wish I could be guaranteed he will call one day so I can tell him that! He would flip! I would love to put him in his place.....

[pippen_2k]

3.5 years is sooo damn long to have a broken heart!

 

Dont be embarrased tho..better off venting here than contacting him 24/7.

 

If I was you I would seriously think about a total change. Maybe move house and locality ( if possible ), new phone number both home and mobile and do NOT keep his contact details.

 

This is an extreme measure but im sorry, 3 and a half years is way too long to feel terrible.

 

What do your friends and family say about this.. do they know you are hurting like this?

[Candy Cane]

Maybe Beth, and I'm just tossing an idea out, maybe he treats you poorly because he thinks you don't mind. You accepted a demotion aka "friends," and you talk to him even after he doesn't return your calls for five days. If he calls, and I think he will, I'd tell him why you don't wish to talk to him. Tell him that you don't want to be friends. Tell him that him not calling after five days is not acceptable...and whatever else he is doing that is not permissible. Sort of like Super Nanny. She tells the children why they are being punished before they actually are punished so that they are clear on what they are doing wrong.

 

And then...I would do the NC thing. Mostly because you really need to heal before talking to him again. If you are not healed and you talk to him, it will only hurt like hell...anything he does or says. You are not in a position to take a stance. Therefore, you should not communicate with him until you are in a position where you will not get hurt no matter what it is that he says. Only then will you have any leverage in this relationship.

 

In the interim, I would get out and enjoy your life as much as possible. Date someone else...(I wouldn't date anyone seriously until you have things sorted out in your mind) and know that you are dealing with your ex situation in a positive and healthy manner and that only good will come of it.

 

Just what I think. Good luck!!

[sadfish]

as i can relate with many things you are saying, i agree with everyone here, you need to focus on YOU and choose not to feel the pain. I know it's the farthest thing from easy, but you can do it, no matter how long it takes.

 

I recently picked up this book If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships by Chuck Spezzano, MD...some of it is repetitive, but if you sit down with the book and really think about his "tips" they make complete sense. As hard as it is to let go, it's the fear of something that holds all of us back. Take some time to find you, be who you are, if he can't appreciate you, then he doesn't deserve you anyway...

 

good luck!

[Merin]

Beth...

 

What is it about him that you LOVE really?

 

This is a guy who has let you down, given you false hope, doesn't return your calls...

 

Isn't it possilbe you're in love with what you would like him to be?

 

My Dad always told me that you might leave your lover, but you wouldn't leave your Best Friend...

 

This Guy isn't even worthy of your friendship IMO Beth... change is never easy but allowing fear to drive you in your decisions is worse... don't hang on to what you would want him to be, see him for who he is Beth....

 

When you will meet the Guy who really is your Best Friend and has your back no matter what storm comes your way will be when you are ready to let go of this Guy...

 

Hang in there Girly and don't feel silly about posting and venting all you want or need too

[lindya]

Originally posted by Merin

Isn't it possilbe you're in love with what you would like him to be?

 

Excellent point. Sometimes you can be wild about the person a man is 5% of the time, and brainwash yourself into thinking that that 5% of good stuff is worth the 95% of crap. Then there's the whole fairytale ideology that's so harmful to women. This myth that true princesses get the handsome prince as a reward for being so good and beautiful (the goodness and beauty being inherent in their ability to suffer uncomplainingly at length). Or that if they don't get the prince, they can be a poetic heroine a la the Lady of Shallott...dying from unrequited love for a man who'd deign to describe her lifeless face as "lovely".

 

Ok, I'm getting carried away and going off at a tangent. The thing is, Beth, that I'm scared you've fallen into this trap of thinking there's some degree of romantic poetry in being neglected, unappreciated and abandoned by a man. Why else would you be languishing over someone who treats you in a second rate manner? I really haven't read anything good about this guy. Nothing that would indicate he's in some way exceptional and worthy of your undying love.

 

I would really really like you to buy a book on positive thinking and visualisation, and follow its advice to the letter. You have to want, 100%, to get over this guy. Do you want to get over him, or are you afraid to let go of these feelings that have become as familiar as the face you look at in the mirror?

[smile95]

thanks everyone....I was sad at work today (of course "our song" was played at lunch at the place I ate) UGH

 

But......I came home and read your posts and I really snapped back to reality! THANKS!

 

 

 

3.5 years is sooo damn long to have a broken heart!

 

Yes it is and the sad thing is.....I remember 2 yrs a go saying that I was miserable and here I am still......I just moved to where I am, so I cannot really move again, but since we are LD, it does not matter.....I will never "run" into him.

 

 

If he calls, and I think he will, I'd tell him why you don't wish to talk to him. Tell him that you don't want to be friends. Tell him that him not calling after five days is not acceptable...and whatever else he is doing that is not

permissible.

 

 

If he calls(which he may one day, but not soon) I plan on answering(if I am strong enough)and telling him just that. I agree with you that he knows I go back no matter what he does, so he just walks all over me and I need to put my foot down.

 

 

 

This Guy isn't even worthy of your friendship IMO Beth... change is never easy but allowing fear to drive you in your decisions is worse... don't hang on to what you would want him to be, see him for who he is Beth....

 

Merin...I love the man he was 3 yrs ago. I think that being friends was my hope and way of hanging on....all it would do is hurt me...i see this......now.....this cycle we go thru has to stop. In a month I will hear from him and he will say he loves me(that is if he has not found anyone else) and he will expect "business as usual". Well this time I am not going back. IT would kill me to hear about his life. I really have no idea what I love other than him saying I love you and then I take that and combine old memories and he is perfect(in my head). I am trying to see him for who he is........it is just so hard to mentally break down this man I have built up.

 

 

 

The thing is, Beth, that I'm scared you've fallen into this trap of thinking there's some degree of romantic poetry in being neglected, unappreciated and abandoned by a man. Why else would you be languishing over someone who treats you in a second rate manner? I really haven't read anything good about this guy. Nothing that would indicate he's in some way exceptional and worthy of your undying love.

 

The fact that i have never been in a good relationship hurts me i think. Otherwise I would say to myself....."Well johnny never treated me this way, I am not putting up with this". I never had anything good to compare to. So this feels normal to me. Sad huh? In his small defense, when we are together, he is great and I can tell he loves me.....but....I never see him-lol. I have no idea why I sulk and cry over someone who hurts me? I wish I knew....BUT instead of reading about him in books and how to get over him, I like the idea of positive thinking books! SInce he is not here with me, all of my thoughts are in my head and negative and I need to stop this. thanks!

 

I am going to be honest now.......I do love him(or what I know love to be so far in life). I know that in his own definition of love, he feels he loves me. But, I know that calling him will end up 2 ways......\

1-we say the I love you crap and things go back to him not calling and being too busy or 2 we agree to be friends again and not say i love you anymore and i still get my hopes up.

 

So clearly there is no reason to call him. I kinda feel this time he will not call me anymore....the last i said to him was that "YOu do not love me enough to be together and I cannot lessen my love for you to just be friends" and of course I get no reply. Which I expected. It was just my own way of saying bye.

 

I know that it is all in my head...what will change?? I do not have to wait for a call that I never get? I do not have to try and call him and get ignored? I do not plan trips which never happen???? I will miss the "i love you" and maybe the fact that I saw a future with him. I am letting go of dreams....prob not him....I just need to erase his face from my dreams now.....

 

I fear(just because I hate to lose people in my life) that I will never talk to him again......but that could be what i need.

[Candy Cane]

I'm in the exact same boat as you, Beth, so I completely understand. Turn the tables around in your mind. What I tell myself is that he will miss me more than I miss him. The only reason I was so fond of him is because I thought he really cared. He is showing me that he does not. So that caring, loving person I thought he was does not exist. I do not miss the person who does not treat me with respect nor care about my feelings.

 

Deep inside I really thought he needed me. And I think he does to some degree. So we'll let that need fester as I get on with my life.

 

Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish!!

[smile95]

I realize to many that me saying I built him up in my head sounds really silly, but it is true. It should be easy to train my brain the opposite way, but this mental picture I have made of him took 3.5 yrs to build and I am sure it will take a while to break down.......

 

I convince myself that I am strong and ok w/out him and then a few hrs later, I am back to my old thinking and miss him. I guess it will take time. I just cannot go back again........nothing will change.

[bendit]

Beth, just an observation...

 

ALL your focus and attention is on HIM...Its NOT him its YOU...

Its YOUR problem...YOU feel awful. Now you have to figure out

how to NOT feel awful. So think about you for a change and don't

be Ruled by him anymore. Its your life. Its your health at stake..

Start really looking at what's going on here. Why are you willing to

accept so Little for yourself? What can you do to start changing that?

It all starts with you. And to start you have to unattach from your

addiction...Even in your NC, you are planning for his call, months or

years down the line, and what you will say to him. That's attachment.

There are hundreds and hundreds of potential partners out there waiting....

but you have to be in a personally healthy place to access them....

for you to get what you really want from this life. Its about YOU.

 

Regards

 

Mike

[sundrop]

Originally posted by beth5201

so I guess I do not even tell him I am done with this....would not get a reply anyways.

 

One day when he is a 45 yr old divorced loser (with millions from working) and not married and lonely, maybe he will regret making work his life and putting a family on hold .

 

Or I hope he meets someone that says all the crap I should have and not put up with his abuse.

 

 

Sounds like we dated the same person. I know my ex will end up lonely one day and I feel sad for him about that.

my ex has a great house, pool, big shop, etc. When I was trying to decide or to stay in the relationship , he kept saying he wasn't ready to think about getting married or supporting a family, he didn't have enough to offer. I tried to argue he did, but anyway....... I told him I really felt sorry and sad for him because he works to much to enjoy what he has and he has no body to share it with, and he is going to lead a lonely life.