Looks like headed towards breaking up after moving to another state

[NebraskaGuy]

Just looking for some insights and advice here.

 

Shortest possible version of the story:

Met a woman online.

Dated for about a year.

She got a new job across the country in a big city.

We moved together.

Now a few months after moving to the city things aren’t looking very good.

Trying to figure out if I should keep trying to fix things, give up and stay in the city, or move back.

 

Longer version:

We moved in together in the city because I still have a house to sell back where we came from and can’t afford my own apartment. This was supposed to be temporary as we didn’t really want to move in together yet. I haven’t sold the house yet and even when I do I will just barely be able to afford living here with my current pay. I was lucky in that my current job allows me to work from home, but of course they didn’t increase my pay just because I chose to move to an expensive city. So at the same time I am trying to find a new job that will pay the local rate, but I haven’t found one yet. So this situation is causing her to feel smothered since I’m around all the time (live together, I’m here when she leaves and here when she gets home since I work from home, and since it’s a new city I don’t really have anybody else to hang out with, etc.).

 

So issue 1 is she feels smothered and that I am now too clingy even though I am not that type of person and hate that we are being forced to live together at the moment.

 

Issue 2 is that she previously lived here and was the other woman in an affair and I’m not so sure she’s over that guy (I know for sure he’s totally into cheating on his wife again as he still contacts her from time to time). She has told me that she is done with him as she broke it off when he wouldn’t leave his wife but I always wonder if she looks at that as a possible alternative to our current situation.

 

Issue 3 is that we have some sex issues around discomfort for her that we’ve tried to work on but the whole living together and smothering stuff has really made her negative about sex and even trying new/alternate things.

 

So at this point she is super pissed that we can’t just break up as she knows I have nowhere to go. She has said several times that she wants to break up or take a break. It’s sad to me because I feel like if we could just get to the point where we had our own places like we originally planned then things would get back on track, but it’s bringing her down to the point where she can’t even see the feelings coming back because she’s so frustrated at the current situation.

 

I actually really like the city and want to stay here as there are much better long-term career opportunities for me here (even if we do break up), but I need to sell my house and to get a job in order to be able to afford it on my own and that will probably take a few more months.

 

So right now my options are:

1. Stick around until I can afford to live here on my own, and in the meantime she will be getting more smothered and I will feel bad because she’s already said she doesn’t even want to kiss right now because she needs a break. Then after I move out there may be a chance of things getting better but she’s so negative about it right now that I don’t know if they will. At least this option allows me to stay where I have good potential for the future. I know in the short term I will be depressed because she will continue to get more and more negative and I’ll feel horrible about being in “her place” when she doesn’t want me here and when she doesn’t even want to kiss anymore. Plus I’ll be wondering if she’s just wanting to get rid of me because she wants the old affair back or has found somebody new.

 

2. Move back and to a town I hate with hardly any opportunity. I think this route will leave me depressed long term because I’ll always wonder what would have happened if I stayed.

 

So just looking for any male and female thoughts or advice. To be clear, i still love her and really want things to work out long term in the city for us, I just don’t know if it’s too late for her. The flip side is I have a lot invested from moving and potentially a lot to gain as far as my career and just being in a better location, so I hate to just call the whole thing a failure and move back.

[PegNosePete]

It seems like this relationship is over. She wants to break up but hasn't because you've got nowhere to go. She doesn't want any physical affection. She wants a "break" (which means break up). These are all definitely signs that the relationship is dead as a dodo.

 

So your course of action now should be to do what's best for YOU in the future. Don't think about how to get her back or how to save the relationship because there is 0% chance of that happening. You should be working on getting yourself set up for the single life. You need to look at practicalities here. Are you on the lease for the current place? If so then you may be liable for rent. If not then she could kick you out at any time.

 

The best option I think, would be to move back to your place, and then decide on your own if you want to stay there or move elsewhere. You can make the decision with a cool head once the current situation is resolved.

[NebraskaGuy]

Thanks,

 

Two things I wanted to mention:

I’m on the lease so she can’t kick me out and she can easily afford the lease so there’s no real worry there. She gladly remove me when I move out.

 

I feel like if I go back I won’t have another chance for a great job here. Like this is my one chance because the companies here aren’t interested in you very often if you aren’t already local.

 

Just wanted to mention those things in case it impacts your advice.

[PegNosePete]

Staying there will be a nightmare for both of you.

 

Pretend her and her flat don't exist. What would you do if you wanted to move to the new city but weren't already living there? Rent a 1 bed flat, or whatever you can afford, and job hunt.

[d0nnivain]

You have somewhere to go -- home to the house you own & can afford.

 

If you chose to stay & try to fix this, you need to get out & make new friends. Join something. Volunteer somewhere. Get a P/T job just to get out of the house & stop smothering her. She has work out of the apartment. You don't. You only have her & that is what is making her crazy.