Ladies, if a woman said this, was there really something there?

[Highndry]

I think you're saying two different things. A woman lining up men is obviously bad. Men lining up may not be bad if she has no control over that or no knowledge of it.

 

I suppose I interpreted it wrong.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Is writing a list of stuff you like about each other a normal thing couples do

 

I did it, unsolicited, in my last relationship and he loved it. He still talks about it (we're still in contact). I did it over a period of a whole day, through text messaging. It wasn't a birthday or anything, just something nice I decided to do as a surprise.

 

I would not like to be asked to do it, however, unless instructed by a couples counselor!

[frigginlost]

I don't have a vagina, but if I did and some dude asked me to write a list about what I like about him, I would bolt. Fast.

 

Am I missing something here?

 

As a guy, I find that one thing as being extremely weak and clingy. I couldn't fathom asking a woman to do that...

 

OP,

 

More than likely as others have said, she had her eyes on that guy before she walked. The best thing you can do is live and learn in this instance.

 

And don't be asking chicks to write down the things they like about you. That's just odd...

[bobjon]

Probably will make little difference, but let me explain this "list". We were having problems a year ago and I was just sad with all the "you do this wrong". I told her I did not want to fight but realize we seem to bitch about each other a lot, but not enough good things said, so lets try this a different way. I then listed off a bunch of things I love about her. I said something to the effect of "I seem to hear everything I do wrong, and it makes me wonder why you are still fighting for me right now"

 

 

I should clarify a couple things. She is GORGEOUS. We are both catholics, which she loves. She always has men try to hook up with her, but always told me how picky she was, which I guess makes me feel lucky.

 

When we met, the chemistry was just insane! The first week was a blur for both of us. I am afraid life, kids, and stress has driven a wedge between us and it should not have. At the end of the day, I have a LONG list of big dreams, but they all include her and my family in there.

 

I was tightly bonded to her little girl. She would ask where I was, when I coming. I always kissed her goodnight. We held hands while taking the dog out. I was in before her first birthday. I wiped that kid's ass and cleaned up her puke. She is like a daughter. I will tell you that kid was a BRAT when younger, and I almost ended it just because of that, but I did not want a child to cause this wedge. I never could have guessed the bond I would have.

 

Mom was all about family, togetherness, etc. I have been working my tail off to get a new place built for us, but it is taking too long. She did not know I was looking to rent a house in her town, or that I had ring. I knew I was deeply screwed when I finally sent her a pic of the ring, and she was mute. She has been very civil with her words, which is not good.

"I do not wish to see you. It is over, please move on"

 

She has been DYING to get that ring and get this moved forward. And I am simply BEYOND sick that I could miss this by mere weeks! I really, honestly feel this had to happen, to make me come to understand where we went wrong, and how we can fix it. I also know coming back would certainly validate me as her choice. She is most certainly not stuck with me anymore.

 

She has always told me I am totally different than any other man she has ever met, and she has met a pile! I just hope my unique traits can still woo her.

Edited January 22, 2018 by bobjon

[smackie9]

We are only getting your side of the story....maybe just maybe you were not on your best behavior in her eyes. But we will never know unless we were there or we hear from her.

 

You, like most do, get butt hurt over a breakup, especially when the other is blissfully enjoying a new relationship. It is what it is, good or bad. This relationship ran it's course, and sounds to me she has been on the fence for quite awhile due to the issues.....she slowly emotionally detached herself with every argument, disagreement, and times of silence/avoidance. It was a progression. It's a recipe for a failing relationship.

 

I think you are a little too late now for anything to be reconciled. I think she heard it enough "I now know what I did wrong, I will be better you will see....."

[BaileyB]

I could have all the chemistry in the world with a man, but when he shows me that kind of anger and attitude... I'm done.

 

Perhaps she did mean what she said, but she changed her mind. It sounds like what you had was a pretty unhealthy relationship. She had obviously had enough of the fighting.

 

Why she found another man so soon... I have no idea.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, she wanted commitment. Did you have the ring prior to her breaking up with you? Be honest. If you had it, and intended to propose, then screwing up the holidays as you did makes no sense.

 

You jumped into this relationship way too quickly after your first 'non commitment', which you learned nothing from, even when kids arrived.

 

Proposing with a list of things one needs to personally change is a recipe for failure, on the other hand. Insisting on builiding a house yourself, from the ground up, on a piece of land you bought with your ex - she was never going to go for it.

 

Were you EVER open to compromise? You stayed home on Christmas for pissy, selfish reasons. She didn't hear from you until well after, and she broke up with you. End of story. Don't try to drag what she's doing today into the equation. You had your chances.

 

The ring, as well as other changes you claim to have made, is too little, too late.

[kendahke]

The fact that she cut this so clean and went to another guy has simply been unbearable. I SO just want to know if she really did feel all that, or if she was in nutty land????

 

She didn't just meet this guy the day you two had your row---think back to how long you two have been recently bickering--that's probably how long she's been seeing him. She's had time to go through all of the emotions you're feeling now. You've had a few days/weeks to get your grip after that bomb she tossed in your lap.

 

But, the whole point here is: don't let your mouth write checks your feelings can't cash. You ripped into her of your own volition, but you made the fatal mistake of thinking that whatever you said to her, she would get over on your timetable. It didn't (doesn't) work that way. She may have, at the same time she was sniffing in behind this new guy, decided that this ripping you gave her was the last straw that shoved her over the "stay or leave" fence into the leave yard and she's done.

 

Respect her decision and leave her and her daughter be.

[basil67]

Why didn't you tell her you were looking to move near to her? Sounds like she couldn't get into your mind.

 

Regarding ripping into people.... A similar situation brought about the end of my first marriage. I was desperately miserable but hanging on because of my vows and because I hoped thing would improve. One morning he ripped into me, telling me that me having one foot out the door was so unfair to him.

 

It was like a light turned on. His words were the absolute catalyst I needed to walk out the door. I realised that he was right. I realised he was never going to change. I realised I was being unfair to him by being uncertain. I packed my bags and was gone within the hour. Never looked back. I actually met the man of my dreams 2 months after leaving my ex. If my ex posted the story, many here would say that I had him lined up. But I didn't. I guess those posters don't understand being DONE and being able to move on easily.

 

Your words would have been that catalyst for her. She realised that she would be better off with a different man.

[BluesPower]

Probably will make little difference, but let me explain this "list". We were having problems a year ago and I was just sad with all the "you do this wrong". I told her I did not want to fight but realize we seem to bitch about each other a lot, but not enough good things said, so lets try this a different way. I then listed off a bunch of things I love about her. I said something to the effect of "I seem to hear everything I do wrong, and it makes me wonder why you are still fighting for me right now"

 

I should clarify a couple things. She is GORGEOUS. We are both catholics, which she loves. She always has men try to hook up with her, but always told me how picky she was, which I guess makes me feel lucky.

 

When we met, the chemistry was just insane! The first week was a blur for both of us. I am afraid life, kids, and stress has driven a wedge between us and it should not have. At the end of the day, I have a LONG list of big dreams, but they all include her and my family in there.

 

I was tightly bonded to her little girl. She would ask where I was, when I coming. I always kissed her goodnight. We held hands while taking the dog out. I was in before her first birthday. I wiped that kid's ass and cleaned up her puke. She is like a daughter. I will tell you that kid was a BRAT when younger, and I almost ended it just because of that, but I did not want a child to cause this wedge. I never could have guessed the bond I would have.

 

Mom was all about family, togetherness, etc. I have been working my tail off to get a new place built for us, but it is taking too long. She did not know I was looking to rent a house in her town, or that I had ring. I knew I was deeply screwed when I finally sent her a pic of the ring, and she was mute. She has been very civil with her words, which is not good.

"I do not wish to see you. It is over, please move on"

 

She has been DYING to get that ring and get this moved forward. And I am simply BEYOND sick that I could miss this by mere weeks! I really, honestly feel this had to happen, to make me come to understand where we went wrong, and how we can fix it. I also know coming back would certainly validate me as her choice. She is most certainly not stuck with me anymore.

 

She has always told me I am totally different than any other man she has ever met, and she has met a pile! I just hope my unique traits can still woo her.

 

Listen, you are not listening...

 

What most of these posts are saying is the following:

 

1) She was having an affair while you guys were together. Understand, she was sleeping with at least one other guy before you broke up.

 

2) She is done, and in D O N E. She has already found another man, and he is at least as good as you in bed and probably has the same of more money. You are toast.

 

3) This temper thing that you have as a young man, Yeah, well get over it. Chicks hate that stuff with a passion. It makes you look foolish in front of them, and most of all, it hurts their feelings.

 

This is probably the main reason she screwed you over. Now is the time to understand the deficits that you have (anger issues, communication issues) and fix them.

 

And of this sinking in?????

[Chilli]

Seems to me same old same old. He gets the blame for all her faults too and it's even his fault her racing of with another man a week later , she'd obviously been thinking about and probably more behind his back for mths before while his buying her a ring and planning their house. Ok the land might not have been choice , soooo !

and he gets the blame for her temper over months before too and her drinking.

And for not being a prince under all her crap , straight after a serious car accident in the middle of christmas.

 

But if he was her in this, and the table was turned, it'd still be leave him he's an animal and still all his fault.

 

People seem to be missing both sides of the coin and the fine print right through this.

Edited January 22, 2018 by Chilli

[basil67]

Seems to me same old same old. He gets the blame for all her faults too and it's even his fault her racing of with another man a week later , she'd obviously been thinking about and probably more behind his back for mths before while his buying her a ring and planning their house. Ok the land might not have been choice , soooo !

and he gets the blame for her temper over months before too and her drinking.

And for not being a prince under all her crap , straight after a serious car accident in the middle of christmas.

 

But if he was her in this, and the table was turned, it'd still be leave him he's an animal and still all his fault.

 

People seem to be missing both sides of the coin and the fine print right through this.

 

But he wants her back! She can't have been that bad.

[Highndry]

...She has been very civil with her words, which is not good. "I do not wish to see you. It is over, please move on"...

 

"As you wish. Best of luck."

 

That should be your response, and then never again initiate contact with her. Ever. If she contacts you, that's something entirely different, but you should never, ever contact this woman again. She made that absolutely clear.

[bobjon]

it is immensely irritating that she leaves pictures of her kissing me and pics of my family and cousins on her public FB page.

 

yes, i know that means nothing, but I guess for me, when things are terminated, I like to severe the damn ties!

 

I also asked a while back for several of my things back, which she has yet to do. I was not going to press her about them, as I really don't need them, but really figured she would want to slam this thing down.

 

She also unblocked me from FB. I actually immediately blocked her, but I have since chilled out and unblocked as well. Again, maybe this is just immature antics but the way I see it, if you really want to be mature, I would think a final in person talk would be appropriate to dissolve a 3.5yr relationship where marriage and moving in was involved. One second she wanted a house, next she didn't want to talk.

 

I hit her immediately with cheating when we broke, but honestly, I don't think she did...BUT, once I am out, it is not cheating!!!! lol

 

My biggest mistake EVER is that i thought you could trust a woman. Doubt that very much any more. This one will forever change how I think

[Yosemite]

She also unblocked me from FB. I actually immediately blocked her, but I have since chilled out and unblocked as well. Again, maybe this is just immature antics but the way I see it, if you really want to be mature, I would think a final in person talk would be appropriate to dissolve a 3.5yr relationship where marriage and moving in was involved. One second she wanted a house, next she didn't want to talk.

 

Once you scare a woman with your behavior after she breaks up with you, you no longer have the right to hope for one last talk to end the relationship. She would have to be crazy to meet up with you now.

 

Sorry you’re hurting but you have to start moving on.

[basil67]

but the way I see it, if you really want to be mature, I would think a final in person talk would be appropriate

 

If you really want to be mature, don't rip into your partner and tell them they'd be better of with someone else. Bobjon, you're really not in a situation to look down on her here.

 

I hit her immediately with cheating when we broke, but honestly, I don't think she did...BUT, once I am out, it is not cheating!!!! lol

 

What do you mean by "I hit her immediately with cheating" and "once I am out, it is not cheating"

[GemmaUK]

It's not like she just suddenly ended it with you- - the relationship was rocky at best. You've been through counselling and you flipped on her.

Closure talks are for the reason why things ended but the reason here is obvious.

I don't understand why you don't see that.

 

Did you ever get help for the BP tendencies you were told you have and the anger issues you know you have which you talked about back in 2013 ?

[Chilli]

Still don't get it , again she's still walking off as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

 

Wonder if she sort help for her bp tendencies and her lining up new men tendencies while herbf is about to propose,drinking and the rest of it..

 

l really must've missed something here.

[Sara1989]

it is immensely irritating that she leaves pictures of her kissing me and pics of my family and cousins on her public FB page.

 

yes, i know that means nothing, but I guess for me, when things are terminated, I like to severe the damn ties!

 

I also asked a while back for several of my things back, which she has yet to do. I was not going to press her about them, as I really don't need them, but really figured she would want to slam this thing down.

 

She also unblocked me from FB. I actually immediately blocked her, but I have since chilled out and unblocked as well. Again, maybe this is just immature antics but the way I see it, if you really want to be mature, I would think a final in person talk would be appropriate to dissolve a 3.5yr relationship where marriage and moving in was involved. One second she wanted a house, next she didn't want to talk.

 

I hit her immediately with cheating when we broke, but honestly, I don't think she did...BUT, once I am out, it is not cheating!!!! lol

 

My biggest mistake EVER is that i thought you could trust a woman. Doubt that very much any more. This one will forever change how I think

 

Yes because becoming one of those men who paint ALL WOMEN with the same brush is sooo mature.

 

I would love to hear your ex side of the story but from what I read you are no innocent here.

[GemmaUK]

l really must've missed something here.

 

With respect, if you haven't ever felt scared by a partner whom you already know has angry outbursts or are unable to put yourself in the shoes of the person feeling the fear then maybe that is what you're missing.

It's a very frightening experience.

[basil67]

Wonder if she sort help for her bp tendencies and her lining up new men tendencies while herbf is about to propose,drinking and the rest of it..

 

l really must've missed something here.

 

I think the bit you missed is that she didn't know he was about to propose. Nor did she know he was looking to move nearer to her. Had he communicated about these things, chances are she would have made different decisions.

 

And most of all, he is the one who initiated the breakup talk and then went AWOL over Christmas. This isn't how to keep someone you value.

Edited January 23, 2018 by basil67

[lovephule]

I'm going to completely disagree with this. Lining men up while you're still in a relationship, no matter what the state of affairs, is dirty pool. It's cheating, in my opinion.

 

I think you're saying two different things. A woman lining up men is obviously bad. Men lining up may not be bad if she has no control over that or no knowledge of it.

 

Yeah, CO's interpretation is as I intended it, HND. There are always men waiting in the wings for an attractive woman, independent of what she herself wants.

 

I'm sure the thread has taken on different turns since I last checked in so I'm gonna do some catching up. In the meantime, it appears to me that the dark-arts challenge* here is not to make her think she can't do any better, but that she doesn't deserve any better. The best time to do that would have been before she flew the coop, but OP overplayed his hand.

 

*OP is not stupid or insane. Is the initial premise of the thread a man trying to nurse a broken heart or a man gathering ammunition for a full-frontal offensive? I'm just observing the mechanics here, I do not endorse them.

[bobjon]

I guess I should explain more here as I realize folks are digging things up from years ago. Almost ALL of my anger issues were resolved when I met my most recent ex. I would highly doubt she would classify me as a loose cannon. I was actually praised for not dragging this other dude out by his ears, but I knew a legal battle would not help anything. We don't have screaming matches. I would never have classified her as a cheater, and I don't think anyone else would either. Once she told me "I am talking to someone else", I said "and you have probably already cheated", and she said, "you know I would never cheat on you". I realize I may get to eat crow here but I stuck with her for this long because I actually bought her sincerity. This is a woman that won't even go to communion because she needs to go to confession.

 

I finally got some communication from one of her best friends that she may be doing this all on purpose, to get back at me, and make me jealous. I think it is childish and vengeful but time will have to tell that story. All I know is if she sleeps with someone else, I am out. I already told her that.

 

According to a friend, she was talking about wanting a ring as recent as a couple months ago, and her friend finds it nearly impossible, knowing her since childhood, that she would shift gears that easy. I don't know.

 

All I know for certain is this process had to happen anyway. I did not propose before for a reason! We both had some issues that needed resolved.

 

To explain about any anger issues. We have never really had any screaming matches. It is more that she does dumb things, and I walked away rather than confront her on them, but that damaged our relationship. The way I have to look at this is if she will not make the changes needed, it just won't work.

 

I have also been told that since her core focus has been marriage and kids since we met, there came a point that was a LONG time ago, where she likely started building resentment towards me for not moving things up. I may very well have killed this but I knew I could not do life with someone that acts this way.

 

I guess if we sit down and talk again, the secrets are now out so some of this will be pitched back to her. You want a ring, then make the changes needed to make yourself marriage material. I am digging through all my BS and I am certainly not white in this. I should have confronted her years ago.

 

I really have to take some faith that our argument at thanksgiving opened a lot of eyes in the family because they all knew we both were drinking all day, just having fun. It took a turn when we left and she wanted me to take her shopping. I started going that way and told her it was not a good idea. We got in a fight, and I turned the car around, took her home, and I went home in my truck. I guess she then returned to her family sobbing. However, they ALL told her not to go shopping, and they know I made the right decision, and got to see what I was dealing with! They got to witness the BS I was going through.

 

There was another instance when we all went to a concert, and while all in the car going home, her mouth got her kicked out by her brother-in-law. Her own mom was sitting right there! I did nothing because I agreed with the decision! We were ALL tired of hearing it. I can only hope she is getting some swift counseling from her family about why I might resist in marrying her!

 

The sad thing is if she would just chill out, and not over do it, we are just fine! It just got to a point where anytime we would go out, and drinking was involved, I had concern that we would eventually have a problem! No one is going to do life with that woman when she acts like this! It has to stop! If she is not willing to do that for me, then I think this may all be for the best.

Edited January 23, 2018 by bobjon

[BluesPower]

I guess I should explain more here as I realize folks are digging things up from years ago. Almost ALL of my anger issues were resolved when I met my most recent ex. I would highly doubt she would classify me as a loose cannon. I was actually praised for not dragging this other dude out by his ears, but I knew a legal battle would not help anything. We don't have screaming matches. I would never have classified her as a cheater, and I don't think anyone else would either. Once she told me "I am talking to someone else", I said "and you have probably already cheated", and she said, "you know I would never cheat on you". I realize I may get to eat crow here but I stuck with her for this long because I actually bought her sincerity. This is a woman that won't even go to communion because she needs to go to confession.

 

I finally got some communication from one of her best friends that she may be doing this all on purpose, to get back at me, and make me jealous. I think it is childish and vengeful but time will have to tell that story. All I know is if she sleeps with someone else, I am out. I already told her that.

 

According to a friend, she was talking about wanting a ring as recent as a couple months ago, and her friend finds it nearly impossible, knowing her since childhood, that she would shift gears that easy. I don't know.

 

All I know for certain is this process had to happen anyway. I did not propose before for a reason! We both had some issues that needed resolved.

 

To explain about any anger issues. We have never really had any screaming matches. It is more that she does dumb things, and I walked away rather than confront her on them, but that damaged our relationship. The way I have to look at this is if she will not make the changes needed, it just won't work.

 

I have also been told that since her core focus has been marriage and kids since we met, there came a point that was a LONG time ago, where she likely started building resentment towards me for not moving things up. I may very well have killed this but I knew I could not do life with someone that acts this way.

 

I guess if we sit down and talk again, the secrets are now out so some of this will be pitched back to her. You want a ring, then make the changes needed to make yourself marriage material. I am digging through all my BS and I am certainly not white in this. I should have confronted her years ago.

 

I really have to take some faith that our argument at thanksgiving opened a lot of eyes in the family because they all knew we both were drinking all day, just having fun. It took a turn when we left and she wanted me to take her shopping. I started going that way and told her it was not a good idea. We got in a fight, and I turned the car around, took her home, and I went home in my truck. I guess she then returned to her family sobbing. However, they ALL told her not to go shopping, and they know I made the right decision, and got to see what I was dealing with! They got to witness the BS I was going through.

 

There was another instance when we all went to a concert, and while all in the car going home, her mouth got her kicked out by her brother-in-law. Her own mom was sitting right there! I did nothing because I agreed with the decision! We were ALL tired of hearing it. I can only hope she is getting some swift counseling from her family about why I might resist in marrying her!

 

The sad thing is if she would just chill out, and not over do it, we are just fine! It just got to a point where anytime we would go out, and drinking was involved, I had concern that we would eventually have a problem! No one is going to do life with that woman when she acts like this! It has to stop! If she is not willing to do that for me, then I think this may all be for the best.

 

Then I guess you are out...

 

Brother, it may not matter, because she is not coming back.

 

But if you think she was not screwing another guy before the break up, well, then I have this bridge I would like to sell you.

 

It would really be better for you if you just woke up and moved on without a seconds consideration for her.

 

Do us a favor, when you find out she really was cheating, would you come back and tell us. I just want to add your stuff the endless list of BF's and Husbands that thought their "Pure" GF/Wife was not cheating...

[springs]

I'm a dude, but can give you some advice.

 

When women say stuff like that, they mean it IN THAT MOMENT. When guys (most of us) say things like that it has much more duration. When I said I loved my ex I meant it - and still do.

 

Women are emotional creatures and what was said last year, last moth, last week has no basis in reality once that moment has passed.

 

Look at the posts on here and see how many guys had their girl tell them "I'll never leave you", "Ill always love you", "etc enter BS here".

 

I don't think they are purposely deceiving us, it's just the way their mind works. They live moment to moment and you constantly have to be aware of their current feelings, lest you be blindsided.

 

Chances are this other dude was in the picture before you broke up.

 

Bottom line is don't trust what they say, only their actions.

 

This is very insightful. Actions are everything which is why ppl in new relationships should be careful of over texting.