He Cheated, I found out, so he dumps me cause I was upset?

[WhatsYourDamage]

wow I haven't been here for years, i create this at like 16 & i am now 25 lol...not much has changed i guess.

 

 

We never decided to make it official but we both agreed to exclusivity, both of us made it very clear there couldn't be anyone else. after being involved for over a year and a good amount of months of smooth sailing towards the end we were closer than ever...until one day i found it in a horrible way he had slept with someone else. I freaked out, he lied for 2 days and slept with me both of those days then when he finally admitted it i was furious but i stayed calm for a day or two then we had a talk where he said it was a mistake, a one time thing, and that he wanted to start over, she was no one, he blocked her, etc etc. i kept pressing for more info until he got fed up & stopped talking altogether.

 

his one complaint throughout our situation was that I was too emotional and when i was upset i got too wild. I tried to contain it he even commented on how calm i was but i was extremely hurt so when he had the audacity to be fed up with ME after what i found even while i was trying to be calm i just got upset. i tried to see his phone and he got so mad he blocked me. after that i was the one trying to contact someone who had hurt me...he turned everything on me, it was no longer about the other girl but that i had "disrespected him with trying to see his phone" it was clear manipulation i could see it but i still allowed it to happen because my emotions were so involved. He unblocked me the next day after i called him from my work phone for the following days he was hot and cold, some days he was sorry and contrite, others he was cruel and disrespectful, then he was nice and funny, during our second to last phonecall he was basically saying we will be together again ofcourse i told him this would never happen but we were both joking and laughing throughout the call & we ended on a good note i finally was strong enough to not contact him for a few days after that, thinking we were both cooling off...eventually i caved & called to be shocked when he says we cant speak anymore he doesnt want me anymore and he wont be picking up anymore calls.

 

I have never been this hurt...i cant even process everything that happened...i feel pathetic because I know i was the one who should've blocked him and ignored him but i allowed the tables to turn and now i've been betrayed & abandoned...idk if he is with the girl idk what it is. he said i was too emotional and because of my reaction he is no longer interested...i know its bull**** & that he probably just didnt care much in general...i tried to go nc but after a few days i tried to call to check if it was true and when i was ignored i just couldnt believe it and i called even more to the point of him turning off his phone. I think the biggest reason why it has been so hard to let go is because i genuinely do/did not believe he wanted to end it, he slept with this girl while i was out of the country for the week & never thought i'd find out, i do believe he couldve done this before or maybe wouldve continued despite his adamant denial. it just this thought in my head that deep down this guy didnt want to end it but he is backed into a corner & now he has to, even thought he said out of his own mouth it is over for good I just don't believe him & i find my self keep trying to check if its true. The first week he just kept saying we will fix it and asking me to fix it the second week he was hot and cold saying eventually we just need time apart then abruptly he says its over for good and stops responding...i feel like i finally realized he is serious and stopped calling but it was hard to get to that point.

 

I know my only option is to let it go but it was so abrupt....I didnt see it coming...i cant even understand how we ended up here....in the beginning i thought he was just immature and being cruel because he got caught & didnt wanna face it and that eventually he'd come begging back and i'd get to tell him no because he slept with someone else & have my confidence restored. Now 3 weeks later & being ignored for the past week I'm still the one who seems to be chasing, self esteem on the floor, & i realized he was serious he was done & i'll never know if he wanted to be done all along or if he's just ending it because he got caught...I'm not even okay with being cheated on & probably wouldve ended it myself but being blindsided by him being mad at me made me forget what even caused this now im just focused on being dumped....the sad thing is because of our family ties i WILL have to see this guy again at some point.

 

I'm starting an nc log today cause i broke it yesterday after 5 days & was met with no response.

 

has anyone been through this? how did you handle it?

Edited January 21, 2018 by WhatsYourDamage

[CaliBabe]

OH MY GOODNESS! First, I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

I feel like by blaming things on you it alleviates his own guilt/responsibility of why things ended. He can blame you and not own that this entire thing was his fault. He knows you will take him back and the calling over and over makes him feel like he has the upper hand. Had you gone NC immediately he wouldn't know where you stand and would come poking around to see if you would take him back. More importantly, NC would have made you high value.

 

Him cheating on you and then you running after him calling constantly brought down your value in his eyes alot. He was probably thinking you did not have high self respect. He could do this to you and you would come running?

 

Girl, you seem like a really nice and faithful partner. You deserve way better than how he is treating you. If you want to read my post you will see I too am dealing with a f***boy. Thats the problem though, the boys we are dealing with are not men. Not capable of being good accountable partners. Go strict NC and look at this as if you dodged a bullet. He is not capable of being a good partner to anyone.

[WhatsYourDamage]

OH MY GOODNESS! First, I am so sorry this happened to you.

 

I feel like by blaming things on you it alleviates his own guilt/responsibility of why things ended. He can blame you and not own that this entire thing was his fault. He knows you will take him back and the calling over and over makes him feel like he has the upper hand. Had you gone NC immediately he wouldn't know where you stand and would come poking around to see if you would take him back. More importantly, NC would have made you high value.

 

Him cheating on you and then you running after him calling constantly brought down your value in his eyes alot. He was probably thinking you did not have high self respect. He could do this to you and you would come running?

 

Girl, you seem like a really nice and faithful partner. You deserve way better than how he is treating you. If you want to read my post you will see I too am dealing with a f***boy. Thats the problem though, the boys we are dealing with are not men. Not capable of being good accountable partners. Go strict NC and look at this as if you dodged a bullet. He is not capable of being a good partner to anyone.

 

I know, unfortunately the way i found out and the fact i was stuck in a house with him for the following 4 days made it so hard to go nc, i tried but by the second day i spoke to him & he immediately started manipulating me & by the 4th day it was ruined. I am going to check out your post now thanks for the reply

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Of course he's mad at you. Every time he looks at you he's reminded what a piece of crap he is. In his mind, that's your fault for bringing that to light. If you read here long enough you'll see this is very common. My exH did this, too. The anger directed at me because of his choices was maddening, confusing, and hurtful.

 

Hang in there <3.

[Jj66]

Completely normal and predicatable. Too bad for him. You are better off without him.

[WhatsYourDamage]

Of course he's mad at you. Every time he looks at you he's reminded what a piece of crap he is. In his mind, that's your fault for bringing that to light. If you read here long enough you'll see this is very common. My exH did this, too. The anger directed at me because of his choices was maddening, confusing, and hurtful.

 

Hang in there <3.

 

 

surprisingly i've never had someone cheat & turn it on me to this really hurts, I can't imagine if we were married how i'd handle it. I'm assuming your exH never apologized right?

[WhatsYourDamage]

Completely normal and predicatable. Too bad for him. You are better off without him.

 

 

Lol & I never predicted it! thanks for the words!

[Jj66]

Lol & I never predicted it! thanks for the words!

 

Read the infidelity forums. This type of thing is repeated over and over. I know it hurts right now but you will be better off. Trust me. ... but don't trust him.

[qtntran]

Ah, the games we play.

 

This is basic narcissistic playbook 101. I think you're most upset about letting him manipulating you and being blindsided by the break up. If anything you wanted to do the dumping on your own terms. You just weren't emotionally ready to pull the plug and upset that he beat you to it. I think there's still a small part of you hoping that he'd come crawling back and apologize so your confidence can be restore. Don't give him that power!

 

You didn't do anything wrong so don't let him make you feel less than or take all the blame. He was ready to jump ship or at least trying to two timed you if you didn't find out. Also, you didn't push him to break up with you. He decide that on his own. Believe him. Kill the hope so you can start to move on. Take your power back and stop playing the game. Focus on yourself and one day you will look back at this as a blessing in disguise.