Dating a girl fresh from breakup

[coresnet]

I met a girl I liked and we've been on two dates already. The problem is that her bf has broken up with her recently (for 2nd or 3rd time, they'd been together for 4 years) and they are still living together because she is looking for a roommate to live with. I was provided with that info in the middle of the second date and I was surprised but retained my composure. I like her and want to get to know her but I fear it is a recipe for disaster and I'd like to get some opinions. The dates went very well, we shared some moments of physical touch and she's told me that she is attracted. She said she is happy to meet me at this exact time of her life because I've shown her things she's been blind for up until now (I don't know what that means) but she wants to take things slow and she wants to go out with me again (we are going to the cinema next week). So I guess she definitely likes me, but the situation she's in makes me fear the outcome. I don't want to develop some feelings and be hurt in the end because I've read about rebound relationship and such things. I just don't have enough experience and I've never been in such a situation.

[Jj66]

Begging for drama.

 

I wouldn't date her until she is no longer living with him and some time has passed. Good rule of thumb- one month for every year of the previous relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I met a girl I liked and we've been on two dates already. The problem is that her bf has broken up with her recently (for 2nd or 3rd time, they'd been together for 4 years) and they are still living together because she is looking for a roommate to live with. I was provided with that info in the middle of the second date and I was surprised but retained my composure. I like her and want to get to know her but I fear it is a recipe for disaster and I'd like to get some opinions. The dates went very well, we shared some moments of physical touch and she's told me that she is attracted. She said she is happy to meet me at this exact time of her life because I've shown her things she's been blind for up until now (I don't know what that means) but she wants to take things slow and she wants to go out with me again (we are going to the cinema next week). So I guess she definitely likes me, but the situation she's in makes me fear the outcome. I don't want to develop some feelings and be hurt in the end because I've read about rebound relationship and such things. I just don't have enough experience and I've never been in such a situation.

 

Yup, recipe for disaster. If you're looking for something casual, to occupy your time until you find someone else, not a problem, but do not invest too much into this. It will be while before she is ready. A WHILE...

[smackie9]

No don't do it....back away very carefully.

[coresnet]

You all confirm my worries, that's what I feared too I finally found a girl that everything seems so fluent with, and it turns out she's broken... I do know a person should mourn the loss. I was devastated for good several months after my ex broke up with me and didn't want to hear about dating. Now, over an year later I feel ready for a new relationship because I've overcome everything from the past and I don't want to be hurt again. I am looking for a LTR so sex is out of the picture with this girl or any other. I have much more info and I will share it with you when I have the time, maybe it will clarify the situation better. For now, I am looking forward to the next week when we are supposed to go see some movie, is that a good idea?

[smackie9]

If you are looking for a LTR you are looking in the wrong place. If you date her you will end up being a rebound, and a stepping stone for the next guy.

 

It would be best to tell her to contact you when she has had time to heal, and get her situation straightened out.

 

Remember she has a history of going back to her ex, and it's all still fresh. And from your experience, you needed time before wanting a relationship. Don't ignore our warnings and what you feel in your gut.

Edited January 21, 2018 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

You are at best a transitional relationship. She makes bad decisions -- like trying to date before she has moved out. What ever you do, do not let her live with you.

 

Date her causally if you like but do not give your heart away. She's probably still having sex with the EX. Since he broke up with her, if he wants her back after 4 years & this is the 3rd break up you know she'll take him back in a heart beat. She is really not emotionally or physically free to date you. Be very very careful because I don't see this ending well for you.

[coresnet]

I like her and I really wish the situation was not so bad for me but that's unrealistic. Thinking logically I should run as fast as I can but there's still part of me that wants her

[Jj66]

I like her and I really wish the situation was not so bad for me but that's unrealistic. Thinking logically I should run as fast as I can but there's still part of me that wants her

 

Don't run. Just a firm no thank you right now. I like you. If you like me too then feel free to call me in six months once you have your **** together.

 

Most likely she will be back with her boyfriend or with a transitional/rebound person by then. Better them than you.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Jj66

[coresnet]

I've told her I like her, she told me she is attracted but wants things to happen slowly etc. So I guess she knows my intentions. But I doubt if I tell her that she can contact me six months down the road she will do it, many things can happen for that time and I've never waited for a girl like that. I suppose it's a "now or never" situation and I am leaning toward "never" because I don't want to get hurt. Yet I like her...

[Jj66]

I've told her I like her, she told me she is attracted but wants things to happen slowly etc. So I guess she knows my intentions. But I doubt if I tell her that she can contact me six months down the road she will do it, many things can happen for that time and I've never waited for a girl like that. I suppose it's a "now or never" situation and I am leaning toward "never" because I don't want to get hurt. Yet I like her...

 

And if she does call (unlikely) what makes you think you won't be involved with someone else? Don't wait. Live your life. The whole point of telling her to call you later is that there are many better choices out there who are not living with their boyfriends and who are ready to date right now.

 

Waiting for her would be just as stupid as dating her right now.

[d0nnivain]

I like her and I really wish the situation was not so bad for me but that's unrealistic. Thinking logically I should run as fast as I can but there's still part of me that wants her

 

 

So hang around CASUALLY & see when (if) she moves out. If she doesn't, well then you have your answer.

[mortensorchid]

Not a good situation to be in. Not by a long shot. She is still living with him, still clinging to him, and still hoping that they will work it out deep inside. You don't want to be there even if she has just moved out. You're a rebound.

 

I would tell her this now and say that you understand this is a bad situation to be in for the both of you, once she has moved out of the house and readjusted then you can consider something otherwise. But don't be in it now with her.

[coresnet]

So hang around CASUALLY & see when (if) she moves out. If she doesn't, well then you have your answer.

 

I don't think I can hang around casually, I will probably develop feelings I hugged her at the first date and we were walking like that. At the second date we were sitting on a couch in a restaurant and were even more intimate so there was some progress and I doubt if things continue like that, I'll be able to not like her even more... She will move out when she finds a roommate, it's not so easy here.

[coresnet]

Not a good situation to be in. Not by a long shot. She is still living with him, still clinging to him, and still hoping that they will work it out deep inside. You don't want to be there even if she has just moved out. You're a rebound.

 

I would tell her this now and say that you understand this is a bad situation to be in for the both of you, once she has moved out of the house and readjusted then you can consider something otherwise. But don't be in it now with her.

 

Do you think she still wants him? I haven't asked her and I don't know if it would be appropriate. She told me she wants to get out of that apartment. I fear that if I let some time pass by and she moves out - she will forget about me and all the good moments will be gone.

[Popsicle]

This is a good question. How do you tell them that it’s too soon ?

[GoreSP]

Well I’m currently in thw girl’s situation so here’s my take.

 

If I were to meet someone I have good chemistry with, I’d most likely want to date him. That being said, I would avoid bringing the guy over and I have a new lease starting in two weeks. I’m basically waiting for that last move so I can move on to better things.

 

Do you know what their relationship is currently like? Friendly/don’t wven say hi to each other?

I would give it a shot but take.your.time. and don’t try to provoque the ex. Hell if you know anyone looking for a place, suggest her!

 

I agree with every one saying the drama meter is super high. I wouldn’t write her off just yet but be on your guard.

Edited January 22, 2018 by GoreSP

[d0nnivain]

I don't think I can hang around casually, I will probably develop feelings I hugged her at the first date and we were walking like that. At the second date we were sitting on a couch in a restaurant and were even more intimate so there was some progress and I doubt if things continue like that, I'll be able to not like her even more... She will move out when she finds a roommate, it's not so easy here.

 

B.S. If she wanted out, she'd be gone already. The economics is an excuse because her & her "ex" have a break up / make up cycle. She's pretty confident that she doesn't have to move because he will eventually take her back. You on the other hand are momentary distraction designed to make the BF jealous.

 

If you can't be in her presence without developing feelings, walk away now. A little pain now is better then the heartache you will experience when you fall hard & she goes running back to him.

[GoreSP]

B.S. If she wanted out, she'd be gone already. The economics is an excuse because her & her "ex" have a break up / make up cycle. She's pretty confident that she doesn't have to move because he will eventually take her back. You on the other hand are momentary distraction designed to make the BF jealous.

 

If you can't be in her presence without developing feelings, walk away now. A little pain now is better then the heartache you will experience when you fall hard & she goes running back to him.

 

I disagree. It depends how long ago they decided to move on (was it a month ago? 6 months ago?) Is she looking actively or waiting for someone to fall on her lap?

[d0nnivain]

I disagree. It depends how long ago they decided to move on (was it a month ago? 6 months ago?) Is she looking actively or waiting for someone to fall on her lap?

 

 

If the break up was so soon that she hasn't had time to find a new place to live what the <bleep> is this girl doing dating already?

 

Nope. There is no reason for this. If it's long enough that she had time to process the end of that relationship it was long enough for her to move out. If the break up happened the day or week before she met the OP, she's no where near emotionally ready to date & the OP would simply be a gap filler rebound -- somebody to get under while she tries to get over her EX.

[GoreSP]

If the break up was so soon that she hasn't had time to find a new place to live what the <bleep> is this girl doing dating already?

 

People process breakups differently. Also, the silver lining in getting back together with an ex is that you get to the point where you realize it's really over and nothing can be done to fix the relationship.

 

Could OP just be a rebound? yes.

Could OPs girl be ready to move on? yes.

 

It's 50/50 at this point.

 

It's not necessarily black and white. I'm not saying OP should throw himself in this relationship, but I don't think it's worth writing her off yet (unless there are parts to this story we know nothing about)

[Cookiesandough]

True. Who knows better than the person themselves when they're emotionally ready to move on. But I think the fact that it's been so soon + she is the dumpee + let's go slow speech knocks the likelihood of her being ready down to like 10/90. Still a chance

[coresnet]

Well I’m currently in thw girl’s situation so here’s my take.

 

If I were to meet someone I have good chemistry with, I’d most likely want to date him. That being said, I would avoid bringing the guy over and I have a new lease starting in two weeks. I’m basically waiting for that last move so I can move on to better things.

 

Do you know what their relationship is currently like? Friendly/don’t wven say hi to each other?

I would give it a shot but take.your.time. and don’t try to provoque the ex. Hell if you know anyone looking for a place, suggest her!

 

I agree with every one saying the drama meter is super high. I wouldn’t write her off just yet but be on your guard.

 

I have no idea what their relationship is at the moment.

[coresnet]

B.S. If she wanted out, she'd be gone already. The economics is an excuse because her & her "ex" have a break up / make up cycle. She's pretty confident that she doesn't have to move because he will eventually take her back. You on the other hand are momentary distraction designed to make the BF jealous.

 

If you can't be in her presence without developing feelings, walk away now. A little pain now is better then the heartache you will experience when you fall hard & she goes running back to him.

 

That's what I was told. I am inclined to believe that she wants to get out of there. I THINK I won't be able to stay aloof if we continue dating so it's better we don't see each other, I guess...

[coresnet]

I disagree. It depends how long ago they decided to move on (was it a month ago? 6 months ago?) Is she looking actively or waiting for someone to fall on her lap?

 

The decision has been taken couple of months ago. They'd been together for more than two years when they decided to live together. Then, for the next year and a half, things turned out to be not so good when they were living like a family. She is not actively looking for someone.