New_Wife Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 My 13 year old daughter wants to change from her father's house to mine. She loves her father, and he has been a good father to her for the most part, but he's been negecting her health. Partially it is because he is simply incapable of helping her with her insulin resistance, as he is horrifically obese and addicted to food. His mother is a diabetic who's repeatedly been hospitalized because of her inability to treat herself and may face amputation soon, and he (child's father) has medical issues turning up left and right due to his own massive weight. My daughter is tipping the scales at over 200, and has been struggling with insulin resistance. I've tried my best to work with her father on this, but like I said, he is (at best) incapable, but mostly in complete denial of the need for any lifestyle changes. His wife, an otherwise lovely woman, is also morbidly obese and they eat horribly. The last straw was an infection that he ignored, that nearly went septic on my daughter, and may have affected her future ability to have children. He was told, over a month ago, that her white cell count was high, signaling an infection and asked to call the nurse. He did not. fast-forward three weeks, and she's complaining of itchy burny privates that hurt to even sit. I get her seen immediately, and she's brewed up a full on bacterial infection that is somewhat resistant to antibiotics. I blew a gasket (not in front of her) and have decided to seek custody. I didn't want to do this against her will, so I sat down and had a long talk with her, explaining my growing concerns for her health and that diabetes is a forever disease once you've got it. I told her that I wanted to take over her day-to-day care, have her join weight watchers with me, and be sure her female care was a first priority. She agreed, but is understandably upset that she'll hurt her father. He and I have managed to co-parent relatively well over the last decade, but he's got his power-play issues now and then, and his mother is a lunatic who's emotionally badgered my children to no end - dragging out promises of endless fidelity to "their side" and pledges to never leave. She is afraid she will be put through the wringer for this decision. Please help me. How can I most tactfully manage this transition and help my child maintain her relationship with her father to the best extent possible? I don't want to completely screw up her life in order to save it.
Merin Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Explain to your EXH that this isn't about YOU or HIM that it's about doing what is in the best interest of your Daughter... I understand your Daugther not wanting to upset her Dad, however he is going to have to be an adult about this and understand because of his own medical condition he isn't able to care for her in the way she needs to be cared for... if you think it will help to soften the blow here then tell him you think he's a great Dad, but because of his medical condition he isn't able to give your Daughter the care she needs....
Author New_Wife Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Man, I hope you're right. As of this moment, he's refusing to even set up a time to talk. And he doesn't even know what it's about besides my child and her health. GRRRR.
Merin Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Originally posted by New_Wife Man, I hope you're right. As of this moment, he's refusing to even set up a time to talk. And he doesn't even know what it's about besides my child and her health. GRRRR. I'm sorry to hear that... It always amazes me how sometimes a parent who is no longer with the Mom/Dad still continue to make it all about them and not about what is best for the Kiddo in question If you have to get ugly about it, then while it will suck it is crucial in doing the right thing for your daughter... he (Your EX) Is a grown man and if he can't seem to "Get it" well thats to bad for him... your Daugthers health is priority and if he wants to be a ****er about things then I would throw it back on him and ask straight up what is more important... his feelings not being hurt or your Daugther not being hurt... if he is the parent he claims to be, this will be a no brainer.... Good Luck
RecordProducer Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I just know that the best way to achieve things is to be nice - much nicer than you feel like being. Don't accuse him, but rather say that you want to help, because you'd feel like a bad mother if you don't take care of your child. Just being curious, why does your daughter live with her dad in the first place and since when? BTW, obviously an environment where people eat like pigs is not healthy for a diabetic child. she needs a strict diet. I had diabetes during pregnancy and should check myself again. I had to eat as if I were a fashion model.
Author New_Wife Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 RP, I've been away for a bit, working with this thing. Why does he have her in the first place - well when we divorced 11 years ago, I was 20 and all alone. His parents bankrolled his attorney. I could say more, but that's basically the long and short of it. I tried very hard to be nice, but he was having none of it. He said, and I quote: "They're mine and you can't have them." "I am the Ultimate Authority" and "I don't care what they want, they stay with me." So we're going to court. yippee. Maybe when we're done, I can gauge my eyes out with toothpicks for an encore.
brashgal Posted September 3, 2005 Posted September 3, 2005 Sounds like it is going to get ugly but you can't lose sight of your daughter's welfare. Your daughter also should be encouraged to start watching out for her own health, eat more healthily - maybe it will have some affect on your ex (or maybe he'll be more willing to let her go once he sees that she is serious about her new lifestyle). Good luck - I'm pulling for you!
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