Jump to content

how to overcome the shame from post-break up behaviour?


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I was dating a guy for 2 weeks and we hit it off really hard and fast and I developed feelings for him a lot faster than I normally would but found a number of red flags (please see my previous post).

 

Not only that, at the start he told me he was seeking a relationship, that he wanted to get involved with me and when we were together he treated me like I was his girlfriend. We even agreed on being exclusive, but then after this he said that he 'doesn't know what he wants from me yet' and he 'doesn't know if he actually wants a relationship' and that 'this is not a priority' for him. He also joked that since we started dating he has had all these girls message him on tinder and that they are 'sexy' but he's not pursuing them.I felt anxious about my position and place and worried that if I were to invest myself further, I would get hurt so I decided to call it off with him and we agreed that sometime in the future we would stay friends as we both did have a great bond.

 

Two days after, I had a friend convince me that I made the wrong decision because 2 weeks is not enough time for him to know what he wants and that I called it off too soon and that the red flags were resolvable. I got in touch with him saying that I feel I may have ended it prematurely and if he was still willing, we could try again. He read the message that morning and didn't respond until about 12 midnight apologising for the delay saying he had a hectic day at work and needed to take time to look at himself before he writes me a proper response.

 

I was quite concerned because a number of people told me that contrary to my friend, he should not have made the comment about his uncertainty after the level of emotional intimacy he fostered with me so I felt conflicted and responded by saying 'don't worry you don't have to, it might not be such a good idea anyway' which he read but didn't respond to. I am very regretful for sending this message which would have come off as quite passive aggressive.

 

He was on Facebook messenger the whole day after and I was quite hurt as I was feeling ignored and I regrettably sent him an angry message stating that I felt he used me because he was lonely, wanting the companionship of a woman and that he took me for a ride, that i didn't want to know him anymore and I then impulsively removed him as a friend on Facebook. He read this and also ignored it.

 

I felt (and still do feel) so ashamed for writing this message to him and later on that night I sent him 1 last message to apologise profusely for my hostile message and told him that I didn't think he meant any hurt and things just got a bit messy and I wished him the very best. He has read this message and has ignored it for the last 3 days and everyone thinks I wont end up ever hearing back from him in response to that.

 

 

I am so so ashamed of myself for my post break up behaviour and very concerned that he will look back on me and shudder after I acted this way. I don't feel these behaviours are representative of me and I have always been quite controlled and dignified after breakups but something with this guy took a hold of me.

 

Has anyone done any of this before and how did you manage to forgive yourself?

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

It sounds like he led you on a bit, but you got too invested too quickly. Two weeks is way too quick to become boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

All you can do is learn from your mistakes. Next time, please set boundaries of if there are a bunch of reg flags, do not give him girlfriend benefits. Try getting to know a person slowly. :)

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 6
Posted

Lot's of people do dumb things in the heat of passion or when they are drunk. It's part of being human.

 

This is some guy you have known for what, less than a month? In the grand scheme of your life, he's barely a blip. Forgive yourself & move on.

  • Like 8
Posted

Move on. It fades with time

  • Like 2
Posted

Take this as a learning experience about how to better manage your emotions next time. Don't be too hard on yourself, though; it sounds like he got what he wanted and then blew you off.

 

Also, slow way down in the future. Two weeks is too soon to be declaring exclusivity, simply because you barely know the person and that sets the expectations very high. Like buying a house without checking the foundation and having an inspection done. Even if the guy is the one speeding things along, pump the brakes until you get to know him.

  • Like 3
Posted

I've done this. Perhaps I should be ashamed of it, but I'm not. You spoke your feelings, and what you said to him is not nearly as thoughtless as the way he treated you.

 

Yes, two weeks is not enough time to know, in most cases, whether you want a relationship. However, that's not really what he was communicating. He was waffling back and forth. He told you that you were not a priority (he doesn't need to say that because it's cruel: he should figure out his priorities on his own and then make his decision accordingly.) He developed an intimacy with you, told you he wanted a relationship, and then said he didn't know what he wanted from you. This guy is extremely selfish. If he wants a relationship, he should pursue one. If he wants casual sex, he should make that clear. If he is trying to decide whether the two fo you are compatible, then he should continue to see you and treat you honestly but kindly while things grow and develop (or fail to do so). Right now, he's trying to manipulate his way into having his cake and eating it too.

 

I would, with no remorse or regret, have written something much worse than what you wrote. Block him. Something (namely, his indecisiveness) tells me that he will come back, and he will only bring you more pain.

  • Like 3
Posted

OP I've just read a few of your past threads and one thing that sticks out is that you seem to be a bit insecure about yourself, always questioning your own decisions and trying to get validation from guys.

 

You should think of yourself as the PRIZE, a QUEEN.

 

Focus on yourself and be happy with yourself. I am sure you are amazing in your own way and one day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you. And they will be the lucky ones to have you in their life!

 

As for your question, yes you messaged this guy too much going back and forth trying to make it work then ending it etc. But thats FINE. No need to feel ashamed. You just learn from this for next time.

  • Like 3
Posted

Learn from this. Just don't do it again...

  • Like 1
Posted

I went through something similar around the holidays.

 

My ex dumped me in mid-september and I started dating again. I met a guy online who was nice and I gave it a chance and started to spend more time with him. I genuinely wanted to give it a go and see what it was like to be with him.

 

It all moved SO fast and in a couple weeks he basically considered me his girlfriend. We removed our online profiles and went totally exclusive. In my mind I was hesitant but I just went a long with it.

 

In short, about after a month of seeing him I realized...I didn't like him I as much as I thought and I truly wasn't ready for another relationship... I surely didn't want a relationship with him. So I had to end it, it was sudden, but I didn't see how fair it would be to string him along when in my heart I wasn't feeling it.

 

It was my fault for not saying what was on my mind when we had the "exclusive" conversation, but I wanted SO badly to move on and be with him, but as time went on I realized it wasn't what I wanted.

 

He told me he was hurt, but admitted he got a little carried away. We smoothed it over and it ended on a good note. At least I know I was honest and didn't string him along. He's a nice person, but just not for me. Especially right now.

 

Sometimes we just get carried away. We live and learn.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

Hi annalilian26,

 

I would imagine that, most people have had a very similar experience. I know I most certainly have and I can tell you, it has happened to me more than once.

 

Shame is a very powerful, painful and disempowering emotion and we are our worst critique.

 

There is nothing you did to be ashamed of, that isn't the problem (and I think you know that).

 

There is something that happened during this relationship that has triggered some very painful emotions for you.

 

It probably comes from a past relationship (family, friends, past boyfriends, etc.) where someone "shamed" you.

 

What did you really do here. You got upset, lost some self control and said something you wished you hadn't.

 

In other words, you made a mistake. If this guy judges you so what? He'll never judge you as harshly as we tend to judge ourselves.

 

How do you forgive yourself?

 

This is where spiritual and personal development work comes in.

 

I can usually forgive myself of ANYTHING I've done...IF...

 

I do the work.

 

The work is finding out what is causing my pain, facing it (harder than it sounds) and letting it come up and through me until it's cleared.

 

In other words I cry a lot. :p

 

I release the old pain and very little seems to trigger me now. I rarely (I wish I could say never) respond out of anger, fear or pain.

 

If I get triggered, I recognize it for what it is (most of the time), an opportunity to clear some pain that is not serving me.

 

Do some spiritual or personal development workshops, get some books, clear your pain and you will learn to love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

 

Sending you much love and light

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 5
Posted

You will likely not hear back as your last message ended with best wishes. Best to wash your hands of it by accepting it just didn't work out and time to move on. Nothing to be ashamed of, you only expressed your feelings. But his indifference about you says it was probably not going the best direction anyway. When things crash and burn that quickly, it can't usually be reversed. You are not to blame because he was the indecisive one. Nothing you say post break could change that. Let it go free...

  • Like 1
Posted

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

 

Water under the bridge at this point. This guy isn't worth your time and emotion.

 

My only suggestion is to write everything down on an email addressed to no one. Do not send. Sleep on it. Sit on it. Just don't send. You can say everything you want...do not send.

 

You instructed readers to see your previous post. I'm not going to go seeking out your posting history. You need to include the whole story or at the very least, provide a link.

 

It sounds like there's way too much drama and turmoil coming from a two-WEEK relationship.

 

This relationship isn't working. Cut him loose. In the future, madly type away in a way that can't be sent. If you sleep on it first, if you separate yourself from the high emotions first, and still think it's worth sending, send away. Don't send anything in the heat of emotion or inebriation.

  • Like 1
Posted

I just want to add a couple more things.

 

Right or wrong, your Facebook message did not end this relationship. He was behaving in a problematic matter. If he really cared for you, he'd ask you not to address him angrily like that again, but he'd move past it because, honestly, it's not that big of a deal.

 

Second, this guy's waffling is playing with your emotions. I know how this feels (it's a desperate hurt!). When he withdraws, it hurts, but when he does something affectionate, you well up with warmth, happiness, and hope. Whether he's doing this consciously or subconsciously, it's a psychological method of keeping you in his orbit. You stay around because, this time, you might get the side of him that pleases you.

 

You seem like such a nice person. It will be hard to cut him off: I've been dating for almost twenty years (with a brief pause for a marriage), and I still find this difficult. The better you get at standing up for yourself, the better you will be treated. You are strong: you can do this!

  • Like 5
Posted

She'stheone and Lamartine,

 

Those were beautiful and powerful posts you made.

 

I know they helped ME immensely, and this isn't even my thread. :)

 

Thank you.

  • Like 5
Posted

Remember: his waffling and detachment led you to react like this. It's easy to somehow think that if you didn't act like this, he would be back and how it's all your fault.

 

Dude was already out, your actions didn't cause the outcome.

 

And yeah, if someone is disrespecting you and stiringing you along, they should get blasted.

  • Like 3
Posted

You are not the problem. A good guy does not say the things he said to you,unless he is insensitive and egotistical. He sounds like he has narcissistic traits.

 

Ugh. I hate guys like that

  • Like 2
Posted

We all done "stupid" things out of hurt and anger so don't beat yourself up.

 

Heck, I wrote an email to my ex detailing 20 things I hated about him and that ended our 10 years relationship overnight. I carried that guilt and shame for a whole year!

 

Your "shame" is actually more of a fear. You care about what he thinks of you and your behavior because you want to remain friends with him and worry that this will push him away for good.

 

Does having him in your life make you happy or you just want a chance to redeem yourself to make you feel better?

 

Do you even care to be friends with him right now after everything? Take a step back. You have tunnel vision and are focus on the wrong thing/problem.

 

Instead, I challenge you to start focusing on how you perceive yourself. Is his perception of you more important than how you view yourself? If so, you're going have a hard time going through life. Your happiness and self worth should come from within you, not what other people think or say about you. Otherwise you will never be happy because you can't please everyone or expect yourself to never make any mistake. One mantra that really helped me is: "What he thinks of me is none of my business."

 

Even if you feel shameful about acting out of hurt and anger, remember, shame is something you put on yourself. Therefore, you can take it off anytime. Forgive yourself and next time trust your instinct instead of taking advice from your friends. Learn to trust yourself and stand with your decision (even if it makes you look foolish). Your friend doesn't live your life or suffer its consequences. You do!

 

So, what kind of life do you want to live? One of shame or freedom?

  • Like 4
Posted

Lol oddly i just posted something similar

 

Oh boy that’s nothing I was worse.

I once sent a string of 100 messages saying how much he’s broken me etc.

 

This is nothing compared to me. So cringe. But emotions take over and we can’t help it sometimes I gusss.

  • Like 1
Posted

annalilian26,

Please stop beating yourself up over this.

 

This is one guy who you knew for a couple of weeks, who you'll never see again so who gives a rat's backside what he thinks of you?

 

You told him what you thought, which you are entitled to do. What he does with that information is his problem.

 

I once dated a guy for about 9 months and we were serious and had big plans. All of a sudden he decided that he was still in love with his ex-wife and wanted to go back to her. :eek:

 

I told him to get the heck out of my life.

 

Then I sent him through the post one of those My Little Pony figures ( I got it from a Charity/Thrift shop) with a note saying "Next time you want to take a woman for a ride maybe you can use this you *******"."

 

It made me feel good at the time but afterwards I realised it was undignified and childish and felt embarassed.

Then I told myself, "Why do I care about what he thinks? he's not in my life any more".

 

I learned from that not to expend emotional energy/give headspace to people that just aren't worth it.

 

Move on and forget this guy x

  • Like 3
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted
We all done "stupid" things out of hurt and anger so don't beat yourself up.

 

Heck, I wrote an email to my ex detailing 20 things I hated about him and that ended our 10 years relationship overnight. I carried that guilt and shame for a whole year!

 

Your "shame" is actually more of a fear. You care about what he thinks of you and your behavior because you want to remain friends with him and worry that this will push him away for good.

 

Does having him in your life make you happy or you just want a chance to redeem yourself to make you feel better?

 

Do you even care to be friends with him right now after everything? Take a step back. You have tunnel vision and are focus on the wrong thing/problem.

 

Instead, I challenge you to start focusing on how you perceive yourself. Is his perception of you more important than how you view yourself? If so, you're going have a hard time going through life. Your happiness and self worth should come from within you, not what other people think or say about you. Otherwise you will never be happy because you can't please everyone or expect yourself to never make any mistake. One mantra that really helped me is: "What he thinks of me is none of my business."

 

Even if you feel shameful about acting out of hurt and anger, remember, shame is something you put on yourself. Therefore, you can take it off anytime. Forgive yourself and next time trust your instinct instead of taking advice from your friends. Learn to trust yourself and stand with your decision (even if it makes you look foolish). Your friend doesn't live your life or suffer its consequences. You do!

 

So, what kind of life do you want to live? One of shame or freedom?

 

 

Thank you for your support. I think this situation has perhaps revealed a need for me to work on myself and building my self esteem before I put myself out there again. Unfortunately dating has really eroded my confidence!

  • Author
Posted
Lol oddly i just posted something similar

 

Oh boy that’s nothing I was worse.

I once sent a string of 100 messages saying how much he’s broken me etc.

 

This is nothing compared to me. So cringe. But emotions take over and we can’t help it sometimes I gusss.

 

Hi, unfortunately after I posted this I stupidly wrote more replies talking about the hurt and trying to see if he still wanted to be in my life as he had responded saying he finally gave me a little crumb writing 'still want to be friends...just need time...'. Eventually after I responded to that and told me that all these messages have done was prove to him why it wouldn't work for him :(

 

Thank's for your support!

  • Author
Posted
I've done this. Perhaps I should be ashamed of it, but I'm not. You spoke your feelings, and what you said to him is not nearly as thoughtless as the way he treated you.

 

Yes, two weeks is not enough time to know, in most cases, whether you want a relationship. However, that's not really what he was communicating. He was waffling back and forth. He told you that you were not a priority (he doesn't need to say that because it's cruel: he should figure out his priorities on his own and then make his decision accordingly.) He developed an intimacy with you, told you he wanted a relationship, and then said he didn't know what he wanted from you. This guy is extremely selfish. If he wants a relationship, he should pursue one. If he wants casual sex, he should make that clear. If he is trying to decide whether the two fo you are compatible, then he should continue to see you and treat you honestly but kindly while things grow and develop (or fail to do so). Right now, he's trying to manipulate his way into having his cake and eating it too.

 

I would, with no remorse or regret, have written something much worse than what you wrote. Block him. Something (namely, his indecisiveness) tells me that he will come back, and he will only bring you more pain.

 

 

Thank you for your kind words, this really helps.

 

Just FYI, he responded and said the messages only confirmed 'why it wouldnt have worked for him'

  • Author
Posted
OP I've just read a few of your past threads and one thing that sticks out is that you seem to be a bit insecure about yourself, always questioning your own decisions and trying to get validation from guys.

 

You should think of yourself as the PRIZE, a QUEEN.

 

Focus on yourself and be happy with yourself. I am sure you are amazing in your own way and one day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you. And they will be the lucky ones to have you in their life!

 

As for your question, yes you messaged this guy too much going back and forth trying to make it work then ending it etc. But thats FINE. No need to feel ashamed. You just learn from this for next time.

 

You are right, I do need to work on this. I really appreciate your encouragement and kind words!

  • Author
Posted
I just want to add a couple more things.

 

Right or wrong, your Facebook message did not end this relationship. He was behaving in a problematic matter. If he really cared for you, he'd ask you not to address him angrily like that again, but he'd move past it because, honestly, it's not that big of a deal.

 

Second, this guy's waffling is playing with your emotions. I know how this feels (it's a desperate hurt!). When he withdraws, it hurts, but when he does something affectionate, you well up with warmth, happiness, and hope. Whether he's doing this consciously or subconsciously, it's a psychological method of keeping you in his orbit. You stay around because, this time, you might get the side of him that pleases you.

 

You seem like such a nice person. It will be hard to cut him off: I've been dating for almost twenty years (with a brief pause for a marriage), and I still find this difficult. The better you get at standing up for yourself, the better you will be treated. You are strong: you can do this!

 

 

Thanks so much once again for your advice. I have only been dating 3 years after my first 7 year relationship (from 17-24) and it certainly has shattered my self-esteem, I only hope to get better and sure appreciate the wisdom shared here.

 

I think I will take a break from dating to start feeling better about myself and approach it in a more head strong manner for next time.

  • Author
Posted
Remember: his waffling and detachment led you to react like this. It's easy to somehow think that if you didn't act like this, he would be back and how it's all your fault.

 

Dude was already out, your actions didn't cause the outcome.

 

And yeah, if someone is disrespecting you and stiringing you along, they should get blasted.

 

Thank you for your support!

×
×
  • Create New...