Dumped and hurting but focused on moving on...

[SevenCity]

I understand that everyone deals with conflict differently and that ex was my first bf so I didn't understand the concept of man cave at the time and ran after him. I was impatience and couldn't deal with not knowing what's going on and he was bad at communicating it to me. Now I know better. I just tell him, "Take all the time you need. I'll be here if you need me or want to talk." Then I get busy doing my thing.

 

I think regardless of whether you're an man or woman, whenever your partner retreat or shut down in any way it's viewed as a threat to the relationship and the other person takes it personally. So it's important to reassure each other that you need space and will be back (or call them back) and keep the promise! It's also nice to let them know if your upset has anything to do with them or not so they won't overthink things while you're gone.

 

I agree that it's wise to step away to gather yourself when emotions run high. This is not a bearing of weakness and I never intend to call out any guy for doing so. It's not communicating with your partner and just take off that's the problem. It's a respect thing IMO.

 

Hopefully you get to date more emotionally mature ladies in the future.

 

Agreed 100%.

 

I didn't mean to say what he did is right or all men act this way, just advice for future that a lot of men fall into this pattern.

 

People are best served to realize the way you deal with an issue isn't the way your partner will - and that doesn't make it wrong.

 

My "retreating" was due to growing up in a household full of anger and screaming (mostly prompted by my father). I vowed never to lose my temper at a woman (or in general) once I grew up enough to realize it doesn't lead to anything good. I did it because of how hurtful my childhood was and did not want to subject someone I loved to that.

 

Not knowing this, many women can (and have) perceived it as not caring when the opposite was in fact true.

 

Communication is key to any relationship. If someone is incapable of it, the relationship is doomed to failure.

 

And here here to dating more emotionally mature women!

[bluecastle]

Whoa! Its the same situation but the sexes being reversed. The thought just blew my mind. I appreciate you sharing your story, it helps me not feel alone. The fixer complex and relinquishing control. Good Lord thats huge! I didn't realize it until you said it but you're right, it was kind of my way of having control. By fixing things. I have a therapist as well and I have learned so much and have aspired to be very emotionally healthy so I do the work. Work through any issues old or new that I have. It has really helped me to evolve. I am writing that one down though to discuss with her. Me being the fixer was me subconsciously trying to control the situation.

 

Its hard to relinquish control or just allow things to happen when you're a control freak. I am aware though and working on it. I have even more awareness now thanks to you sharing your story and thoughts.

 

Ah, the fixer complex.

 

I'd never have imagined I'd be someone who had it, since when I was younger (I'm 38) I was the prototype of the confrontation-averse male. But at some point that changed, and while I spent a number of years (and two relationships) telling myself this is because I'd grown and matured—and, in ways, I have—recently I've had to own that being a fixer isn't so noble.

 

It's easy, after all, to pour energy into a more obviously broken bird (unambitious man, unambitious woman; in my case, a partner with a heaping dose of mental instability) as a way of suppressing what's broken in you, what little cracks you need to have accepted and soothed from time to time. But to have those exposed we have to give up control, which is ultimately freeing.

 

It sounds like your ex, like mine, felt he lacked control in the relationship. And maybe he did, since you were the doer, the fixer. So he found control by disengaging, by being the one to end things time and again. Which is immature and not what you deserve. I had the same thing—with infidelity involved (fun!). It was, and remains, very humbling. On a subconscious level I was probably drawn into a relationship where I thought I'd have more control; in the end, I realized I had none, and I'm hoping the pain of that will guide me toward a different approach down the line.

[vickyp]

You are not highjacking at all! I appreciate the feedback and comments.

 

To be clear, you were asking that me being the fixer is being the manipulator/person who isn't mature enough for tough times? I just want to understand clearly before I respond.

 

No. I'm asking if the other person who walks away after several fights is being the manipulator-person not mature. And the fixer is falling for it.

Edited January 21, 2018 by vickyp

[qtntran]

 

My "retreating" was due to growing up in a household full of anger and screaming (mostly prompted by my father). I vowed never to lose my temper at a woman (or in general) once I grew up enough to realize it doesn't lead to anything good. I did it because of how hurtful my childhood was and did not want to subject someone I loved to that.

 

Not knowing this, many women can (and have) perceived it as not caring when the opposite was in fact true.

 

And here here to dating more emotionally mature women!

 

Thank you for sharing your history SevenCity. I'm glad you didn't take after your father.

 

Btw, how can you spot an emotionally mature women?

[CaliBabe]

No. I'm asking if the other person who walks away after several fights is being the manipulator-person not mature. And the fixer is falling for it.

 

 

Girl yes! Now that you bring it up it is totally a form of manipulation.

[bluecastle]

No. I'm asking if the other person who walks away after several fights is being the manipulator-person not mature. And the fixer is falling for it.

 

Yes, this is classic emotional manipulation that often takes on the form of gas lighting. And it's the worst kind because the manipulator is doing it sub-consciously and it plays right into the fixer's instincts.

 

I lived this cycle for years, especially the last months of my relationship. My ex had serious self-esteem and self-worth issues, and would often lash out at me when she was feeling down about anything: the job she hated, the sense that she had little to offer the world. I'd always go into apology/soothing/fix-it mode, when deep down I was really hurt by her behavior but could never have that hurt acknowledged. When I learned that she'd been cheating on me AND making me feel like the bad partner—man, that was a head trip, and an experience I'm still extracting a lot of lessons from as I heal.

 

The big one being that the instinct to fix is also fueled my self-esteem/self-worth issues.

 

Like, on one level I'm a genuinely confident guy. I've got a good career, some money, a home, a lust for life, and so on. But buried in there is the wounded child whose father left him at age four and doesn't believe he's worthy of genuine love and affection. So rather than seek and connect to people who who are emotionally stable, I tend to gravitate to those who are severely wounded. I'm good at tending to their wounds—and my success in life is a nice place for them to take residence in—but this creates a dynamic where I suppress my own pain and needs and put theirs front and center.

 

In other words, I'm primed for being manipulated if I'm not careful because my natural instinct is to absorb someone else's discomfort without allowing mine to come out.

 

Or something like that.

[vickyp]

Yes, this is classic emotional manipulation that often takes on the form of gas lighting. And it's the worst kind because the manipulator is doing it sub-consciously and it plays right into the fixer's instincts.

 

I lived this cycle for years, especially the last months of my relationship. My ex had serious self-esteem and self-worth issues, and would often lash out at me when she was feeling down about anything: the job she hated, the sense that she had little to offer the world. I'd always go into apology/soothing/fix-it mode, when deep down I was really hurt by her behavior but could never have that hurt acknowledged. When I learned that she'd been cheating on me AND making me feel like the bad partnerman, that was a head trip, and an experience I'm still extracting a lot of lessons from as I heal.

 

The big one being that the instinct to fix is also fueled my self-esteem/self-worth issues.

 

Like, on one level I'm a genuinely confident guy. I've got a good career, some money, a home, a lust for life, and so on. But buried in there is the wounded child whose father left him at age four and doesn't believe he's worthy of genuine love and affection. So rather than seek and connect to people who who are emotionally stable, I tend to gravitate to those who are severely wounded. I'm good at tending to their wounds—and my success in life is a nice place for them to take residence in—but this creates a dynamic where I suppress my own pain and needs and put theirs front and center.

 

In other words, I'm primed for being manipulated if I'm not careful because my natural instinct is to absorb someone else's discomfort without allowing mine to come out.

 

Or something like that.

 

my ex did this to me, and it screwed with my head. its been 8 mths now. So i guess this is where my question came from. My follow up question is, how do you know if someone is emotionally stable?

[bluecastle]

my ex did this to me, and it screwed with my head. its been 8 mths now. So i guess this is where my question came from. My follow up question is, how do you know if someone is emotionally stable?

 

I don't think there's a clear and crisp guide to that, but our gut tends to be a good compass when it comes to spotting red flags. The question is whether we listen to it or not.

[CaliBabe]

my ex did this to me, and it screwed with my head. its been 8 mths now. So i guess this is where my question came from. My follow up question is, how do you know if someone is emotionally stable?

 

That is a great question. To me, it is someone who has worked through their issues or in process. Someone who is aware. Someone willing to put in the work to make the relationship work. And to me, very important, someone who is accountable.

[FilterCoffee]

That is a great question. To me, it is someone who has worked through their issues or in process. Someone who is aware. Someone willing to put in the work to make the relationship work. And to me, very important, someone who is accountable.

 

Nice. I would add, someone who doesn’t get too worked up or too excited. Who’s calm, composed and carries themself with poise.

[bluecastle]

That is a great question. To me, it is someone who has worked through their issues or in process. Someone who is aware. Someone willing to put in the work to make the relationship work. And to me, very important, someone who is accountable.

 

Accountable! YES!

[vickyp]

That is a great question. To me, it is someone who has worked through their issues or in process. Someone who is aware. Someone willing to put in the work to make the relationship work. And to me, very important, someone who is accountable.

 

Thank you for the feed back.