brewgirl25 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Help! I have an irrational jealousy of my boyfriend's exes. I say irrational because they are not a part of his life anymore. The most recent still calls occasionally, but he doesn't return her calls. Last night he showed me pictures of one of the exes that he would have married except religious/cultural differences kept them from taking that step. He has dated so many women and seems to have been in love several times. Where as I have had only 2 men that I think I might have been in love with - however what I feel for him far surpasses what I felt for either of them. Sometimes the fact that he has so many exes makes it hard for me to feel special, like I'm just the next girl on the list. He tells me that he loves me, and that I am the woman of his dreams - but didn't he think that about all those other women too? I have never been this insecure before. My last boyfriend left me to go back to his ex. I was never jeaous of his exes and I was totally blindsided by it. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble dealing with all the ex-girlfriends. Any advice?
she_9325 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 "Help! I have an irrational jealousy of my boyfriend's exes. I say irrational because they are not a part of his life anymore. " you and me both! weird. i thought i was alone on that. i don't know what causes it either though. i'd like to know other people's thoughts. for me, i like knowing weird details that i shouldn't care or want to know about. how about you?
Author brewgirl25 Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 I am glad to know that I am not the only one...and yes! I too want to know weird details that I shouldn't know or care about. My b/f even responds to my questions sometimes with "are you sure you want me to answer that?" and of course I always say yes - and then sometimes afterward I think "I didn't NEED to know that ." Why do we do these things to ourselves???
she_9325 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 "My b/f even responds to my questions sometimes with "are you sure you want me to answer that?" " haha omg, YES! you are my soul sister lol! i don't know why i torture myself that way. you mention having been left for your last bf's ex. i've always been left for someone else. maybe that is our common thread? i also have an insatiable urge to know everything. for me, the unknown is more intimidating than knowing and just sorting it out in my head and then dropping it. but i do tend to dwell as well. so it's a vicious circle i guess? i wish there was a way i could talk to you more about this than in the thread, lol... some details are too embarrassing for me!
Author brewgirl25 Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 Maybe it is the "being left for someone else" thing. Perhaps we feel the need to ask all those questions so that we can get a feel for the ones who came before us and hope that we are better than them so that we will feel reassured that our b/fs won't leave us too??? I too would rather know and sort it out, because I will make the unknown worse than anything he could tell me, at least that's what I tell myself when I ask him questions! lol Recently I asked him about the last person he slept with before me...why does it matter???? He didn't even know me then! I have to get over this, I mean we all have pasts - if he didn't, he probably wouldn't be someone that I would want to date because he would be boring! Maybe it just takes time to get to a more secure place. We have only known each other 4 months, and exclusive for almost 3. How about you?
JosiePosie Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I am in the same dilemma as well. From my relationship history, I have been left for an ex, or they found someone new but did not tell me. Those experiences have hurt alot and my trust in others has lessened. I get jealous over my current bf's ex because they lived together for four years and share a five year old son. For as far back as I can remember, that was something I wanted myself. My own family, someone to come home to, etc etc. And I get jealous over the fact that he has already been through that experience before me. Irrational I know. He has told me repeatedly that he would never go back to her. Their relationship was a turbulent one. His ex is not the most agreeable person. Even my bf's family do not like her. But they sure love me. So I admit that my jealous and insecurity have to do with my hurtful relationship experiences. I am always scared that something is happening behind my back. I feel bad for bringing that emotional garbage into our lives. I am still trying to figure out how to cope with it. So I am glad to see that I am not the only one who is currently going through this.
she_9325 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 brewgirl everything you are saying sounds exactly like what i'm going through. but you're right too, that we have pasts as well. and also, when i think about it rationally (hehe) i am glad as well, that my bf has been with who he's been with. because that way i do feel he doesn't want for anything (as in another woman besides me now). if this one leaves me for someone else i've just come to that place in my mind that ok, fine, he's a loser and i'll be on my way. the rational part of me realizes hey, he's with me for a reason and i'm sure that's your situ too. and if he answers your questions that is good. firstly he feels he can talk to you and secondly he wants you to feel better. if he put up a fight answering that probably wouldn't be as good. but even my man put up a fight at one time but simply because he couldn't see how the information could possibly benefit me. i said, i don't know....... then i got to really thinking about it and that's when i realized that any phobia i've ever had - the fear has been extinguished because i dove in and learned everything about the subject which allowed me to sort it out in my mind and get rid of it. so i explained it to him like that. anyway, we've been together a year, and i hardly ask anything anymore ever. i think it just takes time. but yeah, i would ask him about sex w/her too. not just that but that as well. i think after a while i just kept telling myself it didn't matter cause she was gone and i am here, and here longer than she ever was.......
she_9325 Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 miss josie: "I get jealous over my current bf's ex because they lived together for four years and share a five year old son. For as far back as I can remember, that was something I wanted myself. My own family, someone to come home to, etc etc. And I get jealous over the fact that he has already been through that experience before me. Irrational I know." it's not irrational..... it's just human. he has a connection w/her (child) but he is there w/you :-)
Author brewgirl25 Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 Thanks so much! I am feeling much better already, just knowing that I am not the only one who has had these feelings. I'm sure they will go away with time, as we gain more experiences together and i don't feel jealous of the experiences he had with other women!
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