RecentChange Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 I simultaneously do and do not understand why so many people here are so against dating separated men. I literally got a date the very day I decided to go out and get a date. And as a married man who was just cheated on.... you were emotionally stable during this time? The divorce was a walk in the park? You weren't rebounding and looking for validation - rather pretty happy and complete in your life, and ready to embark on a new relationship? Or was dating a nice distraction? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 ^ Sounds like you see dating more as light entertainment. That's never been my disposition, so it's obvious that avoiding separated/married guys is the right decision for me. The vast majority of separated men who've messaged me on dating sites lie on their profile, saying they're divorced or single. Only upon further questioning do they reveal the truth. Sounds like it was the same with the guy the OP is talking to. Obviously they understand that most women don't wanna get anywhere near that. 4
carhill Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things. It's a first meeting, not a marriage proposal. One clue to watch is whether or not the guy focuses on the interaction or if he strays. He's told you clearly he's still married but separated and apparently domiciled separately from his spouse and has a child. Cool. Go with that. The truth will either support or refute that. Tip: If he's attractive, you can bet other women will have no problem dating him, married or not. If he's the marrying kind, more than likely one of them will be his future wife. Men tend not to stay single for long, if at all, especially if they got married young and have been married most of their life. However, if this guy is 45 and only got married for the first time at 41 (4 years ago), he could be an anomaly. I remember back when we were separated I asked the opinions here on disclosure of that and was advised to disclose and also, like in this thread, got the opinion that few would date a separated man. I did date, the women were fine with it, I changed my mind later on without any relationships or sex occurring and have been single since. OTOH, my exW had a new guy living with her before we were divorced and he's still there nearly a decade later. Exceptions? IDK. Try to see each interaction as unique and leave expectations at home. Go with the flow. You appear to date a lot and have many stories on the forum and sound experienced. IMO, you'll know right away if he's a go or no go. Trust that. Good luck! 1
5x5 Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 And as a married man who was just cheated on.... you were emotionally stable during this time? The divorce was a walk in the park? You weren't rebounding and looking for validation - rather pretty happy and complete in your life, and ready to embark on a new relationship? Or was dating a nice distraction? I can't speak for enigma32, yet for me I was emotionally stable and over my ex-wife!s infidelity. Although I was initially upset upon her confession of betrayal, she forfeited her opportunity to be with me so I got over it quickly and moved on. And yes my divorce was a walk in the park, ending that relationship was a tremendous relief. That said I did get some valuable personal take aways from my first marriage. Which were, Don't marry someone just because you got them pregnant. Don't marry someone with a diagnosed mental illness and try to avoid dating people with a diagnosed mental illness. You can't save sexual partners from themselves and it is a fools errand to think you can fill their chasms. Whenever I have ended a sexual relationship, I get over it quickly and move on easily. Just as I also get over it quickly whenever I have been dumped. If a relationship is over it's simply time to move on, because tilting at windmills really is a waste of time. At the end of the day life is short so I didn't and don't see much point in wallowing in misery to no end. When bad things happen it helps to dust oneself off, get over it quickly and get on with life. As to this idea that one needs validation from others, I find happiness comes from within. For me happiness just seems to be there, so I don't seek relationships with others for validation, or for them to be my crutch, or to fill some void. If someone is having sex or seeking a sexual relationship for validation, they're doing it for the wrong reasons. Some separated people are a mess, and some others are completely fine. Which is also true for those who are single, married and divorced. As a postscript having been with plenty of women and now being happily married for close to 19 years with my splendid and wanton sexual partner of 21+ years. I have found out that great sexual relationships are very easy to have. While awful sexual relationships are the ones that require hard work to maintain. 1
5x5 Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 So what your saying is that separated men often times just look for women they can use for sex to numb their pain while they are divorcing? Good reason to stay away from them. No I am not saying that at all. I had no pain to numb and felt the dissolution of my then marriage was a good thing. In fact it was quite a relief. At the end of the day my divorce was easy as was my separation. Which was unavoidable, since we were required to be separated for 12 months before we could divorce. As to looking I didn't really look for anything during my separation. Although I did express an interest in two women on only one occasion at the same party, one of whom I shared sex with. While all of the other women during my separation that I shared sex with, pursued me and offered it despite me being upfront about my situation from the beginning. I don't know how you conduct yourself, yet for me the sex I have is informed, consensual and shared.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 19, 2018 Author Posted January 19, 2018 I am going to let it stand and not pursue things any further with him. It's ookie to say the least and I think it's best to move on rather than get into any ... Situations. 3
alphamale Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 I am going to let it stand and not pursue things any further with him. It's ookie to say the least and I think it's best to move on rather than get into any ... Situations. good call mortensorchid 1
carhill Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 ^^^ That happened to me a lot in my single days and a few times after getting divorced. Meet a lady, move slow, verify marital status, note no divorce yet, then without warning poof, gone to another guy who doesn't waste time with that stuff. Guys who don't care about that stuff, successful men, they don't care about such boundaries rather taking what they want. It's not illegal so they do it. Women in my demographic like successful men who know what they want and go after it. If the OP lives in a demographic where men are in demand such issues could pose a problem, in reverse to what I experienced. Women not concerned with his marital status, rather his attractiveness and suitability as a mate, go for it without care nor apology. Mating can be war in that way. I know it's nice to talk the moral, ethical and healthy path but it's a big world out there and people don't always act like they talk. Harsh lesson long ago. 1
Jj66 Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 In my state you have to be separated and living in separate houses, for a year before you can file for divorce. The divorce is just a rubber stamp. The important part is the separation agreement. Or court order if no agreement could br reached. Before I would consider dating a separated woman I would want to see her living on her own for 6 months or more and already have a notarized separation agreement. I would not want to be taken for an emotional ride while she is trying to work out the details in a potentially high conflict situation. Having the separation agreement shows that she is actually separated, is fully intent on divorce, and most importantly, was able to negotiate a settlement with her husband without going to court. I don't want a ring side seat to a high conflict court battle. 1
1fish2fish Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 There are rare occasions where being separated, yet not divorced, isn't a concern. I dated my exH while he was still legally married to his ex wife. they had been separated for 10? years or so, but because she had a kid prior to meeting and marrying my exH, whose biological father wasn't in the picture, my exH, being the stand up guy he is, didn't want her son to be without health benefits. So they amicably separated but she and her son were taken care of insurance-wise (she worked but didn't have medical benefits). I met her early on in our dating r'ship and we became good friends. Still are. When her son turned 18, they legally divorced and he and I married. When exH and I decided to separate 10 years later, I was going through a minor medical crisis and didn't want to switch insurance and doctors. So we didn't legally divorce until 18 mths after we separated so I could finish treatment and get my own health insurance. We gave each other our blessing to date others if we found someone who made us happy, which we both did. And we are good friends still because we still like and respect each other. But we are more like siblings. I am not attracted to him sexually in any fashion. I understand this is NOT the norm, but in rare instances, it's not a concern. That being said, I don't think I'd date a separated man with young children, and if I did, I would want to meet and spend time with the soon to be ex-wife to see what the deal was first hand.
NHope Posted January 19, 2018 Posted January 19, 2018 I connected with this man on a dating website. He's 45, has a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Seems to be a good guy, we were able to have conversations about things via texts on the website, then we moved to texting on the phone. We have made a date for Saturday night. All good signs so far. I decided to ask some questions. I asked how long he has been divorced for. He said he isn't, not legally. He's separated, he and his estranged wife have been living apart since September (as it's now January, it's been about 4 months). Knowing nothing else about this situation, is this alright to move forward after so many months apart? I have no idea if they are moving forward legally with things. Well I would be careful. There are many things that could be going on here. He could still be married and just having affairs, or he could be separated but trying to work things out, or the marriage could have ended years ago and they just now separated. I would just ask direct questions and pay attention to any signs or red flags to avoid getting hurt. Whatever the case, which could be other things as well, just protect yourself and your heart. If you feel uncomfortable, it may not be worth pursuing. Just my opinion.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 21, 2018 Author Posted January 21, 2018 SO because I had agreed to it, I decided to meet him last night. I showed up at the restaurant and we talked. He was a good guy, we seemed to have a lot of things in common and he was, dare I say, someone I might be interested in. But having been hurt so many a time or let down or whatnot, I am cautious. I got a few wires crossed here and there, he's 38 not 45 (making him younger than me). He works as a carpenter and travels a lot building presentations (stages for rock concerts, museum displays, etc.) which is impressive. I wasn't going to bring it up, but he is separated from his wife not legally divorced. He said he went to a marathon in which his now estranged wife was competing in, she introduces him to this guy. He sensed something was ... Worth sensing with this guy. Then he went through her phone and found photos of the two of them and that was that. What to make of that? I'm not sure. Except that was that. I don't know enough about him or the situation otherwise to know if to back off. I am in the process of playing the 48 hour waiting game now [if I have not heard from him in 48 hours the trail will go cold, or he'll just be a friend]. What do others think?
Happy Lemming Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 He said he went to a marathon in which his now estranged wife was competing in, she introduces him to this guy. He sensed something was ... Worth sensing with this guy. Then he went through her phone and found photos of the two of them and that was that. Why would he tell you about what was in his wife's phone on a first date?? Doesn't seem like a subject I would bring up on a first date. I mean if someone asked directly about the situation, I think I might defer and say something like "Oh, its a long long story" and then I would try to change the subject and ask about your pets or some other generic subject. I mean its a first date, not a therapy session... What to make of that? I'm not sure. What do others think? My gut tells me, he is still hung up on his wife or he is still bitter. I'm just not a fan of bringing up the wife & phone & pictures, etc. Since you are asking for opinions, I think I might send a text that you had a nice time, but you don't think you are right for him. I wouldn't mention the wife, separation or anything like that. Just my two cents... 2
BaileyB Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 Four months out of a marriage with a woman who cheated on him... that's an awful lot to deal with in a very short period of time. Realistically, this man travels a lot for work, has a young child, and has a lot to resolve with his ex-wife... if you do plan to date him, I would not have any expectations of a long term relationship. It seems to me like this is a rebound relationship... he is not really ready for anything more serious. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I wouldn't get involved with him for all the reasons I enumerated above. But this is your "journey", so it's up to you. Just pay attention to the signs, how you're feeling, and don't get sucked into something that's draining you.
Miss Spider Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 I think better chances of a long term relationship with a separated man over 45 than a never married man over 45. Statisically speaking at least. Men generally move on and get involved pretty quickly after divorces
Author mortensorchid Posted January 21, 2018 Author Posted January 21, 2018 Yes I agree separated men get back into the game very quickly. I think we are all in a rebound type of thinking but unfortunately, the older I get and looking back on other experiences, men have and know they have a certain advantage over women if and when this happens. Hence every man I've ever been with as an adult instantaneously rebounded after dumping me and married the next woman barely a year later. And in typical man rebound fashion, especially when they are the ones who do the dumping, they are almost high thinking "I'm free! I'm free!", and they get back into the game so very quickly. Unfortunately what a lot end up doing is marrying the first woman who comes along, which, double unfortunately, tends to be not just the wrong woman but the REALLY WRONG woman (I will refrain from using the word "trashy" anymore because that's wrong of me to do so based on comments from this forum), and that really wrong woman takes him for a horrible ride. But I digress ... He texted me today saying he is leaving for Michigan and will be gone this entire week, not to return until a week from today. I texted back to have a good trip and be safe. I will wait for him to contact me once he is away. 1
Highndry Posted January 21, 2018 Posted January 21, 2018 Wow, lots and LOTS of generalizations about men here, as if we're not all individuals.
Author mortensorchid Posted January 22, 2018 Author Posted January 22, 2018 Wow, lots and LOTS of generalizations about men here, as if we're not all individuals. Generalizations are facts. We all think we are so unique but we're so not.
carhill Posted January 22, 2018 Posted January 22, 2018 Death is a fact. We die. Dating a man or woman is an experience we perceive. Any discussion on LoveShack likely involves generalizations at some level or another. If we could effectively eliminate all generalizations and especially speculation the web site would cease to exist At the point my exW and I ceased to share a bed and domicile I was long done. She was dead as far as I was concerned, yet we were legally married for another year and a half after filing for divorce. Typical? Apparently not! Hence the generalizations about men. There are generalizations about women and my ex was an exception to that too. Life is like that. We think we have it figured out and then an exception shows up
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