How to handle this?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I have been w/my bf a short while. He has always respected me and me him, I love him and I'm happy he worries about me. I'm not a delusional person who cannot recognize abuse, manipulation, controlling behavior etc. Before I met my bf, I dated a guy who was all of the above and my bf is nothing like that.

 

There is a political group I joined before meeting him, I love talking politics. Honestly I feel like my social life could use a boost. Yes there are guys there (young and old) and women as well. We meet up about 2-3 times a month at a pub, drink, eat and discuss politics. No one goes there to get drunk. There are a few older creeps there, but then again those are everywhere. My bf is always concerned a little jealous. Btw when I go he is working, I never go if I can spend the time w/him. Both of us have had bad relationships. Is he being unreasonable? I have never cheated and neither has he.

[olivetree]

People's feelings are never unreasonable, it's what they do about them.

If he forbids you to go, he is unreasonable.

If he is simply admitting he gets a bit jealous and you talk about it maturely and reassure one another, then all good.

[d0nnivain]

Ask him how you can reassure him that you go to these groups because you enjoy the political discourse? Perhaps shoot him a quick flirty text while you are there so he knows you are thinking about you.

 

 

Personally I think it's healthy & adds spark to a relationship for each partner to have independent interests.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

People's feelings are never unreasonable, it's what they do about them.

If he forbids you to go, he is unreasonable.

If he is simply admitting he gets a bit jealous and you talk about it maturely and reassure one another, then all good.

 

He def doesn't forbid me from going, I wouldn't stand for that. We discuss it and I try to reassure him.

[basil67]

I've been involved in a number of community groups and I would disagree that there are 'older creeps everywhere'. Sure, there are people who are a bit odd or unusual, but not "creeps". Creeps generally have a sexual element too - as in inappropriate talk or mannerisms...and they make those around them feel uncomfortable.

 

With this in mind, I can see what your boyfriend is upset about. Of course he doesn't want you hanging out with a group which includes creepy men.

 

However I'm wondering if you're using the wrong adjective for the guys. Are they just a bit unusual but seem harmless, or do they really make you feel uncomfortable?

[alphamale]

invite your bf to the pub to see what its all about. show him how harmless it is. also, you can start talking politics with your bf...

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I've been involved in a number of community groups and I would disagree that there are 'older creeps everywhere'. Sure, there are people who are a bit odd or unusual, but not "creeps". Creeps generally have a sexual element too - as in inappropriate talk or mannerisms...and they make those around them feel uncomfortable.

 

With this in mind, I can see what your boyfriend is upset about. Of course he doesn't want you hanging out with a group which includes creepy men.

 

However I'm wondering if you're using the wrong adjective for the guys. Are they just a bit unusual but seem harmless, or do they really make you feel uncomfortable?

 

I def do not use that word for all guy I meet, there are a few regular guys who aren't creepy at all. The funny thing is I feel like I attract creeps anywhere and everywhere I go lol.

[Maggie4]

Since you joined before meeting your bf, he knew all along, but he didn't have a problem with it until later? That would bother me, cos I'd wonder how much do I really know him, and what else would surface later that he had suppressed before. I guess it depends on what is "short while"?

[basil67]

I def do not use that word for all guy I meet' date=' there are a few regular guys who aren't creepy at all. The funny thing is I feel like I attract creeps anywhere and everywhere I go lol.[/quote']

 

I'm not suggesting you use the phrase for all men. I'm just wondering why you're meeting so many creeps. Is it possible you're misreading the guys or using the word creep to describe someone who's just a bit odd?

 

These old guys who are creepy at the political discussions you're attending, do you use the word "creepy" because their behaviour is sexually inappropriate? Lewd jokes? Hitting on the women there? Again, if they are doing this, I can see why your boyfriend is not happy about you hanging out with these kind of men.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I'm not suggesting you use the phrase for all men. I'm just wondering why you're meeting so many creeps. Is it possible you're misreading the guys or using the word creep to describe someone who's just a bit odd?

 

These old guys who are creepy at the political discussions you're attending, do you use the word "creepy" because their behaviour is sexually inappropriate? Lewd jokes? Hitting on the women there? Again, if they are doing this, I can see why your boyfriend is not happy about you hanging out with these kind of men.

 

Yes there was a guy 2x my age hitting on me in a very creepy way. Sat down next to me, told me that I could text my friends later, proceeded to ask if I wanted to get married and that I should give old guys a chance. If that doesn't scream creepy idk what does.

[preraph]

I know your husband is working a lot, but I truly think the total solution to your problem is to take your husband with you once or twice because let's face it, they may know you're married, but they never see him and may wonder about that. So taking your husband will probably make the geezers back off and also reassure your husband. Do that.

[Gaeta]

I would not reassure him or invite him to come with you. This would be feeding his insecurities. You would find yourself in a dynamic where you have to constantly justify yourself, reassure him and prove to him you're doing nothing wrong.

 

I would simply tell him I am sorry he feels jealous but it's his demons to deal with. The fact men are there is irrelevant, you're a grown woman worthy of trust and you're capable of rejecting any indecent proposals.

 

I would not want to hear about it after that.

 

Also yes you've been in an abusive relationship before and can identify the red flags, you can identify SOME red flags. Abuse comes in different shape, it's not always about physical abuse and being put down, it can also be in the form of jealousy and manipulation all wrapped up in bows and flowers.

[Gaeta]

Yes there was a guy 2x my age hitting on me in a very creepy way. Sat down next to me' date=' told me that I could text my friends later, proceeded to ask if I wanted to get married and that I should give old guys a chance. If that doesn't scream creepy idk what does.[/quote']

 

Have you reported this story to your boyfriend? If yes than don't anymore.

 

I get hit on in the metro, I get phone calls from exs, I never tell my boyfriend. I can get rid of all those on my own I don't need to worry BF about it. To me not reporting these stories to my BF is respecting him.

[O'Malley]

Let's face it, most women have been bothered by a creep at some point in their lives, just going about their daily routine...the solution isn't to become a shut in and only interact with your partner. People in relationships need their 'me' time and it's good to get out and socialize with other people.

 

I'd tell him that you enjoy the discussion and can deal with overtures. He knows your character, so if he can step back from his own feelings and recognize that this is something beneficial for you, good.

[olivetree]

I would not reassure him or invite him to come with you. This would be feeding his insecurities. You would find yourself in a dynamic where you have to constantly justify yourself, reassure him and prove to him you're doing nothing wrong.

 

I would simply tell him I am sorry he feels jealous but it's his demons to deal with. The fact men are there is irrelevant, you're a grown woman worthy of trust and you're capable of rejecting any indecent proposals.

 

This is a really dismissive stance that can be quite harmful and INCREASE insecurity.

 

I can see how you would think that you're fuelling the fire, but quite the opposite can happen when you reassure someone who expresses insecurity - they become more secure!

[she'stheone]

Hi I'veseenbetterlol,

 

When we've experienced bad relationships in the past, it's very common for us to feel anxious in a new relationship.

 

It's very rare that the anxious behavior conveys the TRUE message to the other person.

 

Your guy seems to have some anxiety about the status/security of your relationship.

 

Anxious people need reassurance. The first step will always be open, honest communication. Ask him what is REALLY bothering him.

 

Since you're going while he's working, he may feel as though you are "hiding" things from him. (I am NOT saying you are and I do NOT know what is really causing his anxiety)

 

Communicate with him about how you feel and ask him what you can do to make him feel better. You may be pleasantly surprised by his answer.

 

If his answer is NOT something you can live with, it can help you to recognize problems in your relationship sooner rather than later.

 

Open, honest and compassionate communication is the key to any good relationship.

 

Wishing you much love and light

[Gaeta]

This is a really dismissive stance that can be quite harmful and INCREASE insecurity.

 

I can see how you would think that you're fuelling the fire, but quite the opposite can happen when you reassure someone who expresses insecurity - they become more secure!

 

Insecure people that are jealous are a well with no bottom. Not the same as being insecure about our looks or about our professional achievement. It's a different beast. His insecurities are caused by distrust & by lack of control. You cannot reassure a jealous man, Jealousy masks other deficiencies and OP will discover them soon.

[Gaeta]

 

Communicate with him about how you feel and ask him what you can do to make him feel better. You may be pleasantly surprised by his answer.

 

Like turning on her phone gps so he knows where she is at all time? or maybe to come along so he can watch her? Or maybe that she calls him when she gets there and when she leaves from there so he knows she's coming straight home?

 

All of these are ridiculous.

 

We're gonna stop calling this man insecure, he's not insecure he's *jealous*. Jealousy is a sickness

[she'stheone]

HI Gaeta,

 

Like turning on her phone gps so he knows where she is at all time? or maybe to come along so he can watch her? Or maybe that she calls him when she gets there and when she leaves from there so he knows she's coming straight home?

 

All of these ARE ridiculous.

 

We're gonna stop calling this man insecure, he's not insecure he's *jealous*. Jealousy is a sickness

 

First of all, I never said any of those things. I was VERY clear about having open, honest COMMUNICATION.

 

Why do you think someone is jealous? Because they are so very secure in themselves or because they are insecure.

 

Jealousy springs from insecurity.

 

I have been jealous before in relationships and it was ALWAYS because I was insecure about some aspect of the relationship.

 

Now, whether or not a person wants to stay with someone who's insecure is a different question. Many times insecurity can be eased with simple communication, other times it can not.

 

I agree, all of your examples..

Like turning on her phone gps so he knows where she is at all time? or maybe to come along so he can watch her? Or maybe that she calls him when she gets there and when she leaves from there so he knows she's coming straight home?

 

are ridiculous, which is why I never suggested such "ridiculous" solutions.

 

Asking him what is really bothering him and seeing if there is a way to ease that is called effective communication, which we all need in our relationships.

 

Maybe simply texting him a note "I love you" while she's there would be enough to make him feel better.

 

Insecure people that are jealous are a well with no bottom. Not the same as being insecure about our looks or about our professional achievement. It's a different beast. His insecurities are caused by distrust & by lack of control. You cannot reassure a jealous man, Jealousy masks other deficiencies and OP will discover them soon.

 

While you may be right you may NOT be right about this man. This is why open, honest and compassionate communication is so very important. It allows us to discover what the other person needs/wants instead of assuming.

 

I do agree with olivetree who said

 

I can see how you would think that you're fuelling the fire, but quite the opposite can happen when you reassure someone who expresses insecurity - they become more secure!

 

Again, honest, open and compassionate communication gets us an answer without making assumptions.

[olivetree]

Insecure people that are jealous are a well with no bottom. Not the same as being insecure about our looks or about our professional achievement. It's a different beast. His insecurities are caused by distrust & by lack of control. You cannot reassure a jealous man, Jealousy masks other deficiencies and OP will discover them soon.

 

Have a read about attachment theory, it can give you a whole new understanding about human relationships and why people feel the way that they do.

[Gaeta]

Personally I would never put up with any kind of jealousy. OP is just starting to date this guy so instead of trying to minimize this she should be very observant.

 

In the article I am attaching they are mentioning to reassure your partner but hell would freeze over before I reassure a jealous partner. I expect to be trusted 100% in my relationship.

 

 

What's behind jealousy:

 

 

1. Low self-esteem.2,3
   
2. Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.2,4
   
3. Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.5
   
4. Dependence on your partner:6,7 Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.8
   
5. Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.3,9,10
   
6. An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.11,12 Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.13
   

REF: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201410/whats-really-behind-jealousy-and-what-do-about-it

[olivetree]

Personally I would never put up with any kind of jealousy. OP is just starting to date this guy so instead of trying to minimize this she should be very observant.

 

In the article I am attaching they are mentioning to reassure your partner but hell would freeze over before I reassure a jealous partner. I expect to be trusted 100% in my relationship.

 

 

What's behind jealousy:

 

 

1. Low self-esteem.2,3
   
2. Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.2,4
   
3. Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.5
   
4. Dependence on your partner:6,7 Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.8
   
5. Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.3,9,10
   
6. An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.11,12 Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.13
   

REF: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201410/whats-really-behind-jealousy-and-what-do-about-it

 

If understanding the reasons behind jealousy don't help you feel more empathetic, then all I can say is, to each his own

[Gaeta]

If understanding the reasons behind jealousy don't help you feel more empathetic, then all I can say is, to each his own

 

Understanding jealousy doesn't make it acceptable in a relationship. I can be very empathetic toward someone emotional turmoil but it doesn't mean I should endure it in my life.

[Gaeta]

Also, her boyfriend is jealous of her attending a political group, which is the most platonic outing you can find, how will he react when she goes to office Xmas parties? or any other event that is a tiny bit more risky than attending a political group.

 

A few years ago my daughter broke an arm and it happened a couple of days before she was moving apartment. She called her father to come and help us. He said yes of course. The day of the move he called back saying he could not come because his wife had a big fit of jealousy, she didn't want him to be with me alone in an apartment moving boxes!!!! How ridiculous is that? We had been divorced for something like 15 years!! so I had to move our daughter alone. That's jealousy, and that's = control.

[she'stheone]

Personally I would never put up with any kind of jealousy. OP is just starting to date this guy so instead of trying to minimize this she should be very observant.

 

In the article I am attaching they are mentioning to reassure your partner but hell would freeze over before I reassure a jealous partner. I expect to be trusted 100% in my relationship.

 

 

What's behind jealousy:

 

 

1. Low self-esteem.2,3
   
2. Neuroticism: a general tendency to be moody, anxious, and emotionally unstable.2,4
   
3. Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness.5
   
4. Dependence on your partner:6,7 Even asking people to imagine that they don’t have good alternative partners leads to more negative reactions to hypothetical jealousy-inducing scenarios.8
   
5. Feelings of inadequacy in your relationship: Generally fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner.3,9,10
   
6. An anxious attachment style: A chronic orientation toward romantic relationships that involves fear that your partner will leave you or won’t love you enough.11,12 Research has shown that temporarily causing people to feel more securely attached, by asking them to think about receiving support from a loved one, makes them react less severely to a hypothetical jealousy-inducing situation.13
   

REF: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201410/whats-really-behind-jealousy-and-what-do-about-it

 

It appears to me you have a lot of pain and anger about this.

 

If you do not want to be with someone who is jealous/insecure, that is certainly up to you.

 

When we are in a relationship, we need to look at OUR actions as well as the actions of the other person. Sometimes we make someone jealous/insecure because of things we do, without even realizing we are doing these things.

 

To say someone should trust you 100% regardless of YOUR behavior is not the sign of a secure person.

 

When we have pain and anger from past relationships that we have not resolved it can cause us to ignore our own behavior and look only to the other person for fault.

 

Relationships revolve around BOTH people, and sometimes we miscommunicate with each other not because we don't care but because we don't realize we're doing it.

 

To simply state "I need 100% trust" without looking to our own behavior for signs as to why someone may not trust us can lead to very poor relationship experiences.

 

Trust is a two way street and sometimes, when someone doesn't trust us, it's because of something we may have inadvertently done.

 

Once again, this is why open, honest and compassionate communication is so important.

 

Sending you much love and light