crazychick Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I posted a few days ago about telling my ex that I was seeing someone new and how good it felt to get everything out in the open. Last night I had the most disturbing conversation with him. First off he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Feels like it would be wrong for us to continue a friendship when I am trying to start something new. That part I understand and is not the part of the talk that bothers me. He said a couple of things that got to me. The first thing is, he feels that the last time we went out I figured out that I don't have those kinds of feelings for him anymore and I lost all hope for the future of us. The reason I don't understand that statement is - for almost 9 months now we have been broken up and he has been telling me since day 1 that he didn't want to get back together with me, that he is not interested in me, that we will never get back together, that he wants to meet someone like me - just not me, etc. I mean you hear that enough times and eventually you just kinda give up. Me giving up didn't happen in one day though, it happened over a period of time. He also said that nothing is important to him. That he doesn't care about anything or anyone and he has no feelings, and that I have deep feelings which is why he liked me. He has such a low opinion of himself, its insane. Since May, there has been a distinct change in his personality. He has grown more and more distant and cold. Its hard to be around. I have been thinking that it was just me, that it was because he was trying to make me understand that he didn't want to be with me. But now, hearing his voice yesterday and really thinking about whats been going on with him, I am kind of concerned that it is more than that. He sounds deeply disturbed. Let me say this. I don't want to get back together with him. I don't see our relationship having a future and I really want to be with this new person. But I can't help feeling concerned about him. I just don't think there is anything I can do about it. Am I right?
elijahBailey Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 the situation can be broken up into the following: . after the break-up, if neither one of you is seeing someone else, you can still be friends. . if one of you finds someone new, the other person will probably feel awkward ( many people are cool about it, but, it's apparent that it's not so, in your case ) . since he hasn't found someone new, just hearing you talk about your new guy will have an effect on him. Doesn't matter that your ex doesn't want to have a relationship with you anymore. Feelings can be tricky and sometimes we don't even know why we feel the way we feel. Do your ex a favor and let him go. Go live your new life to the fullest.
noname Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 he is just reacting to loss. even though you guys were broken up for a minute, when you finally had your closure, he short circuited. you have maintained some sort of relationship so he has always had that comfort that it wasn't truly over. now that he sees you putting a nail in the coffin, he is worried. pretty normal behavior actually, most people don't know what they have until it is gone. and even if it was bad for you, it still hurts. i don't want to assume, but sounds like his comments were made to throw you off kilter. to make you concerned. big fact coming up... there is nothing you can do about it. and don't think you can. he is no longer your responsibility. if you choose to be his friend and sounding board that is cool, but limit it to that. listen but take no responsibility. focus and good luck with your new guy...
Author crazychick Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 I guess you both are right. Its just weird to me. He has been down right cold and mean to me at times about not wanting to get back together - not to mention the fact that the day we broke up he started seeing someone else and was with her for about 4 months before they broke up. And in our friendship he kept throwing that in my face, like the fact that he was with someone else really made it clear to him how much he didn't want me. I mean I have had all of the signs from him that it was over between us, but some how inspite of how he treated me, I managed to figure out a way to be his friend. We had many heart to hearts about a lot of things, and we finally were at a point where I would say I felt comfortable about being his friend. He seemed angry with me when I told him that I didn't have those feelings for him anymore - where I wanted him back. And believe me I hung on to the idea of being a part of this guys future, having babies the whole 9 yards for a long long time. But he kept saying that it wasn't possible. Then when I finally say it back to him, he says "oh that makes me feel really good" and acting like it was the worst thing I could say to him. I know feelings are always more complicated than just black and white, but when all the signs are pointing to he doesn't want me, then of course it is normal to come to the conclusion that he doesn't want me. I honestly understand the part where the friendship maybe is no longer realistic, but I just don't like the part where he throws all of this stuff out there. He kept saying over and over that he didn't want to be friends that there was no way we could, and when I told him that I understood and that I wasn't going to fight him on it, he got even more mad. That he felt like it didn't matter to me, even though I told him he was important to me, and that I would like to be friends, but I understand and that it was his decision. I really didn't know what else to say. So I guess - he's just trying to make me feel bad about not pining over him and chasing after him forever even though he doesn't want me? I mean is that what he is upset about, that I finally after months and months decided to let go - when he told me repeatedly that I needed to? I am so confused. But also, I am not going to call him, I am not going to write him, I am not going to contact him in any way. I am letting go because I have to.
elijahBailey Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Now you're giving a clearer picture. Sorry, but, yeah, this guy is all about wanting to control you. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't wanna let you go. I think he's got some major issues... Originally posted by crazychick But also, I am not going to call him, I am not going to write him, I am not going to contact him in any way. I am letting go because I have to. Exactly...... you do that. Let him go. He doesn't sound like a true friend. Good luck.
noname Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 he is just feeling the heat of losing control. this is time for you to take control. you stopped holding on to a lost cause. that's the first step. now you move on with your life. if he doesn't like it, stop talking to his *ss.
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