Stormsurfer89 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 So before i start my story i would like to say hello to everyone and hope this is the right place to share my thoughts. I’m 28 years old and so far i wasn’t engaged in a serious relationship, most of them being adventures and so on. So, on a night out with some friends, in a nightclub, i met this girl, 3 years older than me, i didn’t talk too much with her because i was about to leave, added her on FB and i began dating her the next couple of days and the next weekend we went on a vacation where we had sex. At first i thought this will be another adventure, but i found her interesting and started to develop feelings for her. I spent almost every night talking to her on the phone for at least 2 hours. She’s intelligent and very attractive, has a good but stressful job, i found alot of topics to discuss and so on, we began to hang out, making out in the car almost non-stop and so on. But here comes the first problem, at first we didnt have where to have sex, because i live with my mom and at her place she said it’s impossible because every now and then her ex comes knocking at her door (he cant get over her). We said we’ll figure out a solution (hotel room or something similar) but after this everytime i brought up this topic she said she either was tired/not in the mood or on her period and so on. I got over this and struggled to believe that she is loyal (even though i knew she didnt have the physical time to cheat on me, we were spending alot of time on the phone or going out). Then comes the 2nd problem, she usually goes out with her best friend in the club, and everytime i said to her if i can come with them she said that it’s a girls only night out (at other times there were other girls with them too not just the 2 of them). I found this a bit sketchy and i went out in the same club with some friends (to see what’s going on with her), clearly because jealousy/being possesive is one of my traits. She accused me of being extremely jealous and that she isn’t comfortable with this thing and i should trust her, she gave me a reason of why she doesn’t want to go out together with me in a club (also because her ex might be following her and she didnt want to create a tense situation). I also think i rushed a lot regarding our relationship. She is also a jealous person because when we went out together she would get mad if i looked at other girls and so on, all my friends told me to drop her and get over her because she is too complicated and has a difficult history (she was married for around 7 years, then had a relationship of about 2 years with the ex i was talking about earlier). About her ex she told me from the beginning that when he knocks on her door (rarely) she invites him inside because she doesnt want the neighbours to freak out but she assured me that they only talk (mostly him) and then he leaves, she doesn’t feel anything for him and so on. Of course i know that i’m the one who is loving her more than she loves me (i doubt she really does), maybe that’s the reason i cant let go, every moment together with her is great and i love to make out with her and so on. So time went by, we spent the New Years’s Eve together (alongside my friends) and it was great. She told me all of her life’s story and i told her my feelings for her. And here comes the big thing: after around 3 months into our relationship, 1 week after the New Year’s Eve, i couldnt reach her on friday’s night and saturday’s night and when i finally was able to talk to her she seemed cold and told me that she wants to be alone with her thoughts and that she couldnt use her phone because her ex was at her house and took away her phone and so on (that was happening every time he was visiting her). 2 days after this weekend a friend of mine told me she had sex with someone in the weekend, because he heard it from some connections. Right after this, without me telling her anything i noticed that on her fb profile her relationship status was set to single (also i forgot to mention that during this whole time she was posting selfies on fb, insta and snapchat almost daily). I asked her about her page and she said that her status was set like this from the beginning but i didnt’t saw it (it was hidden probably but even after this discussion she left it set at single). The next weekend we spent time together in a nightclub with her showing again signs of jealousy and so on, everything was okay again. And to finish my story, on monday i told her my issues with this relationship (her choosing single on her relationship status, the lack of sex and the rumour i heard). She didnt provide answers on the first 2 topics but focused on the third and she told me she hasnt got time for this kind of bull**** and that surely the rumour was started by her ex because he wanted us to break up and he was blocked on every device (including mine) and it was the only way to make me break up with her. The problem is that i never caught her lying so far (and i tried) and i dont know who to believe. She also told me that i’m her type of guy but that she feels tired (work plays apart) and she knows that our relationship isnt going the way it is supposed to be (i know this too), that she tried to be more attached to me but doesnt know why she cant get even more closer (told me she isnt usually like this in a relationship), and that her ex messing with her mind might be the problem. She said she needs a pause of some days in this relationship, that she feels suffocated at times by me (i knew i was at times like that but it’s because i love her) and she needs to be left alone for some time and to see if she will be missing me or no. I dont know if i should go on with this type of relationship even though i’m still in love with her, i didnt tell this to any of my friends because most of them will believe that im a ****ing fool. Hopefully i’ll receive some feedback from you guys and sorry for my english because it isnt my first language.
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 You're not a moron. But you should definitely dump her and move on. This relationship clearly isn't working. You are very different people and I don't see how you can overcome your differences here. She doesn't seem to be taking the relationship very seriously at all, is putting herself in situations that someone who is in a relationship should not put herself in. And you have no trust in her (with good reason). You need to find someone who acts trustworthy, and then you need to trust them. 1
Author Stormsurfer89 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) You're not a moron. But you should definitely dump her and move on. This relationship clearly isn't working. You are very different people and I don't see how you can overcome your differences here. She doesn't seem to be taking the relationship very seriously at all, is putting herself in situations that someone who is in a relationship should not put herself in. And you have no trust in her (with good reason). You need to find someone who acts trustworthy, and then you need to trust them. Thanks. This is what i was thinking too ... but it is hard because i have feelings for her and despite the problems we had so many great moments together. I didn't dump her earlier into the relationship because i believed that in time everything will sort out. I think that she craves attention, and isn't so sure of our relationship and that's why she needs some time off to think about it, so far it is only 1 day since we have spoken, i'll see if she reaches out after a few more and shows signs of change. Honestly i know i rushed too much into this relationship, and the lack of sex was the main question mark i had and the seed of all my doubts about her saying the truth ... I don't think that a woman can go through 3 months without having the mood for it (even more in her case because we had sex after 1 week of knowing eachother). I asked her what is wrong with me, and she said that i'm ok and she was the problem, that her mind is ****ed up and it is the reason she can't get even more closer to me (that she isn't usually like this in a relationship and so on), she underlined that i'm her type and there is nothing wrong with me. Edited January 17, 2018 by Stormsurfer89
d0nnivain Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 You would only be a moron if you let her continue to play you. Wake up to the fact that the alleged EX BF is coming over her house for sex. That is why you can't be there . If she really wanted him gone, having you answer the door would be the fastest way to get rid of him. It was an adventure -- to use your word -- while it lasted but that ride has come to an abrupt halt. 2
preraph Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I didn't get quite all the way through your post. But I think she's too accommodating to her ex, and that there's a reason for that, and the reason is she's still somewhat at least emotionally involved and doesn't want to cut him off. I mean, it's really pretty cheeky to say to your date, You can't come over because my ex might drop by. Yes, it certainly can be girls' night and no, you shouldn't have gone because that was unsavory and insecure, but well if it's girls' night, why is it possible her ex will show up? Probably because she's going there hoping he will. Sorry. Think you should move on. 2
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 (edited) You know this isn't working, you know she's not going to give you the relationship you want. She's enjoying her life the way she wants....you need to move on. And I'll say it...yes you are being a $%^&ing fool. Edited January 17, 2018 by smackie9 2
fred123 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 were u actually in a relationship or exclusive? or just seeing each other? please be clear
snowboy91 Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 And to finish my story, on monday i told her my issues with this relationship (her choosing single on her relationship status, the lack of sex and the rumour i heard). She didnt provide answers on the first 2 topics but focused on the third and she told me she hasnt got time for this kind of bull**** and that surely the rumour was started by her ex because he wanted us to break up and he was blocked on every device (including mine) and it was the only way to make me break up with her. The problem is that i never caught her lying so far (and i tried) and i dont know who to believe. She also told me that i’m her type of guy but that she feels tired (work plays apart) and she knows that our relationship isnt going the way it is supposed to be (i know this too), that she tried to be more attached to me but doesnt know why she cant get even more closer (told me she isnt usually like this in a relationship), and that her ex messing with her mind might be the problem. She said she needs a pause of some days in this relationship, that she feels suffocated at times by me (i knew i was at times like that but it’s because i love her) and she needs to be left alone for some time and to see if she will be missing me or no. . It's clear there are feelings there, but she keeps going hot and cold on you, and is far too accommodating toward her ex. You've also admitted that you feel like your feelings aren't reciprocated by her. I think from her perspective, you seem to tick some of the boxes but she just doesn't feel the way that she should towards you. To answer your question: I don't think you're a moron. We've all been there, trying to pursue something that just isn't happening. You're doing the right thing for yourself by approaching her about the issues in the "relationship" (which from your post I'm not sure if you're official yet?), but she's avoiding some issues and getting angry about others. I get the feeling she's hiding something. But assuming she's not, you still probably shouldn't take this further.
Iseult Posted January 18, 2018 Posted January 18, 2018 I dont know if i should go on with this type of relationship even though i’m still in love with her, i didnt tell this to any of my friends because most of them will believe that im a ****ing fool. If your friends who know you would call you a fool, what do you think a bunch of internet strangers who don't know you would call you? I don't know how you deliniate the difference between a fool and a moron, but I'd choose you to be the worse of the two.
Author Stormsurfer89 Posted January 18, 2018 Author Posted January 18, 2018 were u actually in a relationship or exclusive? or just seeing each other? please be clear Yes we were and it was official, both of her and my friends knew we were together, including our families too. At first i didnt tell my family about this and when she found out she said to me that i’m hidden and don’t have faith in this relationship because she told her family about me being her boyfriend. I’ll move on and let it in the past.
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