fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Just had a quarrel with my boyfriend. He always said he wanted an understanding girlfriend who can understand that he's working hard and is tired after work and from travelling long distance. All these I can understand, so I'd only meet him on Saturday and Sunday for gym. I'd always travel down to his place on Saturday to meet him. Even if I have a direct public transport to the place we want to go, I'd still travel down to meet him. Despite that he's always late. I let it slide since he said he's tired and is a bit slow during the weekends. I decided to take up a leadership role in my school because there was no one who wanted to volunteer. The leadership role includes a training this coming Saturday until late evening. So I told him, and I said I hope that you could come down to find me and have dinner with me. He started grumbling, then I said, other people's bf and husband are travelling down to fetch them. I'm only asking you to come meet me for dinner, is that so difficult? Considering that I'm always the one travelling to his place and coming home alone from his place. Then I said,okay, let's meet somewhere. He ended up choosing a location near his place. I'm so annoyed and basically I ranted. Then I said fine, I'll just come to the location you suggested. Then he said, it's okay. At this point, I'd already know that we're both angry. So we hang up the call. He also said that, "go find another boyfriend then". The issue is not about finding another boyfriend, but him not being sensitive and caring enough! It's so frustrating. He had a rough day at work, and I know I'm being a bitch to initiate this with him, but I'm boiling!
PegNosePete Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 He also said that, "go find another boyfriend then". Yes, I agree with him. He sounds like a complete jerk and you should find another boyfriend who is not a jerk. You can't force someone to be supportive and caring and sensitive. He has shown you that he does not possess those character traits. If you want a boyfriend who is supportive and caring and sensitive then the only option is to follow his advice and find a new one. Also someone who says that, is obviously not very invested in YOU. If he cared about you and respected you and your relationship and wanted to work on this issue, then he would NEVER tell you to go and find another boyfriend. The fact that he has, means that he really wouldn't be too bothered if you did. He always said he wanted an understanding girlfriend More like, he wants a "girlfriend" who does exactly what he wants, exactly when he wants and fulfils all his needs, but he doesn't have to reciprocate in the slightest. You should tell him to get an inflatable one. 4
BaileyB Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 With all due respect, we all work hard. Everyone has days when they are exhausted and don't have the energy to go the extra mile... But, if he never puts the effort forth to meet you halfway... Well, one-sided relationships rarely work long term. Sorry. 2
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 Yah I agree with you all. We've been together for 6 years. And ya, he's being a complete jerk especially everytime he's stressed up at work. I'm not trying to pick a fight with him after his long day at work, but I'd really appreciate if he could be more caring in that sense. I don't think we're meeting this week after the fight just now.
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Yah I agree with you all. We've been together for 6 years. And ya, he's being a complete jerk especially everytime he's stressed up at work. I'm not trying to pick a fight with him after his long day at work, but I'd really appreciate if he could be more caring in that sense. I don't think we're meeting this week after the fight just now. The "stressed at work" is an excuse. We're all stressed at work, stressed in traffic, stressed with day to day responsibilities -- but we make time for those that we care about and we look forward and anticipate our time with our loved ones because it takes us away from the daily grind. You mentioned you travel all the time to him and you have to travel back home alone. That your only time together is gym time. I hate to say this but your boyfriend isn't invested in you or the relationship anymore and likely keeps you where you are for whatever benefits he can get from you. He's a first class jerk. He said he wanted an "understanding" girlfriend = he wants a doormat and you're being exactly that for him. Your boyfriend is right about one thing -- you do need to find a new one. This is one dead weight. 5
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 He does texts me daily and he'll call when he ended his work to check in on me. It's just that this part of him when I asked him to travel down to accompany me for dinner this saturday and he just went 'dead'.
Shepp Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I work hard! I’m a firefighter that is physical and mental and exhausting! And on top of that I play semi pro football - so that’s evenings and weekends! And then I help out on the farm when I have spare time! I know what it is to work hard! BUT when me and the Mrs started dating I swear I’d of found away to drop everything else in my life and walk on water if that’s what she’d of asked of me!! You know what? We might be married but I still would! Why? Because I want to spend time with the girl, I did then, I do know! Whatever it takes to see her is worth it - because her company is worth it! Her presence is worth it! I want to be with her, even if it’s grocery shopping or something, I’d still rather be with her! And this is us married, past the honeymoon stage, past all that!!! You and your boyfriend are still only dating and yet it’s already too much effort for him to put himself out to see you!? Is that really the kind of guy you want to invest your time in? Or move forward in life with? Cause, well - he doesn’t sound like much of a teammate!! 8
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 He does texts me daily and he'll call when he ended his work to check in on me. It's just that this part of him when I asked him to travel down to accompany me for dinner this saturday and he just went 'dead'. Yes, that's the crumbs he gives you to keep you coming back for more. You've taught him you require no respect or effort. And is that all you need in a relationship? Text and calls? No, it didn't go dead when you asked him to accompany you to dinner -- it's dead when a man makes zero effort into seeing you and expects you to do all the leg work in the relationship. Your own words: "so I'd only meet him on Saturday and Sunday for gym. I'd always travel down to his place on Saturday to meet him. Even if I have a direct public transport to the place we want to go, I'd still travel down to meet him. Despite that he's always late. I let it slide since he said he's tired and is a bit slow during the weekends. 3
kendahke Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Just had a quarrel with my boyfriend. He always said he wanted an understanding girlfriend who can understand that he's working hard and is tired after work and from travelling long distance. All these I can understand, so I'd only meet him on Saturday and Sunday for gym. I'd always travel down to his place on Saturday to meet him. Even if I have a direct public transport to the place we want to go, I'd still travel down to meet him. Despite that he's always late. I let it slide since he said he's tired and is a bit slow during the weekends. I decided to take up a leadership role in my school because there was no one who wanted to volunteer. The leadership role includes a training this coming Saturday until late evening. So I told him, and I said I hope that you could come down to find me and have dinner with me. He started grumbling, then I said, other people's bf and husband are travelling down to fetch them. I'm only asking you to come meet me for dinner, is that so difficult? Considering that I'm always the one travelling to his place and coming home alone from his place. Then I said,okay, let's meet somewhere. He ended up choosing a location near his place. I'm so annoyed and basically I ranted. Then I said fine, I'll just come to the location you suggested. Then he said, it's okay. At this point, I'd already know that we're both angry. So we hang up the call. He also said that, "go find another boyfriend then". The issue is not about finding another boyfriend, but him not being sensitive and caring enough! It's so frustrating. He had a rough day at work, and I know I'm being a bitch to initiate this with him, but I'm boiling! So now that you're calm... He does bring up a good point. He's not the kind of guy you want to be with and no amount of hounding him is going to flip him into someone he's not and has never shown any interest in being. I mean, he's pretty much telling you that if you're that unhappy with how he is, there's the door. He's not going to budge any further, OP. This is as far as sensitive and caring travels with him--it's never going to meet with your satisfaction. That means you're going to have to take a few days to do some really hard thinking about your life and what it means to you to be happy; understanding, of course, that your boyfriend has pointed out clearly how far he is willing to go for you. You cannot feign ignorance of that point any longer. Would it be nice if he would? Sure. But it's also just as nice to understand "what is" in your situation and stop focusing on "what I wish would be..." because chances are, that's not going to happen. "What is" is that he's a guy who doesn't appreciate your time, hence he's always late; having dinner and a social evening out with you elicits grumbling, but if it was a group of his mates, would he be so put out? The reason why you're doing everything you're doing is because you dont' want to face the fact that he's not as invested in your relationship as you are. I mean, what you've written here makes that plain. I'm surprised it hasn't crossed your mind, but if you're that busy doing all the traveling, doing all of planning, doing all of the understanding, what does that leave him to pick up and do of his own volition? And would he? This is who you have to work with. If you need a different sort of man, you need to put this one down first and go find that man. 3
kendahke Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 He does texts me daily and he'll call when he ended his work to check in on me. It's just that this part of him when I asked him to travel down to accompany me for dinner this saturday and he just went 'dead'. Are you reading and reflecting on any of the responses or are you more invested in defending him after tearing him down to us?
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Considering that I'm always the one travelling to his place and coming home alone from his place. Here's another exceptional quality about your boyfriend. You sound young and the unfortunate part about this is when you start conditioning yourself to accept poor treatment, you'll likely keep repeating the pattern and that's because you see little value in yourself and believe you don't deserve any better. When you start allowing people to treat you this way, you start to make it acceptable in your mind. Time to wake up. Figure out your standards and values. What you know you want and desire in a relationship and a boyfriend. What makes for a healthy and mutual gratifying relationship in your eyes. Ask yourself these questions and if he doesn't fit the bill, move on. Don't even waste your time trying to make him become a semi-decent partner in this relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 This relationship is on life-support and it's surviving because YOU ONLY are injecting oxygen to it. Not only this man is not caring but he's selfish, indifferent and abrasive. In a relationship both have to pull their own weight and you're doing it all and he has no appreciation of it. A man would tell me ONCE I can find myself another boyfriend, I'd be out!! Where is your pride? His excuse is bull. We are all stressed, my bf is gone 16 hours a day and he still drives to my place & he's still kind and affectionate. I really hope you don't settle for this for the rest of your life. 2
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 I think I'll give it what you all said some thoughts and really talk to him. I don't think now is the best time, especially when I haven't had sort out my thoughts. Another bad habit of mine is, I always compare him with other men. Like my friend's bf and my colleagues. I actually said that, 'my friend's bf can even come down to accompany and fetch her, why can't you?'
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I think I'll give it what you all said some thoughts and really talk to him. I don't think now is the best time, especially when I haven't had sort out my thoughts. Another bad habit of mine is, I always compare him with other men. Like my friend's bf and my colleagues. I actually said that, 'my friend's bf can even come down to accompany and fetch her, why can't you?' Yes, because you know that when people love each other, they do whatever it takes to nurture their partner and relationship. You KNOW he is not wanting to do that for you. You compare because you know you're not getting what you deserve. It's not a bad habit -- it's an internal alarm signalling you that something is wrong but instead, you turn it around and take the blame. 2
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 Okayy, I'll give it a good thought for the next few days. For now, he texted goodnight darling and I said okay, have a good rest that's all. I appreciate all the comments and I'll jot them down!
smackie9 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I agree with him...you should find another BF. You both barely have time to see each other on the first place, so it's time to break it off. This relationship has ran it's course. 1
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Okayy, I'll give it a good thought for the next few days. For now, he texted goodnight darling and I said okay, have a good rest that's all. I appreciate all the comments and I'll jot them down! That's the bait to rope you back in and it worked. The cycle repeats. I hope you spend the time self-reflecting and figuring out why you've allowed yourself to settle for so little. Maybe that will help you realize you do deserve better -- just like all the other women who have husbands and boyfriends picking them up, you can have a boyfriend like that too. In the meantime, stop traveling to him. He needs to step up and show you he has a share in this relationship as well. Tired/stress = BS. If anything, you're teaching him you are a doormat, if you haven't already. Good luck to you. 2
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 Okay I will give it a good thought! And talk to him on one of the days when I feel I could really stand up for myself
kendahke Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I think I'll give it what you all said some thoughts and really talk to him. I don't think now is the best time, especially when I haven't had sort out my thoughts. Another bad habit of mine is, I always compare him with other men. Like my friend's bf and my colleagues. I actually said that, 'my friend's bf can even come down to accompany and fetch her, why can't you?' Train yourself to stop doing this. It's a horrible habit because it puts the onus for your own happiness where it doesn't belong: everyplace else but you. The reason why he can't is: he doesn't want to. Fin. End of story. He has full control over where he places his person and if it's no where near you, then that means he doesn't want to be near you, so it doesn't matter what your friend's boyfriend does or doesn't do: that's your friend's boyfriend, not him. 1
LovelyRose Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Just had a quarrel with my boyfriend. He always said he wanted an understanding girlfriend who can understand that he's working hard and is tired after work and from travelling long distance. All these I can understand, so I'd only meet him on Saturday and Sunday for gym. I'd always travel down to his place on Saturday to meet him. Even if I have a direct public transport to the place we want to go, I'd still travel down to meet him. Despite that he's always late. I let it slide since he said he's tired and is a bit slow during the weekends. I decided to take up a leadership role in my school because there was no one who wanted to volunteer. The leadership role includes a training this coming Saturday until late evening. So I told him, and I said I hope that you could come down to find me and have dinner with me. He started grumbling, then I said, other people's bf and husband are travelling down to fetch them. I'm only asking you to come meet me for dinner, is that so difficult? Considering that I'm always the one travelling to his place and coming home alone from his place. Then I said,okay, let's meet somewhere. He ended up choosing a location near his place. I'm so annoyed and basically I ranted. Then I said fine, I'll just come to the location you suggested. Then he said, it's okay. At this point, I'd already know that we're both angry. So we hang up the call. He also said that, "go find another boyfriend then". The issue is not about finding another boyfriend, but him not being sensitive and caring enough! It's so frustrating. He had a rough day at work, and I know I'm being a bitch to initiate this with him, but I'm boiling! Follow his suggestion and find another boyfriend! You've been together six years. Maybe he doesn't feel the same anymore. Has he always been like this? Either way, it's still bad. What kind of man lets his gf travel alone at night? Most people work and most people are stressed. He's not the only one. Aren't you feeling stressed with how he treats you? I recently started a new job, a very stressful job and I get home so late. While my boyfriend works super early which means he gets up super early and goes to bed by 9pm. So by the time I get off he is extremely tired and sleepy but he will always wait for me. Just this week he told me he changed his work schedule an hour later so he can stay up later and have more time talking to me. We are LDR. If your bf truly cares, he will do everything he can to be with you. Please think this through. Are you ok being a doormat? Texts and calls are good too, but they have to come with actions.
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 Okay. I'll talk to him over sunday or next week cos we only meet over the weekends.
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Okay. I'll talk to him over sunday or next week cos we only meet over the weekends. Out of curiosity, what are you going to talk to him about?
Author fixandfix Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 I'm going to talk to him about all the questions that you all have for me. I can't really put into words right now cos it's 12:40Am at my side and I'm getting sleepy But I've read every single post here and it all makes sense to me. But I think it'll be easier when I put down on pen and paper!
Kelliousme Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 He also said that, "go find another boyfriend then". The issue is not about finding another boyfriend, but him not being sensitive and caring enough! It's so frustrating. He had a rough day at work, and I know I'm being a bitch to initiate this with him, but I'm boiling! You're not being a bitch.. not at all. In fact you should do exactly what he's telling you to do.. go find another boyfriend. This guy definitely sounds like he's not willing to put in even an ounce of effort into your relationship. Why would you want to be with someone like that? Wouldn't you want to be with someone who cares about you, wants to spend time with you, would do anything to be with you no matter how busy he is?
Buriall Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I work hard! I’m a firefighter that is physical and mental and exhausting! And on top of that I play semi pro football - so that’s evenings and weekends! And then I help out on the farm when I have spare time! I know what it is to work hard! BUT when me and the Mrs started dating I swear I’d of found away to drop everything else in my life and walk on water if that’s what she’d of asked of me!! You know what? We might be married but I still would! Why? Because I want to spend time with the girl, I did then, I do know! Whatever it takes to see her is worth it - because her company is worth it! Her presence is worth it! I want to be with her, even if it’s grocery shopping or something, I’d still rather be with her! And this is us married, past the honeymoon stage, past all that!!! You and your boyfriend are still only dating and yet it’s already too much effort for him to put himself out to see you!? Is that really the kind of guy you want to invest your time in? Or move forward in life with? Cause, well - he doesn’t sound like much of a teammate!! You sir, you are one lucky guy....i hope someday I ll be in a relationship like yours. Where my efforts and company appreciated and wouldn't be taken for granted.. 2
Recommended Posts