LoveStruck12 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. For the most part we've had a very strong, healthy relationship. We see eachother most weeks and spend weekends together. We live separately but he has his own flat which I spend a fair amount of time at. We get on great, make each other laugh and both feel incredibly strongly. For the past year we have broached the topic of moving in together, he has at points seemed keen for this but as the date nears he gets cold feet and the subject gets swept under the carpet. This had inevitably lead to me become frustrated and the lack of commitment has meant I've become anxious and insecure. When I've tried to approach his fear around commitment he closes down and shuts me out, telling me I'm being 'ridiculous' or unfair. I had reached a point where I told him if he was unable to commit I would walk away from the relationship, to which he then agreed for me to move into his flat in March. Over the Christmas his fears around me moving in surfaced again which resulted in an argument and him breaking up with me claiming that 'we want different things and that he doesn't see a future with me'. He says he 'needs time and space away from me to clear his head and think deeply about things' This was three weeks ago and for the most part we haven't had contact. We spoke yesterday and during the conversation he said that he 'can't stop thinking about me' 'lies awake at night mulling things over' 'every inch of him wants to carry on a relationship with me' and that 'he loves me deeply and doesn't want to be with anyone else'. However, on the flip side he also keeps maintaining that he 'currently doesn't see a future with me, which breaks his heart' he says that we 'have big issues' which he acknowledges are mainly his, his unwillingness to commit, his lack of communication and inability to compromise and that ultimately he wants the relationship to work but needs to assess whether it can. The other thing to mention in this is that he says he doesn't see children within his future and that he believes this is something I'd want. We've never talked about this and tbh I haven't really made my mind up about children. I'm 27 and he's 28. I guess really I'm looking for some guidance over this strange situation. I haven't ever been in a situation where someone describing the break up as a 'head over heart' matter. He loves me but doesn't think he can be with me. Am I being messed around? Do i give him the time and space he is requesting or do I simply close this chapter myself and move on? Thank you
divegrl Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 First off, I’m so sorry for what you are going thru. It must be really tough. I went thru something similar; and there are many threads on LS with the same premise of “we love each other; but we are not compatible”. This is a very complicated subject, and I have seen relationships go both ways. Basically he loves you, but is not sure your values align to sustain a relationship. I would treat this as a break up and do your best to move on. If he does come back and want a second chance, you will be in a much better position mentally and emotionally. You can then assess the relationship and see if it meets your needs. Hugs my friend. 1
Purepony Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I don’t see anything strange. You want a future with him and he doesn’t want a future with you... maybe he saw something he didn’t like ? Maybe he changed who knows ? I do know this. It sounds like he’s likes you but he’s not in love with you, he might like you as a roommate or a friend. Bottom line. Let him sort out his mind on his own and move on unless you want to be strung along for who knows how long .....
Zahara Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 He's had 3.5 years to figure what he wants from this relationship and he's come to the conclusion that he does not see a future with you. Yes, he gets sad when you're not around and misses you but he misses the attachment and familiarity of you -- that doesn't mean anything more than what it is. He's being very clear and upfront with you. It would be best to move on from him.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 I agree with the others that this break-up is not so strange. I know it certainly feels that way for you now, but it appears there's been something holding him back for a long time and he can't continue knowing he doesn't feel the same way you do. If you have a browse through these threads, you'll see plenty of similar stories. I am sure he still loves you in the sense that he cares about you and wants you to be happy, but he knows he can't commit to a future with you so he's letting you go.
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