Kkristine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 The last 2 guys I've dated have been (what I felt) overly nice. The first guy, who I only dated for 2 months, would bring me little gifts every day I saw him. He brought over tools all the time to my apartment because "this needed a fixing". The guy I just started talking to wanted to come over and make a grocery list for me because my fridge was nearing empty. He wasn't joking. I'm sick today and he wanted to bring me some medicine and soup for me, but I declined it. He also said that he worries about me a lot because I live alone. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, but is this considered too much? I guess I look at it as them trying to take care of me, but I don't like it. I also see it as a control thing, too.
carhill Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 The world needs givers and takers. Keeps it rotating. The men in the story seem a bit over the top though, even for this generous soul. Time and place for everything. However, if a woman is clearly and genuinely attracted, such actions won't turn her off generally and can, if she perceives love through acts of service, even turn her on more. I've seen it play out both ways in my dating and mating experiences. Feelings are perception. Given your thread, I tend to believe you're falling into the 'too much' camp so I'd let these guys go. 3
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 The guy bring over tools to fix things? Cool. The guy wanting to make your grocery list? No cool. (But cool if YOU make the list and he does the shopping lol)
alphamale Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 are either of these "nice guys" good in the sack?
Andy_K Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Offering is nice. Where it crosses the line is the insistence on helping, or being reluctant to get the message when you decline an offer. Someone who is genuinely nice will care about whether you want said thing done or need the assistance. Someone who is 'too nice' will blaze in regardless, wearing their 'niceness' like a badge of honour. 2
SammySammy Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Offering is nice. Where it crosses the line is the insistence on helping, or being reluctant to get the message when you decline an offer. Someone who is genuinely nice will care about whether you want said thing done or need the assistance. Someone who is 'too nice' will blaze in regardless, wearing their 'niceness' like a badge of honour. Offering is not nice. She’s views his niceness as manipulative and potentially controlling. No one wins here. Least of all him. Should be a lesson for all “nice guys”. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Look up the definition of obsequious. It's like nice on steroids, doormat extraordinaire. Given how short these relationships have been even the offers are a bit over the top. As a pure generalization men are not caregivers the way women are. When I'm sick it can be like pulling teeth to get my husband to so much as make dinner. I can't imagine him as a brand new BF offering to go grocery shopping. The guy who brings his tools may just have been annoyed by the little things that need fixing. The 2nd time ever my father in law -- a handy guy who fixes things -- dug out DH's sparse tool box, ran to Home Depot for supplies & fixed a drawer in the kitchen that had been busted before we bought the house. He did all that because the drawer was annoying him.
Lorenza Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 In my mind, if a guy tries too much he's either: desperate, aka not desirable by other females (which immediately makes me suspicious) or wants to trap you by making you feel like you owe him something for his "niceness" (aka manipulative)
heartbrokenlady Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 IMO a man that is too nice, giving, etc is gonna end up being controlling and will expect something in return. An occasional good deed is lovely. Daily, obsessively, when you’ve just met, isn’t nice, it’s some sort of deal in his head. ‘If I do this she’ll shag me.’
preraph Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 It depends. If they do it too soon, it can make you feel obligated and they know that. But if you've known or been dating them awhile, great. Thing is you aren't comfortable with it, so it's too soon for you, and you need to tell them that. But also, if you are telling them your woes "I'm sick, there's nothing in the fridge," then stop because this is prompting them to "fix it." Gifts too soon are a red flag, from someone you barely know or haven't at least dated a few times. You can also flat-out tell them, "No, don't. i'll take care of it. I'm not comfortable putting this on someone else." 3
KBarletta Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 IMO, there's a difference between being nice and being creepy or controlling. Bringing you a thing or two from the store that he knows you like and need, IMO, nice. Making you a grocery list and insisting on buying things to fill your refrigerator, IMO, creepy, borderline stalker. Of course, this is all assuming you know him well already. None of this is OK with someone you just met. I would say "nice guys finish last" but sometimes I think that's just an excuse that guys use to behave like *******s. Honestly, people should be nice because that should be your default position as a human being, to treat each other with dignity and respect. You should be generous with your partner without expecting anything in return except common courtesy and respect yourself. But don't use "nice guys finish last" as an excuse to treat women badly just because you think women like "bad boys." I think that's BS. Just my $0.02. KTB 3
O'Malley Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Some people are just happiest in the role of givers and fixers, sometimes to their own detriment. If you're not comfortable with the offers, let them know you can handle things yourself and gauge their response. Genuinely good people know how to step back and respect boundaries. Certain behaviors - in this case, the constant gift giving and the offer to stock your refrigerator - will be off putting and too much unless you know each other well. It comes across as overcompensating and non-authentic, in a "If I do these things, she'll like me," sort of way. 1
smackie9 Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 This is something that has started in childhood...they were probably bullied and teased or horribly rejected, so they over compensate to be accepted. They just need to be told that smaller doses of kindness is way more appreciated. 1
basil67 Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 It's difficult because while the intention is probably kindness, their actions come across as assuming incompetence. Which is most certainly not "nice". It would be a bit like dating your overbearing mother. That said, guy #1 fixing things could be my brother in law. He's always tinkering with something. I wonder if the first guy's actions could have been more about needing to tinker than being overly caring. 1
jjgitties212 Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 The last 2 guys I've dated have been (what I felt) overly nice. The first guy, who I only dated for 2 months, would bring me little gifts every day I saw him. He brought over tools all the time to my apartment because "this needed a fixing". The guy I just started talking to wanted to come over and make a grocery list for me because my fridge was nearing empty. He wasn't joking. I'm sick today and he wanted to bring me some medicine and soup for me, but I declined it. He also said that he worries about me a lot because I live alone. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, but is this considered too much? I guess I look at it as them trying to take care of me, but I don't like it. I also see it as a control thing, too. I think it really depends what kind of person you are. Some people don't get turned on by "nice". I know I don't. I need a little fire and spark in the women that I get attracted to.
bachdude Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Well, OP...you certainly seem to have an affect on guys. Are you putting love potion in their drinks or what? These guys are bending over backwards to impress you. Anyway, I don’t know OP. I’m getting a picture here of your life... Your place needs a lot of fixing. You don’t keep food in the fridge. You have no meds in the house. If the last two guys both seem to feel the need to take care of you, it makes me wonder what sort of impression you are making!
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 i dont believe in any way shape or form, in this world as it is today, that anyone should knock a person for being too nice.....we need ...correction..are starving for nice....good gentle kind thoughtful caring individuals who would help others in little ways however they can...gonna write a book about it ...... and call it ....nice is not a dirty word....nice doesnt mean being a doormat .....doormat means being a door mat.... being nice also doesnt mean watch out for nice.....warning warning ulterior motives.... nice is a word that should be cherished......people who are nice like wise.....not to be taken advantage of.... ridiculed or thought of as lacklustre in bed......nice people can be freaks int he bedroom .....they just dont kiss and tell......why...because they are nice...loyal ....protective compassionate and rightful.....they like to do whats right and good to do by others and for others cherish your person who is nice...see him for who he is an dhow he treats others...and maybe nice ....will become contagion in a world sorely needing a contagion as such......a ripple that from him to you to others is spread out..like reading what he wanted to do for you.......made me feel ...nice ...and glad to be A nice lady...YAAAAAAAY NICE....take care and I hope you feel better soon....deb 3
LilySun Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Gifts every time, that would be too much for me. So would the grocery list... I'm capable of doing that myself... And worrying about me... Also too much. I live alone and if I guy I just met was that worried it would weird me out. Guy bringing tools over, that's about the only acceptable, appreciated thing here. Everything else is way too much for someone you just met. For someone you've been with a long time, these things would be more welcome. I wouldn't call it too nice I just call it too overbearing. I would feel too smothered by most of these things. A regular nice guy will just do a nice thing here and there, and not in a way that is practically shoving it down your throat.
harrybrown Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Mom has passed on a few years ago. But she was insistent on being nice. my brother fixes every thing. when my girlfriend was sick, I did take her some orange juice and cans of soup. maybe i should be more of a jerk, and drink and smoke and cheat. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Mom has passed on a few years ago. But she was insistent on being nice. my brother fixes every thing. when my girlfriend was sick, I did take her some orange juice and cans of soup. maybe i should be more of a jerk, and drink and smoke and cheat. please stay to be the guy you are now......theres no maybe you shouldn't be you...we need more people like you ...liek ops guy...not less....because that will be...when the world ends...when it stops producing nice people.....nice people are COOL AS...they rock my world....smilin........deb
LilySun Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Mom has passed on a few years ago. But she was insistent on being nice. my brother fixes every thing. when my girlfriend was sick, I did take her some orange juice and cans of soup. maybe i should be more of a jerk, and drink and smoke and cheat. Nothing wrong with this. You are probably not over the top and overbearing about it. This is what the OP is experiencing. All of these are nice gestures but in moderation. Too much of anything can be bad. Also some of these things are just too much for the very beginning of a relationship. Maybe not for everyone but to me some of it (not all) is just too excessive. I personally don't want someone always breathing down my neck in the beginning. To me it's not about being nice it's about giving me some space. As the OP I would feel like these guys are forcing it too much. There's a way to be nice without forcing it.
todreaminblue Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 Nothing wrong with this. You are probably not over the top and overbearing about it. This is what the OP is experiencing. All of these are nice gestures but in moderation. Too much of anything can be bad. Also some of these things are just too much for the very beginning of a relationship. Maybe not for everyone but to me some of it (not all) is just too excessive. I personally don't want someone always breathing down my neck in the beginning. To me it's not about being nice it's about giving me some space. As the OP I would feel like these guys are forcing it too much. There's a way to be nice without forcing it. i think when nice is forced on someone it no longer becomes nice..being nice means accepting and respecting someones personal space and desires needs and wants.....being nice also means that you are able to be asked to not do something that you respect somebody when they say no and step back..if this guy is truly nice.....then she will be able to talk to him and have him respect what she wants....being nice isnt mind reading what someone doesnt like or want.......deb 2
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