Unsure about situation, need counsel

[GaiusCassius]

Hello all, I have just found this community, and I am in need of some advice. I will try to be brief!

 

About 2.5 years ago (summer 2015), I met someone fairly organically (no apps, no set up, etc.), and I developed an interest in them. We talked almost daily for about 6 months, and they seemed to be moderately intrigued by me. But they were dating someone at the time, and it was already a several year long relationship.

 

So I didn't make any moves or say anything, as there was nothing I could really do. After about 6 months of chatting a lot (Dec 2015), life shifted for me a bit and I no longer had the opportunity to talk to or see her. I was upset about it, and it never really went away. They're quite a special person; most people don't intrigue me this much. And despite knowing they were in a relationship that probably wasn't going to end, my interest never waned and I never stopped thinking of them.

 

Well, two years later (Dec 2017), we reconnected. We ended up matching on Tinder, though I don't recall seeing the swipe. Anyway, it turned out their relationship had ended just a few weeks prior. So, I told them pretty much right away I was interested (perhaps this was a mistake in retrospect), and they said they need time and that we may chat as friends and maybe hang out.

 

Over the last 4 weeks we've been texting a fair amount - some of the conversations quite serious, and some very light-hearted. Sometimes there were many long messages, and sometimes they were quite short.

 

I'm oblivious about how courting is supposed to be done properly, but I thought given the progression of the conversation that it was time to see if they wanted to hang out (this was about a week ago).

 

So I asked, and they responded "Certainly, yes." But when I asked when they're free, they deflected and said their schedule is difficult, and to tell them my schedule. So I told them my schedule, and they said they'd get back to me. The person got back to me a few days later, to tell me they were sick and apologize for not getting back to me about hanging out. Meanwhile, pretty much immediately after I had asked to hang out, we went from chatting often to not chatting often at all and the replies generally taking many hours to arrive.

 

Jeez, reading all of this typed out, it's not sounding so good for me. She's pretty clearly not interested, why can't she just say that?! Or am I being too presumptive?

[d0nnivain]

She can't just say she's not interested because she values your friendship, enjoyed talking to you like before & doesn't want to give up the ego boost.

 

 

A few weeks out of a LTR she's also not ready to date. So while you may have been waiting for 2 years; she is only just learning to face the world without the guy who had been by her side for years.

[Zahara]

If I were you, I'd keep on dating and pursuing others. Don't text her anymore. If she does, then you go from there but if you're not getting anywhere with her, move on.

 

She's just ended a relationship and likely in a position of being emotionally unavailable and not ready to dive into anything else. She may have walls up, she may have no interest, she may be looking for a temporary distraction, she may just enjoy the attention she gets from texting you and nothing more -- who knows but she's clearly no interested at this time.

 

Plus, I wouldn't trust someone who was talking to another guy while being in a relationship. That in itself would set off an alarm for me.

[alphamale]

She's pretty clearly not interested, why can't she just say that?!

 

because girls like to hurt your feelings indirectly

[GaiusCassius]

She can't just say she's not interested because she values your friendship, enjoyed talking to you like before & doesn't want to give up the ego boost.

 

A few weeks out of a LTR she's also not ready to date. So while you may have been waiting for 2 years; she is only just learning to face the world without the guy who had been by her side for years.

 

Thank you for the quick response. I do try to appreciate their perspective, and that it's vastly different from how I feel/am approaching this.

 

But what shook me a bit was the apparent deflection/seemingly making up excuses. And that led to a fairly noticeable drop in communication.

 

And I'm not sure they really value my friendship. If they did, they'd want to see me right? Or is this another mistaken assumption?

 

I understand they are their own person, and owe me nothing, but this is terribly tantalizing and confusing for me, hah.

[GaiusCassius]

If I were you, I'd keep on dating and pursuing others. Don't text her anymore. If she does, then you go from there but if you're not getting anywhere with her, move on.

 

She's just ended a relationship and likely in a position of being emotionally unavailable and not ready to dive into anything else. She may have walls up, she may have no interest, she may be looking for a temporary distraction, she may just enjoy the attention she gets from texting you and nothing more -- who knows but she's clearly no interested at this time.

 

Plus, I wouldn't trust someone who was talking to another guy while being in a relationship. That in itself would set off an alarm for me.

 

This is my view essentially. I am trying to be sociable with other people; it's semi-working.

 

Why can't she talk to another guy while she's in a relationship? None of our conversations were inappropriate or nefarious. I should clarify too that most of them occurred in person because for those 6 months we saw each other at the same place most days.

[d0nnivain]

And I'm not sure they really value my friendship. If they did, they'd want to see me right? Or is this another mistaken assumption?

 

 

Maybe not right now. Since you reconnected through a dating site & you made it clear you want to take her on a date, if she only wants friendship she would avoid you, especially now when her whole world turned upside down. With some stranger she could hook up, get in, get out, be gone. Not so with you. She doesn't want to play with your emotions. She may not have previously realized you liked her so your request caught her off guard, hence the excuses.

[Iseult]

She's pretty clearly not interested, why can't she just say that?!

She's pretty clearly not interested, why can't you understand that?