Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 So my ex fiance of 9 years dumped me for another woman (one he introduced me to to be friends with and I was actually friends with no less but that's another story) a few months back and before he dumped me while our relationship was still alright he introduced me to his friend. We hit it off really good but naturally wouldn't do anything because I was with my ex and he was my ex's friend. Well fast forward to a few months after the breakup and his friend and I start talking more and we find out that we have a lot more in common than we initially thought. His friend had reservations about us doing anything because he didn't want to jeopardize his relationship with my ex but after I talked to my ex I was pleasantly surprised to find out that he approves of our relationship and was actually very happy at the prospect of us dating as he thought that we were perfect for each other and could make the other person very happy. So his friend and I start hanging out more and becoming closer and closer and we ended up having sex a few times which was mind-blowing each and every time but then he came over yesterday and said that he just wanted to be friends. He says he doesn't like his personal life and work life mixing together and because I'm so connected to his work where he's a support manager at because of my ex and my ex introducing me to everybody in the store he doesn't want to be pestered about his personal life there and it gives him a bit of anxiety thinking about it. He also said that he's been jaded in his last 2 relationships because of the work connection and that is why he has his rule set up that he doesn't date anyone that's connected to his work or his friends. I guess one of our mutual friends was questioning him yesterday and that was the final straw for it? I don't know exactly what they said to each other but I guess my friends stated that he had some opinions of his own on the matter and kind of left it at that. What's weird is we've been acting like a couple for over a month now we go out and do things we hang out we get along fabulously all of his body language points to him wanting to be with me and he's even openly admitted to wanting to be with me but this? I just don't know what to do and I'm feeling a bit heartbroken over it. I thought things were progressing very well with us and now all the sudden it's like I just ran smack into a wall. He said that he's a bit broken right now and he needs to figure some things out and that's not to say that we won't end up together in the future but right now we just need to stay as friends. What do I do? Sorry for it being so long.
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 He knew all of these things that he is now using as an excuse to leave before you started dating. I don't think these are the real reasons. Either he scared himself by developing feelings for you quickly, or this is a pattern. Either way, I suspect he took advantage of you knowing your vulnerable state after your break up. I know it hurts, but I would cut him off completely. You deserve better, and I don't see that anything good can come of this. This guy misled you at best and used you at worst. You seem intelligent, attractive, and special: ditch this man and find someone who treats you with the love and respect you deserve. Is there any way you ca distance yourself from this social circle and perhaps look of anther job? These people seem very unhealthy for you.
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) Fortunately, I don't work with them, I met all of these people through my ex over the two years that he was working at this job before we broke up. Both his friend and I hit it off almost instantly. We get along fabulously and are frighteningly compatible it's just he has this set of rules that he goes by and dating somebody that he knows is really associated with his work is against one of his rules. He says he has very strong feelings for me and he knows that we could be happy together so I'm confused. Edited January 16, 2018 by Madwonderland13 Spelling error
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 I just feel like something else is going on. My husband, who was my boss, didn't believe in dating in the workplace either, yet, because of the strength of our attraction, we ended up married. Have you asked him to explain why this is such a hard and fast rule for him? I know these are your friends, and I am not suggesting that you dump them. I do think a little distance could be good for you. Volunteer in the community, join groups of like-minded people, take a class. Expanding your social circle might help you to get out of the fray of this situation and gain perspective. When you feel strong and happy again, then re-engage with them if you'd like. But a nine year breakup and another relationship with a man I suspect is not being entirely forthcoming with you...those cause serious pain. I speak from experience. Indulge yourself; make new friends, expand your circle.It will give you perspective. Has he elaborated as to why this work issue is so important? I just can't shake the feeling that something else is going on here... Pull away from him. It all protect your sanity, and it might bring him back around.
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 So you don't actually work with him but have an extenuated connection to his job? I am trying to think of a rational explanation for his behavior given these facts, and I am drawing a blank. I think you should withdraw from him. Once he realizes you won't put up with this, he might come around...if you still want him. What do your other friends think about this?
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 He said that the last two relationships he was in were connected to his work and they blew up in his face epically because of it. He doesn't like people at his work being all up in his business and where he works is like high school level drama and he hates drama. He also says that he gets anxiety thinking about all of it and that he's broken right now and has to sort through some things. I guess the last two relationships really worked him over. This all just happened yesterday and the day before we were all cuddly and acting like a couple. So it's hard for me not to feel like a kid that just touched a hot stove. Logically it just doesn't make sense.
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 So you don't actually work with him but have an extenuated connection to his job? I am trying to think of a rational explanation for his behavior given these facts, and I am drawing a blank. I think you should withdraw from him. Once he realizes you won't put up with this, he might come around...if you still want him. What do your other friends think about this? He works in a mass retail store that I frequently go to and have gone to for years and my ex got a job at the same store roughly two and a half years ago. And in that time frame I've gone to some of the events that the store has put on and through my ex got to know a lot of the people that work there and actually ended up with a few friends from this place up to and including him. My friends seem to be just as confused as I am because all of the signs and actions were leading up to a new relationship and then he just stops it out of the blue.
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Just out of curiosity, what is your connection to his work? You mentioned that you don't work together, so I assume your connection to his career is nominal at best. I'd tell him that he should judge you and your relationship based on your connection and happiness: he has no right to visit the sins of his past girlfriends on you. I would tell him to recognize you for who you are and that comparing you to people who are very different from you is unfair and hurtful. You sound very well adjusted. Even if this doesn't work out, you will move on and find someone worthy of you. His issues, however, seem entrenched: the person he my be hurting the most is himself. He is missing out on a wonderful lady like you who could enhance his life. Honestly, though, Would back away from him. He will probably miss you: make him do the work to win you over.
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) He works in a mass retail store that I frequently go to and have gone to for years and my ex got a job at the same store roughly two and a half years ago. And in that time frame I've gone to some of the events that the store has put on and through my ex got to know a lot of the people that work there and actually ended up with a few friends from this place up to and including him. My friends seem to be just as confused as I am because all of the signs and actions were leading up to a new relationship and then he just stops it out of the blue. This sounds like almost no connection to his work at all. He seems have some fears I cannot identify at play. His explanation is senseless. If you feel that you want to continue seeing him, I would demand the truth. I don't like this, though. I am concerned you will get hurt by someone with unresolved relationship issues. Try to get to the Botton of it with a frank discussion, and then, honestly, I'd go no contact. This guy either can't overcome psychological hangups or is jerking you round. Neither option is a good one. But if you cut him out of your life, he my realize what he is missing. [] I complete understand what you are going through. I sincerely wish the best for you--whether it be with this guy or someone else. Please protect yourself emotionally. I read your profile and saw your picture: you are beautiful and have so much to offer! Edited January 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Solicitation for private contact redacted
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 My connection is my ex essentially he introduced me to all of his co-workers and we would all hang out together and this included him. So all of his co-workers and his work friends know me pretty well because for a long time I was the 'wife' of my ex so they all know who I am and they all know what happened with my ex and I is relationship. They know what my ex did and the person that my ex is with now because she used to work at the same store. He saw all the drama that unfolded with that and doesn't want it. I did tell him I'm not here to hurt him or make him uncomfortable so he is aware of that. I don't know how to bring the subject up with him again because yesterday when the conversation was going on I just blanked out on everything because I was so surprised. He does want to maintain our friendship which makes it even stranger.
Lamartine Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) He knew about all of this drama before becoming involved with you. I really don't see how it would be a problem for him with work since you don't work there...particularly if he doesn't discuss your relationship there. Also, if he were really worried abut the work drama, he would not want to stay friends. I like you: you seem free spirited and fun. I'm telling you this from one woman to another: he is hiding something from you. Please back away from him. Also, this group of friends seems toxic. One ends your engagement after 9 years to screw around with a co-worker. Another begins a relartionship with you knowing your past and then holds your past against you. These don't seem like good people. Hang out with them if you want, but seek out people who are more like you. Look for good hearted and positive people with whom to surround yourself. You deserve it! These people are victimizing you! It's not always easy to rebuilt, but it is very possible. I've done it and have an amazing group of friends now. I have no contact with the people who used to be toxic in my life. You DESERVE to be treated with respect. Edited January 16, 2018 by Lamartine
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 Thank you so much! It's just really strange because he introduced me to his 10 year old son...
LilySun Posted January 17, 2018 Posted January 17, 2018 As others pointed out, these are issues he knew about before getting involved with you. So it's hard to believe these are legit reasons. And even as "friends" he is stringing you along and giving you hope things might change later. That isn't really fair to you. You are in a gray area that needs more clarity. Maybe he's feeling weirded out that you are his boss's ex wife? I'm not sure. But obviously since you are struggling with the friendship, a talk needs to be had. You need to know if he ever wants to get back together, or not. If not, then no friend zone junk. Total NC. You should only remain his friend if you can accept that it may never be more again. That is the only healthy way. He probably thinks you're okay with current status and that's why he keeps it up. But you are not okay with it so one way or another, something either needs to happen.. Or not happen. There is no in between.
Author Madwonderland13 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Posted January 17, 2018 We are still talking, he says he has a lot of guards up and he knows it's like self sabotaging. I told him we could take things slow but I feel like he is punishing me for his past girlfriend's mistakes. I told him that we can always take things slowly and that nothing I say will really make him believe that I'm not like them but it's just something he would have to trust me on.
Recommended Posts