TheOnlyOne73 Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 I've recently started "seeing" my flatmate, but nothing has been made official yet. When we met each other in September 2017 we were both in relationships; mine was serious, his wasn't. I left mine 3 months ago (NOT because of the new guy), he left his over Christmas. They used to speak to each other about twice a week and met on Tinder. In November, he told me he really liked me but didn't want a relationship because he was messed up by a rocky 1.5 year relationship a few years ago in the Middle East (which included a miscarriage, cultural differences/pressures, a broken off engagement, depending on each other to survive).He said he was in two minds about whether to be with me or not, because he "didn't want to hurt me" and seemed convinced he would damage me. He said he needed to learn how to be by himself and not depend on his partner. This seemed genuine; he seemed genuinely concerned for my wellbeing but also afraid of commitment. He says he is very all-or-nothing in relationships, either all in and loved-up or distant and unfaithful. When he was younger he had a reputation of being a player, apart from the relationship in the Middle East in which he didn't cheat. He cheated on his long-distance ex-girlfriend mentioned at the beginning of this post with me, but apparently he never liked her as a person. Over the Christmas break, I accepted what he said and let go, and we didn't speak to each other for 3 weeks (neither of us are big on social media or texting). After Christmas, he came back and told me he'd had time to collect his thoughts. He had gone on a break to Scotland and felt like "a new man". To my surprise he had broken it off with his girlfriend over Christmas and told her he had been sleeping with someone else. He wanted to work towards making a go of things and becoming a better person. He tells me I'm the only one he wants to be with. He buys me flowers and gifts all of the time and is affectionate towards me; we spend hours with each other everyday and cook together. He has told me he thinks he might love me and thanks me for making him so happy. He told me he is really trying and wants to take it step-by-step. Just yesterday he asked me if I want to go to Amsterdam with him for a weekend break in a few weeks. What should I do, do I trust him and take a chance, or bail on this situation?
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Oh boy. The most complicating factor here is that you are flatmates. With that living arrangement you are living together from the first date. It's an all or nothing proposition & when it ends somebody needs a new place to live. Since you have already slept together this in untenable all the way around. Even if you bail on the relationship, who moves out? Staying there & trying to date others won't work. Any quality new person you meet will not tolerate you or him living with a past FWB. So you either need to both give it your all or somebody needs to move.
FilterCoffee Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Hi OP, So it’s clear that this guy’s into you but what do you think and feel about him? Do you think it’s a relationship worth pursuing?
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted January 15, 2018 Author Posted January 15, 2018 (edited) Oh boy. The most complicating factor here is that you are flatmates. With that living arrangement you are living together from the first date. It's an all or nothing proposition & when it ends somebody needs a new place to live. Since you have already slept together this in untenable all the way around. Even if you bail on the relationship, who moves out? Staying there & trying to date others won't work. Any quality new person you meet will not tolerate you or him living with a past FWB. So you either need to both give it your all or somebody needs to move. @d0nnivain: We are flatmates at university, which means that one or both of us goes home on the holidays, and we are both out during the day at different campuses. For the next academic year starting September 2018, he is staying put in the same flat, but I have booked to move to another flat around the corner but in a different block. He says the thought of me moving upsets him. I did this incase something does go wrong, but if not, I will only be around the corner and not very far away. @FilterCoffee: I do really like him, my only cause for concern is his past history of cheating bar two relationships. Edited January 15, 2018 by TheOnlyOne73
O'Malley Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Regardless of what happens, it's a good idea to move out and give yourself some space...you might have more clarity about the situation if you're not constantly around him and being caught up in his overtures. He cheated on his long-distance ex-girlfriend mentioned at the beginning of this post with me, but apparently he never liked her as a person. He apparently liked her well enough that he kept dating her until he had another sure thing waiting. The way that someone talks about and treats an ex, especially a recent one is a fairly good indicator of how they might treat you in the future. Imo, the situation just seems like a rebound, where he constantly seeks out a new partner and can't be alone. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 I would have called that dorm mates but if you have a plan to address the living arrangements that is better. Why do you want to bail then? Do you think he's not sincere? Are you just scared? Are you afraid he's love bombing you? Assuming he's truthful that after living with you & knowing you warts & all he's committed to making a go of it, with the flowers & the plans all I see is a nice guy. What's holding you back? He previously had a FI so he's not a commitment phobe, although he may be a serial monogamist. Are you worried it's too good to be true? Are you unsure of your own feelings?
kendahke Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Hmm... Cheaters. What they'll do with you, they'll do to you eventually. He does know how to cheat, after all. 2
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted January 15, 2018 Author Posted January 15, 2018 I would have called that dorm mates but if you have a plan to address the living arrangements that is better. Why do you want to bail then? Do you think he's not sincere? Are you just scared? Are you afraid he's love bombing you? Assuming he's truthful that after living with you & knowing you warts & all he's committed to making a go of it, with the flowers & the plans all I see is a nice guy. What's holding you back? He previously had a FI so he's not a commitment phobe, although he may be a serial monogamist. Are you worried it's too good to be true? Are you unsure of your own feelings? Because of his past history of cheating. He's cheated on most people he's been with.
Mkn1010 Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Assuming he's truthful that after living with you & knowing you warts & all he's committed to making a go of it, with the flowers & the plans all I see is a nice guy. What's holding you back? He previously had a FI so he's not a commitment phobe, although he may be a serial monogamist. Are you worried it's too good to be true? Are you unsure of your own feelings? Too good to be true? What the hell, I completely disagree with the above for what it's worth. All you need to know is that this person has no integrity. Yours is also questionable for cheating with him knowing he had a girlfriend. Need I say more...too good to be true? Yeah perhaps you're prefect for each other!! What has happened to humanity (*smacks hand against face*) 1
Miss Spider Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 He sounds like bad news!!!Strong likelihood he'll cheat on you with some other chick and you're flatmates so it will be all kinds of messy. 2
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