fermina Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Ok, this is so damn awful. I just called him twice this morning and he did not answer my calls....i feel so terrible. I miss my best friend! I did not have the guts to leave a message....
sami Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 You'll eventually get over it. Just keep yourself busy and take your mind off him. It's hard though.
BoatingBabe Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I hear you, it's so hard, I keep struggling with the same thing..but I've remained strong so far and it's already been 2 weeks. Whenever I think about emailing/IM'ing him or calling him, I just think how I'd feel if he doesn't respond the way I'd want him to, or make me feel stupid...and then it would just be back to square 1. Stay strong, and keep focused....I'm sure you have survived more difficult things in the past..think of that. I find when I think of some past problems, this pales in comparison, and it keeps me focused to get him out of my mind for good. As long as he makes no effort, I think this will finally be the end.
Author fermina Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 I'm not sure how I feel right now...he just called. He said he hope i did not think he was ignoring me. He was simply giving me space as requested. He then proceeded to ask about my trip to LA next week for a job interview. I told him that I'm still going, may be heading to London as well for another interview (all true)... Then he said that he had been working a lot and getting sleep... he apparently is behind on work...i still have stuff at his place and that i can pick up anytime...he said he's not going anywhere...i don't know what lead to me saying the following: "I miss my best friend. i miss the way we used to talk. I meant what I said about being your friend. I know you so well that I know when something is bothering you. I also know when you're not telling me everything. I think that as a friend, you will feel that you can tell me everything and I can be truly be there for you" His only response was "I know". He said he had to go back to work...that he wants to talk to me tonight. He kept asking if I'll be around and I kept saying "just call me"... So now what?!?
BoatingBabe Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Looks like he's wheeling you in again. It may feel okay right now...but in a few days you'll regret reconnecting with him, because the same issues are still there...and then you'll go back to square 1. I've been there, it sucks either way. It will get easier though and eventually you'll stop wanting him back.
Miffy Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 I saw a counsellor a while ago - she suggested that you actually feel low esteem rather than want the person when you try and contact - because you crave a positive response - I missed you/you are the love of your life that sort of thing. When you break NC and don't get the result you want - which I think happens most times (they don't answer the phone when you know they are there/reply to text when you know they got it and read it - anyone else tag their emails like me????) - you actually feel worse so better to not risk it in the first place.
Author fermina Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 well, he did not call last night..but that's ok because i was not waiting by the phone. I worked out for a couple of hours and picked up my dog from my other ex (a friendly one) and played with him and and watched Law and Order (which I used to love to do until I met Mr Right). I ordered Chinese takeout and had a glass of wine. Overall, it was a great evening. My dog woke me up at 7 and then we went to the park until 10am. All this time, I had my phone off and intend to keep it off until this evening. I feel great! Why? Well, I am finally in control of my life. I remember something he said yesterday "If you want to have coffee or dinner sometime, just let me know. The ball is on your court." Well, I am not calling his sorry arse!!! This time, I mean business. I'm going to focus on my life and make sure I do not get distracted by him. If he wants me, he's going to have to work hard at it. I gave up 4 boyfriends for him and I do not see him giving up anything for me.
sadlittlegirl Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 I gave up 4 boyfriends for him and I do not see him giving up anything for me. This made me laugh because it's my situation too! I guess I need to focus more on stuff like this and remember how he started refusing to introduce me to my his friends because he complained they all wanted to ask me out. Miffy: Yes I do that too. I even tag my texts. I've been feeling like crap the whole day because I sent him a courtesy text to let him know I've changed my number and absolutely no reply from him when I know he got it. I was brooding over it the whole day and even lost my appetite. Then I logged in just now and noticed he unblocked me from his IM. What does this mean? I don't know but small things like this keep me going and helps me to maintain NC until I sort myself out. Edit: It just occured to me he could have removed me from his IM list entirely which is why I can see him online now. Oh well!
Author fermina Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 I'm very lucky to have the friends that I do. They have been calling and emailing from all over the world to keep reminding me of what a DIVA I am!!! And they are all correct! I am a dreamgirl, and no one's doormat! I will run into him again because we have some mutual friends. I take pride in knowing that his friends absolutely ADORE me and they all told him how lucky he was to have me. And when I do meet him again (not through any effort of my own), I will make sure to look as fabulous as I can be. He can eat his heart out because this hot babe will be the unattainable one that he fell in love with...He can go on dreaming about our hot nights together (an trust me there were many of those...he could never keep his hands off me - hee hee). So my dear friends, I am off to do some errands, pay my bills, and look for the job of my dreams for now. Oh I'm also letting my dearest best friend buy that beautiful Dolce and Gabbana dress that I am too guilty to buy for myself (because I'm unemployed). But the dress is just SOOOO awesome and it makes me look and feel like a million bucks! Gonna get my hair done too :- )
newbby Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 famina, sounds great!!! and sorry to hijack your thread but i just have to reply to this Then I logged in just now and noticed he unblocked me from his IM. What does this mean? I don't know but small things like this keep me going and helps me to maintain NC until I sort myself out. my exmm has also unblocked me and i dont know what it means either, you can delete AND block someone so unless you want it that way there is no need for the other person to be able to se you online if you delete them. i know it doesnt mean what i really would probably like it to mean though, so there is no point in going down that line of thought. i think its just his way of saying no hard feelings, so he doesnt feel like he is an arse, but he is, so he can think what he likes!!
Author fermina Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 Darn it, I'm having dinner with him tonight! My mother called and talked about how if I love him I should fight for him...blah...blah...blah...that he is not married to the mother of his son, that they are not living together, that he could really just be visiting his son on the weekends and have no relationship with her at all and he's just confused...Hee advice was to call him (since he has way too much pride) since I broke up with him and try and talk this out.... So in my moment of weakness I called him. Oddly enough he picked up the phone on the first ring. He asked about my day. Told him I had a good one and that I am thinking of checking out a popular restaurant in the city (turns out he has not been there yet). He immediately said "OK, what time, I'll pick you up". I said I had not made the reservation. He quickly, and excitedly, volunteered to call and make reservations. He hung up and within 2 minutes called back to say that we have reservations at 8 and that he will be at my door promptly... Uhmmmm, this is going to be strange. I don;t know how I should act or what to say tonight? I figured I can act hostile or torture him with my sweetness and gorgeousness since there is no way i intend to sleep with him at all...I'm not sure if I even want to talk about the other woman...advice please!!!
newbby Posted August 25, 2005 Posted August 25, 2005 i may be wrong but your situation does sound fairly hopeful. its hard to tell because SOME of them are incredibly manipulative, but i think perhaps you should read the thread by old europe called something and the art of getting a grip. definetly do not sleep with him. dont play too many games, i.e do not be cold and hostile, but dont wear your heart on your sleeve either. let him know that you have a full life and that if he wants to keep you, he is gonna have to work for you, by being honest and making a decision, FIRST, without putting any pressure on him at all!!. let him see that you are a loving person but that you dont neeeed him. hard work, but i'm sure you can do it. its just my opinion.
Author fermina Posted August 25, 2005 Author Posted August 25, 2005 Ok, I'm going to do a little bit of buddhist chanting to calm my nerves...so glad i got that dress and had my hair done today! Will let you know how it goes...Thanks!
sadlittlegirl Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 newbby: Originally posted by newbby my exmm has also unblocked me and i dont know what it means either, you can delete AND block someone so unless you want it that way there is no need for the other person to be able to se you online if you delete them. Really? Well I use Yahoo Messenger, so not sure if it works that way. Actually this is his home IM, which his wife has access to. He has never blocked me off his work IM but he doesn't talk to me over it either. fermina: My mother called and talked about how if I love him I should fight for him...blah...blah...blah... You know, that is my opinion on most things too. The question is, if you love him enough to fight for him, and if you even have a chance (which I don't, right now). He obviously wants to see you right now. But I agree with newbby, just play it cool. Give him a good time but don't sleep with him or get intimate with him, and don't allow him to manipulate him. Just let him see what a fab person you are and what it could be like with you. I'm happy you have a lovely new dress too!
Author fermina Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 I'm not sure if I should be relieved or sad...so braced yourselves folks for here is breakdown of what happened tonight (I can't recall the exact words but here is a breakdown): So he picked me up on time. He looked refreshed with new haircut, but he had bags under his eyes, so i felt good knowing he's not sleeping much. He just kept complimenting my hair, my dress, and everything about me, and I politely/sweetly thanked him. So we sat down opposite from each other but we couldn't hear each other over the piano and the conversations around us so i asked him to move next to me (is was on a small rounded couch...He just kept staring at me and told me how beautiful I am. I told him that I have been busy planning for my upcoming trips and working out for a photoshoot with a friend of mine who will be representing in the US for a international model contest (all true -he is a finalist). Then he starts with "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but my heart is in Florida." My response: I know and this is the reason why I need to let you go. I am at a crossroad in my life. Whatever decision I make now in my life will determine where I will be in the next 5 to 10 years of my life. I cannot afford to be distracted (all the while looking him straight in the eye). I need stability and sobriety in my life in order to have clarity and make strategic decisions. His response: I have always known that you are meant to do something great in this lifetime. I cannot burden you with my baggage. Even if I were to chase you, I always knew that you would need to move out of DC and live life to the fullest. My response: You are right. I never doubted my vision of what I meant to accomplish in life. I will always treasure our friendship. I was watching Lost in Translation today and thought of us. I hope that we will always have that emotional bond. It is so important to me. He joked about how it's funny that I think he is as fat and old as Bill Murray. I laughed. Then he grew sober and said (while looking in my eyes) that he wishes the same. His response: I want you to know that I never once had any sexual relationship with her. The last time I kissed her was when she was one month pregnant with my son. The irony of it is that I spend the weekends with them but I go home to my hotel. If somebody were watching us on the weekends they would see a seemingly perfect family. I want that family. I have to go there and make it work. I love a woman who does not want me to touch her. I'm so confused right now because I care so deeply for you, but I care for her too, and then there is this issue with my work. Mr. Right is a high powered attorney based out of DC and NYC. His line of specialty isn't so hot right now though and business is slow and he may have to reconsider his career. My response: I have a theory about your situation, but I don't know if we are good enough friends to really say it. He was curious and insisted. My response: I think that you are inherently afraid of commitment, so you want this situation in FL to continue so that you will always have an excuse not to have to commit to your current career, to a new career, to a relationship of any kind....one foot in...one foot out...if thing fail for you, it's easy to bail out and use that situation as an excuse as to why everything else is not working out. Do you remember me once asking you "How's your follow through?" You have so many great ideas, but somehow you are afraid to execute any of them. Perhaps you are afraid of failure...and this situation in FL is a good excuse not to have to pursue any of your great ideas... He was surprised and obviously baffled by this. He proceeded to question my theory... His response: I cannot change how I feel nor can i change how someone feels. I can only be true to myself and my feelings. I have to go back there and stay in the situation and hope for the best. If it fails, then I have to live with the outcome. Only then can I live my life. We went on for several minutes debating the topic and how we attack problems. Sometimes, there would be brief moments where he would caress my back and hold my hand and lots of looking into each others eyes. I caressed his hair and cheek and said he looked fabulous with his haircut. I was actually getting a bit upset inside because there was a moment there where I thought he believed I only formed the theory because I was in love with him? He seemed quite sure and cocky about my love for him. I obviously did not show my irritation at this. He got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back he said "I do have a fear of commitment. I fear leaving behind my career, the spotlight, the excitement of my job to live in a small town and live a simple life" At some point, we stopped talking just held each other's hand. When we got to the car, he held my hand and we kissed gently and sweetly (no tongue), my right hand behind his neck. Then we hugged and he kissed my shoulder. Neither one of us wanted the moment to end. He asked if we could go for another drink and so we did. It was great. We talked about our mutual friends, his ex-wife (i'm apparently the only woman he's ever dated who have met her. He met the woman in FL as he was going through the divorce), his dad (he claims I should meet his dad as I would enjoy his philosophy on life. Apparently his dad knows about me). Then the truth came out...he believes that in order to be loved, he needs to serve those he cares about. He does not believe that he deserves love unless he gives everything of himself. I told him how sad it was because he is deserving of the purest love, and unconditional one that does not require him to give up everything. But alas, he was raised with his notions and I cannot change those for him. We kissed outside my apartment and promised to call each other again. Then he got up and "said I have some of your stuff in the trunk. I forgot the dress from your mom, It's hanging in my closet. You still have some things there). I looked at the bag and there they were, my toiletries. I thought I'd fall apart right there and then. In my head were these thoughts "This is his way of ending things. He knows it would hurt me, so he wanted to hammer it in that the relationship is over..." I was hurt but I walked away with my head held high.
Author fermina Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Then I could't take it anymore...I was hurt by the simple gesture of him giving me my things and not letting me pick them up on my own...crazy huh?!? So I called him several times (he ignored the first calls). When he finally picked up, I told him how sad I was and hope that we can have a friendship based on honesty, no manipulation or power struggles. I was crying and he got concerned asking me to come over if necessary so we can talk. I obviously insisted that this was not a good idea. So we talked for awhile. When we first met, we used to look into each others eyes, he would put his hand over my heart and ask "why do you think we met?" Neither one of us could answer the question, but it was the sweetest, most intimate for us. Tonight he said "I know now why we met. So that I could be loved" I felt a little strange about this since it seemed one sided so I responded with "I guess for me it's to liberate myself from fear of love, of any sexual inhibitions, and my fear of intimacy". His response" "that and to be loved". We talked some more and it was great because I could tell that there was a chance for a true friendship. He said he would call me and we would continue to hang out and even work out. I'm still smarting over him thinking I am SOOOO into him...but I suppose for now I can give him that satisfaction. It is his fantasy afterall. I guess only time will tell if can truly be friends. There is a very strong sexual tension between us and obviously a very deep emotional bond. Perhaps the friendship will be enough for now. It will be a difficult process, but my focus now will be on my future.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 my focus now will be on my future. Out of everything you wrote, this is the most hopeful thing I saw. Its good you have that in mind. I don't think your friendship will go quite as you hope - because I have little doubt he is going to be making himself very scarce - he has just dressed the breakup up in a sadly misleading 'faint hope for the future' context. From reading your post, it is greatly apparent that you have a whole lot more invested in this emotionally than he does, and he was very careful about how he broke up with you - but putting it in such a way as to not devastate you. I hope that you will be able to put this behind you. Don't push for a friendship, or try to make one happen. If he doesn't call or contact you, try to make yourself not call or contact him. Take this uninterrupted and unbiased time to get your head and heart together for a while. You will need to resolve your own feelings before you can consider 'friends' in a true sense. Right now 'friends' to you represents a 'chance at more', and that is simply not in his agenda right now, and you will be setting yourself up for nothing but pain.
newbby Posted August 26, 2005 Posted August 26, 2005 sadly i have to agree with lb, your mm now sounds like the typical mm. there is and was, absolutely nothing you can do to change his feelings. recognising this is the hard part. accepting it frees you from it. i tried to be friends with my mm, i didnt realise at the time that it was a way of not letting go, because i was afraid to let go, and i still had some hope. he manipulated me throughout the friendship just as much, if not more than he did through the affair itself. everything they say or do is to gain these things: to keep you in love with them and to absolve them of responsibility. the most important thing, and the most difficult thing, is as joodee said to me in one of my threads, to not take it personally. the problem is with them, he knew that he was in whatever way, committed to this woman.
Author fermina Posted August 26, 2005 Author Posted August 26, 2005 Honestly, I feel at peace with myself today. A little drain, but very focused. I always accepted that I cannot change his decision. I also know that I have to focus on my future and my career. I have been through worse than this relationship and I take comfort in knowing that I will get through with flying colors. Thanks for all your feedback. I hope that you can get the clarity and closure that you need from your MM
Author fermina Posted August 31, 2005 Author Posted August 31, 2005 OK, since the dinner last week, I have sent him an email reiterating the necessity of the breakup and how happy I am that we will try to be friends. He has also sent me an email with his intention of being friends. I have been very good at the no contact rule since his last email. I am in AZ right now enjoying time with friends. However, I just realized that one of his most influential friends (someone who actually adores me and has offered me a job in the past) will be in town next week. I have lost that person's contact information and would really like to get it so I can contact and set up a meeting while he is here (he lives in Europe). I also would like to get more information on this person's business so I can better prepare myself for a possible interview with him. Can I email the "ex" for all these information? Also, the ex would be more than happy to help me get the job...is this a good reason to break no contact or will this simply hinder the healing process. Frankly, I can separate work and my personal life...any advice? Thanks!
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