francis Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Ok, brief description of my situation...my two year ldr ended in May when he dumped me once he'd realised he couldnt handle the situation anymore. it was awful, i cried for three months solid. i flew out to his country to try and 'convince' him to change his mind. at first he refused to see me, in the two weeks i stayed there, he agreed to see me just twice, the first meeting ended when he rushed off to play football. basically, i came back and i thought that by staying in touch with him, he would realise it was a mistake and we would get back together. this has not happened although he always insisted that he wanted to stay in touch, share things with me, he always saw things that reminded him of me, blah blah blah. Ok, well for the past three weeks, i have really withdrawn myself, not emailing him. He has been the one to initiate the emails and mine have been really curt and short, simply because i've had enough, and keeping in touch has really exhausted me. i really just reached the point where i realised...hang on, we're broken up, what is the need to stay in touch now? I dont know how to handle this. The tables have turned slightly, once I withdrew from emailing my ex every single day, he's now emailing me wanting to tell me what he's been doing, apologising for 'the long emails' and 'hoping its okay to write'...wanting to tell me what he's doing etc etc...saying things like he feels its been so long since we've talked etc... I dont know how to take things from here. i dont want to explicitly tell him to leave me alone, but i know our 'friendship' can never be a genuine one although he may still care about me, he dumped me and hurt me immensely. I know that its just emailing, and he's not asking to get back with me, but i finally felt like i got control of my situation and if i relaunch into daily emails with him, i just cant get him outta my head or my life. i just dont want the false hope back.
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Gosh Francis I feel for you.. I do think that without a doubt he cares about you, just probably isnt sure whether he wants to get back together with you or not. Hey at least hes emailing you! I dont even get that..i get one email about every 3 weeks.... Im not sure what is the best advice for you, im pretty sure everyone woudl tell you NC is best.
Author francis Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 thank you guys, i know ive made a ton of progess recently, i even told him outright about a month ago that i couldnt stay in touch with him coz it hurt so much, and of course, then, he was so understanding and apologised and even told me to 'stay strong'...pah! that REALLY got to me... i think he is quite manipulative, or just wants to keep me in a comfortable place where he knows he can have me... its funny, after reading his email today, i feel i have really changed...before, i would have leapt straight away into replying to him, assuring him it was ok for him to write, acting all grateful and desperate...instead, i wrote my post on here...I got that inspiration from Queenie who appears to do the same...I am so grateful to LS for the support and wise words i have read here... my biggest problem is the fact that he wont be honest with his feelings to me. he ran away from a decent explanation, he became totally emotionally unavailable to me, he wouldnt face me during our breakup to honour me a decent explanation, always putting me off with lines like 'for the best now' and never wanting to cut off ties completely... i'm gonna wait it out, i dont know how to respond yet, but what is the rush? maybe he wont realise how much he misses me (because i know he does, todays email was proof of that) unless he finds himself in that situation because up til now, its just been me doing all the crying, hurting, trying and effort.
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 aww thanks francis its very nice to know that I could give you some inspiration. I am dying on the inside but i appear strong on the outside and actually i have been strong. Today i was sitting here thinking of any reason to email my ex..jsut anything stupid. I was going to email him to ask him a question about a supplement just to start up a conversation but for what...its just goign to hurt me in the end. The bottomline im FINALLY starting to see is that he probably really doesnt care about me... and it kills me inside. I was rereading some of his older emails today from may 24th after we broke up and he said some stuff that hurt me, like that he just felt something was missing from our relationship and it was something that trying wasnt going to fix and he just finally decided it wasnt working so he ended it because it wouldnt be fair to either of us.. thats terrible. He showed no remorse... mind you that was may 24th. Do you think its possible for someone to change their way of thinking even after they said all that... Its so hard for me because honestly i stillcare about him just as much as before and i hate seeing him, i saw him yesterday in the gym but didnt even look at him..how sad is that? Francis, you have to stay strong, act indiffrent towards him and i certainly wouldnt rush to respond to him.
Author francis Posted August 24, 2005 Author Posted August 24, 2005 its that little thing, that inexplicable thing that makes someone want to be your friend or be your boyfriend. it seems like a fine line but it means the world of difference. i read somewhere if a man wants to be with you, he will be. no excuses. its all down to a person's feelings. if the feeling just isnt there. if the motivation just isnt there, there is NOTHING you can do to change their mind. the email he wrote me today was not like the emails he written before. people's feelings to change, but its whether they want to act on their feelings and facing the consequences is the biggest thing to face. but think of it this way, i wouldnt want to ever be with somone who was not sure of their feelings or committment to me, or felt there was something missing. and no one should settle for that. my ex told me he wasnt sure if i was the one or not. should we really waste our time hanging around waiting for them to decide that?!
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 Probably not francis.... I guess its a lost cause and we should just let them go. I mean come on we have been hanging on for awhile now. I think I have been very strong by never calling him or texting him..only communication has been via email but i wonder if hes moved on or is dating. Last week when we spoke i asked him what was exciting in his life and he said nothing much, goes golfing a TON and goes to the gym a TON...and the week before that he was the one who emailed me to see how ive been and if im dating anyone.. Im thinking he probably isnt but who knows.... I am still thinking of sending him that text next week and i know EVERYONE will say dont do it, but really it will be my only initiated contact and i dont see it doing any harm. As we stand right now there is no chance of us getting back together so whats the harm in telling him to have a nice time in michigan with his family and to drive safe and have fun. Who knows what is right and what is wrong anymore...
sami Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 That's very mature, wise and civilized. Wish every mm or ow will act this way. It's hard most of the time.
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I have just learned to do what your heart tells you. I havent texted him one time in 4 months.. I think i have been mature with the whole situation, havent bothered him or really tried to get him back. When he emails i respond but im short and to the point. Sure it sucks and he probably doesnt deserve any responses from me but oh well guess im the bigger person. I am going to send the message but i do know that after that message i will not be iniating anymore contact ever again.
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I have just learned to do what your heart tells you. I havent texted him one time in 4 months.. I think i have been mature with the whole situation, havent bothered him or really tried to get him back. When he emails i respond but im short and to the point. Sure it sucks and he probably doesnt deserve any responses from me but oh well guess im the bigger person. I am going to send the message but i do know that after that message i will not be iniating anymore contact ever again.
queenie01 Posted August 24, 2005 Posted August 24, 2005 I have just learned to do what your heart tells you. I havent texted him one time in 4 months.. I think i have been mature with the whole situation, havent bothered him or really tried to get him back. When he emails i respond but im short and to the point. Sure it sucks and he probably doesnt deserve any responses from me but oh well guess im the bigger person. I am going to send the message but i do know that after that message i will not be iniating anymore contact ever again.
Author francis Posted September 3, 2005 Author Posted September 3, 2005 update, after i ignored this email i mentioned in my first post, i had a great weekend, felt empowered and strong and free from him...then on Monday eve i get another email from him saying 'please let me know you're ok...sorry to bother you'... I ignored this also, felt a bit queasy and waves of hope start to come over me...why on earth should he care? Tuesday he unblocked me from MSN and initiated a conversation with me...the first time in three months. This is the guy who would not answer my calls, refused to meet with me, totally had me on a string, now he wants to talk...I was so scared to see his name come up on my MSN again... I gave in and spoke with him, and again on Wed and Thursday all conversations initiated by him. The conversations were very 'small talk bull**** talking about music, the news etc etc. I stayed away from my PC on Friday, took myself away and now I feel like **** again... I dont want to be his friend, too much has happened between us. he knows how I feel about us staying in contact, i told him it was too hard for me... Is he just being nice? I dont want him to be nice. Opinions, comments please!!!
queenie01 Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 Francis, in my opinion he is just trying to see if he still has your interest, which is terrible but very true. I think its the same crap my ex was doing before. I sent that text to my ex last tuesday and i feel great about it because i can finally walk away knowing i was a good person. I think you should do the same!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 6, 2005 Posted September 6, 2005 By refusing to block his IM's and emails you are volunteering for your own hurt and confusion. Block all incoming contact, and you will be one step further toward your recovery from this. No new contacts = No new hurts.
Author francis Posted September 6, 2005 Author Posted September 6, 2005 thanks for the responses. i know that by replying i am keeping him in my life. we are miles and miles apart so really, there is no point in keeping in touch, we already proved we cannot cope with a LDR. i graduate in may 2006 and we always saw that as the time we would finally be able to be together. his desire to stay in contact is giving me false hope that he wants to remain in contact until that time when we can resume a relationship. does that sound like rubbish? i just dont know because we've hit a brick wall in terms of discussing our relationship, he just will not open up about his feelings towards me now. he told me to move on but wants to stay in touch. are his motivations just selfish, a sort of ego trip? or is he just so desperate for a penpal?
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