EX-gf spreading terrible rumors

[todreaminblue]

i feel you might have to take the high road as if you try to sort it out it will probably get ugly....you know the truth your family and friends know the truth so dont respond to her or try and get back at her......and hopefully it will die down...i wish you well..deb

[Been]

I think people in general never want to take any responsibility and what little they do admit to its usually followed by "well they made me act like that" comment which in an indirect way puts the blame back on the other person.

And if someone jumps from one relationship to the next they usually feel uncomfortable in public because a short time ago they were with someone else so the easiest way to crush any speculation that others might have is to create a negative picture of their ex so it becomes rather easy to answer any possible questions. And most people who realize or think the situation was bad/abusive won't ask any questions as they don't want to bring up something bad.

The problem arises when their isn't anything bad to say about an ex hence why rumors are started as almost a form of possible damage control.

I'd say a great percentage of people usually start another relationship while they are still involved with someone. And most people know that who have been around or lived awhile. But the person doing it doesn't want people to know that and they aren't going to admit that so to deflect any possible questions that should arise they create a false perception of their ex to people.

[Young mind]

I think she's doing it to cover up any speculation about how the relationship ended since she entered one right on the heels of your breakup. She probably didn't want to get the rap of being the bad guy and feeling guilty about that to your mutual friends, so instead she came up with this whopper.

 

This is about 4 months NC hearing this, could the rep of being the bad/good guy

Be so important for her?, I'm trying to understand this logically, the dumpers should go like "Oh it didn't work out or we argued a lot" when asked about how the relationship ended, not such slamming?. In the classic situation I the dumpee should be hurt and running around spreading the lies.

That it why it was hard for me to understand, hearing this absolutely ruined my day, for someone you loved, cared for, to turn around and say such things is sad.

[Young mind]

I think people in general never want to take any responsibility and what little they do admit to its usually followed by "well they made me act like that" comment which in an indirect way puts the blame back on the other person.

And if someone jumps from one relationship to the next they usually feel uncomfortable in public because a short time ago they were with someone else so the easiest way to crush any speculation that others might have is to create a negative picture of their ex so it becomes rather easy to answer any possible questions. And most people who realize or think the situation was bad/abusive won't ask any questions as they don't want to bring up something bad.

The problem arises when their isn't anything bad to say about an ex hence why rumors are started as almost a form of possible damage control.

I'd say a great percentage of people usually start another relationship while they are still involved with someone. And most people know that who have been around or lived awhile. But the person doing it doesn't want people to know that and they aren't going to admit that so to deflect any possible questions that should arise they create a false perception of their ex to people.

Yes I understand the part of damage control, if they are truly over and dusted with the past relationships, why the trash talking?

If applicable to my situation, it makes little sense that she is trying to avoid speculation as she was with someone else immediately after me, I mean not posting continuously on Facebook together obviously would be some type of saving face.

Thanks anyway for that view

[Been]

Nobody wants to be the bad guy.

Think about this. Say she's out with the new boyfriend. And she's telling everyone how awesome he is and he's the best ever. Someone in the crowd of people she's talking to is thinking- "wasn't she saying that about her ex a few short months ago?" So this new relationship comes under speculation/doubt.

Now switch it around and you were this horrible person who was a monster that nobody knew about. Now that same person is thinking "well good for her as her last ex was a bad person". Nobody's wondering anything because shes painted a picture of you that suits her story.

[Young mind]

Nobody wants to be the bad guy.

Think about this. Say she's out with the new boyfriend. And she's telling everyone how awesome he is and he's the best ever. Someone in the crowd of people she's talking to is thinking- "wasn't she saying that about her ex a few short months ago?" So this new relationship comes under speculation/doubt.

Now switch it around and you were this horrible person who was a monster that nobody knew about. Now that same person is thinking "well good for her as her last ex was a bad person". Nobody's wondering anything because shes painted a picture of you that suits her story.

So what's the gain?, for her?, for her new boyfriend?

[LivingWaterPlease]

So what's the gain?, for her?, for her new boyfriend?

 

Ever heard the phrase, "She lied when the truth would've done better?"

 

Your ex is someone who isn't truthful and you're fortunate to find this out. It should make the break up easier for you, not harder, though I know it stings to hear lies about yourself.

 

If it's any comfort (probably isn't) before life is over most people will have some pretty bad lies told about them. I know that I have and many others I know have, too.

 

The best thing to do is to hold your head up high and continue to act in a way that no one will believe her.

 

If she's telling these lies about you, she'll tell lies about others and become known as one who lies. There's no way to know why she's lying about this. Even if you could ask her why, you couldn't trust her answer. Because she lies!

[Young mind]

Ever heard the phrase, "She lied when the truth would've done better?"

 

Your ex is someone who isn't truthful and you're fortunate to find this out. It should make the break up easier for you, not harder, though I know it stings to hear lies about yourself.

 

If it's any comfort (probably isn't) before life is over most people will have some pretty bad lies told about them. I know that I have and many others I know have, too.

 

The best thing to do is to hold your head up high and continue to act in a way that no one will believe her.

 

If she's telling these lies about you, she'll tell lies about others and become known as one who lies. There's no way to know why she's lying about this. Even if you could ask her why, you couldn't trust her answer. Because she lies!

Yeah you are absolutely right , these are comforting words, thanks

[GoreSP]

Sorry dude. That sucks. The best thing you can do is hope the people who know you well won’t fall for her lies.

 

Silver lining : you’ll know who your real friends are...

[William]

Moderation merged four threads for context on this breakup so please continue the discussion in this thread and there may be some duplicate content and historical content beneficial to helpful advice and opinion. Thanks!

[maxi105]

hey young mind, I think you are on the right track here, and I think this other girl is the one who has the "Young mind" not you. Having read your posts you sound well balanced, kind mature. I actually think you are better off without this girl and her boyfriend in your life.

 

you sound as though your head and heart are in the right places (unlike the girl in this tale) so just keep battling on as best you can and imp sure the next person you meet will be more mature and healthier for you.

 

she just sounds quite insecure really having to talk everything up that is connected to this new man and if is trashing and disrespecting you by spreading gossip. all you can hope for is that people that really know your character will see you and love you for who and what you are.

 

I think you've done the smart thing not getting caught up in the spite and gossip, of course the other way to defuse gossip is to talk to those directly involved, but I guess the problem with that in this situation might be that if this has been going on for a while then false opinions have already gone around and to too many people willing and ignorant enough to believe it and or pass it on and enjoy doing that because it is not talk about them so they don't stop to think what that kind of thing can do to other people's lives, reputation or self-esteem.

 

thus sounds as unfair and hurtful situation for you, but if there is any small consolation; you are better than all of this rubbish circulating, you sound a strong character and a good one too.

 

let them carry on with this childishness because it won't reflect the real person you are, it is telling everyone the longer it goes on who they really are and what they stand for. I bet they are not young either are they, i'll bet they are old enough to know better just very very immature and thoughtless in what they are saying and trying to do.

 

but hopefully people will tire of all this negativeness.

 

I guess one thing you can take out of all of is that if she has lied about you so easily: then ultimately she is lying to herself !!!! and whatever she says about that, it is a lot harder to run from your own deception!!!

 

you sound like a lovely person, so just carry on being the lovely you and let these bitter, immature, self centred gossips live in their fantasy world if they must.

 

they will fall down on their own behaviours and I think that in the long run, it will probably be those exact same people that are gossiping too about you who will be the ones that eventually turn on them and make their own evaluations on why their so called friend is still running with this story when you and they have long moved on.

 

VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH THIS...just look to the spring, i hope it will also be a time of new starts for you and new growth that blossoms.

 

your post has been refreshing to read and it comes over as a really genuine read and there is a real deepness to you that I don't believe this person on your back at the moment can or will ever be able to destroy, (and I suspect they know that, hence the sustained effort to chip away at you!!!).

 

but hang on in there young mind, you are already standing much taller than these people that are well beneath your good spirits.

 

best wishes, maxi

 

ps, I haven't had a chance to reply to the whole thing in terms of posts and replies, but I'm just going on what i feel about this from a quick read over. so i hope that's ok.

[Young mind]

My heartfelt thanks to you Maxi.

It is true, I did fight my way up from this debris, and although I'm not 100%, which I believe I will never be but I'm sure I will come out stronger and better.

 

Yes those rumors did really put me to bed, it was hard to imagine her say it, but now I do understand it was her way of moving on too, blame is always an easier way in these situations, these rumors were quite about till one of my close friends heard it, he dismissed it completely because he knew me quite well and decided to let me know, it was the final nail in the coffin, although I don't hold grudges it made me see her in a different light.

 

Hopefully this tread will be useful to someone else when they come into this situation and take it with a grain of salt