whatwhit Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 So, a recent flame and I started texting/ calling each other over the holidays. We ended things due to a lot of excuses. Told me didn’t have time to date. But I’ve learned recently that he did go on dates early on after we ended things. Fast forward almost a month and a half, we had made plans to hang out and when I asked him what he did over the weekend he told me that he went to a friends birthday dinner of some mutual friends. But I learned that he actually went on a date, and I just don’t get why he would lie about that. I know that we all lie. But is he a compulsive liar?
lolgorgeous Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 He lied to let you down "easily". Usually the dumpee finds out the story is a lie and ends up even more hurt. It's better to be honest, but very few people have the integrity to simply say "I'm not attracted to you". Don't wrack your brain trying to figure out why he lied. He lied and he's an ass. Find someone better. 2
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 You're missing a prepositional phrase here. That phrase is "with you." He didn't have time to go on dates with you. Because when he had to chose between spending time with you & doing anything else, the other activity was more alluring. Why he lied about the birthday party v the date probably has to do with him not wanting to rub it in your face that he was on a date with somebody else. Either way you should now have enough info to conclude that you two are not right for each other so his veracity is no longer your concern. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 He lied because he doesn't know how to be honest that he doesn't have the right feelings for you to continue dating. He continued to lie about what he did on the weekend because he realizes if he was honest and told you he went on a date, he'd look like a jerk for lying in the first place about not having time to date. I wouldn't call him a compulsive liar, but I would say he's awkwardly dancing around the fact that he isn't into you the way you are into him. But why bother making plans to hang out with him again at all? 3
act00 Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Telling someone you're dating that you're dating other people is not something someone is necessarily going to want to share. We can make the assumption that early on, before you decide as a couple to be exclusive, there will be other women/men. You don't have to talk about it or be "in your face" about it. Maybe you want this transparency. I prefer to pretend it doesn't exist and hope ultimately I'm the one he picks. I'd rather not know. I wouldn't go out with him again if I knew. There are issues with sex, and some agreement needs to be had about that, but beyond that, I'd rather just not have other women be on the forefront. Maybe I'm silly or stupid for this, but I'm too jealous and would not be able to handle it. I think it's reasonable that he didn't tell you. The bottom line to this situation is he doesn't seem interested in pursuing a relationship with you. It hurts but you have to move on. First he was "too busy" and a month and a half later he decided to try another date with you, and why would he tell you that he saw someone else over the weekend? I'm not sure that would accomplish anything other than jealousy and hurt feelings. I think if you want this level of transparency, you need to say so, and accept it when he tells you he had/has a date. If you can't deal with him dating other people, tell him, and he can make a choice, or you can simply break up and let him know if he's interested in trying again when he's ready for a monogamous relationship, you'll be around. Again, I don't think he's interested in you to the same degree you are him, and you need to accept this and move on...or just accept whatever time he tosses at you when he gets back around to you. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 whatwit, Told me didn’t have time to date we had made plans to hang out ^^^^ You have all the information here. He's made it clear that he isn't interested enough to take you out on a proper date but is quite happy to 'hang out' and get into some casual NSA sexual activity. Don't waste your time working out why he lied, if he lied etc etc. Don't settle for less than a guy who wants a proper date. Don't waste any more time on this bozo. Good luck x 2
carhill Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 In general people lie to benefit themselves or to prevent loss. It's the id at work. Selfishness. Here, presuming your account is accurate, the man in question benefited himself by dating another person and simultaneously keeping the fire alive with you. All with tradecraft. Unfortunately, for him, he missed a step somewhere, so now you know and can make decisions that benefit you. Expect an ex (you broke up) to date and even to date while interacting with or dating you. Your past relationship/marriage is over and in the past. The familiarity and any presumption of fidelity or trust is erased. Everything is new, like strangers. Strangers multi-date, may even have sex with multiple partners when not in a relationship and, yup, lie about it. That's reality. Good luck!
Miss Spider Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) He lied because he didn’t want you to find out he’s seeing a girl when he said he can’t date that evening. How did you even find that out though is what I’m wondering Edited January 14, 2018 by Cookiesandough
stillafool Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) He lied because he didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the real reason which is he is not interested in dating you. Don't try to make plans with him again or you'll get more lies. I see from your previous thread this is the same guy who has pretty much done everything to show you he's not interested. Why haven't you left him alone by now? Edited January 14, 2018 by stillafool
mortensorchid Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Why do people lie? That's a good question. Have you ever noticed that there are some people out there who lie to you about things, you know they are lying, but you accept the lie? And others you don't? A deep question if there ever was one. But I digress ... Why did this particular person lie to you? Because they didn't want to face certain things, and because he's cowardly. Whatever the case may be, forget him. SOmeone who lies to you is not worth it, they have terrible communication skills, and you really don't want anything to do with them. Once years ago I was going out with this guy for a few weeks, then I was waiting for him to come and pick me up for a Saturday night date. When I called to check if he was coming after an hour or so waiting to be picked up, he answered and said he screwed up and he was out at a bar. I asked why he didn't call to let me know, he said he forgot. I hung up, I never heard a word from him again. Of this I am glad, what a coward. Forget why or why not he doesn't want to be with you, you can do better.
Miss Spider Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 I wonder how you found out. Social media? Because that’s just sloppy if he posted it.That’s actually one of my worst fears and why sometimes avoid bar or live show dates at popular places on Friday nights and Saturday because it’s happened to me before where you run into someone while you’re with someone else and you told the person were staying in for the night lol cringe
Author whatwhit Posted January 14, 2018 Author Posted January 14, 2018 A mutual friend of ours. She told me because she didn’t want me to go hang out with him and then get hurt/ have an expectation. Which I kind of was getting that hope feeling since he was reaching out again. Lesson learned. I don’t think he not attracted to me - but obviously not enough is there for us to date. Kind of sucks cause our mutual friends want us to be together. Ohs well you can’t make someone feel something. But lying and cheating is definitely a deal breaker. I remember him lying about smaller stuff when we were actually dating. Sigh. 1
Space Ritual Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 So, a recent flame and I started texting/ calling each other over the holidays. We ended things due to a lot of excuses. Told me didn’t have time to date. But I’ve learned recently that he did go on dates early on after we ended things. Fast forward almost a month and a half, we had made plans to hang out and when I asked him what he did over the weekend he told me that he went to a friends birthday dinner of some mutual friends. But I learned that he actually went on a date, and I just don’t get why he would lie about that. I know that we all lie. But is he a compulsive liar? Not a compulsive liar, but Conflict Avoidant. Where I come from we tend to call these people Cowards. It is not even to let you down easy. It is because he would rather not just be honest and hope against hope you figured it out before he felt like he had to have "The Talk". People like this are worms. You find them in all areas of life, usually in middle management positions of Fast Food Restaurants, Car Washes and Telemarketing Call Centers. It is not a good excuse, but an excuse nonetheless. Please don't concentrate on why he lied, just remember he lied. And that is all you need to remember. The rest makes no difference because hopefully he is out of your life forever. Just think of him as a Telemarketer. 2
Space Ritual Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 A mutual friend of ours. She told me because she didn’t want me to go hang out with him and then get hurt/ have an expectation. Which I kind of was getting that hope feeling since he was reaching out again. Lesson learned. I don’t think he not attracted to me - but obviously not enough is there for us to date. Kind of sucks cause our mutual friends want us to be together. Ohs well you can’t make someone feel something. But lying and cheating is definitely a deal breaker. I remember him lying about smaller stuff when we were actually dating. Sigh. I hate to use this quote but I think in this case I think you'll get the point and realize you are not losing anything by letting this one go. "Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.".
preraph Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 He's not trying to hurt you, but he's also not very interested in you. He also doesn't want you to know his personal business, and why would he? No one needs to tell someone they're not exclusive with anything more than "I'm busy." Telling them details can even be cruel, but more than that, it can involve them in a part of your life they might try to interfere in and why take a chance on that? So he's just being vague and trying to let you down easy, so take the hint and forget about him and move on. The most you'll ever get from him is casual sex and he may have already decided that's not on the table or would be more trouble than it's worth since you're more invested. 4
Author whatwhit Posted January 14, 2018 Author Posted January 14, 2018 I havent invested in anything. He’s reached out to me more than I have him. He asked to catch up and hang out. Why is it just because the dumpee is hurt people assume they’re more invested? Kind of a lame assumption. I’m not waiting by my phone hoping to hear from him, and I haven’t put my life on hold waiting for him to come around. I’ve been going on some ( interesting ) dates lol.
carhill Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 When throwing out a topic, unexpected responses may occur. I responded to the OP which stated 'we ended things', indicating to me that investment was ended equally and that the interest in why lie was driven by seeking to better understand dating interactions. When we 'end things', whether it be like myself and my exW when we moved to divorce, or in a dating situation, any former benefits of exclusive and loyal association are similarly ended and each party is presumed to be 'back to the billions' so are no more or less prone to lying or being lied to as any other human on the planet. Expect it. He'll do what he wants to benefit him. 1
stillafool Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 I havent invested in anything. He’s reached out to me more than I have him. He asked to catch up and hang out. Why is it just because the dumpee is hurt people assume they’re more invested? Kind of a lame assumption. I’m not waiting by my phone hoping to hear from him, and I haven’t put my life on hold waiting for him to come around. I’ve been going on some ( interesting ) dates lol. I find this interesting considering you said he can't give any of his friends a good reason he isn't interested in you and was upset that you tried to remain friends with a friend's gf of his. This guy didn't want to have anything to do with you. You only went out for a month and a half so he really wasn't an ex of yours. Did something happen that made his change his mind?
Author whatwhit Posted January 14, 2018 Author Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) Ok whatever ex or fling - tomato - toemato. If you’re sleeping with someone and spending a lot of time together you’re in a relationship - of course they’re different levels of exclusivity. Yeah none of us included his mutual friends know why. He can give them a clear answer. He uses his job as an excuse - he’s a basketball coach and it’s season right now and he told my his kids are top priority. Yet he’s dating. Only thing I can think of was me pressuring him for exclusivity too early. So I blame myself a lot. People say that I shouldn’t but it’s hard. But yeah no one knows. Edited January 14, 2018 by whatwhit
stillafool Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 Well as you can see he is dating even though it's basketball season and he's busy as hell. If he were interested your push for exclusivity wouldn't have bothered him. I hope you got the message this time that he's not interested and turn your attention to a new guy. There are plenty of men out there. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 Some guys (girls too), don't want to outright reject you. They take the easy way out and lie about not being able to be in a relationship w/you. Don't overanalyze or try to figure it out, not worth your time or emotions. Take your time, move on and do not go back to this guy if he ever comes back.
joseb Posted January 15, 2018 Posted January 15, 2018 It's funny how everyone is villifying this guy, when all he did was tell a white lie so as not to hurt the op. Have you ever tried telling a recent lover to their face all about your new dating? The one time I did it, it didn't end well. Everyone on the planet lies in some way every single day. The only thing of note, op, is it's done and you need to move on.
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