Open relationships and old crushes

[doeblin]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I inclined to agree with central and kgcolonel.

 

I don't think this is an actual quandary in the relationship.

 

 

I am calmer and calmer about Jean-Paul's visit. I might have been annoyed, because I had my plans with her on that weekend. Nothing serious, but I was looking forward to it. That's all.

 

It turns out they haven't even met. He is just someone she has been texting for a year or more. They made the plan of him visiting in January before she even met me.

 

The question of polyamory didn't come up sooner because our relationship did not start as conventional dating: we met thru mutual friends and after a few hookups it was like a switch turned on for both of us and fell in love.

 

You may be cynical about how rare it is, but I am old enough to know that this kind of mutual passion doesn't come around often in a person's life.

 

I am not sentimental. I don't believe in star crossed lovers.

 

But love is helluva drug.

 

 

And all the affection she shows me... well the only way she could be faking it if she was an all out sociopath. But she doesn't show any of the traits.

 

I don't feel like a backup. She basically wants to be with me 24/7. If I wasn't so into her I'd almost call her clingy. But I want to be with her so that's that.

 

Also I don't think being mono, poly, or open are traits written in stone. These are preferences and attitudes that can change in different times in your life.

I personally am closer to the free love crowd.

 

Lastly, I don't believe that your first impulses are always right. If someone bumps your car and your first impulse is to kick his head in, are you right? Or maybe you should just stay cool and assess the situation and look at the big picture?

 

As much as I love Tuco, I'd rather be Blondie (the Eastwood character). He won after all.

 

Be cool.

[kendahke]

I just want to ask that if your starting assumption is that open relationships and love are contradictions, then refrain from commenting on this thread.

 

Open relationships and love ARE complete contradictions and I won't be refraining from telling you what you need to hear on this thread. I"m not of the business of lying to people in order to tell them what they want to hear.

 

No one who truly loves you wants to share a scintilla of that with anyone else unless the truth of the matter is: they're incapable of loving anyone, including themselves, therefore they cannot appreciate the true value of that person when they have no frame of reference for appreciating them.

 

Oh, they can go through the motions and put in a performance that's dang near convincing, but at the end of the day, it falls short of what is required to meet the threshold of what being in a fully committed and exclusive relationship demands. Period. Doesn't matter what lie you tell yourself to the contrary, at the end of the day, it's still a lie and all lies wilt in the sunshine of truth.

 

Your girl wants to have sex with other men, but she wants all the exclusivity perks of being a girlfriend, so she'll have Valentine's Day's taken care of and any other times when she needs a boyfriend, you'll do. Other than that, she's "open all night" to other men while claiming to love you... that's some sloppy, messy stuff there, s0n.

[kgcolonel]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I inclined to agree with central and kgcolonel.

 

I don't think this is an actual quandary in the relationship.

 

 

I am calmer and calmer about Jean-Paul's visit. I might have been annoyed, because I had my plans with her on that weekend. Nothing serious, but I was looking forward to it. That's all.

 

It turns out they haven't even met. He is just someone she has been texting for a year or more. They made the plan of him visiting in January before she even met me.

 

The question of polyamory didn't come up sooner because our relationship did not start as conventional dating: we met thru mutual friends and after a few hookups it was like a switch turned on for both of us and fell in love.

 

You may be cynical about how rare it is, but I am old enough to know that this kind of mutual passion doesn't come around often in a person's life.

 

I am not sentimental. I don't believe in star crossed lovers.

 

But love is helluva drug.

 

 

And all the affection she shows me... well the only way she could be faking it if she was an all out sociopath. But she doesn't show any of the traits.

 

I don't feel like a backup. She basically wants to be with me 24/7. If I wasn't so into her I'd almost call her clingy. But I want to be with her so that's that.

 

Also I don't think being mono, poly, or open are traits written in stone. These are preferences and attitudes that can change in different times in your life.

I personally am closer to the free love crowd.

 

Lastly, I don't believe that your first impulses are always right. If someone bumps your car and your first impulse is to kick his head in, are you right? Or maybe you should just stay cool and assess the situation and look at the big picture?

 

As much as I love Tuco, I'd rather be Blondie (the Eastwood character). He won after all.

 

Be cool.

 

 

D, thank you for the response and the follow up. Just a couple of questions (for my benefit if you don't mind), as i happen to be a serial monogamous individual. Can you help me understand her response with you asked her if she'd be okay if the roles were reversed? Is is possible she feels obligated to carry through with the housing situation now that she has met you?

 

Again, I admit to being biased but....if she's that into you, why would she want to house / have sex with someone else....I ask this out of sincerety as one who does not understand....

 

Also, it sounded as though she was saddened when you asked her about the reversal of roles....what was that about, if she's into the poly situation?

 

Just trying tow wrap my head around this....

 

Do you plan to occupy your time with another lady friend you have...I personally would highly recommend it as it will take your mind off of this situation....just my personal perspective.

 

KG

[doeblin]

Open relationships and love ARE complete contradictions.

 

Kendahke, I generally respect your advice on these forums, but what we have here is a failure to communicate.

 

Strict monogamy is not a law of nature, it is a cultural norm and the preferred romantic relationship model for most people.

 

It is still a model though.

 

Or an attitude.

 

It is not like the laws of thermodynamics.

 

Not every romantic relationship is modeled on a possessive, exclusive, conservative view of sex and romance, believe it or not.

 

And since our starting assumptions are different, we won't see eye to eye.

 

 

Your girl wants to have sex with other men, but she wants all the exclusivity perks of being a girlfriend, so she'll have Valentine's Day's taken care of and any other times when she needs a boyfriend, you'll do. Other than that, she's "open all night" to other men while claiming to love you... that's some sloppy, messy stuff there, s0n.

 

She is not "open all night".

 

Don't be crass.

 

And I'm not even the backup guy, she wants to spend so much time with me I can barely keep up. She is kind, supportive and fun to hang around. And she wants to hang out with me! (Except J-P and her made these plans for one weekend months ago, that's all.)

 

Is is possible she feels obligated to carry through with the housing situation now that she has met you?

 

Honestly, I don't understand why couldn't Jean-Paul just get an airbnb for those nights, that's why I made this thread. She is a very hospitable person though. It is possible they would have sex either way. Who knows? She was upfront about the possibility though. I am not particularly upset.

 

She did ask me if I want her to cancel.

 

I said no, as we are all adults.

 

 

if she's that into you, why would she want to house / have sex with someone else

 

She'd also like to have a threesome with someone. Me too.

 

This is something that turns us on.

 

But we have amazing sex by ourselves too.

 

Also, it sounded as though she was saddened when you asked her about the reversal of roles....what was that about, if she's into the poly situation?

 

I can't tell exactly... I don't know yet how she'd take it, too early.

 

 

 

It would be hilarious if she turned out to be the jealous type

 

It is a possibility that her first impression of me was as some kind of womanizer, and she doesn't exactly like that aspect of my personality.

 

But then just because we are poly or open (not sure yet which), doesn't mean everything is 100% without insecurities all the time. We still could have an healthy relationship, and we do.

 

Healthy mono relationships can have their own problems. Sexual attraction for other people would be a good example.

 

Here it's all out in the open.

 

The only problem really, is not the poly thing, but the dopamine rush we get from seeing each other and we crave it all the time. This is the honeymoon phase, and we want to see as much of each other as humanly possible. It's hard to write these answers because I'm with her a lot haha and don't want her to se my LS profile.

 

It is not out of the question that she wants me to hang around with her and Jean-Paul.

 

She loves me after all.

 

I don't know what my plans will be for that weekend. I think I was mostly upset because now I have to reschedule things.

 

Maybe I'll have a few beers with some friends or go to the cinema with a ladyfriend. We'll see.

 

 

And even IF I get heartbroken by this woman, I am not the sulking type.

 

The worst case scenario is a valuable life experience.

[ExpatInItaly]

Putting aside the polyamory/open relationship debate for a moment, I would plain be concerned about her safety as well. She's never met this dude and he's coming to stay in her home, alone with her. Talking for a year isn't the same as truly knowing someone.

 

Not exactly a wise choice. What's her plan of action if the guy becomes creepy or aggressive?

[kgcolonel]

Expat, this crossed my mind as well....she has never met this guy....although he is investing money to travel....I also wonder if he’s coming to their location as a tourist or to see her. If it is to see her and he finds out that (if she truly is) more dedicated to the OP here, how will he respond and act having spent the money and time to see her....just some random thoughts...She should ensure everyone is on this same page before he arrives....

[inmyownworld]

Putting aside the polyamory/open relationship debate for a moment, I would plain be concerned about her safety as well. She's never met this dude and he's coming to stay in her home, alone with her. Talking for a year isn't the same as truly knowing someone.

 

Not exactly a wise choice. What's her plan of action if the guy becomes creepy or aggressive?

 

I would be worried about this. She doesn't know him and he's staying at her place. You can't really know someone from talking online IMO. I think open relationships work fine, but I always kept my safety first. The most important thing in open relationships is clear boundaries with your primary partner. Your relationship is new, so that needs to be worked on and talked about.