Buriall Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 I dated a girl for 5 months who told me she loved me and I thought I loved her. She was in love with her ex still though - she never admitted it but slowly I discovered it. It started with noticing she text him/he text her pretty much every day. Then I found out he was one of her 'friends' she went climbing with 3 times a week. Then I discovered she moved cities for work but coincidentally her ex had moved here too the year before. Then I discovered she had dinner with him before climbing sometimes and kept it quiet. Then I discovered she was meeting up with him secretly sometimes and lying about it (checked her phone) and then I discovered she had given him a spare key to her house before she met me 'in case she ever got locked out' - didn't tell me that until 4 months in. And finally when she dumped me after her behaviour had caused me to be paranoid and insecure I took one last look at her phone and he had text her 'come over for cuddles if you want' and she put 'I'm too tired for sex and need to get up early ' When confronted she still denied anything and said it was a private joke between them... My point? Do not continue with this new guy. Dump him now but please be honest and tell him why and also tell him he did absolutely nothing wrong. I hope you don't get attacked by people who praise ..oh you disrespected her privacy...you're insecure blah blah. But they don't know this person you're with is a liar, deceiver and the list goes on..I was in a same scenerio as you were..I needed to see the proof so I can finally let go and not be played like a fool. From now on if my intuition is telling me this person can't be trusted I will cut any contact without playing James Bond in the relationship. .. 1
Highndry Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 I hope you don't get attacked by people who praise ..oh you disrespected her privacy...you're insecure blah blah. But they don't know this person you're with is a liar, deceiver and the list goes on..I was in a same scenerio as you were..I needed to see the proof so I can finally let go and not be played like a fool. From now on if my intuition is telling me this person can't be trusted I will cut any contact without playing James Bond in the relationship. .. My ex seemed very sneaky to me as compared to all my past relationships, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. What I mean by sneaky is always checking her phone then turning it off, never reading anything in front of me, quickly toggling from one tab to another on her computer when we sat next to each other (and it was email she was reading), and multiple email accounts to the extent where I had no idea how many - stuff like that. I didn't really care, though, because like I said I'd never been cheated on in my life and wasn't about to start snooping, etc., unless I really had a valid reason. I trusted her until she gave me a reason not to trust her. I finally caught her in a lie, and it was about something 6 months prior which I had a suspicion. Turns out she was with her ex, and something deep down inside my gut told me that but I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. She vehemently denied sleeping with him but my money would bet she did. I will never know, but it doesn't matter because I'd never take her back. I will no longer be as trusting in the future. Looking back, I wish I would have snooped her phone or computer. It would have saved me 9+ months of my time that I wasted on her. She's toxic.
introverted1 Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 OP, it is extremely unfair to the new guy to keep him on the hook while you figure this out. At a minimum, you should make it clear to him that your feelings are in flux, so that he can make the best decision for himself. If you truly care about him, you won't want him to continue developing feelings for you when you are thinking about another man while kissing him. As for your ex.... as someone else said, it's hard to understand the picture without knowing more about why he thought you cheated, what prompted his verbally abusive behavior, and what has changed to ensure none of those events will occur again. 1
Highndry Posted January 14, 2018 Posted January 14, 2018 ... Looking back, I wish I would have snooped her phone or computer. It would have saved me 9+ months of my time that I wasted on her... The entire relationship was 2 years, but if I had snooped her phone when I suspected something was amiss, I could have ended the relationship 9 months before I finally did. I don't wish I would have snooped from the start, I'd never want to start a relationship being suspicious. That being said, there's really nothing else I could have done. She was so defensive that she'd never answer anything ever remotely difficult. Her skin was so thin I had to walk on eggshells. Just my 2 cents dealing with a cheater.
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