Michyyyy Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 Hi everyone! I’m new here but I’ve been lurking in this forum for a few days now and everyone here has great opinions and advice so please send some of that my way! I’ll do my best to make it brief! I moved about 6 hours from my hometown to try something new. I found a room for rent for myself and my dog and started my way with my new job. One of people on the lease was a guy and he was cute. But I knew better than to **** where I eat, so I was not about to make anything happen(but it did) The guy, we will call him Nic, got out a relationship two months ago with a former roommate that was currently there but trying to find a new place. He told me this as I gave him his rent so I told him I was sorry and whatever lol Fast forward, I’m a social person and I want to get to know the people I live with so hung out with him(plus I didn’t have any friends lol) because he was the one always out and about. The other roommate mostly kept to herself. We got close and started having intimate talks going until 1 or 2 am. I already knew he liked me, it was kind of obvious but I didn’t push anything. Anyway like three weeks in, he tells me he has a crush on me. I told him the feeling was mutual, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t a rebound and I didn’t want to start something and then move if we broke up, so I made him wait three months to make sure he still liked me in that time. He obliged. The ex moved out that exact time. We still continue to go on dates, hang out, just feeding our feelings for eachother. I found him to overall be a well put together guy. I asked him lots of questions about the ex that was here to get an understanding of his break up as I needed to know before I got in a relationship with him, he was stable. I started dating him after the 3 months and everything was great. He is Greek and Italian. His mother being Greek. This is literally going to be the plot of My Big Fat Greek Wedding as she wanted her son to date a Greek girl. But he didn’t like those types of girls and didn’t really give a ****. But his mother never liked any of his girlfriends due to this. He mentioned to me his mother was a difficult person and I said idc. My issue is not the mother, it’s how your mother affects you. And this was fine. He would bring her up constantly and I would say the same thing. And it would be fine. Nothing stressful. We dated for 4 months(but it felt so much longer since we lived together). He broke up with me the weekend of Christmas. That Thursday before we had amazing sex and I couldn’t wait to see him. Friday he went to go see his mom and that’s when all hell broke loose. He was definitely in an agitated mood, not happy or pleasant. All day he kind of just kept to himself until finally I had him sit down and talk about it. Basically, his mother told him 1) he was damaged goods because he keeps dating roommates. 2) living with your girlfriend is immoral 3) she’s not Greek. It basically hurt his feelings and made reevaluate our relationship. Enough to break up. I was devastated. And couldn’t believe he broke up with me because of the stubbornness of his mom. Especially since this wasn’t new information to either of us. Apparently he claims his mother has never acted like this before, as in she didn’t validate the relationship. She refused to accept it and it made him and her stress out. He broke up with me due to “family circumstances”. I wasn’t about to give up tho. I wrote him a sincere letter the next day basically outlining the good things in our relationship, his mother, proclaiming to take a break instead of breaking up etc. it wasn’t desperate at all, I was just trying to get him to see what was happening and he’s doing this out his mothers happiness, not his. He still said we should just move on. I couldn’t believe it. He told me I was the only Girl he ever thought about marriage with, kids and such. Anyway, it’s been two weeks and one day since then. I live with the fool. But I’ve kept busy and tried to imitate NC as best as I can. I never talk to him unless necessary and hole up in my room. I go out and run, go to the library, stay at my family’s. Anything and everything. I’m trying to find a new place but it is difficult. I hope to find something soon so I can move on and heal. We’ve had a few encounters whilst living after break up where he basically tells me he feels bad, still cares about me but still wants to be friends. I told him I can’t be friends with him right now because I need to heal and he was so butthurt. I was confused? Why are you upset that I haven’t been talking to you or being your friend when you dumped me?. I know he still loves me and wants me, he didn’t even want to break up with me but thought it was fair and best for both of us because of his difficult mom. Anyway, he keeps his distance out of respect. After the break up, my family and friends told me, “you don’t want a man who doesn’t have your back. You need to be a priority in his eyes. You deserve better.” I get what they are saying and it’s somewhat true. But I still want him back ONLY if he actually stood up to his mom however or that would be pointless. To be honest it’s pretty clear that even though his mom nudged him to do this, I think a lot of it has to do with his insecurity within himself and he needs to figure out what he needs to do to be happy. Right now, I’m not in the picture. But I’ve been more miserable since our new roommate moved in who is a girl. I know he’s not going to date her considering that being one of the primary reasons he dumped me but he’s very friendly and social and he talks to her and stuff. It makes me feel left out and slightly jealous. I chose to do NC but I miss his dearly. It wouldn’t be NEARLY as bad if I didn’t live with him to which I wouldn’t care. Last night we watched Hustle and Flow with the new roommate and my brother and it was amazing. But I was anxious and sad because...I want to be his friend but it hurts so much. Not going to lie, I’m holding out and waiting for him to change his mind but I’m sure that will fade. Once I move out I can heal properly but until I do I have to play this game of “he’s talking to the roommate, does he like her? Probably not..but I want to talk to him too.” It sucks. But I made my bed so I have to lay in it. I guess what I want is some advice and support. I know what I need to do and I’ve been doing it. But I still have to go home eventually as I can only stay as much as my family allows. Would you guys dump someone you love over family pressure? Do you think we have a chance of getting back together in the future(I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking like this but it has been only two weeks)? What suggestions can you give me for getting over this nightmare? What can I do to feel better about the roommate? (She’s a nice girl but she also doesn’t have any friends so we are her first friends.) Thank you!
Happy Lemming Posted January 12, 2018 Posted January 12, 2018 Would you guys dump someone you love over family pressure? Do you think we have a chance of getting back together in the future(I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking like this but it has been only two weeks)? What suggestions can you give me for getting over this nightmare? What can I do to feel better about the roommate? (She’s a nice girl but she also doesn’t have any friends so we are her first friends.) Here is my two cents... No, I would not dump someone over family pressure (love or not). I'm a grown adult man and the umbilical cord was cut a long time ago. I don't care what my parent's opinion is on any aspect of my life. If my parents don't want to talk to me because of who I'm dating, then that's their loss. Sorry to be blunt, but I really don't think there is any chance you guys will get back together. And why would you want to be with a "Momma's boy" that can't make his own decisions about who he can date?? My best suggestion would be to scour every source in an attempt to find a new place to live. Are there any inexpensive month to month studio units in the area?? Extended stay hotels?? You could take one of those as a temporary stop-gap measure until you find a place you really like. Once you are out of your present place, you will heal much quicker. Seeing him every day... not good. Stay in your room as much as possible, no need to watch a movie with him. Grab a good book from the local library and bury yourself in your favorite author!! As for the new room mate... She is an adult, she can take care of herself. If she wants to get involved with "Momma's boy" that will be her choice. Stay out of it and keep your distance (as much as you can). Again, the following post is my opinion.
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2018 Posted January 12, 2018 This is an uphill battle you can't win. He already dumped you on mommy's say so. Even if you tried to get more serious his mommy will always be an obstacle. She will be an awful mother in law if things ever got that far (they won't because he'll never stand up to his mom). Leave him be & make arrangements to move. 2
Zahara Posted January 12, 2018 Posted January 12, 2018 Do you think we have a chance of getting back together in the future(I KNOW I shouldn’t be thinking like this but it has been only two weeks)? What suggestions can you give me for getting over this nightmare? What can I do to feel better about the roommate? (She’s a nice girl but she also doesn’t have any friends so we are her first friends.) I think you should move on from this guy. He seems to have a pattern of getting involved with female roommates, and lo and behold he's gotten another one. Along with the issues with his mother, you would be better off staying away from that kind of drama. Keep away from him as much as possible. Don't sit around and watch movies together -- that's picking at the wound. Try to spend more time at your family's home. Try to find someone who can take over your lease -- if you have one with him. If you aren't tied to a lease, find something/anything to get you out of that situation -- the sooner the better. The roommate is none of your concern. You need to focus on your own healing and keeping away from anything that can trigger you. She's not your friend -- just an acquaintance, so keep your distance. 2
Author Michyyyy Posted January 12, 2018 Author Posted January 12, 2018 Thanks everyone. It’s true what you say, I’m not even going to deny it. It’s just really unfortunate that I have to live with this guy after all this. It’s a total nightmare. NC is something I would be able to do very easily if I didn’t have to see him everyday. We hung out again last night but I felt horrible the whole time. It hurts so much to see him interacting with this roommate as he did me. In many aspects his mother was right—since he has a pattern he decided to end it with me and hopefully get his head on straight. Not any of my concern of course but I really need to get away. I just want to mope in peace lol
Happy Lemming Posted January 12, 2018 Posted January 12, 2018 We hung out again last night but I felt horrible the whole time. Why would you hang out with him?? You already knew you would feel horrible. I remember I was in a bad room mate situation and I was stuck for about two weeks. I stayed in my room with the door closed after I got home from work. At one point, my room mate knocked on my door and invited me down stairs to watch TV. I told him I had brought some work home with me and I needed to get it done for a morning meeting. (I had spread some old paperwork and files on my bed and floor) In actuality, I was listening to my radio and reading a book, but he didn't know that. I avoided an argument and I didn't have to hear him tell me I was being a baby or being anti-social. It appeared I was just busy with work.
Author Michyyyy Posted January 12, 2018 Author Posted January 12, 2018 Why would you hang out with him?? You already knew you would feel horrible. Because I’m Human and I miss him?? I’m not perfect. But I’m not going to do that again trust me. I remember I was in a bad room mate situation and I was stuck for about two weeks. I stayed in my room with the door closed after I got home from work. At one point, my room mate knocked on my door and invited me down stairs to watch TV. I told him I had brought some work home with me and I needed to get it done for a morning meeting. (I had spread some old paperwork and files on my bed and floor) In actuality, I was listening to my radio and reading a book, but he didn't know that. I avoided an argument and I didn't have to hear him tell me I was being a baby or being anti-social. It appeared I was just busy with work. That’s what I’ve been doing until the new roommate came. Now it’s all laughter and giggles from outside my room. I need noise canceling earphones. Better yet a new place. I just wanted to vent because everyone else is sick and tired of hearing it but I’m still in this miserable situation so until I’m out I have to endure it. I’m sorry to hear about your situation though. Lucky for you it was only two weeks! I wish I could be gone.
Happy Lemming Posted January 12, 2018 Posted January 12, 2018 I just wanted to vent because everyone else is sick and tired of hearing it but I’m still in this miserable situation so until I’m out I have to endure it. I'm sorry... Vent away. The balance of your time there will pass. This time next year, it will be a distant memory. Get a calendar and "X" off each day as it passes. You'll see visually how much time is left and how quickly the days are passing. Hang in there... All the best.
Author Michyyyy Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 This is getting increasingly difficult. The roommate and him talk all the time. Hang out and stuff. I miss being that person for him. I don’t want to know about his life, but I do because the roommate tells me. I asked her today to not tell me what he’s up to because it just makes me sad and she agreed. But she still mentions when they hang out at home so I get upset. I know she’s not doing it on purpose. Today we up to a college and I was basically venting to her about Him.(bad idea I know). Just basically saying I was hurt and apologizing for venting. I even got to the point where I gave her my blessing to date him but to be careful considering of his pattern. She said she would have had a crush on him if she had not known of his past things I’ve told her. I basically said you’re probably still gonna have a crush then but it’s up to you if you wanna be with him. I don’t really care, because even if he were to date her, I would know immediately then he has some problems and I do deserve better. I should know that now, but I see him everyday. I know I can’t have NC with him while I’m living here and when he approaches me I try not to act like I hate him but I still give him one worded answers. I get the impression he thinks I’m rude. Not that I care but I know you’re not supposed to give off anything but positive emotions so you don’t look so miserable. But in my situation, I find that exceptionally hard to do. I don’t know guys I’m just rambling because I had an emotionally not so good day today. I’ve initiated LC but I feel like I’m missong out which I really shouldn’t care about but do. It’s going to be 3 weeks weds since we broke up
todreaminblue Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 (edited) hey mich what a horrible situation to be in.....i know you are sad but busy yourself looking for alternative accomodation.personally i would not break up on families say so not if i truly loved the guy ...i would want my families support in regards to my relationship but i make my own decisions.....this guy...well...i feel if he truly wanted to be with you he would be..... instead he allowed his mothers opinion to affect his thoughts and feelings on your relationship.....he got swayed...no one wants a guy who cant stand up for himself and the person he professes to love which was you...so i feel it wasnt love for him or he is particularly weak minded....o rhis love for his mum and honoring her makes it impossible for him to date someone she doesnt approve of... having a mother in law who is deadset against you would be an issue for me...i dont want to split families up...im sure you dont either..... i meet the families pretty early in my relationships and luckily for me they have all liked me so far.... some european mums are old fashioned and you have to understand her views on pre-marital sex....its her right to believe what she wants to believe.....i have dated a few european men.....one i broke up with because hsi mum needed him after she lost her husband and he would get upset with her because he wanted to spend time with me and she really needed her son in her grieving.....i didnt like the way he treated her...she had the same views about pre marital sex and deeply religious........and i respected her home...i respected her.........i slept with her in her bed on sleep overs....and thats what you have to do i guess......european families have strong bonds.......the fact i was a (just ex) hooker which would have really shocked her..she didnt need me me in her life or her sons....too much baggage,,,,,.....this also affected the decision i made to let him go.....we talked about marriage....talk is exactly that....its just talk.....no promises were made or broken in your case....in my case if i had been older and not so recently given up hooking and the fact that his mum hadnt recently lost her husband....as she didnt dislike me.........i might have stood my ground ...he was a good man......bar getting upset with his mum....which i didnt like....she was so sad....but man could she cook.....lol...sorry side tracked..... you do need to find another place and concentrate on healing.....as i dont feel that's going to happen while you guys share a place.....i feel for you i understand how hard it must be.......you must understand he is free to date who he wishes to date.....however hard that is to handle its a reason why you need to leave or he does...i wish you well and take care...deb Edited January 16, 2018 by todreaminblue
Author Michyyyy Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 Thanks dreaminblue. I appreciate your response. Last night he asked if we could talk and it was about me moving out again. This is the 2nd time he’s approached me about this and it’s only been three weeks. I told him I would tell him if anything came up that was of importance regarding moving. He goes, “I just want to know how things are doing and your timeline. My mother has a connection with a traveling nurse for the room.” I said, “Ok. I’m not gone yet and I already gave you a timeline.” I know I need to get out of here so how many times does he need to bring this up? He says, “I’m trapped. This is my house and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I feel like I’m being ignored.” I’m sorry? You broke up with me fool. What did you expect was going to happen? I really don’t understand his logic. So basically he’s butthurt and it’s taking a mental toll. I asked him, “What about me?? I’m living in a special kinda of hell right now. Do you think I just lay around and not look for places to live?” This is your fault whether you decided you did these for the right reasons. It’s called patience dickhole. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make it seem like I’m trying to push you out.” But that’s exactly what this is? God he’s so annoying. I’m never getting back together with him. I’m trapped too and I couldn’t even sleep last night for how annoyed and angry he made me. I really hope something opens up for me soon.
Zahara Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 One of the people on the lease was a guy and he was cute. But I knew better than to **** where I eat, so I was not about to make anything happen(but it did) The guy, we will call him Nic, got out a relationship two months ago with a former roommate that was currently there but trying to find a new place. “I’m trapped. This is my house How is it his house when he's on the lease?
Author Michyyyy Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 How is it his house when he's on the lease? We moved into his house in a November. Up until then we had a apartment with a lease.
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 Alas this is the problem with dating a housemate. In the short term can you befriend the woman he dumped to be with you? She will at least understand how you feel vis-a-vis the women who he has now moved on to. If it is at all possible for you to move, I would encourage you to do so because the situation you are in now is untenable.
Zahara Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 We moved into his house in a November. Up until then we had a apartment with a lease. I think he's pushing you out so that he can start things up with the new roommate. You're hindering his freedom and space right now to do what he wants to do so he wants you gone. Also, he's not butthurt nor is it taking a mental toll on him -- he just doesn't like that you're not behaving on his terms. Any person with some level of emotional intelligence is going to understand why you need to implement boundaries. I would suggest you find something as soon as possible. A month to month can be expensive but at least for the short term until you find something to your liking. 1
IReallyLovePuppies Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 You've dodged a bullet. He played you and has moved on to another girl. The mother is just a weak excuse that, when it comes to the crunch.. He had no problems still dating outside and then use his mom as break up reason. However, it is his house and seeing how you are not his gf anymore, I think you should hasten your departure so you can move on with your life.. Next time, if you are going to date.. Don't date guy with known BS dating outside my face/religion history, don't ignore that just cause he's hot. You've let yourself be burn this time but I hope you've learn and growth stronger. Move out.. Move on and I wish you the best and happily ever after..
Author Michyyyy Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 Not that Im eager to give him a cop out or an excuse, but I highly doubt he’s going to date another roommate considering how horrible this is turning out to be: 1) He broke up with me because his mom was upset with the pattern of him dating roommates. (An excuse yes, but I know he doesn’t feel great about this pattern which is why I believe it’s 50% mom and 50% him/insecurity) 2) If he’s learned anything from me(and the past two) it’s not pleasant dating roommates. Why in the hell would you want to repeat this horrible mess? If he does whatever, that sounds like a horrible life lol his ex was at the apartment for three months before she left(she was taking advantage of his kindness) but she was probably still talking to him and stuff so idk Im not saying I don’t get why he doesn’t want me around. If he wants to date the other roommate fine, idc but don’t try to guilt trip me into leaving when YOUR the one who decides to break up. It’s one thing if I broke up with him, I would have found another place before I did that. Trust me guys when I say I’ve been searching everywhere for a place, my complications however are that I have a dog and an extra person with me so it’s a bit more complicated. I really appreciate you guys posting, writing this out is making me feel so much better and making me get over him faster. I’ve learned my lesson.
Zahara Posted January 16, 2018 Posted January 16, 2018 If he’s learned anything from me(and the past two) it’s not pleasant dating roommates. Why in the hell would you want to repeat this horrible mess? You give him too much credit. He's dated 3 roommates. Anyone would have learned a lesson the first time around. I don't think he's learned a thing and I don't even think he cares. Once the awkwardness (you) is gone, he'll just continue his pattern -- he already is with the new roommate. He doesn't sound like the type who really cares about repercussions. 2
Author Michyyyy Posted January 16, 2018 Author Posted January 16, 2018 You give him too much credit. He's dated 3 roommates. Anyone would have learned a lesson the first time around. I don't think he's learned a thing and I don't even think he cares. Once the awkwardness (you) is gone, he'll just continue his pattern -- he already is with the new roommate. He doesn't sound like the type who really cares about repercussions. Maybe I do. But I know what we had was genuine. He didn’t feel the same way he did with the last two, the one before me was a rebound so it already was doomed from the start. I know this because he told me. Also he’s a friendly dude and the roommate has no friends so she has no one else to latch onto. I just hope the roommate has some sense to not go forward with it. But again, not really my problem. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter if he dates her or not, when I think about it I just feel sad for him. Because I do still care. Unfortunately.
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