New partner is really upset at me...haven't talked in days

[uglysweater]

MOD: I posted this in the Long-Distance subform but I think it's better suited for here considering it doesn't talk much about how we are long distance...

 

Help!

About five months ago when I was visiting my hometown, I met a really, really incredible guy one evening through a mutual friend. We exchanged numbers and have talked almost every day since. He's become someone that I look forward to talking to every day and he has helped me through some rough patches (this is my first year living out of state and adjusting to a new culture). I don't really want to talk about how much we like each other - but the feelings are very strong on both ends.

 

I am back in my new city and back to work. We have talked every day and if anything, I felt closer to him than ever. However, about five days ago some things happened with my family that was extremely stressful. We are usually there for each other when things are rough, and we both usually talk very, very early in the morning as we are both night owls. In a state of panic I called three times over the course of a hour and a half. I had no idea he was out with his friends. We hadn't talked in a few hours. I later saw on Snapchat that a mutual friend of ours (I have been friends with the 'mutual friend' MUCH longer than I have known him and it is a coincidence that they know each other at all) was with him earlier at a concert, so I simply asked how the concert was and if they were still out. I didn't contact him for the rest of the night because I knew we would probably just talk tomorrow. I think it's also worth mentioning I was out with friends before all of this happened and had quite a few drinks.

 

Next day I didn't hear from him. Family problems continued to get worse and for a moment I was worried I was going to have to give up my career and move back home. He texted me later that night saying that I "blew up his phone and bothered his friends and that none of it was cool". I am not a woman to call multiple times in a row, so I simply apologized and said that some stuff was happening and I just needed some emotional support. He ignored my apology and said, "If this is how you are in relationships then I'd rather not, I'm sorry". I apologized one more time and said that I felt horrible for upsetting him. "I really don't like this, I'm sorry" were his last words to me.

 

The friend we met through spoke to him the next day and he told her that he was a little freaked out that I called a few times because in his most recent relationship (which he has described as very emotionally abusive), his ex would call constantly and abuse him through it. Our friend told him that I did not have any malicious intent and was just trying to seek out some emotional support. She has told me to give him some time and to ease back into things. She told me that she knew I didn't mean any harm and that she thinks he knows that as well, he just needs some space.

 

I don't know how I feel about this entire situation. There are multiple things I am upset about (how we both handled things), and I feel like we both owe each other apologies. I am trying to be respectful and give him all of the space and time he needs. We felt so strongly about each other, and it's just amazing that three phone calls really set him off. It's been four days since we have spoken, probably the longest for us since we first met. Since this is long distance I'm really terrified he isn't going to come back, though most of my friends are just saying to give it time. I am 100% NOT the type of partner to call a million times, and right now he thinks I am. I have no idea how to prove myself otherwise besides just back off for the time being. It just gets so tiring checking my phone and it hurts going to bed at night knowing we didn't talk. I am not his ex-girlfriend!!!! I care about this person so much and it pains me to know I triggered some bad memories for him. I feel AWFUL!

 

Lastly, if he contacts me, I have no idea what to say. I am just terrified right now and everything feels so hopeless.

 

Oh - and the friend he went to the concert to has texted me since and apologized for not getting back to me that night. He said they were both pretty drunk and our friend was worried the rest of the night that something bad had happened to me. I apologized for contacting him and he said not to be sorry whatsoever. So obviously our friend is not bothered by me asking him if they were hanging out. Ugh.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, stop being so terrified. This isn't something to get into a panic over. Your choice of wording is quite strong, but girl, you need to get your chill and confidence back.

 

Second, quit apologizing to him. You apologized too much already, in my opinion. It's not like he even bothered to find out what was up before shutting it all down. Not exactly fair of him either, is it?

 

You should not need to be convincing him or us or anyone else that you are not his abusive ex. The fact that he apparently made that leap says a lot, though - he's evidently not the type to give the benefit of the doubt and made a significantly erroneous assumption about you. I would frankly be insulted if a guy who supposedly liked me a lot suddenly assumed I was the same as his ex without even finding out why I was trying to contact him.

 

Sure, I can see why he might feel a bit weird that you called three times and then contacted the person he was with. That is a little much, I concede. But to end it all, just like that, zero discussion? I am not convinced this guy felt as strongly about you as you thought he did.

[olivetree]

Stop apologizing.

You didn't do anything terribly wrong.

Sure, you could have handled yourself better by trying to self-soothe, but he's your partner and you wanted his support.

You're human, it's fine.

 

Maybe you set off a "red flag" for him, but his behaviour should be setting off red flags for you.

Just know that other men would not be totally put off by your behaviour and would want to be there for you.

 

He can't handle you being in an anxious state where you seem to need him.

Given that this is your first time trying to get a hold of him in that way, he's showing you he is unreliable and unlikely to support you when your emotions are running high, and to make you feel guilty and like there is something wrong with you for doing so.

 

When he dismissed you like that, you should've wished him luck.

I think that you need to find a more supportive guy.

[Gaeta]

He texted me later that night saying that I "blew up his phone and bothered his friends and that none of it was cool". I am not a woman to call multiple times in a row, so I simply apologized and said that some stuff was happening and I just needed some emotional support. He ignored my apology and said, "If this is how you are in relationships then I'd rather not, I'm sorry". I apologized one more time and said that I felt horrible for upsetting him. "I really don't like this, I'm sorry" were his last words to me.

 

And you should not want to date a man that treats you with so little respect. You did nothing wrong. He's the one who's acting like a jerk. Three calls in 1,5 hour is not *blowing up* his phone. Instead of interpreting this as you nagging him he should have acted concerned and call you back worried, not pissed.

 

I hate you apologized for *upsetting* him, are you always walking on eggshells around him?

[uglysweater]

I hate you apologized for *upsetting* him, are you always walking on eggshells around him?

 

I never do! That's why I enjoy being with him. I think in the moment I was a little shocked that that was his first response to me when we communicated the next day, so naturally I just apologized if I upset him and wanted to move on. I wasn't expecting it to escalate to "if you're that type of girl I guess we shouldn't see each other then". I did defend myself afterwards by saying, "I'm not that type of person in a relationship, I just felt really overwhelmed and needed to talk to someone."

 

But I definitely agree. I honestly didn't feel like arguing in the moment and was really just shocked.

 

Stop apologizing.

You didn't do anything terribly wrong.

Sure, you could have handled yourself better by trying to self-soothe, but he's your partner and you wanted his support.

You're human, it's fine.

 

Maybe you set off a "red flag" for him, but his behaviour should be setting off red flags for you.

Just know that other men would not be totally put off by your behaviour and would want to be there for you.

 

He can't handle you being in an anxious state where you seem to need him.

Given that this is your first time trying to get a hold of him in that way, he's showing you he is unreliable and unlikely to support you when your emotions are running high, and to make you feel guilty and like there is something wrong with you for doing so.

 

 

 

He can't handle you being in an anxious state where you seem to need him.

Given that this is your first time trying to get a hold of him in that way, he's showing you he is unreliable and unlikely to support you when your emotions are running high, and to make you feel guilty and like there is something wrong with you for doing so.

 

Usually when there is an issue going on we just text. A really major thing happened in my life a few months ago and he called me several times and pulled an all nighter after it immediately happened to make sure I was okay. It's upsetting to see that he has been there for me in the past and then all of a sudden this one time he was not okay with it all.

I agree though. I think it's completely unfair of him to be basically gaslighting me and making me feel like crap (and continuing to do so for several days now!). To me, this is all a huge red flag that he is not good at communicating.

Edited January 11, 2018 by uglysweater

[Poutrew]

So, what else is going to set him off? You one night innocently text him good night and he goes into a major snit? Sorry, but this guy has red flags popping up all over the place. Problem is not enough time has passed since his last relationship for him to be fair to you or any other woman - you all are going to be lumped into the 'crazy' box... if you continue with this guy, you will experience what walking on eggshells is like, never knowing what will set him off, always second guessing your own actions and modifying your own behavior on the bland side. My advice is to find someone who is more stable...

[Gaeta]

I never do! That's why I enjoy being with him. I think in the moment I was a little shocked that that was his first response to me when we communicated the next day, so naturally I just apologized if I upset him and wanted to move on. I wasn't expecting it to escalate to "if you're that type of girl I guess we shouldn't see each other then". I did defend myself afterwards by saying, "I'm not that type of person in a relationship, I just felt really overwhelmed and needed to talk to someone."

.

 

To me, the part I put in bold, are the words of a man with a foot out the door.

 

What is your status? I notice he used the words 'see each other'. You are not gf-bf?

[act00]

I echo the masses, his behavior is more concerning to me than yours. When you called three times over the span of an hour and a half, which is highly unusual for you, his reaction should have been that something is wrong, not that you're a psycho. I'm guessing it's not even that he thinks that, but that he likes the fun parts and doesn't want to be straddled down with the bad parts that normal couples go through. This despite his supportive behavior in the past, he could just be moving on, and this really pushed him over the edge.

 

It is also worrisome to the point that you really don't know what will set him off and what type of reaction will occur. My mother was like this and my exhusband (abusive) and sometimes the smallest thing would trigger an insane reaction that was far outside of normal, while a huge thing would be met with more understanding, when you would really expect an explosive reaction. Of course, anything you do gets put on "the list" to be brought up at any time in the future to shoot you back down.

 

Tread carefully with this one. I don't know that he's worth it. He harbors too much fear and resentment from his ex who he claims was abusive (somehow I doubt it), and he can't have a healthy relationship until he heals from it.

[uglysweater]

To me, the part I put in bold, are the words of a man with a foot out the door.

 

What is your status? I notice he used the words 'see each other'. You are not gf-bf?

 

 

 

No he did not say that. Those are my summary words of what it sounded like to me. His exact words were "If this is how you are in a relationship then I'd rather not, I'm sorry."

 

I didn't want to bring up the gf-bf subject when I was home because it was our first time really hanging out in person after five months of talking. But we both said that we wanted to be exclusive with each other.

[olivetree]

A really major thing happened in my life a few months ago and he called me several times and pulled an all nighter after it immediately happened to make sure I was okay. It's upsetting to see that he has been there for me in the past and then all of a sudden this one time he was not okay with it all.

 

It may have been that he was on his best behaviour while you were in the honeymoon and now you're seeing the real him.

 

OR

 

He is using this little incident as an excuse to end the relationship.

 

Either way, he sucks.

[Gaeta]

No he did not say that. Those are my summary words of what it sounded like to me. His exact words were "If this is how you are in a relationship then I'd rather not, I'm sorry."

 

I didn't want to bring up the gf-bf subject when I was home because it was our first time really hanging out in person after five months of talking. But we both said that we wanted to be exclusive with each other.

 

Ok so you've been 'talking' for 5 months, you met face to face once, and you are not bg-gf.

 

Bottom line is you don't know this person, what you have is the equivalent of an online romance. You see what he decides to show you. A few days ago you had a glims of his real self. He's annnoyed at 3 calls in 1,5 hour, and he doesn't even have you around to date. Imagine if this was a local relationship with lots of time spent together, something tells me he's be showing a lot more impatience.

[uglysweater]

It may have been that he was on his best behaviour while you were in the honeymoon and now you're seeing the real him.

 

OR

 

He is using this little incident as an excuse to end the relationship.

 

Either way, he sucks.

 

I highly doubt he wanted to end the relationship. Heck, earlier the previous day he was just going on and on about how much he missed me and sending me so much music and talking about the next time we see each other. *eye roll*

[Gaeta]

and it's just amazing that three phone calls really set him off. It's been four days since we have spoken, probably the longest for us since we first met. Since this is long distance I'm really terrified he isn't going to come back, though most of my friends are just saying to give it time. I am 100% NOT the type of partner to call a million times, and right now he thinks I am. I have no idea how to prove myself otherwise besides just back off for the time being. It just gets so tiring checking my phone and it hurts going to bed at night knowing we didn't talk. I am not his ex-girlfriend!!!! I care about this person so much and it pains me to know I triggered some bad memories for him. I feel AWFUL!

 

You have a 5 month history and he's now pulling the silent treatment on you. That's cruel. I don't care what was the issue, giving someone the silent treatment with no warning is cruel. The silent treatment is done by people who are manipulative and egocentric. Not the type of person you want to be in a romantic relationship with.

 

If I were you I would never speak to him again. Block him and move on. You've lost nothing, he's just a man texting you. He has no active part in your life.

[SammySammy]

It may not be the silent treatment.

 

He may really think insisting upon “emotional support” when he’s busy or out with his friends to be problematic. An indication of things to come and simply wants out. He wouldn’t be the first guy to feel that way.

 

Whether he’s right or not, that could be what he’s feeling.

 

He might be done. It might be reasonable to at least consider what he’s saying could be true.

Edited January 11, 2018 by MidKnightDreams

[joseb]

It may not be the silent treatment.

 

He may really think insisting upon “emotional support” when he’s busy or out with his friends to be problematic. An indication of things to come and simply wants out. He wouldn’t be the first guy to feel that way.

 

I agree. Especially after he already pulled an allnighter to help you out before.

 

I personally have a pretty low tolerance for these kind of emotional support requests, especially from someone I'm not seeing for very long, or all that much.

[Versacehottie]

I don't think calling 3 times in a night was *that* big a deal but apparently he did and felt bothered. That could be a deal breaker for him. He should have given you the benefit of the doubt but if this is the way HE acts because of 3 phone calls, maybe you want to reconsider if wanting to be with him is such a good idea? He sounds like a hothead:sick:

 

Ok, onto you. 3 times IS a lot--not the worst in the world but it is a little smothery. It feels like you are not allowing him to have his life if you expect him to be "right there" when you have a crisis. Sure that's what bf's do but on the other hand you don't want to always rely on doing this or it will wear out real quick. So I would try to curb that behavior of yours with him if for some reason you continue seeing each other or whatever new guy. To me, the biggest offense you did that is a legit deal breaker (forget that you are mutual friends with the other person) is check up on your guy with the mutual friend. That's a ball buster move and not one that I ever think would go over well with a lot of people. Not cool. Doesn't really matter how you worded it or if the friend felt bothered or not, how your guy perceived it is what counts but that's how he sees it and basically it's embarrassing and super smother-y.

 

Anyhow you got some info about how this guy REACTS. That is basically not cool and he is affording you no leeway or benefit of the doubt.

 

ps IMO it's too much with the heavy emotional support needed phone calls. Not every guy is up for a relationship like this. And it feels like drama or that you are being melodramatic (i'm not commenting on whether or not it was true or warranted that's not really the issue--once you involve someone else with your crisis, they are going to perceive things a certain way and may think you are exaggerating or hypersensitive, needy). BTW, don't see any need at all for you to be groveling your way back to him. good luck.

[JuneL]

I second the above opinion that checking with the friend can be viewed as a disrespectful act. You also shouldn't have involved the friend who introduced you two.

[bachdude]

While I agree it probably wasn’t a good idea to contact his guy friend, I don’t think it was a such big deal since you have known him longer than he has.

 

But what bothers me much more is his seemingly complete lack of concern for you when you called.

 

If you called 3 times in 1.5 hrs, why didn’t he just call you back to make sure everything was ok? It would have been a quick conversation. He would have realized that it wasn’t an emergency. You would have realized he was out with friends. He would have realized that you respected his space when you responded with, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were out! We can talk later”.

 

Did he even confirm with you that everything was OK? It’s really just basic decency to double check that a person you claim to care for is OK when they are trying to get a hold of you.

 

This guy was more worried about his phone blowing up and how appeared to his guy friends than you. That’s the bottom line.

[Eternal Sunshine]

He totally gaslighted you and had one foot out of the door already. He used this incident as an excuse to end it. This is a very cruel move on his side. I know you said that he was saying earlier in the day that he misses you etc but you have to realize that people often go through the motions of saying the same staff they are used to saying until they are ready to pull the plug. No way would a man that felt strongly about you end it over something like this without a discussion. Just. No Way.

 

Now as for you needing a lot of emotional support, I think that you should use other sources of support early on in a relationship. What usually happens is that we women feel closer and bond to a man when we confide and talk about our problems. Men tend to feel increasingly burdened even if they appear supportive. Men are actually pretty simple. They like food, sex and fun. Heavy emotional problems are better left for your mother and female friends. Even my dad and brother who love me to death feel awkward and uneasy when I talk about my emotions and relationship problems. Something to remember for future relationships.

[GemmaUK]

I'm on the other side of the fence in a lot of ways than most of the responses here.

 

I do think 3 calls in 1.5 hours is a lot for one.

 

The other thing is that you knew he was out doing something and you likely knew he was drinking.

If the problem that was going on was a big big deal then it's still going to exist the following day when he is free to listen and offer support and advice if needed.

He has also been right there and as you say 'pulled an all nighter' once before not long ago also.

Maybe he was not doing anything that previous time - we don't know - and we don't know what that situation was and why you needed the support.

 

It also sounds like your issue would have been one for a lengthy call and would have required listening, being in a quiet place, having reasoned thought none of which may have been possible on a drinking night out at a concert.

 

Maybe he has seen this as becoming a pattern with you.

 

All you can do now is wait and see if he contacts you but I think you would be wise to take into consideration his situation the next time you need emergency emotional support or maybe find a friend to call instead.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP, he doesn't sound anywhere near as invested as you hoped. He had given you some support before, but now seems unable or unwilling to do so. Something has changed for him. And his reaction to it tells you what you need to know.

 

5 months of talking is too much without any further action. You say you wanted to be exclusive, but how feasible would a relationship really have been? You live far away and in 5 months, no plans for another visit on either end (unless I missed something) It just doesn't sound all that tangible in the long-run.

 

My sense is that whether you knew it or not, he was backing out of this.

[Lorenza]

I agree that your boyfriend sounds dismissive, has a tendency to make assumptions and stonewall as he sees fit. He should have had a discussion with you and it does make it sound like he isn't as invested.

 

But I wanted to give you an advice, for the future.

If there's anything I've learned from my previous relationships is that you can't ask for emotional support. It has to be offered to you. We can't build healthy relationships with this consumeristic view on them - I NEED your support, so BE there for me, NOW! When going through personal crisis, deal with it on your own, if possible, and then tell your partner, what's been eating you. They should then offer you their emotional support by themselves (or if they don't - well then you have a clear indication of whether or not they care about you and to which degree).

 

So yeah, calling 3 times in the middle of the night and writing to his friends isn't ok. What would he be able to solve? Sure, you might feel better after you talked to him, but isn't that treating him like a sleeping pill or a pain-killer? We need to be able to handle our own problems.

[Versacehottie]

[quote=Eternal Sunshine;7508801

Now as for you needing a lot of emotional support, I think that you should use other sources of support early on in a relationship. What usually happens is that we women feel closer and bond to a man when we confide and talk about our problems. Men tend to feel increasingly burdened even if they appear supportive. Men are actually pretty simple. They like food, sex and fun. Heavy emotional problems are better left for your mother and female friends. Even my dad and brother who love me to death feel awkward and uneasy when I talk about my emotions and relationship problems. Something to remember for future relationships.

 

great points!!!

[JuneL]

Another thing: When he didn't pick up the phone the first time, you should probably have texted giving him a heads up that your family was having some issue and you just tried calling him as you needed someone to talk to. At this time and age, calling a person a few times in a row without giving him a heads up can be similar to showing up at someone's place unannounced.

[stillafool]

While I agree it probably wasn’t a good idea to contact his guy friend, I don’t think it was a such big deal since you have known him longer than he has.

 

But what bothers me much more is his seemingly complete lack of concern for you when you called.

 

If you called 3 times in 1.5 hrs, why didn’t he just call you back to make sure everything was ok? It would have been a quick conversation. He would have realized that it wasn’t an emergency. You would have realized he was out with friends. He would have realized that you respected his space when you responded with, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were out! We can talk later”.

 

Did he even confirm with you that everything was OK? It’s really just basic decency to double check that a person you claim to care for is OK when they are trying to get a hold of you.

 

This guy was more worried about his phone blowing up and how appeared to his guy friends than you. That’s the bottom line.

 

I agree with this. If you normally don't call him a lot and then you call 3 times in a row he should feel that something must be wrong and check in with you. I think this guy was lukewarm about you and any flimsy excuse was enough to break it off. Your friend was right he just wanted space from you.