DontBreakEven Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 This is like, the weirdest situation I've ever been in. Been casually seeing a girl. She's great in some ways, strange in others. We are trying to see where this can realistically go but I keep running into a major roadblock: she wants to be a musician ... and she's not that good. When I say not that good, I mean, she's a decent self-taught guitar player, and she can carry a tune and sing a cover and it sound just as good as any other open mic night person. Sure, I can too. And so can 10 other of my friends. She doesn't have any extraordinary talent by any means. She can't even play bar chords. Anyway, she writes her own songs, and again .. just typical stuff you'd hear around a bonfire of someone's "original". Actually, no. Different than that because it's weird. The lyrics are a bit strange and the way she does inflections on her voice are very odd, and to me, offputting. The issue comes in that she really wants to focus on this as like, a career. She is currently unemployed, other than some freelance gigs she gets for her actual studied major (she has a Masters from a very prestigious school). Anyway, I can tell that she can tell that I am not taken with her music, and it's definitely causing some unspoken problems, and obviously if we were to be together would be a major problem. I don't know if I'm just insane, because apparently there have been many people in her life who have encouraged her to record her stuff and try and get it out there because they love it so much. Of course this makes me look like an even bigger d*ck because now I'm like, the one who is supposed to be encouraging her the most, but I'm the opposite of that. Such a weird issue. Don't know what to do. I don't think I'm insane, I think these other people are just being polite (as I would probably do same if an acquaintance played me their music). I mean, I wouldn't encourage them to go record it if it sucked, but maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm just a tone def a**hole with no taste (also don't think that's the case lol). This is terrible.
5x5 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Well you could just tell her, that you think her musical ability isn't that great. 1
central Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Honesty - with tact - is best. If she can't handle the truth, then perhaps the relationship will fail. But, it will fail anyway if you pretend. I'd suggest to her that she needs a lot more study and practice, and that she should pursue this as a hobby while focusing on her existing skills to make money. The few amateur musicians I've known who've had any success, had a day job to support themselves while they worked on their art. If she's unable to see the reason in that approach, you are better off if you split up, because she'll want you to support her in all ways while she dithers with an unrealistic dream. Really, it's probably as escape mechanism because she doesn't like what she's trained to do. I'll bet she doesn't even practice diligently - because that would turn the dream into work.
Rockdad Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Well you could just tell her, that you think her musical ability isn't that great.[/quote She most likely won't be able to hear that what so ever as she is chasing her dream. Our #2 son is a professional touring rock drummer. We knew he had "it" whatever "it" is at age 9 and so did everyone around him. By the time he was 17 he was in Nashville and got the call from a notable band. Our son had so many hanger on friends chasing the dream behind him and no one could tell them enough that they sucked. Not even record producers. Actually painful to listen to them and watch them pretend to be getting somewhere. I understand how the OP feels to be in a situation. The parents of the hanger ons of our son though I never voiced it knew I didn't appreciate the talents of there sons. They haven't spoke to us since our son made it and there kids had to finally get regular jobs. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 Well you could just tell her, that you think her musical ability isn't that great.[/quote She most likely won't be able to hear that what so ever as she is chasing her dream. Correct. That's what I was going to say. Of course I could just tell her, and she would then tell me to go pound sand. She is going to fail. This will 110% go nowhere for her. Like in the end I'm not going to have to be the one to tell her that. And no, she does not practice diligently. The whole thing is ridiculous. I'm listening to her Sound Cloud AS I TYPE. I could make the same exact thing, and I know I'm mediocre at best. It's frustrating to deal with. Cool. You like to have some wine and strum a guitar. Like, just cause you are capable of doing that and then putting a few chords together that sound decent enough with some words, why on Earth are we focusing on this so unbelievably much??
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 She wants someone to support her as she takes this journey in her life...it's a big deal to her. You can't do it, and the honest thing to do is stop seeing her... 6
BluesPower Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Yeah, but here is the deal... You may or may not have taste. And it is possible that it may take a while for her ability, voice and song writing to come together. Also, a lot of people that say "Hey your great" have no idea what they are talking about. What it amounts to is that at some point she has to get "advice" or and "evaluation" from someone that does not have any vested interest and has the professional creds to form valid opinion. Also, if people like her stuff, sometimes there is no accounting for taste. I have been a professional most of my life. The ones that come out of the womb with extraordinary talent are few and far between. So who knows. The thing is that if she is expecting you to be into her music and she is serious, and you are not into it, it WILL cause problems in the relationship. I can promise you that... 11
Author DontBreakEven Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 She wants someone to support her as she takes this journey in her life...it's a big deal to her. You can't do it, and the honest thing to do is stop seeing her... I know. I was just trying to edit and say that. Obviously it is very important to her. She is very much attached to it, and there is probably no tactful way to let her know I disagree with all of it. I guess I'm still seeing her because this is just one thing amongst other reasons why I DO like being with her. It's just really hard, and I don't see it ever going in a good direction.
Author DontBreakEven Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 So who knows. The thing is that if she is expecting you to be into her music and she is serious, and you are not into it, it WILL cause problems in the relationship. I can promise you that... Yup, I'm completely aware. So I guess eventually I just have to bow out and say sorry we can't date because I'm not into your music. Ugh. Whole thing sucks.
heavenonearth Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) I think it would be nice if you support her in her attempt. If it wont work out she will find out for herself, but she must find out for herself. Surely, I find it attractive when someone is passionate about something. Even if they suck at it. I am also a musician and I am lucky enough that my boyfriend likes my music, but we also have similar tastes, so that helps. Edited January 10, 2018 by heavenonearth 2
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Anyway, she writes her own songs, and again .. just typical stuff you'd hear around a bonfire of someone's "original". Actually, no. Different than that because it's weird. The lyrics are a bit strange and the way she does inflections on her voice are very odd, and to me, offputting. Thing is that the people who often make it do indeed have those weird things they do with their voice and that is what makes them stand out from the crowd. People go "Oh there is x singing, I would recognise that voice anywhere" She is obviously not some person who is very bad and cannot even sing in tune and if that was the case then I would tell you to tell her the truth, "You cannot sing and this is just madness." Maybe not quite so bluntly... BUT nothing you said here, the singing, the writing songs, makes it impossible for her to do well, so she needs to take her chances. I think you would be being very unfair if put a spoke in her wheel, and who says you are right anyway... Leave her be and if all you can do is be mean spirited then I suggest you walk away asap. 1
SpinScratch Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) I play the bagpipes... you think I've ever dated someone who enjoyed listening to me play them? The answer is no. Just don't complain when I do it thats all. Let her do her thing, is it really bothering you? Edit: And another thing.. I was in a metal band when I was younger and we had big dreams of taking over the world. We recorded a few albums and played a bunch of shows, then reality sets in and it becomes a hobby, a passion. Now I just write songs and record at home. None of my significant others really cared for that either. Just be happy for her and dont get in the way. Edited January 10, 2018 by SpinScratch 2
darkmoon Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 how long is she giving herself to a/ get a contract from within the music business b/ have a hit
NuevoYorko Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I don't understand why you don't support her following her passion. Whether you think she's good at it isn't part of the equation. Essentially you "disagree" with her making her own decisions about how to live her life, and that is not great. If the fact that she doesn't work and it puts a financial burden on you is the bottom line issue, I can get behind you on that. But critiquing her talent and making the determination that she's not good enough and should quit? Nah. 8
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Yup, I'm completely aware. So I guess eventually I just have to bow out and say sorry we can't date because I'm not into your music. Ugh. Whole thing sucks. Well, I think you can tell her that you're not into her music and let HER decide if that's a dealbreaker. I mean, if you don't want it to break you up.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I don't understand why you don't support her following her passion. Whether you think she's good at it isn't part of the equation. Essentially you "disagree" with her making her own decisions about how to live her life, and that is not great. If the fact that she doesn't work and it puts a financial burden on you is the bottom line issue, I can get behind you on that. But critiquing her talent and making the determination that she's not good enough and should quit? Nah. I get the sense that the bigger issue is that he doesn't want to pretend to like it.
Author DontBreakEven Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 I get the sense that the bigger issue is that he doesn't want to pretend to like it. Exactly. I mean hey, if she wants to play and write music and sing at open mic nights and pay pennies to record crappy tracks and try out for America's Got Talent ... I totally am good with it. It's just very difficult when it comes down to asking for what I think. "It's good!" is what I can muster. It is good. In an okay sense. No, it doesn't make me cringe due to tonedeafness or anything like that. Not the issue at all. The issue is that's it is merely okay, and I feel like she wants me to rave about it like apparently she's experienced from others. Oh and also it's just hard for me to pretend that I like the little things she does with her voice (that set her apart). Maybe I'm just boring lol
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Exactly. I mean hey, if she wants to play and write music and sing at open mic nights and pay pennies to record crappy tracks and try out for America's Got Talent ... I totally am good with it. It's just very difficult when it comes down to asking for what I think. "It's good!" is what I can muster. It is good. In an okay sense. No, it doesn't make me cringe due to tonedeafness or anything like that. Not the issue at all. The issue is that's it is merely okay, and I feel like she wants me to rave about it like apparently she's experienced from others. Oh and also it's just hard for me to pretend that I like the little things she does with her voice (that set her apart). Maybe I'm just boring lol Out of curiosity how old is she? There is a whole new generation growing up just like her. She is from the generation of competing is bad what's important is participating, from the generation where everything you did from your birth is extraordinary and no one ever criticized you, not your parents, not your teachers. Example As a little girl her drawing were probably bad but she always got a it's beautiful, you are so good instead of do me another drawing and this time try to color within the lines. She will not take the critic from you very well. She needs to hear it from a professional. On the other hand if she is super hot than find her a manager, it won't matter if she has talent or not, they will make her appear like she has talent. 6
Lamartine Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Wow! This is a touch one! I would not say anything about her talent. You have to decide for yourself whether you can be in the audience at open mic night cringing and watching the people around you snicker while she plays. You also need to decide whether you can spend years of your life listening to her music because, regardless of whether she has talent, it's clear that her style doesn't agree with you. She is not going to quit something she perceives as her passion because of your criticism, so telling her probably won't do anything except hurt her. If I were you, I would be much more concerned about her lack of income and lack of direction. It doesn't sound to me like she really knows what she wants to do with her life and is hiding behind the idea of music because she needs purpose. Ask her if she has a solid plan. If she tells you that she is giving herself six months to make a demo tape and six months to shop it around while carefully monitoring her budget, then things might work. If she is aimless and blindly allowing her finances to dwindle, you may be left to pick up the pieces later on when she's down on her luck. Please keep us posted on how this turns out!! 1
kendahke Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 You're pretty much saying that she needs to shut down a huge part of herself through which she expresses herself in order for you to accept her. If it's like that, then do her the favor of just remaining friends (since you're not boyfriend/girlfriend) because speaking as someone who used to play and sing out, having people in your sphere who cast aspersions on what you're trying to do is toxic and detrimental to one's growth. She doesn't have to be a shredding guitar god to play guitar. Not everyone is cut out to be a lead guitarist, nor are they interested in playing leads. A good rhythm guitar player is worth their weight in gold. Anyway, she writes her own songs, and again .. just typical stuff you'd hear around a bonfire of someone's "original". Actually, no. Different than that because it's weird. The lyrics are a bit strange and the way she does inflections on her voice are very odd, and to me, offputting. And Bjork is really huge. Not everyone's cup of tea (not mine), but she's got draw that can't be denied and nothing she writes is mainstream or pop music. Your friend's music doesn't have to please you or pass your committee's approval. Being a successful musician doesn't mean that she has to write pop lyrics and go shop her demo at WB for a recording contract. The pop music model you're using to measure her validity is an old, broken one for how the music industry is in the 21st century. There's room for everyone's expression, including your friend's.
Lorenza Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Do her a favor and leave her. People have a right to do what makes them happy, with or without talent. She might be mediocre right now, but a lot of musicians started off questionably and picked up a pace along the way. Or even if she doesn't, who cares. I've also been with someone who didn't believe in me, not because of lack of talent, but simply because he thought it's not a serious path and it's impossible for an ordinary person to make in the industry without having tons of money. When I look back, those were the years I really burned for it, I connected with a lot of musicians, organized meetings, did gigs and it gave me immense joy. But my ex said a lot of things that killed it for me, you know? I don't entirely blame him, but that passion never came back later on, and I will always regret it. So please, even if she really doesn't have talent (which might be your subjective opinion), don't bring her down. Find yourself another girl. She doesn't need a downer by her side 2
Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 If you don't like her stuff or support her dreams then maybe you aren't compatible. Those are her dreams and her life plan and if you think they aren't practical or don't fit in with hers, then maybe it's not a match and you should bounce before she does. I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with someone who didn't back my goals or whose goals were too far out of alignment with my own 5
Interstellar Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) Do her a favor and leave her. People have a right to do what makes them happy, with or without talent. She might be mediocre right now, but a lot of musicians started off questionably and picked up a pace along the way. Or even if she doesn't, who cares. I've also been with someone who didn't believe in me, not because of lack of talent, but simply because he thought it's not a serious path and it's impossible for an ordinary person to make in the industry without having tons of money. When I look back, those were the years I really burned for it, I connected with a lot of musicians, organized meetings, did gigs and it gave me immense joy. But my ex said a lot of things that killed it for me, you know? I don't entirely blame him, but that passion never came back later on, and I will always regret it. So please, even if she really doesn't have talent (which might be your subjective opinion), don't bring her down. Find yourself another girl. She doesn't need a downer by her side Exactly. Don’t put somebody down in order to make your candle burn brighter. And besides, if 95% percent of the relationship is otherwise perfect you may not find anyone like hers. To the original poster: You mentioned her style is very strange? you know I’ve read so many stories of artists, writers, painters, movie stars who have some very weird style or a physical imperfection and got rejected repeatedly over and over again but became famous and successful; her style could be something that would set her apart from all the other artists. You never know. And you my friend could have a better life because of it. If you’re smart. And whatever you do, never put her down, don’t laugh at her, encourage her, encourage her some more, learn to see the beauty in what she’s doing. Tell her she’s very talented. Love is patient and kind. Maybe I should just date her instead... Edited January 10, 2018 by Interstellar
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Out of curiosity how old is she? There is a whole new generation growing up just like her. She is from the generation of competing is bad what's important is participating,.... They are called the "trophy generation"....they get an award for everything they do whether they are good at it or not. I have noticed this generation doesn't have a driver's license, and only communicate through text.....zero social skills, zero work ethic. Tough to see it when you are from the generation of "stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" lol Time to harden the f up kids! 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I get it because I've known people like this. One of my best friends is married to a brilliant engineer who has quit work, wants to be an artist, paints all day long, and has no talent. That while he has worked at a high level profession and could be doing so now. They pretty much limp along on her income and what he makes when he gets discouraged being an artist, picks up a more practical job for awhile, then drops it after a few months to be an artist. Unless you can figure out some way to be at peace with her decision you probably need to bow out now since this is her dream. Personally, being very familiar with this area and what it takes to "make it" even for the best, I wouldn't continue to date someone who it seemed to me had no talent, had never had any acclaim (such as being hired to perform even at a low level) but was hell bent on pursuing the dream. To me, it's a sign of a lack of good judgment, and self absorption that is unattractive to me. That is not to say she won't "make it." It is to say, though, chances are a fraction of minuscule that she will, but chances are great that it will cause friction in your R from now until your R ends. 1
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