girlinNYC Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I’ve been using Bumble lately, really useful and would recommend it to single people. Admittedly I started using to try and get over someone, and it’s helped in at least getting my mind off him as much as possible. Attractive, intelligent guys have mutually swiped right (right swipe = interested) and I’ve been asked on a few dates. Is it normal to not instantly ‘like’ someone? Because with the guy I’m getting over it was an instant attraction. I’m open to going on these dates but I’m wondering if you don’t feel that ‘like’ initially is there a chance you eventually will? Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the moving on phase or I’ve become slightly hard hearted. Insight or a fresh perspective would be great!
bachdude Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 While this isn’t exactly an answer to your question, if you are still in the process of moving on, is it a good idea to be dating? Generally, my philosophy is that it is best, for the sake of all involved, to wait until you are over any heart breaks or long term relationships before bringing another person into the picture. 4
FilterCoffee Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Is it normal to not instantly ‘like’ someone? Because with the guy I’m getting over it was an instant attraction. I’m open to going on these dates but I’m wondering if you don’t feel that ‘like’ initially is there a chance you eventually will? Hey girlinNYC, I’m a bit confused. You’re not attracted to the people you swipe right? 1
Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 When your 'heart' is still with someone else... ie you're still getting over someone... I think it's completely normal. 2
Interstellar Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Or maybe they’re just not photogenic but (probably) look better in real life. 1
Lamartine Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I'm not sure I have an exact answer, but I can tell you that I completely understand how you feel. Early in 2017 I reconnected with a former boyfriend who had, quite literally, been trying to get us back together for 10 years. It never happened because of the distance (him-NYC; me-TX). I stayed with him for several months in NYC (I'm transitioning careers, so I have time off until my graduate program starts). He broke up with me literally 36 hours after looking at houses, talking about marriage, ad planning my move to NYC. It d*amn near killed me and forced me to defer graduate school. I'm online dating and trying to go out with people who don't immediately stir up butterflies for me because I worry that something in me makes me develop love at first sight for narcissists. I feel your pain! We broke up six months ago. I've had some online non-starters and met some interesting people but no love connection yet. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! I have a friend who did a similar experiment and called it the "year of yes." She met her husband nine or ten months in... 2
Author girlinNYC Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 While this isn’t exactly an answer to your question, if you are still in the process of moving on, is it a good idea to be dating? Generally, my philosophy is that it is best, for the sake of all involved, to wait until you are over any heart breaks or long term relationships before bringing another person into the picture. I’d considered that too, but I figured sitting around missing someone or being sad over them won’t get me anywhere. I’d only be thinking of him more and that would prevent me moving on. I’ve already spent months distancing myself from other people and that didn’t work, for the first time I feel my brain has a distraction.
Author girlinNYC Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 Hey girlinNYC, I’m a bit confused. You’re not attracted to the people you swipe right? I’m attracted on a ‘you’re nice enough to swipe right’ basis, but the thrill or excitement isn’t always there. If that makes sense.
stillafool Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I’d considered that too, but I figured sitting around missing someone or being sad over them won’t get me anywhere. I’d only be thinking of him more and that would prevent me moving on. I’ve already spent months distancing myself from other people and that didn’t work, for the first time I feel my brain has a distraction. Why not reconnect and hang out with your friends. Plan a mini vacation, yoga, a class. There are many ways to keep busy so you aren't sitting around thinking about him. 1
Author girlinNYC Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 I'm not sure I have an exact answer, but I can tell you that I completely understand how you feel. Early in 2017 I reconnected with a former boyfriend who had, quite literally, been trying to get us back together for 10 years. It never happened because of the distance (him-NYC; me-TX). I stayed with him for several months in NYC (I'm transitioning careers, so I have time off until my graduate program starts). He broke up with me literally 36 hours after looking at houses, talking about marriage, ad planning my move to NYC. It d*amn near killed me and forced me to defer graduate school. I'm online dating and trying to go out with people who don't immediately stir up butterflies for me because I worry that something in me makes me develop love at first sight for narcissists. I feel your pain! We broke up six months ago. I've had some online non-starters and met some interesting people but no love connection yet. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone! I have a friend who did a similar experiment and called it the "year of yes." She met her husband nine or ten months in... Firstly, sorry to hear of your situation. There is nothing more brutal than the feeling of heartbreak. Was he your first love? I had the same mindset, because 100% of the guys I had ever been into instantly, ended up not working out or being players. I now have started using this app and it’s fun and all, but I don’t have that spark for any of the guys I have conversed with. (Actually, only one however he is a bit of a bad boy and it would only be a physical relationship). I don’t know if it’s subconscious self sabotage or the universe telling me to wait for the guy I’m getting over (as he’s my first love) What did the year of yes actually involve? Haha swiping yes to everyone?
coolheadal Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I’ve been using Bumble lately, really useful and would recommend it to single people. Admittedly I started using to try and get over someone, and it’s helped in at least getting my mind off him as much as possible. Attractive, intelligent guys have mutually swiped right (right swipe = interested) and I’ve been asked on a few dates. Is it normal to not instantly ‘like’ someone? Because with the guy I’m getting over it was an instant attraction. I’m open to going on these dates but I’m wondering if you don’t feel that ‘like’ initially is there a chance you eventually will? Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the moving on phase or I’ve become slightly hard hearted. Insight or a fresh perspective would be great! These apps are just for casual sex, I never seen anyone ever meeting a true partner from it. Where you work don't you know anyone that your close too and maybe you have chance to ask them out. I did that working for me. If you need to go the online route it's very tough to get honest person. They're always hiding something. Think of these apps like a black book. These guys and gals have so many dates and so many games to play with your head. Just have to wonder why this is. No one really knows but just have to watch and be careful today. Know what your getting involved with. When you do meet this guy just make sure you have a friend nearby who you can count on if something doesn't add up right.
Chilli Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Yeah l go with sitting it out for longer too . especially wasting time with someone you don't even like that much , l mean what's the point. As far as how much, l mean why even bother going on dates with someone that don't push any buttons. l don't get that mentality. Seems to be what so many people do just aimlessly date date date, anyone's, l just don't get the point of that. There's only gonna be one person every now and then , that's really worth your while at least trying a date with, the rest are just a waste of time , that's why l don't date myself. lt might not be as strong as your ex at first but hey , the right one might be even stronger, Point is though basically you should at least like him a lot and things about him to even bother trying.
Author girlinNYC Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 These apps are just for casual sex, I never seen anyone ever meeting a true partner from it. Where you work don't you know anyone that your close too and maybe you have chance to ask them out. I did that working for me. If you need to go the online route it's very tough to get honest person. They're always hiding something. Think of these apps like a black book. These guys and gals have so many dates and so many games to play with your head. Just have to wonder why this is. No one really knows but just have to watch and be careful today. Know what your getting involved with. When you do meet this guy just make sure you have a friend nearby who you can count on if something doesn't add up right. Yes, I understand in some cases it’s like that. Especially with apps like Tinder, but Bumble is a little less like that. There have been plenty of guys who have swiped right on my profile (right swipe = interested, left swipe = not interested) we’ve messaged and they’ve stopped replying, so I think if all were after sex they’d keep the messages going. Whether you meet someone out or on an app, the risk is the same I think. It’s my first online dating experience.
Lamartine Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Firstly, sorry to hear of your situation. There is nothing more brutal than the feeling of heartbreak. Was he your first love? I had the same mindset, because 100% of the guys I had ever been into instantly, ended up not working out or being players. I now have started using this app and it’s fun and all, but I don’t have that spark for any of the guys I have conversed with. (Actually, only one however he is a bit of a bad boy and it would only be a physical relationship). I don’t know if it’s subconscious self sabotage or the universe telling me to wait for the guy I’m getting over (as he’s my first love) What did the year of yes actually involve? Haha swiping yes to everyone? No, he wasn't my first love, but he was my first relationship after my divorce. I waited almost a year to date again and thought I was ready. I'd like to have kids, and I'm 36, so I kind of gave up on the idea after my divorce. He was adorable, my age, tons of fun, and said he wanted kids with me. It's funny, though. Probably because of the abrupt nature of the break up, it hurt more than my break up with my first love in college and my divorce. The year of yes was hilarious! She said she'd go out with anyone who asked her as long as he she wasn't putting her safety at risk and the guy either had a job or was in school. Some of her stories were completely crazy, and we all thought it was a bad idea. It worked, though! She met a great guy. They are both lawyers, and she is expecting a little girl.
SpinScratch Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 I’ve been using Bumble lately, really useful and would recommend it to single people. Admittedly I started using to try and get over someone, and it’s helped in at least getting my mind off him as much as possible. Attractive, intelligent guys have mutually swiped right (right swipe = interested) and I’ve been asked on a few dates. Is it normal to not instantly ‘like’ someone? Because with the guy I’m getting over it was an instant attraction. I’m open to going on these dates but I’m wondering if you don’t feel that ‘like’ initially is there a chance you eventually will? Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the moving on phase or I’ve become slightly hard hearted. Insight or a fresh perspective would be great! I met a girl in real life once and she expressed an interest in me. She wasnt really my type and I never even would have looked twice at her. But I was single and gave it a shot... Let me tell you, I was in love with that girl in a matter of 2 weeks like I never had been before. We connected on a mental level and there was great physical chemistry... It didnt last long (the relationship, not the feelings) but ever since meeting her I never completely judge a girl by my first impression of her. There might be a lot more beneath the surface. 1
snowboy91 Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 I think it's a little like friendships. Some people you just click with right away. And with others it takes a lot of time before you are able to build a connection with them. I can't imagine dating is all that different. I imagine the aim is to know yourself and trust your instinct. If you feel a person is right but the "chemistry" isn't there then it's worth a couple more dates. If it all just feels wrong then it's a big nope.
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