fooloflurve Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Hi guys, i just wanted general opinions, i'm together with this guy and i realized i got more independent than i used to be, i used to be clingy and insecure ( still do sometimes but i feel like i'm getting more stronger and independent.) Sometimes i even feel like there's no need to text, because he is a busy man and i feel like there's no point of texting since the replies are going to be really delayed and i personally don't like delayed texts/short. We have no problems and we get along really well in real life. Is this a good sign that i actually changed into becoming like this? At first i get upset that we don't spend much time but now it's like i expect not to spend time anyways since he's busy at work, (he does try to make time when he can). Is this a sign that im growing as a person or a sign that i'm falling apart? We have been together for a few months and is it just because the honeymoon phase is over?
Iseult Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Independence is never good. Next thing you know, you'll start voicing your own opinions, start thinking for yourself and maybe even take responsibility for your actions. He might mistake you for a man. 2
Fair Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 You think something is actually wrong with the relationship, more than with yourself. You are saying the relationship is in good shape but I don't think you really believe that or you wouldn't have come to the forums with this question. Maybe the relationship is in good shape, on his part, but maybe he's still not the right one for you. See, if you used to be clingy and now aren't... with him... maybe you just don't like him as much as you think you do. But maybe you are hanging onto him because this particular relationship doesn't cause you any anxiety since there is less of an emotional attachment to him, yet he still fills a void. Therefore, you're not really more emotionally independent, either. It just feels like it. Hard to say. Only you can figure this one out. But insecurities cause us to either stay single, or to latch onto someone we only feel lukewarm about if anything. I'm not saying this is you. I don't know that, but I'm just laying out there the way things can often occur for people who are insecure, generally, in relationships.
Author fooloflurve Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 You think something is actually wrong with the relationship, more than with yourself. You are saying the relationship is in good shape but I don't think you really believe that or you wouldn't have come to the forums with this question. Maybe the relationship is in good shape, on his part, but maybe he's still not the right one for you. See, if you used to be clingy and now aren't... with him... maybe you just don't like him as much as you think you do. But maybe you are hanging onto him because this particular relationship doesn't cause you any anxiety since there is less of an emotional attachment to him, yet he still fills a void. Therefore, you're not really more emotionally independent, either. It just feels like it. Hard to say. Only you can figure this one out. But insecurities cause us to either stay single, or to latch onto someone we only feel lukewarm about if anything. I'm not saying this is you. I don't know that, but I'm just laying out there the way things can often occur for people who are insecure, generally, in relationships. i started to change myself of becoming less clingy as i drove many of people off my life and i regretted most of it, i wanted to grow more as an independent person, but to cut short he is just a bit of a boring texter so i somehow just dont feel like having small talks all the time.
Fair Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 i started to change myself of becoming less clingy as i drove many of people off my life and i regretted most of it, i wanted to grow more as an independent person, but to cut short he is just a bit of a boring texter so i somehow just dont feel like having small talks all the time. I guess you answered your own question. He bores you. Can only mean he's not what you're looking for.
Author fooloflurve Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 I guess you answered your own question. He bores you. Can only mean he's not what you're looking for. But we have great conversations in real life, its just those texts... 2
TheTraveler Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 But we have great conversations in real life, its just those texts... not everyone wants to have a text conversation What is important is how you both interact with each other in real life. That's the real connection 2
Fair Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) But we have great conversations in real life, its just those texts... It's more than the texts... I know I for one, wouldn't be on an advice forum over boring texts. Texts are the least important thing in the world. You have great conversations in real life... so... I don't get what the conundrum is here for you... you're either not telling all or not admitting all to yourself. Edited January 10, 2018 by Fair
GemmaUK Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Sounds like you're moving in the right direction to me. Texts are boring anyway, much moreso when someone is busy, they just don't have time to think up stuff to type. If you were clingy and needy before always then his boring texts have helped you get away from behaviour that could push someone away. You say you get along great in person - that's what matters. 2
kaitlynlily6 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Text messages matter but it's the real conversation that's more important. Only you can answer if honeymoon phase is over since you find his text messages boring. Two people can have great conversation without emotional feelings at all. But looks to me like your on the right path. You've had previous experiences on being too clingy and your trying to change for the better. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) Depends on who he is. If he's more dependent than you, it's a bad thing. A lot of guys will start accusing of losing interest or cheating if you want to be left alone for a week or two. Heaven forbid you want to be left alone to finish a video game for a month or so - it will be over. If they come over with their friends uninvited when you're still in your pajamas and have made it clear you want to be alone for awhile verbally and by not answering their calls and messages, they will call you up and batch you out about how they 2 hours and how dare you not answer the door to entertain them and their drunk friends its over blah blah. /rant You have to be compatible in how much attention you need or don't need, I suppose Edited January 10, 2018 by Cookiesandough
snowboy91 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 If you're becoming less clingy it's often a sign the honeymoon phase is ending. If you feel happy with him overall and you see a future with him, and you're compatible with each other, then the resulting relationship is strong and there isn't anything to worry about. You expect not to always spend time together because it's deep in your mind that he is a person with his own schedule and life. And you have yours. I think you're in a pretty strong spot. In a long term relationship you don't need to be texting each other every minute anyway - imagine doing that your whole life, you wouldn't get any space!
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 It really all depends whether you are happy with the new "improved" you, I do not think that you really are. To me it sounds like you have got a guy who is busy, who doesn't text a lot who delays his texts and who you don't see a lot either and now you are twisting yourself into a shape to see all that as a good thing. You have adapted yourself to accept what you have, but is that really enough for you, I guess not. Yes it is good to be more independent, less clingy, but you can still be that and still have a guy who prioritises you, who wants to spend time with you. 1
act00 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 It's good that you're not fretting over time not spent and not interested in too much texting or expecting all-day texts, etc. It's a balance, and good that you keep yourself occupied in his absence. People who are not busy have a harder time with someone who is super busy. I do have to agree that you seem to have some reservations, and for me it would seem to be that he's so busy...but he manages to make some time for you. How busy? Are you getting enough time? Are you always brushed off for other things? That's the question. Is the amount of time and his busy lifestyle working for you as a couple and in a relationship? Are you always the last priority? Does he cancel a lot? Are you a doormat to his needs and wants? I think it's progress and I think it's good that you're learning how to be more independent and less clingy. It will serve you well. Don't go too much in the other direction and come across as aloof and uninterested, however.
2much4 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I wonder if you're asking this because you're doubting your feelings for this man. Or his feelings for you. I know I have this preconceived notion that the clingier you are, the greater your feelings for this person. Maybe you think if it were the "real thing" you'd be way clingier and not as relaxed. If it works for you, if you're happy, just stop thinking about it =) Feeling anxiety over your relationship will only make you miserable, it's not an indication of how much you like the person. If you're losing interest, that's something entirely different, but from your other posts it doesn't look that way.
stillafool Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Hi guys, i just wanted general opinions, i'm together with this guy and i realized i got more independent than i used to be, i used to be clingy and insecure ( still do sometimes but i feel like i'm getting more stronger and independent.) Sometimes i even feel like there's no need to text, because he is a busy man and i feel like there's no point of texting since the replies are going to be really delayed and i personally don't like delayed texts/short. We have no problems and we get along really well in real life. Is this a good sign that i actually changed into becoming like this? At first i get upset that we don't spend much time but now it's like i expect not to spend time anyways since he's busy at work, (he does try to make time when he can). Is this a sign that im growing as a person or a sign that i'm falling apart? We have been together for a few months and is it just because the honeymoon phase is over? Not at all. If you two are comfortable with the amount of communication you have that is all that matters. It's a good thing that you have calmed down your clingyness.
Gaeta Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Welcome to adulthood where both parties can have their own separate life and still be a happy and fulfilled. Not feeling cligny isn't a red flag, it's a sign of maturity. You've been dating a few months you don't need to text, call each other to touch base and keep all your stories for when you're together. If you don't see him often enough that's another story. 1
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