Am I getting slow faded or am I just anxious

[No_Go]

<snip>

 

He attempted to contact me a few times after that and I finally read a lengthy email he sent. It was a play by play account of our 6 weeks of dating. Even remembering little details that he read as red flags in my behaviour. This stuff was something I was totally unaware of. I had no idea that I did anything wrong. He also had no idea that I was as interested as I was and that my feelings were even hurt.

 

I mean yeah, this guy sucked. His communication skills were non-existent and he should have said something instead of ghosting. At the same time, I could see things from his angle too. I have never had anyone be so blunt about my actions.

 

We didn't work things out but I thanked him for the lengthy account of everything and things were left on a more positive note. It also enabled me to move on and get the sense of peace about the whole situation and learn some lessons for future dating.

 

So yeah, sometimes dignity is overrated.

 

Woah, it is actually that he gave you this information. Usually my best outcome of interactions with exes (besides the sex ) is this: honest uninhibited feedback. I'm curious - do you agree with his assessment? Or was he going on the 'one woman said it is a red flag' route?

Edited January 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Versacehottie]

Hello all! I'm having a particularly anxiety filled day and I wanted to share an update and get some general advice.

 

After our last texting exchange in which he told me to have a good trip and then said he was going to be super busy with work and school, I never texted back. I went on my trip. In the middle of my trip I posted a snapchat of me being goofy. I had posted a few snapchats at this point and he had watched them all. This one he replied to and asked a question. I answered via snapchat. Then he said "Well you look cute and I can see you are having a great time." All I said was "Thanks I am!"

 

Two days later while still on my trip he texted me about the terrible weather our hometown was having. I told him about the weather I was experiencing. This conversation went on for about two hours with 15-20 min breaks in between texts from both of us. He told me about a place he wants to go hiking out of the country that I had never heard of. His texts were flirty-ish but not overly so. I was very careful to NOT be flirty back but stay polite. (And to be honest, yes I did like him and it sucks that he is slow fading me so while I should have ignored him I didn't, you all can yell at me.)

 

Three days later (and two days after I returned) he text me AGAIN a picture of the place he had mentioned hiking before. I said it looked pretty. We texted about the place a little back and forth. Then he said "how has the rest of your trip gone?" I said "I returned two days ago, it was great." (I told him twice before the days I would be gone.) Then he said "Glad you enjoyed your trip, I look forward to hearing all about it" Then said how he was heading the two hours up to his classes for the weekend. All I said was "have a good weekend!" That was on Friday afternoon. Its now Tuesday.

 

I was distracted on my trip so I didn't pay attention to my phone or care who texted me, let alone him. I just feel that unsettled feeling. I am NOT going to go out with this guy again. But I HATE that I am waiting on his text to tell him that. Like why is he even texting me anyway? Why say "cant wait to hear about it!" when you haven't mentioned going out again in two weeks? He obviously went from being all about it, to nothing, so why text me?

Also, he has watched all of my snap chats since returning home as well. When I'm no longer interested in a guy I don't interact with their social media at all (even we are even friends) because I legitimately don't care.

 

I know whats going to happen. The days will pass and I will start to move on and one day in like two weeks from now he will text me randomly and Ill get sad/anxious all over again. I hate that people will keep dangling people along like that.

 

sigh....ok why do things have to be so black and white? If you don't like him anymore than him trying to contact you would be amusing and you wouldn't need to respond. Here's the thing i see with all anxious people (and it's super frustrating as i imagine it is for the people that have to deal with them): what's with arbitrary measuring sticks? And the only sifting through negative possible outcomes. Since that is all you can see it almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and in the meantime you are torturing yourself because you cut off a guy premature to what you really want to do and based on some silly timeline in your head that means nothing to the other person. He took you out 4 times in 6 weeks, right? A little on the slow side but he treated you well right? Yet here you are betting the farm on this guy and letting your thoughts be controlled by what may or may not happen. Even sillier since now you claim not to like him or going to accept an invite from him, just waiting for an ask so you can tell him off. You know how backwards that is?

 

Why not imagine a positive outcome? With him, with the next guy, with yourself for making the right choice regarding him whichever you chose? Right now you are letting your anxiety RUN and RUIN your life rather than learning to "sit with it for a while". You can't control the outcome of a lot of situations especially those where others are involved like a relationship. You need to ACCEPT that getting INTO a relationship will require some risk and a small fraction of them are everything you hoped they would be while the rest are a quest to find that fraction. By focusing on being faded on obsessively, you are kinda willing that to happen. Heck you are actually now the one doing to him which is ironic! As far as i can see mainly because you were leaving on a trip had a small window of time before your departure in which you "hoped" to see him. And all you did to try to secure that was mention the dates of your trip rather than just ask to see him. Anxious people almost prefer to deal in speculation rather than facts and communication. Let's look at the facts:

 

*he communicated with you a bit while on the trip--totally appropriate for someone you have gone out with 4 times

*he's contacted you once you were back. And even though you've been standoffish and are not really bringing your best when you are communicating with him, he's still trying to communicate. ps you can pull back when someone is not meeting your expectations but if you communicate with them during this time, make him see what he is missing by being your best self not being in a snit and boring which than he will think should not pursue.

*you seem/are conflicted about this guy. on one hand you want to cut him off and on the other you are still obsessing over his reasons for this, that, waiting for him to ask you out so you can tell him no and communicating with him slightly which keeps you invested and stewing.

*this is not the best use of your time to find a dream guy OR put this relationship on track. There is nothing wrong with letting him sit on the back burner until he steps it up but anxious people really never seem to be able to do that because they are always trying to outstrategize to manage their anxiety really.

 

Bottom line if you like him, do something about it constructively. If you don't, move on constructively. One of the BIGGEST problem with anxious people is that their objectives and intentions aren't clear, therefore everything that comes afterward isn't either. You have three simple pathways to decide from:

A. Continue with this guy (more wholeheartedly)

B. Cut him off

C. Choose a middle ground, gather more information, lower unreasonable expectations (this one is super hard for anxious people to do though i go back to what i said at the beginning that not everything is black and white as anxious people push for to sooth their anxiety, damn everything else). This is the best option to me but all three are valid and you may choose B just because you cannot do the others. For god's sake though if you choose B than cut him off already and stop letting him into your thoughts. You don't need to wait for him to ask you out, just pre-empt that and tell him you don't think you guys are a match or well-suited. And already i can hear you saying that he doesn't deserve that--but YOU believe people shouldn't fade so don't be a hypocrite and just do that if you don't want to date him anymore.

Edited January 24, 2018 by Versacehottie

[Mkn1010]

This guy lied about the days he way supposedly away for Christmas- STANDARDS- enough said

Edited January 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[MaleIntuition]

Maybe I missed something important. But this seems like a case of you being your worst enemy.

 

When he snap-chatted his busy schedule, that was most likely an attempt to brag; “look how important I am”. It’s common for young professionals to be proud of their work, especially if they where recently promoted (?). Yet, you took this as something negative, when I think he was trying to impress you.

 

The tricky part with dating is that almost all situations could be interpreted in multiple ways. Anxiety makes you assume the worst, even if that is not always the case. His texting during your vacation seemed appropriate for someone interested.

 

Obviously there are no guarantees, but he might be waiting for you to take some initiative or show more interest before asking you out again.

[LivingWaterPlease]

This guy lied about the days he way supposedly away for Christmas- STANDARDS- enough said

 

^^^^

This.

 

Would be enough for me to cross him off my list from dating or communicating with in any way again.

 

The things he's texting you, how do you know they are even true? They may be. But, once you catch someone in a lie everything the person tells you after that is suspect.