Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) nvm I think I am just confused by terminology but overall I understand Edited January 10, 2018 by Cookiesandough
Versacehottie Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 oh and to answer your original question as to if you made a mistake by clearing your schedule before your trip/keeping it open IN HOPES that he would ask you out AND letting him know your days your were free, yeah I think that was a mistake. Equivalent of begging. i'm friends with lots of guys and that kind of thing doesn't go over well, well rarely. And it immediately lowers your value in their eyes. I think in some respects it makes guys think you are already treating the dating like a relationship and they lose some interest and pull back because of that. And let's face it, no chase. Sometimes you just need to let logistics of you going away for that amount of time and no date the couple of days before just pass by. It pretty much lets you know either where you stand with the guy (not quite a priority yet, maybe never) OR how the guy functions (last minute planner, little scattered, timid or lazy about planning dates or selfish with his other stuff going on in his life or just kinda clueless putting two and two together). Most important that you have kept moving forward and if he wasn't savvy enough to book a date with you, he'd have to wait a week or so. BTW, to lots of guys, even guys who actually like you (which this one could), they don't really think a date a week away is a long time to wait, whereas most girls are in a hurry to go! Your guy has a lot of other priorities. I think your current approach (of wanting to call it off without any info from his side) is too black and white for my taste. Life doesn't usually happen in absolutes or arbitrary things. In effect, you are asking him to play by rules that he has no idea of what they are (your timetable and assumptions about what everything "means" and wanting some guarantee that this will go serious). ps people can rarely give the serious guarantee because it is always dependent on who they discover (i.e. you) and your combo as a duo, which has to be experienced for the "serious" to come to fruition. Most guys who say they are looking for serious probably mean that but they always mean "with the right person". Which I would think most girls do too but I think they get worked up about the issue a heck of a lot more whereas guys go with the flow a bit more. Dating norms are in their favor which may be why girls focus on end goals and get anxious due to dating structure but it really doesn't do them any favors. And the structure is what it is. 2
todreaminblue Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) i do believe in being confident in a relationship not only in yourself though..but in the person you want to be with.....you should be able to be confident enough to be vulnerable.....if you cant be vulnerable and have to project confidence at all times...is that who you are really ...when what you practice is to hide your vulnerability...everyone is vulnerable in some way....it is what makes us able to love another imperfect human.....and to be loved ......confidence is great......but if you cant be vulnerable enough to let someone see your heart and know how you need to be loved....yep need...its a human characteristic however much denied we need to be loved..... ...if you cant express this and be open and honest...confidence you have is purely for show...its a lot harder to be confident enough to b e.....open hearted and honest about your insecurities...if a guy would walk away after you being this way with him or him possibly being turned off by the fact you have been hurt before and trusted guys and or used........does he truly deserve to have an honest love like yours....nope... he doesnt...and unfortunately for him as i have found in my experience guys like this dont figure out what they have ...until its gone.then they want you back and refuse to let go.... ........find a guy who can appreciate your honesty and respect you for being able to be vulnerable a guy able to recognise true courage and emotional strength enough to lay it out there...... and who appreciates your open heart ....because then....you will find a guy who deserves your love and your precious time........to fall in love.....really fall for someone.....you have to be able to show your heart ......deb Edited January 10, 2018 by todreaminblue 4
Author Mx12345 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 oh and to answer your original question as to if you made a mistake by clearing your schedule before your trip/keeping it open IN HOPES that he would ask you out AND letting him know your days your were free, yeah I think that was a mistake. Equivalent of begging. i'm friends with lots of guys and that kind of thing doesn't go over well, well rarely. And it immediately lowers your value in their eyes. I think in some respects it makes guys think you are already treating the dating like a relationship and they lose some interest and pull back because of that. And let's face it, no chase. Sometimes you just need to let logistics of you going away for that amount of time and no date the couple of days before just pass by. It pretty much lets you know either where you stand with the guy (not quite a priority yet, maybe never) OR how the guy functions (last minute planner, little scattered, timid or lazy about planning dates or selfish with his other stuff going on in his life or just kinda clueless putting two and two together). Most important that you have kept moving forward and if he wasn't savvy enough to book a date with you, he'd have to wait a week or so. BTW, to lots of guys, even guys who actually like you (which this one could), they don't really think a date a week away is a long time to wait, whereas most girls are in a hurry to go! Your guy has a lot of other priorities. I think your current approach (of wanting to call it off without any info from his side) is too black and white for my taste. Life doesn't usually happen in absolutes or arbitrary things. In effect, you are asking him to play by rules that he has no idea of what they are (your timetable and assumptions about what everything "means" and wanting some guarantee that this will go serious). ps people can rarely give the serious guarantee because it is always dependent on who they discover (i.e. you) and your combo as a duo, which has to be experienced for the "serious" to come to fruition. Most guys who say they are looking for serious probably mean that but they always mean "with the right person". Which I would think most girls do too but I think they get worked up about the issue a heck of a lot more whereas guys go with the flow a bit more. Dating norms are in their favor which may be why girls focus on end goals and get anxious due to dating structure but it really doesn't do them any favors. And the structure is what it is. This is one of the reasons I know I’m getting the slow fade. He has planned/set up all of our dates very soon after the last date has ended. IN fact, he’s set up future dates before another one has happened. He set up NYE before date 3 and set up hiking before NYE while we were on date 4. So the fact that I haven’t heard from him in three Whole days except to answer my one text, plus he hasn’t mentioned seeing me again. He knew I was leaving Thursday night. He could have set up a date for any day before I left. He IS a planner. He’s the person who set up NYE for his friends. I realize that bc I have anxiety, waiting a week for a date seems like a long time. But prior to this it wasn’t an issue bc he was setting up future dates. I do feel like I’ve gotten info from his side. His actions have told me he’s not interested in anything serious. He cancelled our date and lied about it. I haven’t heard from him in three days. He’s made no plans to see me before I left or when I get back, and he wasn’t affectionate our last two dates except at the end when he had had 4-5 drinks.
Mkn1010 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 i do believe in being confident in a relationship not only in yourself though..but in the person you want to be with.....you should be able to be confident enough to be vulnerable.....if you cant be vulnerable and have to project confidence at all times...is that who you are really ...when what you practice is to hide your vulnerability...everyone is vulnerable in some way....it is what makes us able to love another imperfect human.....and to be loved ......confidence is great......but if you cant be vulnerable enough to let someone see your heart and know how you need to be loved....yep need...its a human characteristic however much denied we need to be loved..... ...if you cant express this and be open and honest...confidence you have is purely for show...its a lot harder to be confident enough to b e.....open hearted and honest about your insecurities...if a guy would walk away after you being this way with him or him possibly being turned off by the fact you have been hurt before and trusted guys and or used........does he truly deserve to have an honest love like yours....nope... he doesnt...and unfortunately for him as i have found in my experience guys like this dont figure out what they have ...until its gone.then they want you back and refuse to let go.... ........find a guy who can appreciate your honesty and respect you for being able to be vulnerable a guy able to recognise true courage and emotional strength enough to lay it out there...... and who appreciates your open heart ....because then....you will find a guy who deserves your love and your precious time........to fall in love.....really fall for someone.....you have to be able to show your heart ......deb Love this! Some of the most insecure people 'act confident' when in reality there's a ton of cr*p going on inside them that they never have the true confidence to reveal. OP, you did nothing wrong in being real and showing your vulnerabilities (eg that men leave after sex), that is what TRUE confidence is about - not the type of confidence advocated for here where you subscribe to a game of trying to appear more 'valuable' to the man! I'm pretty sure that sh*t is spouted everywhere on the net on 'how to catch the guy' websites for losers. Please read 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and then you will realize the fallacy (that the posters here speak of) in covering up your vulnerabilities as a testament to 'confidence'. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I am not a naturally confident person. There is gotta be someone out there that values vulnerability and openess. I don't see anything wrong with what OP did. I hate playing all these games to keep the man interested and pretzeling myself into something I am not so that he would feel like there is "chase". I would rather be single. My "value" should be obvious to the right person. 4
Mkn1010 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I am not a naturally confident person. There is gotta be someone out there that values vulnerability and openess. I don't see anything wrong with what OP did. I hate playing all these games to keep the man interested and pretzeling myself into something I am not so that he would feel like there is "chase". I would rather be single. My "value" should be obvious to the right person. Correct every day of the week! 1
TheTraveler Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 This is all pretty simple If men like you? They like you. They will want to spend time with you Same goes for women 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 It sounds like he wanted a date for holiday functions and events. 1
Versacehottie Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 This is one of the reasons I know I’m getting the slow fade. He has planned/set up all of our dates very soon after the last date has ended. IN fact, he’s set up future dates before another one has happened. He set up NYE before date 3 and set up hiking before NYE while we were on date 4. So the fact that I haven’t heard from him in three Whole days except to answer my one text, plus he hasn’t mentioned seeing me again. He knew I was leaving Thursday night. He could have set up a date for any day before I left. He IS a planner. He’s the person who set up NYE for his friends. I realize that bc I have anxiety, waiting a week for a date seems like a long time. But prior to this it wasn’t an issue bc he was setting up future dates. I do feel like I’ve gotten info from his side. His actions have told me he’s not interested in anything serious. He cancelled our date and lied about it. I haven’t heard from him in three days. He’s made no plans to see me before I left or when I get back, and he wasn’t affectionate our last two dates except at the end when he had had 4-5 drinks. ok fair enough. Big problem though is that you are still making it about what everything "means" and all from his point of view. If you told me that same laundry list above but from the perspective of what you want and how what he is doing doesn't work for you that is how you should be treating yourself. AND it should relieve your anxiety a bit. A lot of the time people are anxious because they let people hold all the cards and then--let's say in your example--they pull the plug on the relationship as a knee jerk reaction or as a strategy rather than because it is really what they WANT to do. Also you need to realize that people in our lives aren't going to do things perfectly and everything just fall in place magically, you need to speak up and ask for what you want. I think all a lot of the anxious threads i read on here when they do "speak up" (which i wouldn't really call it that but I digress), do it from the perspective of "this is already done, right?", accusatory, defeatist, not from a place of what they want or inquisitive and then wait for a response to see if the other person is willing to meet you halfway or what their stance/feelings are. Like in your case, you are already deciding unilaterally that him doing xyz means xyz (when it may or may not), never having spoken to him about it and coming yourself from a place of "less than" or not getting what you want or failure ("he is slow fading on me"). If you want to feel better, with conviction you need to know this is either not what you want and have no regrets (i doubt that otherwise you wouldn't have made this thread) OR speak to him saying what you WANT, more lighthearted than anything you are proposing (and than most anxious people tend to do). It doesn't guarantee that you will get what you want but if you take charge of your life from a place of positivity and proactive-ness you should feel better--and not be so conflicted about ending things if that's what you want to do or asking for what you want. I think people search for meaning behind whoever they are dating's every move because they are afraid to ask and state what they want (which is different than stating you want "serious"; now you are into the more everyday of how that looks to you and how that looks to him). No offense but anxious people tend to really be inflexible. They are so paranoid that they really can only see things on their terms--maybe this doesn't apply to you but if it does, think about it. In your example, this guy has a ton of things going on, so if you want to date him or someone like him you might need to be flexible on amount of time, contact that he has to give without sending the relationship vibe into insecure territory. And still there are no guarantees. I think once anxious people can accept that fact that you cannot procure any real guarantee from anyone you might feel free enough to conduct a relationship that goes in a direction that will make you happy. Anyway just some morning thoughts as someone who is contributing on this thread, i see no big problem if you call it off with him but the reasons why and thought process behind it need to be better--they need to be from YOUR perspective, like what he is offering up right now isn't good enough for me OR pull back because for WHATEVER reason he is not pursuing you enough for your liking right now (but not so black and white that there is no chance for him in the future if you were free and amenable--why was anything he did SO horrible? He just can't meet your preferred timetable.) This is important, why? Because how you characterize this dating event/experience will color YOUR future dating experiences and your personal beliefs about YOURSELF. Also you may learn something valuable by considering flexibility even if you don't allow it to this guy. good luck 7
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 The most attractive thing you can do when you are in a relationship is to show confidence at all times. The best way to do that is to be confident. This, most on this forum will disagree with, but I hold to it because it can save a lot of grief: Don't sleep with a guy until you have confirmed you are each deeply into each other. And realize that some guys will make it seem that way just to get you to sleep with them. This guy you've written about seems to play fast and loose, in that he very quickly escalated the R, having you meet his parents, dog, etc. I have read and heard that's a red flag though it hasn't been my own experience. I would chalk this one up to a learnin Love this! Some of the most insecure people 'act confident' when in reality there's a ton of cr*p going on inside them that they never have the true confidence to reveal. OP, you did nothing wrong in being real and showing your vulnerabilities (eg that men leave after sex), that is what TRUE confidence is about - not the type of confidence advocated for here where you subscribe to a game of trying to appear more 'valuable' to the man! I'm pretty sure that sh*t is spouted everywhere on the net on 'how to catch the guy' websites for losers. Please read 'The Gifts of Imperfection' and then you will realize the fallacy (that the posters here speak of) in covering up your vulnerabilities as a testament to 'confidence'. Was going to write a post after todreaminblue's post on vulnerability but figured folks would be able to figure out the two are not mutually exclusive. To be clear, my post referenced above was not advocating being gamey. It seems to me from your post, Mkn, you may possibly be confusing arrogance with confidence. If you'll notice in the above post I wrote "be confident" and nowhere did I suggest being gamey. Also, a wise person uses good judgment in deciding the level of vulnerability to offer another. Imo, it's not wise to offer vulnerability carte blanche to someone one has met on the internet (the subject of this post) and hasn't established trust with yet. Imo, at every level of engaging with someone, from first meeting on into a deepening relationship, it is a judgment call as to how much vulnerability it's wise to offer. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) I am not a naturally confident person. There is gotta be someone out there that values vulnerability and openess. I don't see anything wrong with what OP did. I hate playing all these games to keep the man interested and pretzeling myself into something I am not so that he would feel like there is "chase". I would rather be single. My "value" should be obvious to the right person. I don't believe being confident is the same thing as being gamey or arrogant. And it seems to me vulnerability* and authenticity** are two different things. I do believe vulnerability is valuable once trust has been established. And that authenticity is important from the get go! However, what I see on LS threads a lot are women who make themselves vulnerable to those not worthy of their trust. Iow, there seems to me to be quite a few threads of women making themselves vulnerable by sleeping with guys and then coming on LS and processing their anxiety as to whether or not they will hear from the guys again. With every person we connect in life it is a judgment call as to how much vulnerability to offer that person. Imo, it's wise to offer vulnerability congruently with how much trust has been established in a relationship. As to the bolded, "pretzeling yourself into something you're not" I agree with you! And as I mentioned earlier in this post believe it's both important and safe to offer authenticity to someone you're dating from the get go! Seems to me it's safe and preferable to offer respect, authenticity, confidence, kindness, fun! etc. right away in a relationship and to allow vulnerability to unfold (blossom, even! because vulnerability can be beautiful!) as trust in a relationship is earned. *vulnerability - the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally, capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt. ** authenticity - not false or imitation, real, genuine true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, lacking pretense. Edited January 10, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease 2
Author Mx12345 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 I don't believe being confident is the same thing as being gamey or arrogant. And it seems to me vulnerability* and authenticity** are two different things. I do believe vulnerability is valuable once trust has been established. And that authenticity is important from the get go! However, what I see on LS threads a lot are women who make themselves vulnerable to those not worthy of their trust. Iow, there seems to me to be quite a few threads of women making themselves vulnerable by sleeping with guys and then coming on LS and processing their anxiety as to whether or not they will hear from the guys again. With every person we connect in life it is a judgment call as to how much vulnerability to offer that person. Imo, it's wise to offer vulnerability congruently with how much trust has been established in a relationship. As to the bolded, "pretzeling yourself into something you're not" I agree with you! And as I mentioned earlier in this post believe it's both important and safe to offer authenticity to someone you're dating from the get go! Seems to me it's safe and preferable to offer respect, authenticity, confidence, kindness, fun! etc. right away in a relationship and to allow vulnerability to unfold (blossom, even! because vulnerability can be beautiful!) as trust in a relationship is earned. *vulnerability - the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally, capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon. ** authenticity - not false or imitation, real, genuine true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, lacking pretense. I don't believe you were wrong in your advice to me that I should not have said that guys run as soon as you have sex with them. I wish I had not said this to him. There IS a time and place to be vulnerable, and a 4th date with a guy Ive known three weeks is not it. Being confident is not the same as playing some game to make a guy be more into me. Ill never know if me appearing weak in my comment made him ghost me, of if he really was just looking for someone to spend time with during his month off of getting his doctorate, of if I made some other off the wall comment that he didn't like that I didn't even realize, or if the chase was over so he was done, or if another girl peaked his interest more. Ill never know the actual reason. I do know that after constant every day texts of good morning in the morning, how is your day going in the afternoon, and what are you up to tonight at night, I haven't heard a peep from this guy in four days except for him to answer my text of "how's your knee doing after that hike?" (Hes been having a knee issue.) We haven't gone this long without communication the entire time we've known each other. Even when we were still talking online, we would message each other every day. While it would be nice to get some sort of answers or reason, I'm not going to contact him. I owe that to myself. The rest Ill just have to assume. 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 I don't believe you were wrong in your advice to me that I should not have said that guys run as soon as you have sex with them. I wish I had not said this to him. There IS a time and place to be vulnerable, and a 4th date with a guy Ive known three weeks is not it. Being confident is not the same as playing some game to make a guy be more into me. Ill never know if me appearing weak in my comment made him ghost me, of if he really was just looking for someone to spend time with during his month off of getting his doctorate, of if I made some other off the wall comment that he didn't like that I didn't even realize, or if the chase was over so he was done, or if another girl peaked his interest more. Ill never know the actual reason. I do know that after constant every day texts of good morning in the morning, how is your day going in the afternoon, and what are you up to tonight at night, I haven't heard a peep from this guy in four days except for him to answer my text of "how's your knee doing after that hike?" (Hes been having a knee issue.) We haven't gone this long without communication the entire time we've known each other. Even when we were still talking online, we would message each other every day. While it would be nice to get some sort of answers or reason, I'm not going to contact him. I owe that to myself. The rest Ill just have to assume. Mx12345, it's not your fault that this guy is a jerk, which to me he has demonstrated in the way he's changed his pattern of communication with you since you trusted him and were together. Trust is earned and he's not earning it, as you well know! From all you've written you seem to me to be a very high caliber person who has good judgment. As you said, it was out of character for you to be with him when you were. Try to forget about making that comment as in the grand scheme of things it's not that big a deal. I would think all of us have said similar things at times in relationships of all kinds, I know I have! The point is not what we have said or done but whether or not we learn from it! Seems to me you've figured this out and are going to be fine going forward whether he contacts you or not. He may very well text or call when he returns but now you know what type of person he is. And you know what you want in a R so can make a decision based on whether or not the two of those things are compatible! Because he was the last to text you (when he responded to your text) and you didn't reply to that last text of his, imo, it goes a long way to reestablishing your boundaries and demonstrating dignity. You haven't continued to try to get his attention and he has to have noticed that you have pulled back. Believe me, he knows what he has done and he knows that you know it, too, at this point. (He may be a jerk but he's no dummy!) Yet, you are holding your head high and not chasing him. I am so proud of you for not trying to continue to engage with him as some would have done and am sure some have done. I hope you'll continue to post as I have no doubts as you'll handle whatever develops well. Seems to me it will be a good thread for folks to read who may be in a similar situation and contemplating how to proceed. 2
Author Mx12345 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 So did I just get my answer? He sent me a snapchat (we added each other on NYE but honestly I don't really use snapchat so I haven't been on.) He sent a picture of a calendar for January and February that was filled in with something everyday (his schedule, whatnot) and put the caption "Well it was nice to have a social life while it lasted. Back to reality" Like DID THAT JUST REALLY HAPPEN??????? Did I just get dumped via snapchat??? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 So did I just get my answer? He sent me a snapchat (we added each other on NYE but honestly I don't really use snapchat so I haven't been on.) He sent a picture of a calendar for January and February that was filled in with something everyday (his schedule, whatnot) and put the caption "Well it was nice to have a social life while it lasted. Back to reality" Like DID THAT JUST REALLY HAPPEN??????? Did I just get dumped via snapchat??? Yes, I think it's safe to say he has taken the very roundabout way of telling you he's not going to be in touch. I wouldn't bother responding. 1
Miss Spider Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 What??? I don’t get it. How is he saying that?! Could he just be showing he’s super busy the next 2 months??? Not saying he can’t still see you
Author Mx12345 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 What??? I don’t get it. How is he saying that?! Could he just be saying he’s super busy the next 2 months??? He starts classes again for his doctorate this weekend. I met him right after his finals the first week of December. He works full time too. We talked a lot about how busy his schedule is. He said that was why he didn't date often, because his time was limited and he didn't like wasting it on the wrong people. Guess I'm one of those people. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) So did I just get my answer? He sent me a snapchat (we added each other on NYE but honestly I don't really use snapchat so I haven't been on.) He sent a picture of a calendar for January and February that was filled in with something everyday (his schedule, whatnot) and put the caption "Well it was nice to have a social life while it lasted. Back to reality" Like DID THAT JUST REALLY HAPPEN??????? Did I just get dumped via snapchat??? No, you didn't get dumped. You'd already closed the door on him because of his classless behavior. Continue to ignore. He still may contact you at some point, upping the ante for an ego boost, or even becoming honestly intrigued with your lack of responsiveness at this point, so be prepared as to how you'll handle that. In no way am I suggesting that you be gamey with him. This is for real, not a game. You're way out of his league, have dodged a bullet, and have moved on! Edited January 10, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease 2
olivetree Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Don't respond to that! And to the vulnerability vs. confidence debate... they aren't mutually exclusive. Not showing all your cards doesn't mean you're playing games, it means you're being careful and selective before giving your heart out. 1
greymatter Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 I don't get it. I'm not a SnapChat user but it sounds like he was just sharing that he is dreading his crazy schedule that is ahead of him. I wouldn't read into it further than that i.e. I don't think it's a message to you to stay away. 1
SpecialJ Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 Just out of curiosity, is he really socially awkward and not very good communicating with women? He's not making you feel secure, so I agree that you shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt if dating him has been making you anxious. But at this point, you've said a lot to indicate you're taking his actions personally when I don't think they are (whether he's actually slow fading or not). I'm more inclined to think he was trying to be cute about his schedule and it came out awkward because you hadn't spoken in a while, NOT that he was passive aggressively telling you you're not worth his time. Even on the off chance that is what he was doing, which would be unnecessarily mean (does that seem in character for him?), why would you internalize that it's a negative reflection on you? Don't be so down on yourself about this. I don't think this is on you. He doesn't have his life together enough to be a good boyfriend. He wanted to try to get to know you, but he's probably picking up on the fact that it's not quite enough to be what you want, so he's getting more distant and awkward as opposed to closer. You slept together because it was fun and a nice atmosphere for it -- I don't think that caused his hot and cold behavior here, so don't beat yourself up over it. Like I said in your last thread, focus on yourself, learn more about your dating anxiety, and try not to project past bad behavior onto new guys you meet. And don't take on more "blame" or negativity from the situation than you need to. It sounds like you're better than that, so you just need to figure out how to believe it! 1
SpecialJ Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 PS - the last guy I met online in his 30s who said he had his life together and was ready for something serious in his profile was maybe the least ready of anyone I've met, and imploded within 3 weeks of my meeting him. Because he had to focus on fixing his life, figuring out his career, deciding if one day he'd want to live in another country alone, deciding if he'd want kids... all stuff that I couldn't believe he wanted to panic about 3 weeks in. As far as dating profiles go, words mean nothing if they're not backed up with actions
Author Mx12345 Posted January 11, 2018 Author Posted January 11, 2018 Just out of curiosity, is he really socially awkward and not very good communicating with women? He's not making you feel secure, so I agree that you shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt if dating him has been making you anxious. But at this point, you've said a lot to indicate you're taking his actions personally when I don't think they are (whether he's actually slow fading or not). I'm more inclined to think he was trying to be cute about his schedule and it came out awkward because you hadn't spoken in a while, NOT that he was passive aggressively telling you you're not worth his time. Even on the off chance that is what he was doing, which would be unnecessarily mean (does that seem in character for him?), why would you internalize that it's a negative reflection on you? Don't be so down on yourself about this. I don't think this is on you. He doesn't have his life together enough to be a good boyfriend. He wanted to try to get to know you, but he's probably picking up on the fact that it's not quite enough to be what you want, so he's getting more distant and awkward as opposed to closer. You slept together because it was fun and a nice atmosphere for it -- I don't think that caused his hot and cold behavior here, so don't beat yourself up over it. Like I said in your last thread, focus on yourself, learn more about your dating anxiety, and try not to project past bad behavior onto new guys you meet. And don't take on more "blame" or negativity from the situation than you need to. It sounds like you're better than that, so you just need to figure out how to believe it! I agree I over thought/freaked out about the snap chat thing. He hadn't contacted me in four days, and when he did it was a picture of his busy schedule. He is not a mean person. He never has been. Which is probably why I liked him so much. Looking on it now, I don't think he was being malicious with the snap. With that being said, he is not awkward in conversation at all. Maybe a bit dorky at times. But he can carry on a conversation very well. So I know I'm being slow faded. He doesn't "get back to reality" (full time work and getting his doctorate) till next week. And hes been non existent this week. Last night, hours after the snap chat he texted me. Convo went like this: Him: Hey hope you've had a good week so far! I'm sure you're getting ready for your trip so I just wanted to say to have a great time. Safe travels! Me: Thanks, have a good first week back! Him: Thank you! After writing out my schedule I'm now very jealous of your trip. Even if it is to the frozen tundra. (for reference I'm traveling some place very cold) *I don't respond for 30 min* Him: The next two months are going to be a bit nuts for me and that's not even counting any special projects at work. Me: Yeah you talked about how extremely busy you are when you have both work and class. Try not to stress too much! *He never responds to that Hes slow fading me, letting me know in every which way that he is very busy and wont have time. If he was interested he would say something like "i know I am going to be very busy these next few months, but if possible id like to still try and see you." or something. But nothing. And for reference he still has a year of classes left then clinicals.
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