confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Honestly what is the point in dating? There seems to be so many time wasters out there or those that simply don't have a clue what they want. I've been seeing a guy for near three months. From day one he said he is a very reserved person, doesn't really open up easily and is private yet he allowed me into his life so much. He lead me to believe we had a future together. He would say how I'm 'Mummy material' and we were honest about what we'd like from the future. He is divorced with a daughter whom he sees often. He sounds like a wonderful father and this was something I was really attracted to. I didn't see him for two weeks as he had his daughter over Christmas and that was fine. We have been in contact and he was saying the usual things about missing me and he can't wait to see me. Then out of the blue last night, we speak on the phone and he decides to say that he doesn't have the capacity in his life right now for a relationship. I have literally been a saint when it comes to being patience with him. I've always worked around his busy schedule, not been demanding of his time and we say each other maybe 1/2 per week (depending on other commitments). I was fine with this as I have my own life and commitments. Now I just feel like I've wasted a few months on nothing. I know that isn't a long time but I'm just so baffled how you can be so into someone one minute, and i do genuinely believe he was into me and the next throw it away because he has a busy life. I ended the conversation quite abruptly last night and I won't contact him. I've deleted his number so there's no temptation to message him. I guess I'm just wondering, what's the point? OLD is a nightmare. I know I'm probably feeling sorry for myself a bit but I'm also at a stage on my life that I'm over all this playing games BS.
Iseult Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Honestly what is the point in dating? Ultimately, it is to form babby. They need to do way instain mother but I am truley sorry for your lots.
Zippy2000 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 What is the point of dating? To find out if you are compatible. I'm sorry to hear you got let down. The same happened to me. I dated a girl from may until July and then decided I wasn't for her. It was 6 dates we had. How did you meet him? Was it online? 2
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 The point of dating is to assess compatibility. That takes time, certainly more than the 90 days you have given each other. You also need to recognize & deal with the bad signs earlier. People who come with disclaimers are poor candidates. People who start talking about things like marriage & kids early are impatient & impulsive; they may say this stuff but they don't mean it because they can't. They don't know you. At the 90 day mark, that's what 12 weeks? If you saw each other 1 or 2 times per week, you saw each other what 18 times? How on earth do you actually think someone can fully assess you in barely 2.5 weeks of time together spread out over 3 months? OLD is a single tool. Use it as such, not as your only lifeline to others. Put yourself out there. Make a commitment to do at least one thing per week to meet new people: network; attend a singles event; go to a meetup; go speed dating; attend a hobby based get together; volunteer. If you do those things you will also meet people who share your interests which is an excellent foundation. 4
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 We met on a dating app. It's a hard one as we saw each other 1/2 a week but it was usually for a long time. We'd speak on the phone for hours the other times so I thought I did know him well. It's so hard as I know I'm just feeling down because of the situation but this time I was so relaxed with everything. I can be a nightmare over analyzing things so this time I decided just go with the flow. We really opened up to each other but also tried to be a little guarded. I know I've done the right thing but deleting his number but I know I'll also be so upset if he doesn't try to reach out to me. It's confusing as it wasn't like he said he doesn't want to see me again but as soon as he said he doesn't have the capacity for a relationship, I switched off and just said there's no point us talking anymore then and I wished him luck and put the phone down. Pretty immature but this call was at 1am and I wasn't thinking straight to process it. 2
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 OLD? I kind of figured that's where you met him. He knows he can do this because he doesn't have to see you again at school, church or work, and all his friends won't know what he did to you. Anonymity brings out the worst in some people. 1
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 OLD? I kind of figured that's where you met him. He knows he can do this because he doesn't have to see you again at school, church or work, and all his friends won't know what he did to you. Anonymity brings out the worst in some people. You're so right!! It's frustrating though as he said he is usually very private. Yet I've been to his house, I know where he picks his daughter up when they do pick up/drop off with his ex, I know where his mum does yoga. All these things he says he wouldn't normally be this open with someone. But saying that, that could have all been a line to make me thing I was 'different/special'. It's just all BS really.
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Like I always say, if it doesn't feel right, then it's not.....stop giving these guys the benefit of a doubt/ chances to see improvement....that's where YOU are wasting YOUR time, not them. The thing to do is to NOT ignore and acknowledge the red flags. Find issues= dump them. 2
SammySammy Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 The point of dating is to get to know someone. Until you have a firm commitment from a person, don't assume you will be part of their lives. That's why I think it's best to date several people at once. You're simply getting to know them. If you're doing it right, most dating situations should NOT end in a relationship. Finding a mutual match should be rare.Commit to that person. 2
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 You're so right!! It's frustrating though as he said he is usually very private. Yet I've been to his house, I know where he picks his daughter up when they do pick up/drop off with his ex, I know where his mum does yoga. All these things he says he wouldn't normally be this open with someone. But saying that, that could have all been a line to make me thing I was 'different/special'. It's just all BS really. I don't think that was a line to make you feel special. That was a slip. It means he has done this to other women repeatedly, and he has a standard operating procedure of being careful not to let women from OLD know where his mum does yoga etc. 1
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 It's just so confusing. I don't date multiple people. We were exclusive. He was the one who referred to me as his girlfriend first and although there was no formal 'Are er in a relationship?' question, we both just agreed to is as a relationship. I know it was still early days getting to know each other but it seemed like it could be heading somewhere. He was really badly hurt through his divorce so I know he has issues but don't we all. Either way I guess it doesn't matter now as I won't be contacting him and I doubt he'll contact me.
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 It is confusing. He did seem to be laying a good foundation & then pulled the rug out from underneath you. That said you were only 3 months in, not 3 years. You can lick your wounds for a bit but then you dust yourself off & get back out there. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Get to know the other person. Get to know you. Learn from your encounters. Practice social/relationship skills. Learn how to commit and persevere through conflict, trials/tribulations. Learn how to establish healthy relationships. Ultimately find love and do all of the above.
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 It is confusing. He did seem to be laying a good foundation & then pulled the rug out from underneath you. That said you were only 3 months in, not 3 years. You can lick your wounds for a bit but then you dust yourself off & get back out there. Thank you. That's what I needed to hear. Acknowledge what happened but then get on with it :-) 1
Zippy2000 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Honestly what is the point in dating? There seems to be so many time wasters out there or those that simply don't have a clue what they want I have been doing OLD for over 10 years now. I ve had a lot of girls I ve dated for a few months and then change their minds. The last straw was the last girl I dated as mentioned about. No signs of losing interest and then just dumped me by text. Called her by phone and she pretty much hung up! Have you had many dates from OLD, and how long did the relationships last for?
stillafool Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 The point of dating is to get to know someone. Until you have a firm commitment from a person, don't assume you will be part of their lives. That's why I think it's best to date several people at once. You're simply getting to know them. If you're doing it right, most dating situations should NOT end in a relationship. Finding a mutual match should be rare.Commit to that person. This is what people fail to understand. Just because you can have long conversations, hang out and even have sex does not mean (to everyone) that they have fallen in love and want a one on one relationship. It's rare to just meet someone and decide you want them for the rest of your life. 2
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 I have been doing OLD for over 10 years now. I ve had a lot of girls I ve dated for a few months and then change their minds. The last straw was the last girl I dated as mentioned about. No signs of losing interest and then just dumped me by text. Called her by phone and she pretty much hung up! Have you had many dates from OLD, and how long did the relationships last for? I'm sorry that's really harsh to be dumped by text. I thought a call at 1am was pretty bad. I've been OLD since 2012 now. I've had two relationships. Both guys seemed lovely, but we moved the relationships so quickly. They very quickly moved into my house with me and basically used me for money. I made it very easy for them. That's my I'm upset with the last guy. He seemed so different. Completely financially independent, own home, had previous long relationship/marriage, decent job, appeared emotional stable. Literally all the things I lacked previously, he had it all.
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Beware of those on the rebound (incl. messy divorce), and those with personality disorders. OLD provide these types with an instant supply of fresh blood, which they need. However.... if he does contact you, why not remain friends? It takes two to move too fast too soon. Sometimes people slow down in a relationship and, if it feel right to you, you can compromise and allow that. You decide that on a case by case basis.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 I didn't see him for two weeks as he had his daughter over Christmas and that was fine. We have been in contact and he was saying the usual things about missing me and he can't wait to see me. Then out of the blue last night, we speak on the phone and he decides to say that he doesn't have the capacity in his life right now for a relationship. I guess the two things are connected somehow.
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 Beware of those on the rebound (incl. messy divorce), and those with personality disorders. OLD provide these types with an instant supply of fresh blood, which they need. However.... if he does contact you, why not remain friends? It takes two to move too fast too soon. Sometimes people slow down in a relationship and, if it feel right to you, you can compromise and allow that. You decide that on a case by case basis. The divorce was four years ago so it's very much in the past. However, it doesn't sound like he's dated anyone serious since then so perhaps he won't. He is very contradictory. He says how he wants to be with someone to love him and be there together for each other yet I said once I can see him being waking up alone at 60 and thinking, why the hell am I alone? I think he has his life exactly how he is comfortable with. He's a workaholic and constantly under pressure. But i think that's how he works best.
Author confusedgirlfriend11 Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 I guess the two things are connected somehow. Yes you're probably right. It's just annoying that when I asked when I'd see him, he said he wanted to see me the day after he dropped his daughter home. I was impressed with this as it was supposed to be his first day back to work and he would have been so busy. Then sadly his cousin died and he had to cancel us meeting to go to the funeral (which is today) so it just seems like all these things happened at once. What I don't understand is the fact that he was saying he misses me and that he can't wait to see me. Even when he cancelled because of the funeral he started his message nicely with 'Hi babe'.
Maggie4 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Well, if he does contact you, you can hear him out. If he doesn't contact you, then you were right to delete his number.
olivetree Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Sorry this happened to you I think as you get older, the dating pool is full of men and women with intimacy and commitment issues. The fact that he thinks he is going to be alone at 60 is very telling. Next time, try to weed out the guys that are too busy, inconsistent, and that equate telling you where their mom does yoga as emotional intimacy.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Well, if he does contact you, you can hear him out. Why bother? He made it perfectly plain "he said he doesn't have the capacity in his life right now for a relationship." so what does she do? Hang around until he finds someone he does want to be in a relationship with... ? The unsaid words here are "with you". "I don't have the capacity in my life right now for a relationship with you." Too many women IMO think they can turn a situation like this into a win and are bitterly disappointed when he doesn't change his mind and she wastes weeks, months, even years of her life with a guy who will never see her as relationship material but is happy stringing her along in some sort of a "casual" arrangement. 1
Be_Strong Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 OLD? I kind of figured that's where you met him. He knows he can do this because he doesn't have to see you again at school, church or work, and all his friends won't know what he did to you. Anonymity brings out the worst in some people. So how should a guy handle a situation where after a few dates he decides that he’s not interested in continuing to date the woman? Are you saying that if they have common friends and acquaintances, the guy will just keep dating the girl unwillingly because he won’t want his friends to know that he didn’t want to keep dating her? I would argue that it’s much better that a person discontinue a relationship when they know it won’t work and not string somebody along. This guy here just wanted to let the OP off gently by doing the “it’s not you, it’s me” routine. I don’t see that as being the “worst.” 1
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