falcon.postx Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 (edited) Hey guys, I'm new to the forum! Hi! OK, so, I hooked up with a cook at the restaurant I work at (I'm a waitress). When I first saw him, I was immediately attracted to him but stayed away. Far away. I was proud of myself. Why? Because we worked together, I wanted to keep things professional, he drinks quite a bit, and in the past, when I've felt that attracted to someone, it was usually a bad thing (like, it became obsessive). He invited me out with his friend one night, like a month into me working there, and he bought me a drink. When we were talking, he explained how he'd sort of given up on music to be a better chef (which he hadn't, really). I talked about my writing a bit, it was a good time. But after the first drink, I kind of just ran out of there because I didn't want things to escalate. A month later, I text him about something at the restaurant, and he starts flirting. I flirted back (so much for that, right?). A couple days later, he suggests meeting up, but it's late at night. I suggested a bar, but he immediately invites me to his house. Being very sexually attracted to him, I... agreed. We had sex like four or five times in a night. He told me he was "so attracted to me" he thought I was beautiful and smart and there was no chance I'd be interested in him. He asked me what he did to deserve such good sex, all this ****. It made me feel pumped. I told him how attracted I was, too (maybe not a good idea, in retrospect?). When I went away for the holidays, he sends me some messages, and I him. I come back, we hang out, and everything seemed to change. He seemed very distant and just not as into it. I asked him if he thought things were fizzling out. He said, "Not sure. I'm still very much enjoying my time with you." A couple days go by, he tells me a friend passed away and he's depressed, which is why he hasn't been very communicative. He says sorry if he seems distant. Responding to a very emotional fact he's revealed to me, I did send a long text. I said: "It's ok, I'm sorry your friend passed. I've been a little preoccupied too, just let me know if you want to talk." Here's where I think I messed up. I knew that my friend was coming to town, and we just wouldn't be able to see each other for another week. So, I said: "Also, I should say I have a friend coming to town for a week and I'll be busy until the 16th -- if you want to see each other, I'm free tomorrow and the next night. I'd like to see you, but understand if you need space." I guess I thought that was a respectful way to say I'd like to see him, but also allow him the space he wants/needs? But I sent that 24 hours ago now. No response. He's been on FB. Could it be he's just really depressed? Or is he just suddenly not into this anymore? I don't get it... Edited January 9, 2018 by falcon.postx
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Sounds like he isn't in the frame of mind for further hook ups just now. On a bigger note, the death of a friend tends to make people think of their own life and he might end up deciding to look for a long term type situation rather than just hook ups. Your text didn't require a reply unless he felt like talking about his situation so I wouldn't wait for a response to it. There are likely to be people closer to him emotionally that he would rather talk to should he feel the need.
Author falcon.postx Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 Sounds like he isn't in the frame of mind for further hook ups just now. On a bigger note, the death of a friend tends to make people think of their own life and he might end up deciding to look for a long term type situation rather than just hook ups. Your text didn't require a reply unless he felt like talking about his situation so I wouldn't wait for a response to it. There are likely to be people closer to him emotionally that he would rather talk to should he feel the need. Hi Gemma, Thank you -- I think my anxiety makes me very self-absorbed, to the point of delusion (though I have enough reason to not act on it). So, I should probably realize it doesn't have anything to do with me. But what about this part: Here's where I think I messed up. I knew that my friend was coming to town, and we just wouldn't be able to see each other for another week. So, I said: "Also, I should say I have a friend coming to town for a week and I'll be busy until the 16th -- if you want to see each other, I'm free tomorrow and the next night. I'd like to see you, but understand if you need space."
Zippy2000 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 You mention 24 hours. That isn't a long time. If its after 3 days theats when I would start asking questions.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Unfortunately, his silence indicates he's not interested in seeing you right now. You didn't mess anything up, though - he was already backing away. The death of a friend could indeed be a factor. Just let him be for now; you said you'd understand if needs space. Show him you mean it by letting him do his thing now. You'll know soon enough if he's still interested. However, a guy who invites you to his house for sex the first time you are alone together probably isn't someone who's looking for anything serious. That's not to say having sex was a mistake -if you both were into it, no problem. But in my experience, guys with a more serious interest are not going to insist on you coming to their house late at night if you haven't even been on a date yet. I wouldn't hold my breath for this guy being more than a hookup. 3
Author falcon.postx Posted January 9, 2018 Author Posted January 9, 2018 Unfortunately, his silence indicates he's not interested in seeing you right now. You didn't mess anything up, though - he was already backing away. The death of a friend could indeed be a factor. Just let him be for now; you said you'd understand if needs space. Show him you mean it by letting him do his thing now. You'll know soon enough if he's still interested. However, a guy who invites you to his house for sex the first time you are alone together probably isn't someone who's looking for anything serious. That's not to say having sex was a mistake -if you both were into it, no problem. But in my experience, guys with a more serious interest are not going to insist on you coming to their house late at night if you haven't even been on a date yet. I wouldn't hold my breath for this guy being more than a hookup. I guess it seemed like that was his way of being intimate. He told me a lot about his growing up... like a lot of what I would consider private things, unless he just discloses them without caring, this could be true too. He just seems to spend a lot of time in bed--sounds boring, but he just seems to do that. When I was gone, he texted me things like "Wish I could hold you," can't wait to see you. But part of me thinks he may just be one of those people who are really idealistic at first and then watch reality crash hard -- like maybe he knows we're not compatible. I just feel bad because it felt like we had this real emotional connection going on, so now I'm feeling kind of hurt.
Standard-Fare Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Your text wasn't inappropriate at all. Just a little awkward. But, whether or not he ends up responding, you should back off at this point and limit your contact. He's not giving you any signs of "availability" right now. I think you have no choice but to take him at face value that his friend's death is making him depressed/withdrawn. If he's truly interested in you, you will see signs of life from him again. In the meantime, try not to obsess over it. Live your life without considering him as a factor.
stillafool Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 You should have stuck to your values and not had sex with someone you work with. He enjoyed the hook up (sex) but is probably not hard up for it and is on to the next hook up. Always follow your first mind. It has nothing to do with your text which was respectful. 1
stillafool Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Hi Gemma, Thank you -- I think my anxiety makes me very self-absorbed, to the point of delusion (though I have enough reason to not act on it). So, I should probably realize it doesn't have anything to do with me. But what about this part: Here's where I think I messed up. I knew that my friend was coming to town, and we just wouldn't be able to see each other for another week. So, I said: "Also, I should say I have a friend coming to town for a week and I'll be busy until the 16th -- if you want to see each other, I'm free tomorrow and the next night. I'd like to see you, but understand if you need space."[ You did not mess up. A guy who is interested in you certainly would not be put off because you have a friend coming to town. He would be glad to wait.
Iseult Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 But I sent that 24 hours ago now. No response. He's been on FB. Could it be he's just really depressed? Or is he just suddenly not into this anymore? I don't get it... Lot's of things could have happened in those 24 hours. He might have met someone new, got married, had kids, retired and entered an old-age home. It just goes to show that you have to strike while the iron is hot.
O'Malley Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 I do think you should guard your heart and head and pull back from this guy, because you are starting to develop feelings for him and questioning your every action. Being in the moment with someone often will feel very intense and reciprocal, but the reality is that you barely know each other and he's made no effort towards you other than asking you to his home in anticipation of casual sex. He might be an all right guy, just not compatible for your needs. Better to give yourself some space and perspective so that you don't become further invested and hurt if he sees this as only a fling.
smackie9 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Give the guy a break, he just lost his friend. When someone dies, people that you haven't seen in years come out of the woodwork to grieve with you. That's probably is what is happening to him....old school mates, etc are in touch as they are reeling in shock over the loss. When he is ready to talk to you, he will contact you again. It's simply bad timing. Take it one day at a time, and keep your feelings in check.
Recommended Posts