Big Problem - Wedding plans & Break ups

[Joey_Smith]

Hi all,

 

I have been wanting to write something for a while to seek advise. I am a 29 year old man and I do not want to bother other people with my problems. However, if anyone wants to help me I would very much appreciate it.

 

I have been with my partner for 5 years now. We started dating a few months after a previous relationship had ended. It took me a while (one to two months) to come around to becoming 'exclusive' with her (although I was only seeing her and no one else at the time). She has never forgot this and will bring it up every now and again. I apologize to her and let her know that it was not about her, not about my own issues at the time.

 

Once we became BF and GF things started to move quite fast. We ended up moving in together within the first few months. Now the first few years of our relationship were solid. Obviously we had arguments from time to time but it never seemed like a relationship ending problem.

 

Last May I proposed to her and she said yes. We were both very happy and had a post-engagement photo shoot. We booked our wedding date and made most of the arrangements. The dress had been bought.

 

Over the past 3 years I have been studying a part time masters degree whilst working full time. It has been difficult to both but for the most part I have been able to handle it and it had not affected out relationship. However, for the past year I was completing a dissertation which was a bigger challenge altogether. Again it didn't affect us, but the last few months of the dissertation were a struggle. I admit that I was focussing alot on my thesis and could not spend a huge amount of time with my fiance. I tried my best to make time for her. I made sure to go to bed at the same time with her so we could spend time together. I would also spend time with her for an hour or two at dinner. It was not ideal but I kept telling myself that this was just for a few months and it would get back to normal when I was finished.

 

Now, around the same time, my fiance was starting a new job. She met a guy who she apparently did not like to begin with. However, they began to hang out more and more. At first I didn't realize because she was also hanging out with other colleagues. But after a while she told me that people in the office were making fun of how close they were and there were rumors about them hooking up (which she says did not happen and I believe her). So one night she came home and seemed distressed. She told me that he had tried to kiss her and that she had been flirting. She did not kiss him back though. We got into an argument and she ended up taking a bath to calm down. She then sent a photo to him of her in the bath (although you couldn't see any body parts).

 

She told me of how she was now confused about us and she wanted us to take a break to see how she felt with time to think. Begrudgingly i agreed (rather than us breaking up). During the break they cuddled on a sofa but that's all. Eventually she came back to me and said she missed me and we could get back to how we were. I agreed. The problem here was that she did not want to stop seeing him and when I told her I wanted her to stop she refused. She said they would eventually see less of each other but that for now she couldn't. This did annoy as a similar situation occurred earlier in the relationship but with roles reversed. I had a friend (Female) who I had known for a while before we got together. One night my friend made said asked if we could hand out- I said that I had plans with my GF. She then asked if my GF had made me say this. My GF seen the message and got very annoyed. She asked to see all other the messages we had sent and I said okay. Within the messages she seen that the friend had sent me some hearts. Because of this she told me that I had to cut her out. At first I said no as we were only friends and nothing had ever happened between us. But after giving me an ultimatum I agreed to do this. I have no spoke to her since.

 

So I don't know why, but I didn't put up much of a fight and have not argued much against her seeing her friend and even staying over at his place a number of times.

 

About a week before christmas I recived a card from my mother. My fiance has made it well known to me that my mother gets on her nerves. This didn't bother me too much as I didn't need her to get own perfectly with her. However, on the the envalope for the card it said my name in full, but with her name in brackets. I hadn't even noticed to be honest. And within the card itself both are names were included as 'To xx and xx' (Obviously with our names). My fiance got very annoyed at this and said my mother was being rude. I tried to say that my mother would not have had any ill intent and it was probably just a silly mistake. This did not help. The next day was my Birthday and again late in the night my fiance stated how annoyed she would and that all of her collegues agreed. Because of my dissertation which was due in that day, I had not thought too much about it. I also didn't want to bring it up with my mother as she is sensitive and I didn't want to make both of them drift further apart. In hindsight this was a mistake. On Christmas Eve I went to see my parents (My fiance didn't go with me as she was with the guy- but we had arranged for her to meet me back home at 11), and I did not bring up the card with my Mother. I chickened out. On the way home I stopped by my sisters and her husbands as they asked me over. I was late home by around 20 minutes and my fiance was very upset because I had agreed to meetup. She says that one of the problems she has with me is that I am bad at arranging things like this. We got in an argument over it and she broke up with me- essentially on christmas morning. After a nights sleep we woke up and she said she still felt the same and we were broken up. I broke down as it was Christmas morning and I had to go home to my parents without her and single. I didn't tell my family but they sensed I was upset. Eventually I asked my mother about the card and she said she was sorry and she didn't mean for it to sound rude.

 

The next day my fiance said she was giving me one last chance and that if I mess up again it's over for real. Now a few weeks on and she is saying how confused she is. She doesn't know what to do. Her friends told her to call off of postpone the wedding. This is obvious. But she has feelings for this guy and me. I don't know what to do. Please advise what you would do in my situation. Sorry if my story is so long. I feel like I have missed some information out. If you could help I'd appreciate it.

[GorillaTheater]

But she has feelings for this guy and me.

 

 

Setting aside for the moment all of the other crap involved in your relationship (I particularly like the part where she forbade you from seeing or talking to your friend while she feels free to date hers), this IMO is plenty reason to tell her that since she seems to have a hard time deciding between you that you'll make the choice for her, and see her ass to the door.

[olivetree]

This is horrible.

Why do you want to marry this woman?

 

Forget about your past with your friend who sent you a few hearts in a text.

This is not even close to the same, and you cut her off immediately.

 

Your fiance is basically cheating on you, at least emotionally, and is testing the waters with the other guy while using you as a back-up plan.

 

You need to save your self-respect and break up with her.

She would respect you more too, because right now you are letting her walk all over you.

I wouldn't be surprised if she suddenly wanted to be with you if you did this, but honestly she's a cheater and needs the permanent boot.

[throwaway2k17]

You need to stand up for yourself. Start pulling away and take care of yourself for a little while. If she doesn't realize the mistake she's made over time, don't be so readily available for her if she does come back.

 

The last thing you want to do right now is wait around for her to choose between you and him. You are more valuable than that. You have options, and she needs to know you aren't going to stand for her treating you a second option.

 

I know it's hard for you, but in her presence you need to act strong and independent. Show her that you aren't going to sit idly by while she ponders the pro's and con's of you and her "friend."

[anthle702]

Wow man, I feel for you. I went through a similar situation with my EX, we had wedding plans before she ran off with her classmate..

 

I honestly would take any advice on here with a grain of salt, a lot of people here want you to just dump this girl because obviously shes not invested as she should be. But life is not that easy, but do know marriage will be even tougher.

 

My suggestion is to look up some videos about what to do when a girl pulls away. It'll allow you to understand the situation a little better, and get you two to both work towards fixing the relationship, not just her blaming you... The thing is your wedding is coming up soon, so you guys have a timeline.

 

Have you guys thought about talking to someone?

[olivetree]

Wow man, I feel for you. I went through a similar situation with my EX, we had wedding plans before she ran off with her classmate..

 

I honestly would take any advice on here with a grain of salt, a lot of people here want you to just dump this girl because obviously shes not invested as she should be. But life is not that easy, but do know marriage will be even tougher.

 

My suggestion is to look up some videos about what to do when a girl pulls away. It'll allow you to understand the situation a little better, and get you two to both work towards fixing the relationship, not just her blaming you... The thing is your wedding is coming up soon, so you guys have a timeline.

 

Have you guys thought about talking to someone?

 

This is a lot more than just pulling away... this is pulling away into the arms of another man.

 

When a woman (or man for that matter) does this and you don't show her the door, her respect and attraction will be all gone.

[springy]

"So I don't know why, but I didn't put up much of a fight and have not argued much against her seeing her friend and even staying over at his place a number of times. "

 

Are you for real? This affair has gone physical, long ago and for some reason you passively sat by as she disrespected you and your relationship and just stuck your head in the sand and decided to ignore it.

 

Make the decision for her and show her the door. You are going to have to toughen up and show her you value yourself in some sort of way, rather than sitting by, breaking down in front her, trying to convince her to choose you. Not attractive. At. All. You are showing her pure weakness; she knows that she can do what she wants, throw her fits, spend the night with her side piece, and blame everything on you, and you will just take it. For goodness sakes, this is ridiculous, that you have let this go on as you describe here.

 

You need to 180 her and show her the door, for real.

[LostOnes05]

You should have asked for your ring back when she said she was confused and wanted to continue seeing the other guy. I'd also ask her to move out promptly. That would give her a wake up call either way. But you would have to be serious, knowing that she might never come back. Don't let her walk all over you. If you want to salvage this, fine...but she has to make a decision and abide by the rules too.

[HumanMachine]

Cuddled on a sofa.. come on man do you seriously believe that?

[kgcolonel]

J,

 

Seriously, if you don't pull the plug on this, I promise you will regret it later on. She is domineering you and there is no way you can give her the "perfect" (one more chance but if you mess up one more time it's over) husband. She truly doesn't want to get married to you and yet doesn't have the courage to break it off herself.

 

The other dude is one cause but not the only reason.....she may have some sort of anxiety about commitments or something of the like, but whatever you do, step away from this situation.

 

Be clear and crisp, "I'm not continuing in a relationship where it is so one sided. We're done and you can go be with OM."

 

You can't start a M when she has one foot in two different relationships. BTW, she likely has actually slept with the OM....just saying.

[d0nnivain]

You have two choices:

 

Break up now & lose some money on the ring, the dress wedding deposits etc

 

or

 

Get married, & break up later using costly lawyers after you find out she is still carrying on a PA with this colleague from work.

 

You don't seem to be getting much out of this relationship. Why stay? If you say it's because you love her, understand she doesn't love anybody but herself.

[frigginlost]

Dude. Really?

 

I feel for ya, but the minute I read she took a picture of her in the bathtub and sent it to some other dude (nothing showing or not) she would have been put on the next train to seeyaville.

 

You marry this woman, and your life will be nothing but an instructional class on how one can remove their testicles to be conveniently placed in their wife's purse.

 

ps. She has been physical with the other dude. Sorry.

[frigginlost]

Wow man, I feel for you. I went through a similar situation with my EX, we had wedding plans before she ran off with her classmate..

 

I honestly would take any advice on here with a grain of salt, a lot of people here want you to just dump this girl because obviously shes not invested as she should be. But life is not that easy, but do know marriage will be even tougher.

 

My suggestion is to look up some videos about what to do when a girl pulls away. It'll allow you to understand the situation a little better, and get you two to both work towards fixing the relationship, not just her blaming you... The thing is your wedding is coming up soon, so you guys have a timeline.

 

Have you guys thought about talking to someone?

 

Worst advice ever.

 

What's not to understand about this "relationship"? You want this guy to understand why his girlfriend is sending pictures of herself in a bathtub to another guy? You want this guy to understand why she is playing him and this other dude against each other?

 

Let me save you the wasted time on sitting through some video, OP.

 

She's selfish and does not respect you. End of story.

 

Save what's left of your dignity, and shove her selfishness right down her throat by dumping her. She'll respect you for it...

[lolablue17]

Listen man... Generally I think that 2 people can overcome difficulties, crisis's, and even cheating.

 

But in your case I'm strongly believe that if you continue, you're gonna be miserable. Of course she's cheated on you. But it's not the cheating the i find the worst, it's her disrespecting you. And respect is a thing that is very hard to get, if it doesn't come naturally.

 

I recommend you to tell her only one sentence - "I want the ring back now!". Don't explain, don't talk at all, tell her that you're done and let her figure out for her self, why. And move forward. It's hard to accept that you lost 5 years of your life. But admitting losing is much better than ignoring reality.

[anthle702]

Worst advice ever.

 

What's not to understand about this "relationship"? You want this guy to understand why his girlfriend is sending pictures of herself in a bathtub to another guy? You want this guy to understand why she is playing him and this other dude against each other?

 

Let me save you the wasted time on sitting through some video, OP.

 

She's selfish and does not respect you. End of story.

 

Save what's left of your dignity, and shove her selfishness right down her throat by dumping her. She'll respect you for it...

 

Cheating happens man, and its obviously done because she has a void within her relationship or HERSELF that shes trying to fill. Everyone is human, and they make mistakes. They are confused, and they make promises they cant keep.

 

I'm not telling OP to stay with this girl, he should watch these videos to understand her perspective, and might give him the final push to just let this girl go..

[BarbedFenceRider]

She is distancing herself for the OM. All the fighting is staged so she can break cleanly and not reveal her infidelity. Good thing you don't have property together or kids. Bounce her. SHE IS NOT ONE FOR MARRIAGE.

 

BTW...She was doing him when she said she "wasn't interested in him". Dollar to a doughnut. You are the plan B nuisance. Get out now. Sorry bud.

[Standard-Fare]

Sadly it sounds like this relationship is beyond repair.

 

Make no mistake, she is having an affair. Who cares what they have or haven't done physically. The death knell was her choice to spend Christmas Eve with him. That was a clear sign to not only you but your entire family that she is no longer playing the role of your fiancee.

 

Even if she did agree to cut this guy out of her life entirely, that would not stop feelings for him. Her heart no longer belongs to you solely. And I can't imagine that you could ever fully trust her to not contact/see him on the sly.

 

Really, she's already made her choice, whether or not she's comfortable yet with owning up to the consequences of it.

 

Cancel that wedding stat.

[flooded]

She sounds awful. DTMFA and figure out why you tolerate such poor treatment. I'm so sorry and I know it will be difficult, but you deserve someone much better.

[clam]

She sounds awful. DTMFA and figure out why you tolerate such poor treatment. I'm so sorry and I know it will be difficult, but you deserve someone much better.

 

Agree. Time to toss this one back...

 

Stay single for awhile. Read some books. Work on yourself. Develop some self respect.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your relationship is over and has been for a while now.

 

She's quite obviously been cheating on you, emotionally and physically, and you essentially allowed that to continue right under your dang nose. She spent Christmas Eve with her affair partner, while you went to your family? Dude, where the hell is your self-respect?

 

She has been looking for reasons to end it and blame you, thus all the drama over insignificant malarkey (like the card) That isn't the problem. The problem is that she is in love with someone else and and doesn't have the stones to behave like an adult and break up with you.

 

She is giving you one more chance? That's rich. Tell her to give the ring back and get stuffed.

 

Then, you need to spend some time on your own and locate the backbone you lost somewhere along the way, man. She has been wiping her feet all over you for a long time.