Is he wrong for this?

[sweetjess1951]

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He had been previously married and unfortunately, was still officially married when we started dating. He and his wife had been separated for a while now (almost 2 years) but were unable to show proof that they were living separately for a year (she was couch hoping).

 

 

Today, he finally went to court to finalize the divorce.

 

 

I work from home but travel around my state to my different accounts. I happened to not travel too far from home today. I texted him around noon (the court hearing was at 11:30) asking him how it went. He told me it was final. I said wooohoooo and then asked him if everything went ok. He responded that they started late, but that was it. I told him I was going to meet a friend for dinner tonight and he asked me if I was home until then (home is his house - I unofficially live there). I responded that I was stopping at 2 of my accounts and then heading home. He said ok, and then I asked if he was going in to work or just coming back home to work. He didn't respond. I figured he was just busy at work.

 

 

Over an hour goes by and he responds, saying that he didn't go in to work and was on his way home. Then asked me if I was there. He said yes.

 

 

When he came in, I asked him where he was the whole time. He simply responds that he got lunch with his ex-wife and her brother.

 

 

Sooooo, I'm trying to be adult about the situation, but I have a major problem with this and mostly because I feel that he should have told me he was going to do that. Yea, it wouldn't have made me happy, but now I feel like he completely disregarded my feelings and it doesn't seem like he would have told me if I had no asked, which is an even bigger problem.

 

 

When I told him that it upset me, he acted like I had no reason to be upset. I told him that he didn't even tell me and his response was "I just did". I told him it was disrespectful to me to have lunch with his ex-wife without telling me, and I felt like he was putting her before my feelings. I told him I would never go get lunch with an ex and this is his EX-WIFE, someone he married and wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And to that, he made some comments along the lines of saying that that's why its ok, because he did marry her.

 

 

Would anyone else be upset in my shoes?

[1fish2fish]

How old is he? How long were they married? And what was the reason for the divorce?

 

My ex-h and I had lunch before attending our divorce hearing and we occasionally still have dinner together when he's in town.

 

However, our divorce was completely amicable. We simply grew apart and grew into 2 different people. But we still are great friends and have the utmost of respect for each other as human beings. And for the record, we both dated other people during our 1 year separation prior to our legal divorce. I even met his gf and we became good friends.

 

Does that mean we still have romantic feelings for each other? Oh HELL to the NO!

 

I would try and focus on the fact that he is finally legally divorced.

 

How has your dating relationship been thus far?

[sweetjess1951]

How old is he? How long were they married? And what was the reason for the divorce?

 

My ex-h and I had lunch before attending our divorce hearing and we occasionally still have dinner together when he's in town.

 

However, our divorce was completely amicable. We simply grew apart and grew into 2 different people. But we still are great friends and have the utmost of respect for each other as human beings. And for the record, we both dated other people during our 1 year separation prior to our legal divorce. I even met his gf and we became good friends.

 

Does that mean we still have romantic feelings for each other? Oh HELL to the NO!

 

I would try and focus on the fact that he is finally legally divorced.

 

How has your dating relationship been thus far?

 

 

 

He is 37. They dated for 3 years and married for 3 years. Soooo, he won't say anything negative about her or their marriage. It was just that they didn't see eye to eye on things. He did tell me that she basically decided one day that she didn't want kids and he does. She also left the divorce papers and division of property documents for him one morning when he came down before work.

 

 

Now his friends/family have a different story - that she was a self-centered, rude and hateful bitty and treated him like crap.

 

 

She also cheated on him and is still with the guy to this day - but he won't admit to that either.

 

 

Were you dating someone when you get lunch/dinner with your ex-husband?

 

 

Even though I wouldn't be too excited about him getting lunch with his ex-wife and her brother, I wouldn't be as upset about it if he told me before he went - like "hey babe. I'm going to grab lunch with my ex-wife and her brother, just to be polite. Wanted to let you know and I love you".

 

 

But the fact that he didn't tell me, didn't respond to my text to him for over and hour and then nonchalantly told me when I asked him what he was doing this whole time, then proceeded to act I had no reason to be upset, is my problem.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah you can be upset. It certainly would have been better & more transparent if he told you of his plans.

 

They were married. Now they are divorce. The emotions people feel on the say of their divorces run the gamut. He was probably very off kilter. This was most likely some attempt to maintain or keep the peace. Just because they couldn't be married doesn't mean it needs to be all out war.

 

If he's no longer in contact with her just let it be if you can.

[sweetjess1951]

Yeah you can be upset. It certainly would have been better & more transparent if he told you of his plans.

 

They were married. Now they are divorce. The emotions people feel on the say of their divorces run the gamut. He was probably very off kilter. This was most likely some attempt to maintain or keep the peace. Just because they couldn't be married doesn't mean it needs to be all out war.

 

If he's no longer in contact with her just let it be if you can.

 

I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but why would I believe he’s no longer in contact with her if he couldn’t be up front about what he was doing?

[Gaeta]

How old are you?

 

You sound controlling and if you keep it up this relationship will come to an end soon. He did nothing wrong, he had lunch with his ex that had to be there and on top of that she was with her brother. There is nothing disrespectful here. Can the man take an hour off for lunch without reporting to you?

[1fish2fish]

 

 

Were you dating someone when you get lunch/dinner with your ex-husband?

Yes, I was. I dated the complete opposite of my ex husband (and to this day he teases me about dating the "anti-Robert"). I was dating an alcoholic who had deep insecurity issues and could not deal with the fact that I was still friends with exH. I did my best to reassure him that I hadn't slept with the exH for 3 years prior to our separation and no way in hell was I going to start now. I even put my friendship with the exH on a shelf and cut contact with him just to appease the bf, but in the end, his addictions ended our r'ship, thankfully.

 

 

Even though I wouldn't be too excited about him getting lunch with his ex-wife and her brother, I wouldn't be as upset about it if he told me before he went - like "hey babe. I'm going to grab lunch with my ex-wife and her brother, just to be polite. Wanted to let you know and I love you".

 

Valid point. That would have been very reassuring of him and would have gone a long to way to strengthen your current relationship. Unless your bf is completely obtuse, he has to know that having lunch with an ex-spouse would raise some flags in a partner and they would need a bit of reassurance.

 

 

I agree that him not trying to understand and validate your feelings is worrisome, and I would also take issue with it.

 

I hope you both can work things out and he will give you the reassurance you need, otherwise, your relationship may not continue. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I'm not saying you have to believe him. I am saying if you aren't willing to dump him right here, right now, & not look back the only sane option open to you is to assume it was a one off thing based on the unusual circumstances but do keep your eyes & ears open. If a second thing doesn't add up then you have the beginnings of a pattern, a concrete reason not to trust him & justification to walk. You don't have to go through all that. You can just decide that what he did was unforgivable & walk away now. The unhealthiest choice would be to stay & badger him & punish him about this for the foreseeable future.

[preraph]

I've been through divorces with separated/divorcing guys and it's always tough and this type stuff ALWAYS happens. Like he's going over to the wife's on the weekend to divide their belongings, but she gets too emotional, so they just go to dinner instead. Like they disappear for two weeks because they are knee deep in going through the emotions with their wife and deciding for sure if divorce is really what they want.

 

Being married to someone and then ripping your life apart is a big emotional process. They always get sentimental dividing their things, understandably. Of course, they're going to both feel a loss walking away at the courthouse. i mean, they did love each other enough to marry. So it's just no small deal. Maybe they had lunch just as a show of civility and to make each other feel like they weren't hating on each other, which is healthy.

 

As long as he doesn't seem to maintain contact with her and she and he both move forward in their lives and one or the other isn't trying to reconcile, put it behind you. Remember, he did finalize the divorce that day. Big decision. In his mind, he probably sees you as nitpicking at the very time he finalized the divorce, making it official he was no longer with her.

 

Now that it's over, this type thing shouldn't keep recurring. If it does, then you can worry about it, but yesterday should hopefully have been "goodbye."

[sweetjess1951]

I've been through divorces with separated/divorcing guys and it's always tough and this type stuff ALWAYS happens. Like he's going over to the wife's on the weekend to divide their belongings, but she gets too emotional, so they just go to dinner instead. Like they disappear for two weeks because they are knee deep in going through the emotions with their wife and deciding for sure if divorce is really what they want.

 

Being married to someone and then ripping your life apart is a big emotional process. They always get sentimental dividing their things, understandably. Of course, they're going to both feel a loss walking away at the courthouse. i mean, they did love each other enough to marry. So it's just no small deal. Maybe they had lunch just as a show of civility and to make each other feel like they weren't hating on each other, which is healthy.

 

As long as he doesn't seem to maintain contact with her and she and he both move forward in their lives and one or the other isn't trying to reconcile, put it behind you. Remember, he did finalize the divorce that day. Big decision. In his mind, he probably sees you as nitpicking at the very time he finalized the divorce, making it official he was no longer with her.

 

Now that it's over, this type thing shouldn't keep recurring. If it does, then you can worry about it, but yesterday should hopefully have been "goodbye."

 

I understand all this. I’ve never been through a divorce so I can’t say I’ve felt the pain first hand. However, they’ve been separated for almost 2 years. She’s been dating the same guy she cheated on him with in fact, they live together. He’s been dating me for 9 months. We basically live together and have talked about marriage and children.

 

And I don’t deserve a courtesy heads up that he’s going to lunch with his ex wife and her brother, whatever the reason? That’s why I’m upset. The fact that I had to ask, he had multiple opportunities to tell me what he was doing and when I asked him why he didn’t tell me, he said “I just did”.

 

I understand they have history, but I’m his girlfriend. And I deserve a little more respect than that.

[smackie9]

He didn't trust you, to tell you because of how you will react. As they say it's easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.

 

The proceedings/end of that marriage has no involvement of you, that's probably why he just wanted to do this on his own, in his own way.

[Gaeta]

I understand all this. I’ve never been through a divorce so I can’t say I’ve felt the pain first hand. However, they’ve been separated for almost 2 years. She’s been dating the same guy she cheated on him with in fact, they live together. He’s been dating me for 9 months. We basically live together and have talked about marriage and children.

 

And I don’t deserve a courtesy heads up that he’s going to lunch with his ex wife and her brother, whatever the reason? That’s why I’m upset. The fact that I had to ask, he had multiple opportunities to tell me what he was doing and when I asked him why he didn’t tell me, he said “I just did”.

 

I understand they have history, but I’m his girlfriend. And I deserve a little more respect than that.

 

I don't understand *at all* why you are so upset. You trust him or you don't? do you still think he has feelings for his ex like in your last thread? so that's why you act paranoi?

 

So what he didn't tell you? He's a grown man, he doesn't need to inform you ahead of time who he'll have lunch with.

 

If my bf has lunch with his ex because they happen to be in court at the same time OR because he just ran into her in town, I don't give a heck, I trust him. I trust he can have lunch with his ex like a civilized man and then come home to me.

 

It looks like his ex has been a source of jealousy to you since the very beginning.

[Miss Spider]

I think you're overreacting a bit

[spiderowl]

I don't know whether he has mistreated you or not in this situation but he just got a divorce. This a big thing for him and his ex-wife. He is bound to find it emotionally demanding and even confusing. I think you could expect for him not to be jumping for joy and shouting 'woohoo!' It is the end of a part of his life. He may have found your response to his announcement that he was divorced a bit shallow. I appreciate you are coming from a different place to him.

 

I think you need to step back and let this guy get his bearings a bit. He may be sad/mixed up/joyful - who knows? I don't think you can assume he has the same feelings as you do about it.

[Iseult]

Sooooo, I'm trying to be adult about the situation...

You're not doing so well at it. The phrase "choose your battles" come to mind. Children will complain and cry about every little indignity that happens upon them. As adults, we learn to brush off minor offenses, roll with the punches on others, and denounce or reject the most heinous. Think carefully about where this fits on your scale.

[act00]

I don't understand their relationship, but one thing I'm sure of, you would have been equally p*ssed if he told you ahead of time he was planning to grab lunch afterwards with the BIL and exWife. Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness then to ask permission...not that it's right, but he knew it would not go over with you, and probably a lot because he didn't invite you to join and wouldn't.

 

I wouldn't be pleased with it, TBH, but in my last relationship that was exceptionally short, 2-1/2 months, the two of them were separated (in separate households, and I'm not sure legally) for a couple years before they made it official with divorce because it was time...for various reasons. Now from what I gather, they still spend some holidays together with the kiddos and family and of course any events with the kids, and while I found the situation odd and uncomfortable, it's not a foreign concept to me. Ex-couples still maintain friendships sometimes. We didn't go out long enough for me to be immersed in this friendship type situation. They bickered a bit around the kids. Overall, they were split...done, over, finished from what I could tell.

 

You've been with this guy for 9 months, they don't live together, they finally made it official, and they grabbed lunch after...odd, and again, I would be uncomfortable with it, but unless there are other issues with your boyfriend and his ex that are causing red flags, causing you to wonder if the situation is over, whether or not your boyfriend has moved forward and moved on, whether she has let go, then I think you might be creating more drama than it's worth.

 

It was lunch with a BIL that he just lost in the divorce.

[Versacehottie]

It seems like they all went to lunch to kinda do an "end of an era" kind of thing....and to show themselves that they could be adult about it. I hardly think he wanted to let you know so you could try to get him to stop going like he was a baby or your kid. I mean being married and joining a family are two of the most important decisions one makes in life and even if they did a casual lunch, I get it. I just think it was for a bit of nostalgia and so they could walk away from this point in their lives like it's all ok, we're ok. Kinda like things people do at wakes or funerals in the sentimental or happier moments. Not explaining it well but it makes sense to me.

 

I agree with whoever said "pick your battles". Sure, was it the best that he hid this from you? No. Honestly though, what would your reaction have been? I'm guessing not good or a burden on him on this already heavy day. I think even if you are no longer in love with someone there are probably a huge mix of emotions on the finalizing of a divorce. I think you should, as an adult, let him have this moment. (this might be one time I stand behind closure!! because it's not trying to get answers just kinda wrapping things up with someone so now that it's ended you can walk away with a decent ending).

 

If I were him, this is the wrong fight to pick. Because he is going to be thinking: i just divorced my wife and it's not good enough for her? It's too much especially with all the other emotions going on in his head. I'd pick this moment to be supportive. If there are future things with the ex-wife that tread on YOUR ability to be together then chose those times to go over with him. By what you have said, there don't seem to be any issues with the ex other than this lunch, so leave it alone. ps by the way he avoided telling you, he is already showing you that he doesn't trust that he will get a supportive reaction from you or is worried that you are going to battle him on what he does.

[Flame Aura]

I completely agree with you OP. People seem to be missing the fact its not the lunch thats the problem but that he didnt feel able to tell you the truth for whatever reason.

 

If he completely trusted you he could and should have told you the truth because you're his girlfriend.

[Arieswoman]

sweetjess1951,

 

I’ve never been through a divorce so I can’t say I’ve felt the pain first hand.

 

I think this is the crux of the matter.

 

Even people who agree to get divorced still feel incredibly hurt by the process.

There is no way to describe the feelings that arise when the finality of it all sinks in and you have that piece of paper in your hand that tells you that a slice of your life has just been made null and void..

There there is the "what onlys" and self-blame, the feeling of failure and the regrets that need to be processed.

 

Getting divorced is nothing to celebrate and your "wooohooo!" reaction was insensitive to say the least.

 

This is why it isn't a good idea to get involved with anyone who is "separated". Unless they have a decree nisi in their hand and have processed the emotional aspect of the divorce, they aren't really ready to give themslves completely to another relationship.

 

However, you're living with him now and have to work with what you've got.

 

You b/f will need love, patience and understanding while he negotiates this poignant part of his life. He needs an ally not a critic.

 

He did nothing wrong.

[GemmaUK]

I think you're over reacting.

Surely it's better for all concerned that this ends on an adult, amicable note?

 

he is your partner, he shouldn't have to check in with you before a one off innocent situation such as this.

 

If he purposely didn't tell you then he didn't trust you wouldn't kick off about it.

His instinct was right, you have now kicked off and I suspect you would have even if he had told you in advance that he was going to lunch with them.

[smackie9]

I completely agree with you OP. People seem to be missing the fact its not the lunch thats the problem but that he didnt feel able to tell you the truth for whatever reason.

 

If he completely trusted you he could and should have told you the truth because you're his girlfriend.

Exactly! And the OP should be asking herself, what is she doing to make him not trust her.

[Popsicle]

He went to court that day with his ex wife and then they had lunch right afterwards. This doesn't sound like a big deal to me as people often to go lunch after they have business together. It almost sounds like you were insecure (and rightly so) with dating him in the first place because he wasn't divorced yet. This was your bad. You should have told him to contact you after it's finalized.

[Lamartine]

The only thing I think he did wrong was not tell you.

 

I think it's a good thing that he can remain on friendly terms with his ex. To me, it shows maturity. And the fact that her brother was there eliminates any real risk that it was an attempt at reconciliation. More likely than not, they were ending their marriage in an amicable manner. My husband and I remained friends after our divorce, and it was never an issue

 

The day I went to divorce court was awful, even though I was not in love with my husband any more. I was completely out of it, and it seems like a blur.

 

I would be as supportive as you can during what is a hard transition for him--or anyone. Do you have any other reason to suspect he might not be trustworthy?

[sweetjess1951]

The only thing I think he did wrong was not tell you.

 

I think it's a good thing that he can remain on friendly terms with his ex. To me, it shows maturity. And the fact that her brother was there eliminates any real risk that it was an attempt at reconciliation. More likely than not, they were ending their marriage in an amicable manner. My husband and I remained friends after our divorce, and it was never an issue

 

The day I went to divorce court was awful, even though I was not in love with my husband any more. I was completely out of it, and it seems like a blur.

 

I would be as supportive as you can during what is a hard transition for him--or anyone. Do you have any other reason to suspect he might not be trustworthy?

 

My only issue is that he didn’t tell me. And yes to who said it - this situation has made me a bit insecure. For our entire relationship, he’s been separated. I can’t say I would have been super excited about them getting lunch (who would), but I would have respected and appreciated him being up front about it.

 

Why didn’t he tell me? He claims that I would have been upset regardless. But he chose the worse of the 2 (in my opinion) because I feel like he was hiding it. Not to mention if I did that, he would freak out. It also doesn’t help that that morning, he was joking about them working things out.

 

I understand that divorces can be painful, and I respect people being amicable about it, but I don’t see why they would need to remain friends or even catch-up. I mean, did they both talk about their significant others? That’s weird to me.

 

Anyways, that last paragraph is more a rant. But she’s no longer in his life. And I am. And I feel like he didn’t consider me or my feelings when he chose to not tell me they were grabbing lunch.

Edited January 9, 2018 by sweetjess1951

[sweetjess1951]

Once he realized how you felt about it - did he apologize? Did he consider how this made you feel?

 

He didn’t. We talked right as he was leaving court and he didn’t mention lunch to me. I thought he went in to work the whole time until I realized when he got home that he never went to work, and I asked him what he was doing this whole time. He didn’t even look me in the face when he told me. He was messing with his phone and said he met his ex-wife and brother. I honestly thought he was joking. He went upstairs, changed and came back down. That’s when I asked him if he was forreal that he went to lunch with them and he said yes, barely making eye contact the entire conversation. I asked him why he didn’t tell me and his response was “I just did”. I told him that it was extremely hurtful to me that he would do that without telling me before hand. He asked why. I said because I wouldn’t do that to him. And his response was (I don’t remember word for word) that it’s not like she was just an ex girlfriend, that she was his wife, he married her and that’s why it’s ok. That made me even more upset and hurt.

 

It didn’t stop there. I had made plans to get dinner with one of my girlfriend that night well before I knew it was his court date. I haven’t see her in a while so I didn’t cancel, but planned on making it a quick dinner. It wasn’t an issue that he got lunch with his ex wife, but it was an issue I chose to “go out” and should have known I should stay at home and hang out with him to celebrate closing a chapter in his life and making him excited about the next. He was hateful and rude to me, but despite that, I stopped at the store on the way home to get a cupcake and bottle of champagne. When I got back home, he completely ignored me and ate the cupcake by himself while he played video games online with his friends.