A very awkward age to be in the dating world

[Standard-Fare]

I'm a single F, about to turn 37. Never married, no kids.

 

After avoiding dating for a couple years, I feel ready now to get back in the swing of things. But I acknowledge I'm at an awkward age for this. By most people's standards, I'm "too old" to start a family. Yet I'm also not completely past the point of no return.

 

My feelings on children also fall into a strange gray area. While I was never one of those "I NEED to have kids" types, I always felt that I'd consider the possibility if I found the right relationship for it. Well, that just never ended up being the case. At this point I've pretty much accepted that it's not happening, and I don't feel devastated over it.

 

However, I have to admit that I can also imagine a couple scenarios (however far-fetched) that might change my mind. If I found the right guy and things moved very quickly, for example. Or if I found a partner who wanted to explore adoption. To be clear, though, these are not secret fantasies I'm pinning my hopes on -- I just have an open mind.

 

So, with online dating, I simply don't know how to describe my status. Saying "I don't want kids" seems disingenuous, since I was never that hardline with it and still am not. But saying "I want kids" also isn't right, and I'm sure would scare off any potential dates who could do the math and assume I'm on a rushed timeline.

 

Yes, I could always just leave that question blank, but I feel that it's an elephant in the room regardless. It's relevant for whoever's dating me for anything beyond a fling.

 

Any suggestions on how to approach this? And please, I'm not looking for any judgments or burns. Of course I realize that for most women this issue is more cut and dry, and they've already finalized their big decisions by my age.

[d0nnivain]

I met my husband when I was 39.

 

Is there another choice like still on the fence? Other wise leave it blank.

[Standard-Fare]

I met my husband when I was 39.

 

Is there another choice like still on the fence? Other wise leave it blank.

 

DOnnivain, how did the kids issue factor in with you in that situation?

 

I should also be clear that I am first and foremost interested in finding love. I don't even give a sh*t about getting married — never have —*I'd just like to find a partner. And I am open-minded about any way kids may or may not come up in this scenario, whether I'd be dating someone who already has kids, or someone who doesn't want them, or someone who is open to exploring possibilities.

[SpinScratch]

I'm a single F, about to turn 37. Never married, no kids.

 

After avoiding dating for a couple years, I feel ready now to get back in the swing of things. But I acknowledge I'm at an awkward age for this. By most people's standards, I'm "too old" to start a family. Yet I'm also not completely past the point of no return.

 

My feelings on children also fall into a strange gray area. While I was never one of those "I NEED to have kids" types, I always felt that I'd consider the possibility if I found the right relationship for it. Well, that just never ended up being the case. At this point I've pretty much accepted that it's not happening, and I don't feel devastated over it.

 

However, I have to admit that I can also imagine a couple scenarios (however far-fetched) that might change my mind. If I found the right guy and things moved very quickly, for example. Or if I found a partner who wanted to explore adoption. To be clear, though, these are not secret fantasies I'm pinning my hopes on -- I just have an open mind.

 

So, with online dating, I simply don't know how to describe my status. Saying "I don't want kids" seems disingenuous, since I was never that hardline with it and still am not. But saying "I want kids" also isn't right, and I'm sure would scare off any potential dates who could do the math and assume I'm on a rushed timeline.

 

Yes, I could always just leave that question blank, but I feel that it's an elephant in the room regardless. It's relevant for whoever's dating me for anything beyond a fling.

 

Any suggestions on how to approach this? And please, I'm not looking for any judgments or burns. Of course I realize that for most women this issue is more cut and dry, and they've already finalized their big decisions by my age.

Honestly you're not at an awkward age. You're a rare gem lol I've had my radar going for a woman in her 30's who has never been married and has no kids. Kinda hard to find. So there are men out there looking for that. Im 34 in the same boat.

 

Cant you just say... I dont have any kids but I'm open to the possibility

[lovephule]

I'd leave it blank and say essentially what you've said here if it comes up in conversation.

Do you have the same internal reaction to a man's profile if it says "wants children" vs "doesn't want children?"

[d0nnivain]

DOnnivain, how did the kids issue factor in with you in that situation?

 

I should also be clear that I am first and foremost interested in finding love. I don't even give a sh*t about getting married — never have —*I'd just like to find a partner. And I am open-minded about any way kids may or may not come up in this scenario, whether I'd be dating someone who already has kids, or someone who doesn't want them, or someone who is open to exploring possibilities.

 

 

Like you I was open to kids but not chomping at the bit to have them.

 

DH is 5 years younger then I am. About a month in I had a mini freak out because if he dated a woman 5 years younger then him, she'd be in her 20s while I was approaching 40. We actually talked about kids & he said he wanted kids but was open to adoption. Life never gave us kids but that is another issue.

 

We also didn't meet OL.

[carhill]

OP, my exW was about your age when we met, she was childless but had been divorced twice, had a number of guys dating her and I had to employ every last skill I possessed just to stay in the game.

 

Demographics. Where I'm typing this from is my old home, the one from my marriage and life history, and the demographic here was strong female demand. More men than women.

 

You'd last a week here. I remember when one customer's employee your age first tickled me with the 'I'm available' thing a few years back, I did a bit of digging and found out she was still married but that didn't stop half the shop from wanting to either get into her pants or date her and when she did finally divorce, three kids and all, her dance card was full.

 

I saw the reverse decades ago when traveling to demographics where men were in demand. I was about your age, maybe a couple years younger. Suddenly, I was attractive

 

Funny how that works.

[Standard-Fare]

@d0nnivain: Cool story, and refreshing to hear. Too many people act like our lives are scripts that must be set in stone in our 20s. I have never bought into that, and in fact feel sorry for people who do.

 

@Carhill, interesting thoughts, but I guess I'm not so much worried about my lack of viability on the dating scene as I am about the pressure that comes, at my age, for the kids issue to be a make-or-break factor.

 

I'm just thinking about whether I should rule out from the get-go the idea of dating any man who's intent on having biological children, assuming they don't rule me out first.

 

These types of questions of course factor into any relationship between college age and middle age, but for me they've never carried so much weight as they do right now. Frankly, it's a bummer, but I know I need to find a way to handle this so it's NOT a bummer in my dating life.

[carhill]

My mom was your age when I was born and that was back in the 50's. First child for her at 37.

 

ExW and I tried unsuccessfully to have children and yeah there was some pressure while dating to use that BC but we did until we got married.

 

You'll meet guys who don't have kids and want them, guys who don't have kids and don't want them, guys who have kids and don't want any more, etc, etc. It sorts itself out. In my case I did pick the younger childless lady over an older, equally lovely lady who had reached the end of her fertility, had two daughters and didn't want the baby thing already having a lovely granddaughter. That was one guy, one decision. With more iterations, which you apparently state aren't an issue, more likely to find a good match.

 

Barring lack of available men, I don't see any awkwardness here and I didn't get married until 41 so dated during your age period plenty. The main thing was there were very few unmarried men or women; all I dated were divorced and all had children. It was expected. My exW was the only woman I ever dated post high school who didn't have children.

 

On the profile just leave the kids thing blank and include a sentence reflecting your authentic views in the description area. Back when OLD first came into being I tried it and simply put 'I like kids' in my description and left it at that.

[Highndry]

37 is an awesome age for women, about the pinnacle of beauty. Of course, I find women of all ages beautiful but I'm just saying you've got nothing to worry about.

[Maggie4]

That's right, as you said yourself, your problem is not your age, the awkwardness is about children. You are allowed to be unsure when you haven't even met a guy.

As for online, just leave it blank. I think you worry too much about missing out on a potential match. Don't worry. People don't read carefully. Men are mostly just looking at pictures.

[Chilli]

Yeah , nothin to worry about , great age and almost a bonus you got no ex's and kids from a guys point of view.

 

On my date site they always say if they got kids or not or if they don't want anymore or whatever.

 

l don't think it matters though so early on in your case.

Plenty on mine just say they don't have kids and that's it. No need to bother with more.

He'd also just know you still have time if you fell in love or there's other options, if he still wanted a family .

lt'd only even matter anyway on the slim chance you maybe meet mr right on there.

[HowToGetHimToCommit]

Hey Standard-Fare,

 

I wouldn't say it's all that late for you and there are guys out there in your age category who may also be open to having kids.

 

Regarding what to say on oyur profile though, I'd put something like 'I'm open minded', or 'I'm open to having kids with the right person, but it's not essential for me'. That way you're being honest and you shouldn't frighten anyone off. I'm a guy and that wouldn't put me off if I was or wasn't wanting kids.

 

Best of luck!

[central]

I got back into the dating world in my early 40s. I was surprised at how many women I dated that hadn't been married and/or didn't have kids (like you, mid to late 30s). It wasn't an issue dating, except I would ask if they wanted kids - because I definitely did not want more! If we were in agreement on that, we'd move forward and see what developed, otherwise, we'd have to both keep looking.

[Miss Spider]

I'm 10 yrs younger than you and its still a worry some guys have I think. (Usually guys around my age to a few years older which I pretty much exclusively date.)They'll say "I want kids, but I really haven't decided when though" and I just bertstare them because I didn't mention kids and I have decided against having children for ethical reasons so not happening unless I become a stepmom.

 

 

Just say you're open to them if it happens but okay if it doesn't..because that's the truth!

[Mkn1010]

Not here to judge, but rather to say that I can definitely relate as my own goals (or lack thereof) relating to being a mother are pretty aligned with yours, albeit I'm 31. When I was trying online dating, I definitely did not mention my intentions in that regard on my profile.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with having a "live and let live" approach. If someone asks you about your views on having children, then sure mention it then. I honestly think there are so many women desperate to meet certain milestones in their lives and it's really off-putting. Just be yourself, I'm an outlier among women my age and have actually been asked if I'm a lesbian because of my laidback approach and not trying to literally count the days until I lock a guy down. I think men will certainly appreciate your views too.