deadoralive4 Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 So yeah just as the title says. I met this girl on OkCupid in like November? and we've been talking on and off since then. I tried setting up a date with her in December, but she had finals apparently and was studying. I didn't hear from her for a week and messaged her again asking if everything is alright, she cave me some it's not you, it's me, thing saying she can't go out because she still has a lot of work to do. See, I'm not really good at the dating game, and tend to over analyze things way too much. I got heartbroken by the first girl I loved 3 months ago, I guess I'm still feeling the effects of being rejected. Anyways, I said I'd give her time and she apparently really appreciated that and said we should get to know each other more and we'll decide after finals/vacation. Welp, that time came, I tried to give her space and go about my life, until yesterday I texted her somewhat salty in a respectful way saying something like it's disrespectful to ghost someone, because she didn't reply to me for over a week, I assumed she'd never get back as she almost always responds quickly. We talked and I think things were going my way, I was gunna finally set up a date I was exicted as I'd really enjoyed talking to her, well at least throught text. Then, I get hit with the "So the thing is I have a boyfriend now and I thought I told you about this before but I actually didn't I just checked the history....Just so you know i'm sorry I didn't say this earlier" And yeah as soon as I saw this I got extremely bitter. Am I right to feel like this, I told her it wasn't right to lead me on and that it's rude to not take the other person's feelings into consideration. She then keeps apologizing for blah blah. My real question is, what do I even do? Just stop talking to her? I tried being nice and respectful of her space and this is where it got me it seems. from what she sent me a few weeks ago she didn't seem to have a boyfriend, so how the hell does she get one when she's apparently studying hard for finals and going on vacation with family? Yeah, I probably sound pathetic, but I just really expected something out of this. Who knows maybe she doesn't even have a boyfriend and is lying to me to shoo her off? I don't know either way I'm still pretty butthurt and want to tell her off, but I know that will take me know where just make me look bad. What was she really thinking, and what should I do from now on? Again, I'm not too good at this, so any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 For now you simply leave her be. Going forward you realize when people on dating sites don't make it easy for you to meet them they are not interested in meeting & you move on to the next person. You don't know that she had a BF when she started to talk to you. Probably she was multi-dating then decided to pick this other guy. When you didn't take the hint that her silence lack of response was showing you, she finally told straight up. She may not even really have a BF; she may be telling you she does just so you stop talking to her. Either way you move on to the next girl. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) She then keeps apologizing for blah blah. My real question is, what do I even do? Just stop talking to her? I tried being nice and respectful of her space and this is where it got me it seems. from what she sent me a few weeks ago she didn't seem to have a boyfriend, so how the hell does she get one when she's apparently studying hard for finals and going on vacation with family? Yeah, I probably sound pathetic, but I just really expected something out of this. Who knows maybe she doesn't even have a boyfriend and is lying to me to shoo her off? I don't know either way I'm still pretty butthurt and want to tell her off, but I know that will take me know where just make me look bad. What was she really thinking, and what should I do from now on? Again, I'm not too good at this, so any advice would be appreciated, thanks guys Yes you stop talking to her. Whether she has a bf or she's just trying to shoo you off, the result is the same. She's not interested. It sucks, but not every girl is going to be interested and not all will have good form about telling you, but you can still maintain your dignity by how you react to it. Don't reach out to her again. Walk away and move on. If you contact her again, it will just further substantiate to her you are a psycho bullet she dodged. Delete her number if you are tempted. When someone ghosts you, they are saying without words they aren't interested and also that they don't have respect for you, so they are better off gone. Have to learn to brush off the rejection and move on because the sooner you do the sooner you'll find a match. Sorry this happened Edited January 8, 2018 by Cookiesandough 4
salparadise Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 ...realize when people on dating sites don't make it easy for you to meet them they are not interested As you gain experience you will realize that the above ^ is mostly true. Not only that, but who wants to deal with someone who is always too busy to say "yes, I'd love to?" They have a thousand things going on and it feels like you're the lowest priority on a long list of options. I met a woman a few months ago that I'd love to date, but the first date took two weeks to schedule, and the second date finally occurred six weeks after that. Then there were the holidays and her large circle of friends and family having parties and such. She acts enthusiastic and the two dates were pretty good, but damn, I just got worn out trying to get a spot on her schedule. I feel like telling her exactly that, but there's no point. It is what it is. Silence speaks volumes. 1
O'Malley Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Don't invest strongly in potential or 'someday/sometime'. While rejection stings, it happens to everyone and it's very common for people to disappear in the initial stages of interaction and dating, even if you felt a strong connection. It's easy to develop one sided chemistry even while the other person isn't feeling it. When someone is very interested in you, they respond to your contacts and make concrete plans: if they can't find the time to meetup for coffee or drinks, wish them well but stop contacting them and start meeting other people. Focus more on the progression of contact and overall compatibility in face to face interactions. Learn how to roll with the punches and accept that not everyone you'll be interested in will reciprocate and vice versa. A 'busy' signal is an indicator of a lack of interest, which is your cue to move on. 2
mortensorchid Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Rejection hurts all of us in some way or another, but don't take this as personally. You and this woman never even met face to face. What's her last name? I bet you don't know. And she was never that into you to begin with. If I was interested I would tell that person (even if it was someone I was chatting with online in some way) something like "I have a lot of things going on right now, but I promise you I will meet you sometime after [date]". Otherwise it's just not a priority. Know how many internet dates I have been on with people I met, became Facebook friends with, never heard from them again, remained Facebook friends with them, then see many weeks/months later that they were with someone else? It's just what it is. It's not like you had a relationship with this person and she dumped you saying she was not ready for this, then immediately took up with someone else and married them. She was just a stranger. Move on.
basil67 Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 I tried setting up a date with her in December, but she had finals apparently and was studying. Deadoralive, you made a rookie mistake. But that's OK, you sound young and it's how we all learn. For the record, it's at this above point that you would have been wise to seriously dial back your interest. The only time you would ever wait for a girl who says this would be: 1. You know her quite well face to face AND 2. The two of you get on really well and she seems otherwise really keen AND 2. She's dialed back on all of her social life to concentrate on her studies. Online dating is ruthless and I would suggest you need a very thick skin and some serious resilience if you are to head in this direction. Also in online dating, know that you're a small fish in a big pond. I'm not sure how old you are, but are you at an age where you can meet girls face to face at school/college/house parties ? It's a far better way to go. 1
Iseult Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Yeah, I probably sound pathetic... At least you're not completely clueless.
act00 Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 She was multidating and there was one guy she ultimately chose. Busy people are always "sketchy." You don't know if they're dating someone else or they're genuinely just busy with their lives, but the bottom line is, there is no time for you. You will wonder why they're on a dating app and actively pursuing dating if there isn't the time to do it. Consider that if they are too busy to set something up...finals, etc., they're probably not interested. The reality is, do you want to be with someone so busy and unavailable? I don't think it will hurt to toss in that text to check in later when they said they would be free...you never know...but don't get yourself all hopeful and wrapped up in it. If it works out, great. If not, you pretty much expected it. Drop the rope. No, you should not contact her again. It's clear where she stands. It hurts, but you're not "it" for her. Move on to the next. Set up a date sooner over later. A month of texting, IMO, is too long. Try to get a date solidified within a week, maybe two. Around the holidays, you kind of have to accept busy schedules and it might be a little more difficult, so you accept some leeway, but if you can't get something out of her in a week to two weeks, it could be she's not interested, met/dating someone else, or wants a penpal. No meet, no text.
GemmaUK Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 If you ask someone for a date and they say it's not possible for whatever reason you should always just move on and take it as a no thanks. People are not obligated to tell all about their personal life. 1
Trip2TheSky Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 I think you deserve better. Don't feel rejected, because maybe she wants you and is in a bad place in her personal life with that so called boyfriend and I say that because in my situation I was kept from following my heart by being with the wrong guy by choosing loyalty over my first love and first choice in life. I was manipulated into a vortex of lies and deceit by the man who turned out to be a total opposite of who he was in the beginning. I say this to you, because she may be trapped by a guy like I was. Ask her to choose, because those key words would have made me choose the one I always wanted and those texts you shared revealed to me that you two have a connection going on. Be patient with her and don't take her flakiness to heart.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Yes, it is disappointing to hear she has a boyfriend. But I am curious why you felt this could really go somewhere when you two never even went out? It sounds to me like you're putting your eggs in baskets you haven't even seen yet. Be careful about building up expectations before you get to know someone in person.
Standard-Fare Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Next time, instead of "talking on and off" for a couple months, make that a couple DAYS, before you straight-up ask the girl out. Don't bother investing any time or feelings in someone before you've had a face-to-face date. Even then, assume that they're going on multiple dates. It sounds like this girl could have been a little more tactful and direct with you, but at the end of the day she doesn't owe you much. You two haven't even met — you do not actually know each other. As others have said, you gotta cut off contact at this point. Any further attempts to pursue her would be read as aggressive. So yes, delete her number. 1
stillafool Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 I say this to you, because she may be trapped by a guy like I was. Ask her to choose, because those key words would have made me choose the one I always wanted and those texts you shared revealed to me that you two have a connection going on. Be patient with her and don't take her flakiness to heart. She has already chosen - someone else.
heavenonearth Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 People on dating sites always date more than one person. And if you meet someone who you vibe with, you need to let someone else off easy.. it sucks, but at least she was honest. I had to do that last summer with a guy I was dating beside my now boyfriend, and it was not pretty
No_Go Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 People on dating sites always date more than one person. Well always is a bit of generalization I personally never date 2 people in parallel - if it goes to second date, this is it - until it is completely certain it is not going to work - I'm not going on dates with others (or even chatting to others). I bet she is making up this excuse to get OP stop contacting her....
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