It’s all my fault

[Von80]

I am absolutely devastated beyond words right now so I think it will help if I write for advice here in detail so I can get some 3rd party perspective.

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together and living together for about 3 1/2 years now. She is in her mid 20’s and I’m about to turn 40. We got into a huge drunken fight on new years and she left that night. She finally came back 2 days later and broke up with me. I have never had a breakup that hurts so bad. She has a daughter that sees me as her father, its just crushing me to be losing my family I love so much. When she broke up with me it wasn’t just about that fight, she said we needed to be apart because of my issues which she told me was lack of affection, not paying enough attention, not listening to her or letting her express herself to me without me getting irritated or upset, she felt she had to walk on eggshells, that I have a really bad temper and would snap at her. I said some really mean things to her that night and have before. We had fought about those things over the years, but I never really put enough effort into fixing them. We had never broken up because we loved each other so much. But I had become really complacent and it was like I was some other guy running on auto pilot. Neither of us ever cheated or anything like that but she did accuse me a few times of looking at other women on social media. I did do it a few times but I hadn’t for quite awhile even though she thought I did in a recent fight. I am so ashamed that I would treat someone I love so much that way. There was so many reasons why she would leave me and I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner now. This has been the biggest wake up call of my life.

 

So I did do some begging and pleading at the breakup even though I know better than to do that but there was nothing I could do to convince her to give me a chance to fix my issues. I did ask her if there was someone else involved and she said no. She gathered some clothes and left. On top of this, her mom was recently diagnosed with cancer is going through treatment and it is extremely hard for her. Her mom helps alot with her daughter too but can’t now so that is also difficult. I did not hear from her until yesterday when she came to get some more clothes. We talked briefly and I asked her if this is what she really wants and she reiterated that we need time to be apart because my issues and she listed off some of my issues again. I told her that this is the hardest thing I will ever go through, and is a huge wake up call and that I will use all my strength to fix my issues so that this never happens again. She said would could still talk. She said she would be by this week to gather the rest of her things to put in storage.

 

I have been out of contact since yesterday afternoon when I had an epiphany and realized all of the the things I had been doing wrong, so I text her to apologize for hurting her enough to leave me and listed all the things I realized I had been doing wrong, how I got complacent and disconnected. I told her I am putting 100% of my effort into making myself a better man and getting myself back. I explained how at this point I know I screwed up but I can do something about this, that this is my woman and daughter, I should be doing whatever it takes to make them happy. I ended it saying again how hard this will be but that I hope to get my family back or prevent this from ever happening to me again. She never responded.

 

I just really don’t know what to do at this point. I need help guys. Of course I am truly going to put all my effort into fixing my issues and getting back to where I was when we met.

 

A few other things I should mention is she has a few guy friends that are both our friends but mostly hers, and sometimes she would stay up and talk to them after I went to bed. I can understand why I wasn’t communicating well with her. There is one in particular I had a funny gut feeling about but never had any evidence of anything going on. She also works at a bar during the day but she never showed any signs of anything going on. I always fully trusted her and let her do whatever she wanted to but I did worry sometimes. I did run into her coworker who had no idea what was going on and said everyone at her work can tell something bad was happening because she has been very mopy lately and not wanting to talk about it. All my friends I have told think that we can work it out if given enough time but my mind is racing with what has happened and if she maybe slept with someone. That would be a deal breaker for me. But ultimately I want her back and myself fixed and her mom to be ok and me to be an amazing father to her daughter. I love her with everything I have its hard to imagine my life without her. We had talked about marriage before and I did stupidly tell her during the breakup that I was planning on asking her for Christmas but all this stuff was happening so I wanted to wait. I’m so worried I messed everything up and there is no going back. We bought a car together for her and I have my own and so theres that and she said she would pay me every month for her part of the insurance. I need some advice on what to do, I know for sure I am going to get some relationship counseling on my own.

[d0nnivain]

Offer to go to relationship counseling with her. Send her apology flowers too.

 

However, if you can't consistently be more affectionate & listen to her POV, just let her go because it's unfair to bring her back if you aren't willing to change.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I need some advice on what to do, I know for sure I am going to get some relationship counseling on my own.

 

May I suggest that you do this NOW. Get therapy and start rebuilding yourself. Don't wait. If you, by chance, get back together, it is less likely you will pull the the trigger. Do it for YOU and to help YOU be a better man. Hopefully she will SEE changes b/c of this and take you back. Good luck!

[Von80]

I called around today looking for a counselor. I guess you have to leave messages and they will get back to you. I sent my last text to her today that I wouldnt send anymore but I needed to get the last few things off my chest. I let her know I know she is hurting and so am I. And that I support her with whatever decisions she makes. I said how sorry I am and losing the person you love is very hard. I let her know if she needs to talk to feel better that I am ready when she is. (I know that is the opposite of what people normally advise but I want to do what I feel is right) I told her I want her to see how serious I am that the things I was doing to cause us to be apart will never happen again. I also said I deleted my social media and the distractions on my phone when I wasnt paying attention to her. And I said most importantly I would be seeing a relationship counselor to help me get myself back and resolve my issues for good. That I am fully decicated to making myself a great boyfriend and father to make my partner happy. I said I am doing this for me, for her, and for her daughter. And that her daughter deserves a father that will be there for her, help take care of her, show her love. And I would be there for her daughter no matter what, even if I cannot be with the one I love. I said I wished I had realized this sooner, that it was a huge wakeup call. I said this is what I will be focused on and I want to make my family my first priority. No matter what happens. And lasty I told her I loved her with all my heart.

 

I did forget to add that I realize now how much effort she put into us and how good she took care of me and I didn't appreciate that enough. I don’t think that will matter I believe I got most of what I wanted to say across. Maybe I can tell her if there is any future communication about us.

 

She has yet to reply to my last 3 messages so at this point I am just going to give her space and leave her be until she makes a move. I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but in the mean time I will be focusing all my energy on myself and fixing my issues. I hope I can get into see a counselor asap, I want her to see I am serious. Besides my roommate is one of her best girl friends and I know it would get back to her at some point.

 

So that is where I am at right now. I know sometime this week she is supposed to be coming to gather her things so that will be very hard for me to deal with. I am just going to try and be as patient as possible and hope for the best.

[HumanMachine]

With all due respect, you’re almost 40 and you are chasing a 20 something year old. Not a good look really is it.

[Von80]

With all due respect, you’re almost 40 and you are chasing a 20 something year old. Not a good look really is it.

 

Love knows no age. I don’t think there is a specific age group for people. She is not immature in any sense. She put up with my **** for a few years now, it doesnt scream “she is too young”. I am only trying to be as realistic as possible and get myself back together and hopeyfully get my family back.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, when a woman reaches this point, it's often too late.

 

It sounds like she tried to communicate with you that she wasn't happy, but nothing really happened until she was already emotionally gone. That's not to say it's impossible to turn this around, but the effort now might seem insincere to her.

 

Go ahead and get the counseling you feel you need, in any case. If there's any chance, taking measurable steps is the way to go.

[Trip2TheSky]

I agree with HumanMachine, because all you're doing is probably messing that girls head up by keeping her away from her friends, because they are a younger generation than you.

 

This dynamic of large age gaps for me has been nothing but a catalyst for losing my self and the person I should be with, because I went with my lifelong code of integrity, not my heart.

 

You sound obsessive and controlling to a degree that makes it hard to read and forces me to compare you to that monster I married and will soon be my ex monster, since I haven't seen the papers he swore to have today.

 

I bet you're nagging her to stay, just like he is.

 

I can't believe what was done to me and how I was manipulated into staying while trying to say "I don't love you and probably never did, but thanks for the hypnosis that feels like a hex put on me."

 

I am not judging you. I am being honest.

 

The dynamic you have with this girl is toxic and I'm lucky to have my sanity after how bad I was toyed with in my situation.

 

Being led into a world having no one but the person you're with is a nightmare in my case.

 

I get that you love her, but respect her wishes and give her the key to the cage you locked her away in.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Trip2TheSky

[Von80]

I agree with HumanMachine, because all you're doing is probably messing that girls head up by keeping her away from her friends, because they are a younger generation than you.

 

This dynamic of large age gaps for me has been nothing but a catalyst for losing my self and the person I should be with, because I went with my lifelong code of integrity, not my heart.

 

You sound obsessive and controlling to a degree that makes it hard to read and forces me to compare you to that monster I married and will soon be my ex monster, since I haven't seen the papers he swore to have today.

 

I bet you're nagging her to stay, just like he is.

 

I can't believe what was done to me and how I was manipulated into staying while trying to say "I don't love you and probably never did, but thanks for the hypnosis that feels like a hex put on me."

 

I am not judging you. I am being honest.

 

The dynamic you have with this girl is toxic and I'm lucky to have my sanity after how bad I was toyed with in my situation.

 

Being led into a world having no one but the person you're with is a nightmare in my case.

 

I get that you love her, but respect her wishes and give her the key to the cage you locked her away in.

 

I never kept her from any friends. They would come over to our house and stay all the time. We were the “old couple” that people liked to come hangout with.

 

I talked to another friend of mine today and he said he saw the warning signs awhile ago. I was like not wanting to hangout with everyone and was just mopy and in my own head. This event has woke me up. I am never going back to how I was in a fog.

 

Maybe your right I was acting a little controlling and maybe manipulative, but I had no idea I was even doing it. My buddy could see it and him and my girl would try to tell me but I wouldn’t listen. I have no idea how this happened that I could lose myself so much.

 

I am going to work hard on these issues and I have some call backs from counselors. I am praying I can get some help.

 

I am leaving her alone for now. I think i need to be patient and give her space.

[Msday91]

Keep trying. Show her you mean it just put the blame on communication or a lack there of. You two can work this out.

 

Hang in there

 

Hope it works out and the main thing is you have recognised your ‘ errors ‘

 

Don’t beat yourself up though, sure no ones perfect ..

[SevenCity]

Unfortunately, when a woman reaches this point, it's often too late.

 

It sounds like she tried to communicate with you that she wasn't happy, but nothing really happened until she was already emotionally gone. That's not to say it's impossible to turn this around, but the effort now might seem insincere to her.

 

Go ahead and get the counseling you feel you need, in any case. If there's any chance, taking measurable steps is the way to go.

 

This is sad, but 100% accurate. Women fall in love slowly over time and fall out of love slowly over time. Our minds don’t work the same. Guys can look at a woman on a first date and convince themselves she will be the mother of his children.

 

The difficult thing is they are not often direct with their feelings (and frequently may not understand them). It’s rare that a woman says “If you keep doing “X” I will leave you.” Their love eventually gets worn away every time you hurt them like weathered paint. Eventually there is nothing left. They still care about you but are not “in love” with you. Once a woman falls out of love it is nearly impossible to make her love you again.

 

Also, your efforts to make change will appear as insincere as stated above. In her mind she’s thinking “Why is he only doing this now? I don’t trust that he will continue to do these things; he will go back to how he was”.

 

I speak from experience. My ex left me after nearly 7 years. In my defense, she was not good at communicating so she never said anything was wrong. I realized it is up to me (the man) to pull it out of her. By accepting “nothing is wrong” as an answer it said to her that I didn’t care enough to get to the bottom of the issue. For 3 months I tried to “win” her back and she actually said “this is how I wanted you to be all along”. And that wasn’t a good thing. It was “he’s only doing this because he lost me and it’s too late”.

 

Best thing you can do is focus on yourself and come to grips that it is over. I know it’s hard but there’s an overwhelming chance that it is. In her mind she already gave you hundreds of opportunities to make things better. She gave up now.

 

You’ve said what you had to say, don’t contact her anymore because if there is a remote chance she will come back it will kill it. But it’s likely she won’t.

 

I hope your experience is different than mine, but I’ve seen this pattern too many times and am living it myself. It will get better but it will take a long time.

 

Hang in there brother.

[Von80]

This is sad, but 100% accurate. Women fall in love slowly over time and fall out of love slowly over time. Our minds don’t work the same. Guys can look at a woman on a first date and convince themselves she will be the mother of his children.

 

The difficult thing is they are not often direct with their feelings (and frequently may not understand them). It’s rare that a woman says “If you keep doing “X” I will leave you.” Their love eventually gets worn away every time you hurt them like weathered paint. Eventually there is nothing left. They still care about you but are not “in love” with you. Once a woman falls out of love it is nearly impossible to make her love you again.

 

Also, your efforts to make change will appear as insincere as stated above. In her mind she’s thinking “Why is he only doing this now? I don’t trust that he will continue to do these things; he will go back to how he was”.

 

I speak from experience. My ex left me after nearly 7 years. In my defense, she was not good at communicating so she never said anything was wrong. I realized it is up to me (the man) to pull it out of her. By accepting “nothing is wrong” as an answer it said to her that I didn’t care enough to get to the bottom of the issue. For 3 months I tried to “win” her back and she actually said “this is how I wanted you to be all along”. And that wasn’t a good thing. It was “he’s only doing this because he lost me and it’s too late”.

 

Best thing you can do is focus on yourself and come to grips that it is over. I know it’s hard but there’s an overwhelming chance that it is. In her mind she already gave you hundreds of opportunities to make things better. She gave up now.

 

You’ve said what you had to say, don’t contact her anymore because if there is a remote chance she will come back it will kill it. But it’s likely she won’t.

 

I hope your experience is different than mine, but I’ve seen this pattern too many times and am living it myself. It will get better but it will take a long time.

 

Hang in there brother.

 

Thanks man. I have no idea where her love is at. My support group of friends think she still does but they don’t really know. I was able to get a counselor scheduled for next week so I am happy about that and it’s a huge step for me. It felt good to tell my friends and hear their encouragement.

 

As far as my efforts I have no idea how she will take it, it might be like you said and she thinks it will be too little too late. That would suck but I am not going to stop for any reason my efforts. I don’t want this ever happening again.

 

Like I said when I talked to one of my buddies today and he told me it was like I was lost. They tried to tell me but I just wouldn’t listen. I failed my relationship. So your right, it is likely too late and over and she probably won’t come back. It’s devastating. But I am determined to fix myself regardless.

 

Ya for now I will not contact her anymore. I told her I wouldn’t in my last message until I heard from her so I want to stick to what I said. She wanted to be apart so I need to respect that. If I keep chasing she will probably just run the opposite direction. I will just have to expect the worst that even if she did contact me it is over. I can’t to hear the counselor’s insight

[Von80]

Keep trying. Show her you mean it just put the blame on communication or a lack there of. You two can work this out.

 

Hang in there

 

Hope it works out and the main thing is you have recognised your ‘ errors ‘

 

Don’t beat yourself up though, sure no ones perfect ..

 

I appreciate your reaponse. I do want to work it out but I haven’t heard back from her and I believe she still needs space. I don’t want to keep bothering her and make her want to tell me to eff off lol.

 

Trying my best to hang in there

[SevenCity]

Thanks man. I have no idea where her love is at. My support group of friends think she still does but they don’t really know. I was able to get a counselor scheduled for next week so I am happy about that and it’s a huge step for me. It felt good to tell my friends and hear their encouragement.

 

As far as my efforts I have no idea how she will take it, it might be like you said and she thinks it will be too little too late. That would suck but I am not going to stop for any reason my efforts. I don’t want this ever happening again.

 

Like I said when I talked to one of my buddies today and he told me it was like I was lost. They tried to tell me but I just wouldn’t listen. I failed my relationship. So your right, it is likely too late and over and she probably won’t come back. It’s devastating. But I am determined to fix myself regardless.

 

Ya for now I will not contact her anymore. I told her I wouldn’t in my last message until I heard from her so I want to stick to what I said. She wanted to be apart so I need to respect that. If I keep chasing she will probably just run the opposite direction. I will just have to expect the worst that even if she did contact me it is over. I can’t to hear the counselor’s insight

 

I started seeing a therapist after my ex left me. It was good to talk about things and get a woman’s perspective but it’s not a magic bullet. Find one you gel with and don’t be afraid to keep looking.

 

The way my ex acted you would think I cheated on her or hit her (which, had I, would probably have been easier to get her back). When a woman falls out of love due to feeling hurt (real or imagined) it is the most devastating and they often are angry at you for it and will never come back.

 

I reached out to my ex 3 times in the past 1.5 years (6 months apart). Each time asking to get together and she stopped responding when I did. You would think that someone you shared your life with for so many years would at least respond with more courtesy than they would give a telemarketer. Something as simple as “I don’t think it’s a good idea” or “No”. I guess not though.

 

But like I said it will get easier over time.

[Maldives]

This is sad, but 100% accurate. Women fall in love slowly over time and fall out of love slowly over time. Our minds don’t work the same. Guys can look at a woman on a first date and convince themselves she will be the mother of his children.

 

The difficult thing is they are not often direct with their feelings (and frequently may not understand them). It’s rare that a woman says “If you keep doing “X” I will leave you.” Their love eventually gets worn away every time you hurt them like weathered paint. Eventually there is nothing left. They still care about you but are not “in love” with you. Once a woman falls out of love it is nearly impossible to make her love you again.

 

Also, your efforts to make change will appear as insincere as stated above. In her mind she’s thinking “Why is he only doing this now? I don’t trust that he will continue to do these things; he will go back to how he was”.

 

I speak from experience. My ex left me after nearly 7 years. In my defense, she was not good at communicating so she never said anything was wrong. I realized it is up to me (the man) to pull it out of her. By accepting “nothing is wrong” as an answer it said to her that I didn’t care enough to get to the bottom of the issue. For 3 months I tried to “win” her back and she actually said “this is how I wanted you to be all along”. And that wasn’t a good thing. It was “he’s only doing this because he lost me and it’s too late”.

 

Best thing you can do is focus on yourself and come to grips that it is over. I know it’s hard but there’s an overwhelming chance that it is. In her mind she already gave you hundreds of opportunities to make things better. She gave up now.

 

You’ve said what you had to say, don’t contact her anymore because if there is a remote chance she will come back it will kill it. But it’s likely she won’t.

 

I hope your experience is different than mine, but I’ve seen this pattern too many times and am living it myself. It will get better but it will take a long time.

 

Hang in there brother.

 

I agree wth the above and been thru it 3 times muyself..unfortunatley my exes think there's a guy that will and they don't lol. Woman fail to take the inititiative to learn how men think as well and hence the next relationship blows up. Woman expect men to be like them and fail to understand we are different.

[Maldives]

Why do we men take it so hard it's not all our fault. We're just meant to feel that way because they walked. I donno the full ins and outs of ur relationship but don't be to hard on ureself. There's always a reason we behave the way we do if u look deeper. Woman are renouned for not appreciating what we do for them hence were not as caring towards them which is one of the primary needs of a woman. They don't appreciate we hold back and vice versa.