iflipburgers Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Hi All, REALLY need some opinions here please. About my break up. I broke up with my Ex gf November 2017 after a two year relationship. We are both in our 20's I was the dumper although partially forced as I now believe she checked out probably a while ago. I loved this girl VERY much and we were compatible on many levels, I genuinely do not think Ill meet anyone quite like her again. Issues were lack of communication (from both sides), however, I never cheated on her but said some nasty things on many occasions (which I DEEPLY regret). Plus this is not the first time I have broken it off with her. We have been in no contact for a week now, prior to that I have tried to reconcile 3 times ( never begged ). She has never stated to leave her alone, or not contact her, she has also never stated she doesn't want to get back with me. Common responses are "I need to concentrate on myself" "im confused" or "I can't think about these things right now". However, prior to the last 7 days of no contact she has been in contact with me to see how I am etc. Guys, I just need some guidance here, she was my first love, I know where I have gone wrong and now know I need to do in order to offer her the life she wants/deserves. If I let her go now (if its not already too late), I truley believe I have lost my chance for good. I read all over here NC NC NC etc, but really, does this work when your the dumper and you want to reconcile?? surely, if you truly love someone and you know you have F**** up, you soon not give up (within reason, e.g. not pushing her to far). Anyway, any guidance etc would be highly appreciated. Thanks
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 So you think you've corrected all of the problems, at least on your side, in a matter of weeks? In my experience, leopards don't change their spots. I believe it was @highndry who said just yesterday he generally doesn't believe in moving backwards in life, and I agree with this. You're in your twenties. Still young. Your first love. You're not correct that you've "lost your chance for good." You have your whole life ahead of you.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 NC is a healing tool. It is not about getting back together. The only thing that brings about reconciliation is communication. You both have to talk about what broke you apart & you both have to work to fix those things. You may have been the dumper but that was in name only. You recognize that she checked out of the relationship a while ago. Since you have already asked 3 times to get back together and she has not enthusiastically said yes, you have to accept that it's over. She doesn't want you back. When she says she's "confused" what she means is that she does not enjoy hurting you nor does she like being in pain but she has no interest in getting back together. While she realizes that getting back together will stop the immediate pain, she also knows it's not a long term solution because at the end of the day, your relationship was no longer working for her. You can chase all you want. The result will be the same. You will remain broken up. The longer you hold out hope for something that won't happen, the longer it will take you to heal & move on. You don't believe that yet so you are going to keep in touch. When you are ready you will let go. 1
Author iflipburgers Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 So you think you've corrected all of the problems, at least on your side, in a matter of weeks? In my experience, leopards don't change their spots. I believe it was @highndry who said just yesterday he generally doesn't believe in moving backwards in life, and I agree with this. You're in your twenties. Still young. Your first love. You're not correct that you've "lost your chance for good." You have your whole life ahead of you. How come people get back with each other in some instances and they make it work? I dont understand why if you love someone with all of your heart, why you would not try again until they say enough is enough...i haven't had that from my ex.
Author iflipburgers Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 NC is a healing tool. It is not about getting back together. The only thing that brings about reconciliation is communication. You both have to talk about what broke you apart & you both have to work to fix those things. You may have been the dumper but that was in name only. You recognize that she checked out of the relationship a while ago. Since you have already asked 3 times to get back together and she has not enthusiastically said yes, you have to accept that it's over. She doesn't want you back. When she says she's "confused" what she means is that she does not enjoy hurting you nor does she like being in pain but she has no interest in getting back together. While she realizes that getting back together will stop the immediate pain, she also knows it's not a long term solution because at the end of the day, your relationship was no longer working for her. You can chase all you want. The result will be the same. You will remain broken up. The longer you hold out hope for something that won't happen, the longer it will take you to heal & move on. You don't believe that yet so you are going to keep in touch. When you are ready you will let go. d0nnivain - thank you for your comment. You seem to be a regular contributor on here with a wealth of advice, so thank you once again. My main question is which i am yet to find a solid answer for is, when should I give up, i told her i would not stop fighting for her until she said enough was enough...she hasn't. I truly love this girl with all my heart and I know I could be a better man knowing and feeling the pain of loosing her. I know she still loves me, but is incredibility hurt. I also know she may be waiting for me to make further effort to regain her trust, but then she may just be being kind by not saying no...im not sure. I guess i may cause myself some more pain now by analysing her response, but surely this is better than the pain of knowing the unknown? I guess like i said, surely someone is worth fighting for if you know you now FULLY understand the pain I inflicted and could demonstrate it and learn from it. Your advice is highly appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 How come people get back with each other in some instances and they make it work? I dont understand why if you love someone with all of your heart, why you would not try again until they say enough is enough...i haven't had that from my ex. Reconciliation is possible when they both know what went wrong & are both committed to fixing it. She has said "enough is enough," although not in those words You haven't heard it because you aren't listening. When she says "I need to concentrate on myself" "im confused" or "I can't think about these things right now" she means she is not interested in putting in the work to save this. Especially because she emotionally checked out before you formalized the BU by saying the words you have to realize that actions prove she is not interested in trying.
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