He still lives with his fwb's

January 10, 2018

I'm not sure what the accepted definition of fwb is, but when I think about it I think about a person choosing to ring their fwb instead of going to a club trying to pick up. Or they're sitting at home and horny, so instead on swiping on Tinder they ring their fwb because they know there's compatibility and a guarantee.

In either of those scenarios the fwb becomes obsolete when the person has a partner do they not?

So even if the habit is that he had sex with either of these women at times when he was just looking for a good time then, now that he need not look for a good time any further than me, doesn't that mean the habit is broken? If he wants a good time, here I am, I'm his gf, and I'm available. No need for him to even consider his fwb.

I hope I explained that well enough to make sense? But again, I still can't help but wanting him out of there.

A fwb is a person they have an arrangement for NSA sex with. It can mean two single people who short of a "date" or an available sexual partner, arrange to meet each others sexual needs, but two attached/married people can be fwbs, if they feel the sex they are having at home is not good enough,or they like variety or have specific tastes the FWB may fill.

Some people may even have multiple fwbs +/- a partner, some people just like sex and one person is not enough for them so they fill in by having a fwb too. It is a very flexible arrangement and the "rules" are not set in stone and can vary enormously. Some are "exclusive" FWBs, others want to play the field...

January 10, 2018

Given that they have been FWB for so long, I’d be willing to bet they all feel pretty comfortable with each other to walk around a bit scantily clad. I mean, why not? They’ve already seen everything anyway - for quite a number of years, in fact. What’s the difference?

OP, would you feel comfortable with this?

But seriously, I guess I am just not naive...I understand from experience that a man’s physical attraction to women is very visual.

Let’s say, as one poster pointed out, you get into a big fight (maybe over this very topic) and he comes home all dejected and feeling worn down to his 12/6 FWB who is there in her nighty night outfit. She, his long time friend and sexual partner, lends a listening, sympathetic ear.

You get my drift. The OP is rationalizing.

Edited January 10, 2018 by bachdude

January 10, 2018

I'm not sure what the accepted definition of fwb is, but when I think about it I think about a person choosing to ring their fwb instead of going to a club trying to pick up. Or they're sitting at home and horny, so instead on swiping on Tinder they ring their fwb because they know there's compatibility and a guarantee.

In either of those scenarios the fwb becomes obsolete when the person has a partner do they not?

So even if the habit is that he had sex with either of these women at times when he was just looking for a good time then, now that he need not look for a good time any further than me, doesn't that mean the habit is broken? If he wants a good time, here I am, I'm his gf, and I'm available. No need for him to even consider his fwb.

I hope I explained that well enough to make sense? But again, I still can't help but wanting him out of there.

OP, I’m going to be very blunt here...This is incredibly naive.

For some reason, there are so many women out there that when they fall in love or develop deep feelings for a guy, they will excuse virtually anything. And what they don’t realize is that a lot of guys know this. I’ve read some of the dating literature out there. Guys are instructed to withhold deal breaking info until after the woman has fallen for them. We’ve seen it many times right here on LS.

January 10, 2018

OP, I’m going to be very blunt here...This is incredibly naive.

For some reason, there are so many women out there that when they fall in love or develop deep feelings for a guy, they will excuse virtually anything. And what they don’t realize is that a lot of guys know this. I’ve read some of the dating literature out there. Guys are instructed to withhold deal breaking info until after the woman has fallen for them. We’ve seen it many times right here on LS.

If he wants to cheat on her he doesn't need to live with them to do it.

January 10, 2018

If he wants to cheat on her he doesn't need to live with them to do it.

That goes without saying. I’m talking about someone who has no intention of cheating.

January 10, 2018

OP, I’m going to be very blunt here...This is incredibly naive.

For some reason, there are so many women out there that when they fall in love or develop deep feelings for a guy, they will excuse virtually anything. And what they don’t realize is that a lot of guys know this. I’ve read some of the dating literature out there. Guys are instructed to withhold deal breaking info until after the woman has fallen for them. We’ve seen it many times right here on LS.

Too true.

Here, they get warned, they get gentle logical reasoning from some posters, they get "tell it like it is" from others, they get nudged, they get hit over the head, they get research studies, they get magazine articles, they get heart rending personal stories of terrible consequences, but after all that, they go "I will give him a chance"...

Arghhhhhhh!!!!

January 10, 2018

Your bf has done nothing wrong, and he might have a point by wanting to wait because it's too soon for him to move in with you. Totaly legitimate.

BUT! You need to put yourself first. If it bothers you, than it bothers you. You don't have to feel bad about your legitimate feelings.

Now, his approach is - "Your feelings doon't count until 12-18 months". It means that his behavior before and after he knows it bothers you, are the same. No change has been made. RED FLAG!

I wouldn't tolerate it because I hate loosing control. If I take the risk and make a move (telling that it bothers me), I expect at least some consideration. I expect the other side to make some adjustments towards me. If I don't have it (and in your story you don't have it), I'd leave.

Because not only he shows no caring at all to what matters to you, and with no actions are made in this episode, it shows a lot about his general view on "what is a relationship?", which is "He has his principles and his own timing and nothing you say or feel is going to change that".

So in the end, if I were you, I would say - just like stories with 2 people that can't be together because of external issues (one has to work overseas, one has to study thousands of mile away while the other has a business' ect...) These is just the same. You can't be together because of external circumstances.

And while he shows no willing to contribute on that mater, than "that's a shame but you're showing me how much you really care, which is not so great, so, bye bye have a great life".

January 10, 2018

That goes without saying. I’m talking about someone who has no intention of cheating.

Um so what makes you dead set that her bf is without a question a cheater?

Edited January 10, 2018 by ZayKayWill

January 10, 2018

Diane H C,

This is by far one of the most odd living situations I've read about

I've known of people who had FWBs but 2 of them for 6 and 12 years respectively? (That's a long time) And living with both them ?!

I think you should be concerned that he didn't tell you, "because it might upset you". It begs the question "what else hasn't he told you?"

He seems to have what seems to be a rather "progressive" attitude towards realtionships, and I wouldn't be surprised that other stuff starts being disclosed as time goes on.

Personally, I'd walk now, but you must make up your own mind.

January 10, 2018

Men deal really badly with sexual temptation. These women are there in his home ALL the time. And if I know one thing about women, it's that any man becomes much more attractive to them once he gets a girlfriend. What if one of the women suddenly knocks on his door at night wearing something super sexy? What if he has had a few drinks? Or a fight with you? Even if he hasn't and doesn't plan to cheat, the ease of access is there 24/7. It takes just one step, in his home for it to happen. A step he has already taken many times before.

Is this supposed to be satire? Life is full of temptations, sexual or otherwise. If your solution is to restrict these, it would far easier to keep someone under lock and key and only allow them access to things you deem non-tempting.

January 10, 2018

Um so what makes you dead set that her bf is without a question a cheater?

I never said any such thing...I am saying the situation is highly unusual and unique and I think the OP is naive to believe that just because his need for a FWB is over that will mean he now has the will power of St Francis of Assisi.

What she wrote was very sweet and even endearing but naive,

So even if the habit is that he had sex with either of these women at times when he was just looking for a good time then, now that he need not look for a good time any further than me, doesn't that mean the habit is broken? If he wants a good time, here I am, I'm his gf, and I'm available. No need for him to even consider his fwb.

January 10, 2018

I never said any such thing...I am saying the situation is highly unusual and unique and I think the OP is naive to believe that just because his need for a FWB is over that will mean he now has the will power of St Francis of Assisi.

What she wrote was very sweet and even endearing but naive,

Eh fair enough. But if the guy is trustworthy and actually cares about the OP, it shouldn't be an issue. It's normal to find other people attractive even when you're in a relationship...If you can't control yourself around the opposite sex because, "Whoamg they were looking so sexy I couldn't help myself!", well then, you shouldn't be in a relationship. At the end of the day, we are human, not animals.

January 10, 2018

You've been dating since July.

Personally, I would be looking to escalate the relationship and be preparing/having talks to move in with you.

January 10, 2018

To me, it’s nothing to do with OPs level of security or maturity. It’s about her boyfriends complete lack of healthy boundaries and respect. It is not that difficult to move out (be it with relatives, alone or in another group house). I also don’t think it unreasonable to discuss moving in together after 6 months relationship - but he is not ready, so leave it at that.If he is serious about having a relationship and respecting his partner, he will leave his former bed buddies in the past. I would be so uncomfortable, hurt and humiliated by this revelation. It is so inappropriate and I would break up over this for sure!!

Edited January 10, 2018 by smiley1

January 10, 2018

To paraphrase Jules from Pulp Fiction, "he must be one charming mother****er".

He lives with 2 FWB who he has slept with casually for 6 and 12 years most likely many more times more than he admits to, and he has you too...As someone who had a FWB when we were "benefitting" we slept together ALOT until one of us found a "real G or BF" not just a few times...

To me it just has a creepy vibe. Not just the long time (12 years !!) but the fact that there are two gals on site and maybe a couple more a phone call away.

Is he really worth it? Why would he leave his long time sweet house (cheap rent and casual sex) share setup to be exclusive with you?

How old are all 4 of you?

Edited January 10, 2018 by MickeyBill

January 10, 2018

I disagree that her discomfort with the situation makes her insecure. If we were talking about a man who was debating dating a woman who lived with two intermittent sex partners, I don't think anyone would call the man insecure. Sometimes I think that people label women "insecure" to shame them into accepting behavior they should dismiss.

Also, he has given her a reason not to trust him. They started dating in July, and he didn't tell the full story about his living situation until December. He should have been transparent about this from the beginning: i.e. "I realize that this may not be the ideal living situation from your perspective, but I can't afford to move right now." Then she could have decided whether she could live with this before becoming attached to him. He hid this for one of two reasons. Either he wanted to leave his option to sleep with his roommates open, or he knew she would not like it. If the latter is the case, it would almost be fair to say that he tricked her into dating him by hiding something that would have been a deal breaker.

It's true that if he wants to cheat he will find a way. However, living with someone makes cheating easy and accessible. It's an intrinsically intimate scenario. It also might put him in a situation in which he doesn't want to cheat but comes home after a few drinks and gives in to one of these girls. The posters who said she can't yield herself from all risk are right. However, she can take appropriate precautions to protect herself emotionally. That means setting boundaries.

If I were on a diet, I wouldn't keep a house full of candy...

January 10, 2018

I'd tell them that if they loved the person to get him out of there as soon as possible.

I don't really view it as any different to getting him out of the house if he was living with a bunch of male druggies, or even religious fanatics. The point being that if they're in a situation where you don't feel comfortable then try to remove them, assuming they're willing, from that situation.

So you would keep dating someone who was a religious fanatic or a drug user...remember he fully participated in the activity and continued off and on for years. This is why I question his character. He doesn't see it as an issue.

I guess you are going to give him the old one, two conversation, One being you don't like his living arrangement, and two he needs to move out.

January 10, 2018

I disagree that her discomfort with the situation makes her insecure. If we were talking about a man who was debating dating a woman who lived with two intermittent sex partners, I don't think anyone would call the man insecure. Sometimes I think that people label women "insecure" to shame them into accepting behavior they should dismiss.

Also, he has given her a reason not to trust him. They started dating in July, and he didn't tell the full story about his living situation until December. He should have been transparent about this from the beginning: i.e. "I realize that this may not be the ideal living situation from your perspective, but I can't afford to move right now." Then she could have decided whether she could live with this before becoming attached to him. He hid this for one of two reasons. Either he wanted to leave his option to sleep with his roommates open, or he knew she would not like it. If the latter is the case, it would almost be fair to say that he tricked her into dating him by hiding something that would have been a deal breaker.

It's true that if he wants to cheat he will find a way. However, living with someone makes cheating easy and accessible. It's an intrinsically intimate scenario. It also might put him in a situation in which he doesn't want to cheat but comes home after a few drinks and gives in to one of these girls. The posters who said she can't yield herself from all risk are right. However, she can take appropriate precautions to protect herself emotionally. That means setting boundaries.

If I were on a diet, I wouldn't keep a house full of candy...

Nope. It is insecurity. It's nothing necessarily to be ashamed about...it's just part of being human. She's insecure about the situation because she's unsure about it. People often perceive insecurity with a negative connotation, but it's just part of being human.

January 10, 2018

How about the potential for serious drama?

If OP spends the night with her boyfriend, there will be three women together in one house with a man with whom they have all slept. It sounds like a reality TV show.

January 10, 2018

How about the potential for serious drama?

If OP spends the night with her boyfriend, there will be three women together in one house with a man with whom they have all slept. It sounds like a reality TV show.

I think you missed the point of my post...you're saying that it isn't insecurity, and well that's false. If we're being technical, anyway.

January 10, 2018

Nope. It is insecurity. It's nothing necessarily to be ashamed about...it's just part of being human. She's insecure about the situation because she's unsure about it. People often perceive insecurity with a negative connotation, but it's just part of being human.

I'm not sure whether it really is (only) insecurity.

I wouldn't date someone who walked out on the street naked. Not because I'd think they were trying to **** someone, but because it is inappropriate. I'd feel embarassed. I'd wonder what other people were thinking.

It just goes against what I consider to be proper behavior....and accepting it would make me feel on the same (low) level.

January 10, 2018

I'm not sure whether it really is (only) insecurity.

I wouldn't date someone who walked out on the street naked. Not because I'd think they were trying to **** someone, but because it is inappropriate. I'd feel embarassed. I'd wonder what other people were thinking.

It just goes against what I consider to be proper behavior....and accepting it would make me feel on the same (low) level.

If the OP's boyfriend has other options he can look at for living situations then sure there's no reason why he would need to stay in it I guess, but people assume he has options...maybe he doesn't. As far as I can see, the best solution would be for the bf to move in with the OP so she feels more comfortable, but that could come with the risk of the relationship failing for the fact that they went all too fast.

January 10, 2018

Nope. It is insecurity. It's nothing necessarily to be ashamed about...it's just part of being human. She's insecure about the situation because she's unsure about it. People often perceive insecurity with a negative connotation, but it's just part of being human.

I've been trying to figure out why calling her insecure is bothering me because you are right that it is part of the human condition.

I think what isn't sitting right with me is that it delegitimizes what could be a real cause for concern for her. Sometimes, when our gut is telling us that a situation isn't right, it's because we intuit that something about it might be hurtful to us.

Call it what you will: insecurity, intuition, boundaries. It doesn't make the situation appropriate. If his values differ from hers to the extent that he doesn't see a problem here but she can't live with it, then at the very least there is incompatibility at play.

I'm not trying to make a villain out of this man. I'm just trying to give OP advice that could keep her from getting her heart broken.

I recently had a similar post. I was dating a man who was living with a woman whom he told me was a friend who had lost her house in the hurricane. Something told me that the situation was dangerous, but I told myself to get over it because he was just being a good friend. Eventually I got very hurt. It turns out this woman was a friend with benefits and, on nights he wasn't with me, she was crawling into bed with him and they were having sex. If I hadn't chastised myself for being insecure when I first got a bad feeling about the situation, I would have saved myself a lot of heart break.

Anyway, I'm just musing. What I write is just one woman's opinion.

January 10, 2018

I've been trying to figure out why calling her insecure is bothering me because you are right that it is part of the human condition.

I think what isn't sitting right with me is that it delegitimizes what could be a real cause for concern for her. Sometimes, when our gut is telling us that a situation isn't right, it's because we intuit that something about it might be hurtful to us.

Call it what you will: insecurity, intuition, boundaries. It doesn't make the situation appropriate. If his values differ from hers to the extent that he doesn't see a problem here but she can't live with it, then at the very least there is incompatibility at play.

I'm not trying to make a villain out of this man. I'm just trying to give OP advice that could keep her from getting her heart broken.

I recently had a similar post. I was dating a man who was living with a woman whom he told me was a friend who had lost her house in the hurricane. Something told me that the situation was dangerous, but I told myself to get over it because he was just being a good friend. Eventually I got very hurt. It turns out this woman was a friend with benefits and, on nights he wasn't with me, she was crawling into bed with him and they were having sex. If I hadn't chastised myself for being insecure when I first got a bad feeling about the situation, I would have saved myself a lot of heart break.

Anyway, I'm just musing. What I write is just one woman's opinion.

I'm sorry that happened to you. So many people in this world cheat that it's not even funny...but that doesn't stop the fact that there are trustworthy people out there, and people seem to forget that. To be fair, though, trustworthy people are very hard to come across these days... :/

The way I see it, the way that the OPs boyfriend responds when she talks to him will really make light of the situation. If he shows consideration to her feelings and doesn't get defensive then perhaps he's in the clear, but if he does get defensive and try to make her feel bad....then yeah...you very well could be right.

Edited January 10, 2018 by ZayKayWill

January 10, 2018

We started dating on July 31. By my calculations that made December 31 our 5 month anniversary.

I found out before Christmas, so about 3 weeks ago.

The first time I went to his place was maybe 3 weeks (?) after we met, so I have met his "housemates", and I never picked up any indication that there was anything between them.

I don't know why you made the assumption that I had not been to his house and all the rest I had already covered. I have only made 2 posts prior to this one so it should be easy to go back and find them if you would like to read the originals.

I wont reply to the rest of your post because they are based on incorrect assumptions on your part and are thus pointless.

I'm not going to go back and read your backstory. It's irrelevant, else it would have been referenced in the initial post of this thread. I came to my conclusions based solely on what you chose to write here, which was that you had no clue as to how he was living for 5 months until someone else unrelated to your relationship told you his business.

He let you go for 5 months and was cool with keeping you in the dark until his friend exposed his "lie by omission". Had his friend not spoken up, you'd still be misinformed and he would have been fine with that. THAT is the problem here. Every time he looked in your face, he knew he was living with 2 other women, one of whom he's been sexually involved with for over a decade, and he chose to keep quiet about it. That doesn't speak very highly of how he esteems you.

I recon my observations are more on point than not because this whole thing is more about you pushing this "move in with me now" meme (and plenty of others besides me have said that's a bad idea) because you don't like his living arrangement, not because you've both invested enough time and focus and that is the next logical step.

Because of the time invested so far-- not enough to move in together (and he's put you on notice about that), but more than enough to not be treated as if pertinent information like this is unfit for you to know--you're at the disadvantage. It's worse than being on a "need to know" basis when it seems everyone else surrounding him seems to know the score except you.

With people I love and care about, I don't let them blindly wander into anything about my life, especially if I'm looking to build a future with them.

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He still lives with his fwb's

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