He still lives with his fwb's

January 8, 2018

My main issue with his behavior is that he kept it a secret from you. He obviously knew you'd have a problem with it and preferred his own comfort over giving you the choice to decide about this situation for yourself.

Some people would be fine with his living arrangements, some would ask to join in, some would run away screaming...but he should be honest about it so you can choose if it works for you. Also, you shouldn't have to find out through his friends...that's just disrespectful.

If you feel sick every time you go to his flat, I don't think it's worth it. No need to torture yourself for months.

January 8, 2018

Yes I totally get it...

I am just talking about trust.

But, if OP does not feel good about it, I say trust your gut.

I am just pointing out that just because you slept with someone does not mean that you will in the future, but then it does not mean that you won't.

I know that goes against conventional wisdom, and maybe it should. But there are a lot of woman that I don't sleep with because I am in a relationship.

And in your situation, I am not sure that I would be cool about it. For me, I am much older and my girl knows that if I am going to be exclusive she had better be. At the same time, we are in a different place that OP and her boyfriend.

This situation is dicey...

Ok, we agree.

OP is in a 'different' situation. It will take all of her trust and not being the infamous 'insecure' to see this through.

It's your call Dianne hippychick, don't let this pull you down/stress you out is my advice. If you don't like it, don't do it.

Good luck.

January 9, 2018

So what the deal here? Is it me or him being unreasonable?

It's you. Of course you have the right to your feelings, but it is unreasonable for you to expect him to move domicile or move in with you because of them.

There are two underlying questions to this issue and both can only be answered by you.

1. Do you trust your boyfriend?

2. Are you emotionally mature and secure?

January 9, 2018

It's you. Of course you have the right to your feelings, but it is unreasonable for you to expect him to move domicile or move in with you because of them.

There are two underlying questions to this issue and both can only be answered by you.
1. Do you trust your boyfriend?
2. Are you emotionally mature and secure?

Man. Finally someone who gets it.

January 9, 2018

I absolutely could not work with the living arrangements at all.

Five months is too soon to be moving in together.

It will work against you to demand he leaves, and it's probably unreasonable and unfair, as he may not be able to afford anything else, move out alone, or end up in a crappy situation with a crappy roommate, when the roommates he has, has worked very well for him (with or without the sex).

You can't demand him to leave. He has to make that choice all by himself, which leaves you with two choices...stay and see how it goes or break up.

I would break up. The living situation is not conducive to long-term dating/marriage relationships, and he's going to find he loses one girlfriend after the other until he realizes he needs to make a change in the living situation because not a whole lot of women will be okay with this. Either of these women can, and will, find themselves in the same boat with their guys that want to get serious. But for now, this living situation works for them, and I suppose after you break up (or get in a major fight), either one of these women will be happy for him to join her in her bed, and he'll be there for comfort and sex as well for them. You have no way of knowing that they don't or haven't already messed around until maybe you had the "exclusive talk" or something. It's just not an arrangement I could work with. It's hard enough dealing with an ex who is still friends, but living together brings it to a whole other level.

January 9, 2018

They aren't ex gfs they are ex FWBs. They've already had your man. They probably aren't interested in more with him than they had of him or he wouldn't be with you.

This.

as a man who has been a FWB with more than a few women I am their friend.

who rings their bell when they are not with anyone else.

But I am not interested in dating them because they are not GF material.

I personally would be living on my own or other men if I was looking for a relationship.

Def. not with women i'd been inside of.

January 9, 2018

So with one FWB he’s been living with 6 years and sleeping with 12 years!

And the other he’s been living with 6 years and sleeping with 6 years!

Those are significant amount of time!!

And on top of it he kept this from you. Keeping something like this from you is tantamount to lying to your face.

Now think about it; why would someone live with long term FWB? It’s obvious, right? Convenience. It’s just a knock on the door away. It’s a little too convenient, really.

He’s a liar and, as a result, how can you trust him when he says it’s all hands off when he is in a relationship? Answer: you can’t.

Remember, he kept this from you. Not cool, OP. Not cool.

January 9, 2018

Wow! I'm overwhelmed by all the replies. Thank You for taking the time.

One thing I would like to touch on before I reply directly to individuals is a few people mentioned his lying by not telling me about his 2 fwb's.

I have always worked on the principle that you don't discuss one's prior sex life so early in a relationship. I certainly have not discussed mine with him. He was willing to discuss it once I bought it up, so I'm unsure why people think he was lying.

I do understand the situation he is in is very much in the moment, but I too am still friends with an ex, although not living with them obviously, and I'd never thought to mention it to him at this stage.

I guess the best way I can put it is that he seems to have omitted to tell me a few things. Whether those things should have been told is very much debatable. But I have yet to catch him in a lie so for now must assume that he hasn't lied to me.

Then again, maybe I'm just defending him too much?

So, if you can deal with this - and he's a good match for you - then try to accept it and see what the future holds. If you can't, then get out now and move on.

I believe we have something special. If i didn't I would probably have moved on already. As for whether I can deal with it, I honestly am unsure. I would like to think I am mature enough, secure enough and trusting enough to, but I'm struggling to convince myself.

Living with them both? Just stopped sleeping with both of them a few months before you two got together? I wonder how precise his math is?

Well not exactly. He was fwb's right up until we started seeing each other but the last time they he had sex with the longer term one was 9 months ago and the other was "well over a year ago".

I also think I might have unintentionally painted him in a bad light. It's not like they were having sex on a weekly basis. He says maybe 20-30 times with the longer one, and that's over 12 years. And less than 10 times with the other as she's pretty much always been in a relationship.

OP--When did you find out he was living with 2 ex FWB's? This week?

I've known since just before Christmas. It slipped accidentally from one of his friends at a party and when I quizzed her on it she said that one of his housemates has been fwb's for 12 years. She also defended him though, saying he loved me and would never cheat. I approached him just after Christmas and he freely admitted it all including telling me about the other one which I initially did not know about.

Unless he's got the money to afford living in a way that meets with your approval (or you can afford to subsidize an arrangement that meets with your approval) , I would get off the "you need to move" tip with a quickness.

I own my own home. Not because I'm rich, it was gifted to me by my Grandparents. So he could move in with me at no charge. I see your point though, if he was not to move in with me he would not be financially capable of moving unless it was to another shared household.

I can see why you're uncomfortable with this situation, but before calling it quits, why not get to know the girls or maybe observe how they behave in front of your boyfriend?

Well this is my saving grace. I had known them for a few months before I knew they were fwb. I did not pick up any signals whatsoever that there was anything between them. However now that I know I know and all I see is 2 women that want him. It's probably not even true, or maybe it is, or maybe it's just me being jealous.

There are two underlying questions to this issue and both can only be answered by you.
1. Do you trust your boyfriend?
2. Are you emotionally mature and secure?

I have no reason not to trust him. But I don't like the idea that 2 exes (I know not technically exes, but) are living with him. Which leads to your point 2, maybe I'm not as emotionally secure as I would like to think and am projecting on to him something that he is not deserving of?

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time.

January 9, 2018

OP from what you just said it sounds like your bf hasn't given you any reason to doubt him. Because yeah just because he didn't go out of his way to tell you about his past sex life doesn't mean he's a liar (lmfao *smh*) because like you said that's his business and no one else's. It definitely probably would have helped to know so things wouldn't have been as complicated down the road, but again it was in the past...what's done is done.

Good job on admitting that perhaps you're just emotionally insecure. It's normal and it's human to be insecure, but it is also very possible to overcome said insecurity. If you have any concerns with your current boyfriend you simply just need to communicate with him. It's that simple really, yet we as humans seem to love complicating this crap. Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.

January 9, 2018

Wow, no way would this be acceptable in any shape or form.

Men deal really badly with sexual temptation. These women are there in his home ALL the time. And if I know one thing about women, it's that any man becomes much more attractive to them once he gets a girlfriend. What if one of the women suddenly knocks on his door at night wearing something super sexy? What if he has had a few drinks? Or a fight with you? Even if he hasn't and doesn't plan to cheat, the ease of access is there 24/7. It takes just one step, in his home for it to happen. A step he has already taken many times before.

Regardless of any of this, he is already showing a huge lack of consideration and respect for you and your feelings. Any man that truly cares about a future with you would take a step to sort out his living arrangements ASAP.

January 9, 2018

This can't be real life right now. Lmao.

Edited January 9, 2018 by ZayKayWill

January 9, 2018

OP step away, and look at it from a different angle....what would you say to a close friend if they came to you asking advice if they were in this position?

You say the only reason you are not giving up is because you have feelings for him.....is they really the right reason? Still doesn't change how he looks and how he handles relationships.

January 9, 2018

I would not be comfortable with this at all. Twelve and six years are a long time. He must still feel connected to them, or he wouldn't be living there. It's almost like he's keeping a haram "except when he is in a relationship." I doubt that women he sleeps with on and off for years are completely okay with him dating you, and the fact that they live together presents a constant temptation.

I would tell him to call me when he has found another living situation.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Lamartine

January 9, 2018

I have no reason not to trust him. But I don't like the idea that 2 exes (I know not technically exes, but) are living with him. Which leads to your point 2, maybe I'm not as emotionally secure as I would like to think and am projecting on to him something that he is not deserving of?

Maybe, just maybe it may be more comfortable if they were indeed exes, done and dusted years ago, but as FWBs, there is an long standing arrangement for NSA sex and as such it could indeed potentially happen at any time...

It is in neither your bf's nor his fwb's interest to keep you informed of what they do...

January 9, 2018

This has nothing to do with being "emotionally insecure" this has a lot to do with how inappropriate his living arrangement is. You even said if he had informed you at the beginning, you would have walked....yes because it's just not right, so why give him a pass now. IMO he needs to grow up if he wants to get serious with life, finding a life partner/marriage/kids. Christ it looks like a commune where everyone shares everything including one's bed lol.

January 9, 2018

I would rather be labelled "emotionally insecure" any day of the week rather than be made a complete fool out of by any man trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

January 9, 2018

I've known since just before Christmas. It slipped accidentally from one of his friends at a party and when I quizzed her on it she said that one of his housemates has been fwb's for 12 years. She also defended him though, saying he loved me and would never cheat. I approached him just after Christmas and he freely admitted it all including telling me about the other one which I initially did not know about

.

(I'm sorry, I may have missed this in an earlier post--if you've answered this, please let me know the post number so I can read it)

So you two started dating 5 months ago (september) and 2 weeks ago was when you found out that he lives with 2 ex fwb's? Where have you two been conducting this relationship? Have you been to his place yet? I mean, usually by the 2nd month, I generally know where my boyfriend lays his head every night. I'm trying to understand how this remained hidden for 5 months and was only brought to light when where he lives "accidentally" slipped from one of his friends' mouths. Were you never curious as to where he lived?

I own my own home. Not because I'm rich, it was gifted to me by my Grandparents. So he could move in with me at no charge.

At this point in your involvement, that is a horrible idea. You don't even know this man well enough to ask him where he lives and you've been dealing with him for 5 months---you have absolutely nothing like communication going on between you two if all this time has elapsed and you're not asking and he's not telling.

You also don't want any kind of a grown adult in your house that is not paying to be there that you're not married to unless it's your parents or siblings. No. He's a grown man and if rooming with two ex fwb's is the best he can do about his living arrangement, then the two choices you have is to be cool, quiet and happy with him or bounce because he's already shot your idea out of the sky.

Him moving in with you is ONLY about him living with two ex's, not because you have a relationship that is on strong legs and you both have complete communications going on between you two. That's not happening. What you have is something extremely weak if you can't have a conversation with him about where he lives by 5 months into a relationship. It should not have taken this long to find this out and it dang sure should not have come out of anyone's mouth but his.

January 9, 2018

.

(I'm sorry, I may have missed this in an earlier post--if you've answered this, please let me know the post number so I can read it)

So you two started dating 5 months ago (september) and 2 weeks ago was when you found out that he lives with 2 ex fwb's? Where have you two been conducting this relationship? Have you been to his place yet? I mean, usually by the 2nd month, I generally know where my boyfriend lays his head every night. I'm trying to understand how this remained hidden for 5 months and was only brought to light when where he lives "accidentally" slipped from one of his friends' mouths. Were you never curious as to where he lived?

We started dating on July 31. By my calculations that made December 31 our 5 month anniversary.

I found out before Christmas, so about 3 weeks ago.

The first time I went to his place was maybe 3 weeks (?) after we met, so I have met his "housemates", and I never picked up any indication that there was anything between them.

I don't know why you made the assumption that I had not been to his house and all the rest I had already covered. I have only made 2 posts prior to this one so it should be easy to go back and find them if you would like to read the originals.

I wont reply to the rest of your post because they are based on incorrect assumptions on your part and are thus pointless.

January 10, 2018

OP step away, and look at it from a different angle....what would you say to a close friend if they came to you asking advice if they were in this position?

I'd tell them that if they loved the person to get him out of there as soon as possible.

I don't really view it as any different to getting him out of the house if he was living with a bunch of male druggies, or even religious fanatics. The point being that if they're in a situation where you don't feel comfortable then try to remove them, assuming they're willing, from that situation.

I mentioned that I wanted him to move in with me and the advice has been that it's a bad idea because 5 months is too soon. He has hinted that he is looking though, but I don't want to push it and I think it might be just wishful thinking on my part, reading something into what he said that wasn't meant. Time will tell.

January 10, 2018

but as FWBs, there is an long standing arrangement for NSA sex and as such it could indeed potentially happen at any time...

Which doesn't go away once he moves out. If he's tempted by them and not committed to me then he will seek them out whether they are in the next room, next block or next town. Having said that, I still want him out.

January 10, 2018

This has nothing to do with being "emotionally insecure" this has a lot to do with how inappropriate his living arrangement is. You even said if he had informed you at the beginning, you would have walked....yes because it's just not right, so why give him a pass now. IMO he needs to grow up if he wants to get serious with life, finding a life partner/marriage/kids. Christ it looks like a commune where everyone shares everything including one's bed lol.

So I mean what do you propose he do? Most people here have agreed that it would be too early for them to live together, so what would be the next best solution? To go back home and live with mom and dad? To make him live alone and pay more?

It is about being emotionally insecure (and that's okay) because if one trusted their partner they wouldn't have anything to worry about. The OP herself said she has no reason not to trust him. I mean with all due respect what if these girls are the only people that he trusts enough to live with? They have successfully done it for 12 years now...things seem to be going pretty smoothly. Besides if he wanted to cheat on the OP he's gonna do it regardless if they live together or not...

The fact that she had to find out from one of the girls is a bit off putting...but to be fair it's not like he told the girls, "No matter what, don't give my gf ANY hint that we had a thing in the past." In all honesty if there was stuff going on between him and the girls he honestly probably wouldn't want the OP around at all because it would be way too hard to hide it I would think...

Listen I know this situation is icky and less than ideal. All I'm saying is maybe this guy isn't the snake that everyone is making him out to be. If he wants to cheat on her he doesn't need to live with them to do it.

OP: Have you guys discussed exactly WHY he's living with these girls instead of somebody else? Does he not have anyone else he could live with that he trusts and so he chooses to stay with these girls as a means of comfort and security (won't screw him over with rent etc)? Do you know his circle of friends? If I were you I would be like...

OP: Hey. If you don't mind me asking just out of pure curiosity, why do you still live with these girls as opposed to some other friends? Is there a particular reason why you benefit from living with them as opposed to some other friends?

And just go from there. I don't think it's unfair that you ask that question. Guys and girls don't typically live together unless they're dating so chances are most people would naturally wonder what the deal is if there's no dating going on.

So, I suggest go ahead and doing that and see what he says. Keep us updated.

January 10, 2018

Which doesn't go away once he moves out. If he's tempted by them and not committed to me then he will seek them out whether they are in the next room, next block or next town.

Yes, that is really the dilemma you are in.

It may also be less about commitment, of lack thereof, and more about habit...

January 10, 2018

Yes, that is really the dilemma you are in.
It may also be less about commitment, of lack thereof, and more about habit...

I'm not sure what the accepted definition of fwb is, but when I think about it I think about a person choosing to ring their fwb instead of going to a club trying to pick up. Or they're sitting at home and horny, so instead on swiping on Tinder they ring their fwb because they know there's compatibility and a guarantee.

In either of those scenarios the fwb becomes obsolete when the person has a partner do they not?

So even if the habit is that he had sex with either of these women at times when he was just looking for a good time then, now that he need not look for a good time any further than me, doesn't that mean the habit is broken? If he wants a good time, here I am, I'm his gf, and I'm available. No need for him to even consider his fwb.

I hope I explained that well enough to make sense? But again, I still can't help but wanting him out of there.

January 10, 2018

I would rather be labelled "emotionally insecure" any day of the week rather than be made a complete fool out of by any man trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

That's every relationship no matter who you're with. :/

Edited January 10, 2018 by ZayKayWill

January 10, 2018

I'm not sure what the accepted definition of fwb is, but when I think about it I think about a person choosing to ring their fwb instead of going to a club trying to pick up. Or they're sitting at home and horny, so instead on swiping on Tinder they ring their fwb because they know there's compatibility and a guarantee.

In either of those scenarios the fwb becomes obsolete when the person has a partner do they not?

So even if the habit is that he had sex with either of these women at times when he was just looking for a good time then, now that he need not look for a good time any further than me, doesn't that mean the habit is broken? If he wants a good time, here I am, I'm his gf, and I'm available. No need for him to even consider his fwb.

I hope I explained that well enough to make sense? But again, I still can't help but wanting him out of there.

Listen, it's perfectly okay and understandable that you have these feelings and worries and it's okay to communicate your concerns with him. What's NOT okay is expecting him to leave his living situation because 'it will make you feel better'. Because let me tell you, if you keep suggesting to him that he NEEDS to move out or else...you are gonna very clearly show him that you don't trust him, and THEN you very well may have something to worry about down the road.

Tell him how the situation makes you feel, but please for the love of all that's good don't back him into a corner. That will just make everything worse.

If you really want to, you're more than welcome to send me a message and we can improvise how the conversation will go with you and him... I can be him and you can just be you...just a suggestion. If you want.

Edited January 10, 2018 by ZayKayWill

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