He still lives with his fwb's

[Dianne hippychick]

I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for 5 months. He shares a house with 3 women. They’ve been living together for about 6 years. So not a big deal really. But as I’ve got to know him and his circle of friends I’ve found out that he has a fwb relationship with 2 of them, 1 since they were like in high school and the other just since they moved in together. So about 12 years and 6 years respectively. I have spoken to him about it and why he never told me and he told me that he knew I’d probably be uneasy about it. Damn right. He swears that whenever any of them are in relationships that they’re out of bounds so to speak. He swears he has never and would never cheat.

 

I just don’t feel comfortable with this. I asked him to move in with me but he says it’s too early (only 5 months), but he’d love to if we’re still together down the track. When pressed he said 12-18 months. I don’t even feel comfortable going over there anymore. I look at these 2 women and all I see is 2 women that want my man. That’s not really fair on them because before I knew this I thought they were pretty decent people. But it’s how I feel and I can’t stop it.

 

So what the deal here? Is it me or him being unreasonable? I can’t imagine anyone feeling comfortable with their boyfriend living with effectively 2 ex girlfriends, especially when they were still fwb right up to when we started dating. He says the last time he had sex with either of them was 8/9 months ago.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

:eek::eek::eek:

[stillafool]

They aren't ex gfs they are ex FWBs. They've already had your man. They probably aren't interested in more with him than they had of him or he wouldn't be with you.

[BaileyB]

I would not be comfortable with this, at all...

[FilterCoffee]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He could easily cheat on you and you’d never know! Not the ideal conditions for building trust. You should seriously consider ending this because you’re never going to feel comfortable with this arrangement.

[central]

I can understand why you're uncomfortable, but as stillafool said, they'd have him as a bf if that's what he and they wanted.

 

 

 

 

I've had a FWB who got into a relationship, and we stopped having sex. She got serious with him, and we even cut contact because he was uncomfortable. It was a normal jealousy, but totally unfounded, and has cost us a friendship, unfortunately.

 

 

So, I would believe him when he says that they're no longer involved because he's in a relationship with you. And he's also right when he says it's too early to move in with you. IMO, that should never happen before at least a year or more of dating someone, because all too often things don't work out, and then you may be stuck with an unwanted roommate.

 

 

So, if you can deal with this - and he's a good match for you - then try to accept it and see what the future holds. If you can't, then get out now and move on.

[d0nnivain]

I would not be comfortable dating a man who lives with not one but 2 women he previously slept with. I could never walk in that house.

 

At 5 months, he's right that it's too early for you two to live together. You aren't ready for that commitment.

 

It's also unfair of you to expect him to move. If he's not smart enough to realize that his present living situation makes him unattractive, that is on him.

 

Sadly that only leaves one option -- a break up. Look at it this way, it's only been 5 months.

[smackie9]

IMO this speaks volumes about his character.......ick

[Sunlight72]

Living with them both? Just stopped sleeping with both of them a few months before you two got together? I wonder how precise his math is?

 

It would not work for me unless I was super casual about open relationships. Obviously all three of them are. They all live together, and have been sleeping with each other and (?) other people, and are very kosher with it all.

 

I don't see why you'd feel you can hope for him to be bonded and intimate with just you. I realize FWB is different than a committed relationship, but anyone needs to be emotionally close to stick with intimate acts for 12 and 6 years.

 

I also agree 5 months is too soon to move in with you.

 

It's easy for me to say since it's not my heart involved, but I think you should let him enjoy his sex mates and split up.

 

When some boredom or difficulty comes up between you and him, of course he will talk with them about it, and of course they'll console him, and .... even if they don't sleep together, you are the odd duck out.

 

They live together?

 

No way, can't do it.

 

If you enjoy pain, just get a hammer and start smashing your toes. At least then you can be the one to stop when you've had enough.

[Sunlight72]

I understand your offer of him moving in with you. But, you can't be the one to get him to do that, he has to move out on his own, by his own choice and his own reasons.

 

You also shouldn't stick with him and wait for him to move out if he says he'll start looking for his own place. That will be interminable and drag on for months/years while you keep wondering when it might happen and why.

 

One lesson I as a guy have learned is that if you are adamant that he not be living with these women, but you are still interested in a relationship with him, the healthy way forward is to tell him clearly why you can't be with him in this situation. And break up.

 

Don't tell him what to do, or suggest it.

 

If he is more serious about you than he is about them, or his short term comfort of finding a new living arrangement, he will move out and pursue you. If he does, then consider if you want to be with him at that time.

 

Actions are the only real language here. You two have very different gauges on what is a relationship, and your words won't communicate to him how meaningful (in a bad way) this situation is to you. Your actions will.

 

Best Wishes.

[BluesPower]

Central is right...

 

My Current GF, is uncomfortable with some of my Ex's that hang around some.

 

But I don't want to be with them or they would not be Ex's.

 

She is kind of uncomfortable with the perceived number of women that I have been with. (I refuse to give numbers, who cares is my attitude.)

 

But like I told her, 1) I don't want to sleep around any more, and 2) What would you rather have, a man that does not know anything about women or sex, or a man that has experience and takes you to places you have never been.

 

She seems to like the latter.

 

If your guy is trustworthy, and time will tell, then you can trust him. If not you will know soon enough.

 

Just because you have been with a lot of women does not mean that you want to continue to do that.

 

I for one, want a relationship with a woman that I am in love with. She is the one, and I intend to keep it that way. I have no need to sleep with other women, I just want her. And, I would not screw that up for a romp with some random woman.

 

And, yes, 5 months is way too quick to move in together, as hard as that can be sometimes. You have to be with someone for a while until you decide if you want that to be permanent.

[elaine567]

Central is right...

 

My Current GF, is uncomfortable with some of my Ex's that hang around some.

 

But I don't want to be with them or they would not be Ex's.

 

She is kind of uncomfortable with the perceived number of women that I have been with. (I refuse to give numbers, who cares is my attitude.)

 

But like I told her, 1) I don't want to sleep around any more, and 2) What would you rather have, a man that does not know anything about women or sex, or a man that has experience and takes you to places you have never been.

 

She seems to like the latter.

 

If your guy is trustworthy, and time will tell, then you can trust him. If not you will know soon enough.

 

Just because you have been with a lot of women does not mean that you want to continue to do that.

 

I for one, want a relationship with a woman that I am in love with. She is the one, and I intend to keep it that way. I have no need to sleep with other women, I just want her. And, I would not screw that up for a romp with some random woman.

 

And, yes, 5 months is way too quick to move in together, as hard as that can be sometimes. You have to be with someone for a while until you decide if you want that to be permanent.

Slightly different scenario in that you are not living with your exes, I presume.

[Timshel]

Central is right...

 

My Current GF, is uncomfortable with some of my Ex's that hang around some.

 

But I don't want to be with them or they would not be Ex's.

 

She is kind of uncomfortable with the perceived number of women that I have been with. (I refuse to give numbers, who cares is my attitude.)

 

But like I told her, 1) I don't want to sleep around any more, and 2) What would you rather have, a man that does not know anything about women or sex, or a man that has experience and takes you to places you have never been.

 

She seems to like the latter.

 

If your guy is trustworthy, and time will tell, then you can trust him. If not you will know soon enough.

 

Just because you have been with a lot of women does not mean that you want to continue to do that.

 

I for one, want a relationship with a woman that I am in love with. She is the one, and I intend to keep it that way. I have no need to sleep with other women, I just want her. And, I would not screw that up for a romp with some random woman.

 

And, yes, 5 months is way too quick to move in together, as hard as that can be sometimes. You have to be with someone for a while until you decide if you want that to be permanent.

 

I get this Blues, I do. Answer honestly though, if your gf was the one with ex's hanging about, would you feel the same?

 

OP, if he is living with his former fwb or not, dating is about getting to know someone well enough to decide long term compatibility. You have learned something that has changed the current dynamic of your relationship at this point.

 

Every step has value. If this disclosure has crossed a line for you...it has. Moving in together is not the answer. If the two of you have a future together, your bf is already aware of this and will respect your opinion and take appropriate actions.

 

The person who is an appropriate long term partner for you will figure this out with you, together....one of a long stream of compromises and decision making processes that long term partners make together..or not.

 

If not him, someone better suited for yourself will come along.

[Sunlight72]

I see what you're saying...

My Current GF, is uncomfortable with some of my Ex's that hang around some.

But, Ex's that hang around some is way different than living with two FWB's.

 

He never broke up with them because they weren't committed in the first place. He doesn't need to 'get back together with' them for their relationship to change from 'no-sex', to 'yes-sex'.

If your guy is trustworthy, and time will tell, then you can trust him. If not you will know soon enough.

She'll only know if he tells her. Every night/day he goes home to them, especially if OP and Guy have not seen each other recently, OP is travelling, OP and Guy have any disagreements, etc. she'll be wondering what they're doing without her.

 

Unless he tells her he's exactly what he did & didn't do with them, often, I don't see how they can build trust in this scenario. And that reporting in is no way to build trust either. I just don't see how he's left any room to build trust.

[BaileyB]

IMO this speaks volumes about his character.......ick

 

This. Exactly.

[O'Malley]

As others have said, it's too early to move in together.

 

I know that having former romantic or sexual partners as roommates works fine for some people, but I personally wouldn't be willing to take the chance. Imo the increased intimacy of living together plus the long term history can foster possessiveness or romantic feelings, even if they are are only one-sided. That he was sexually involved with the one roommate right up until you got together would would just add to my reservations about the situation. This guy might not be a cheater and his prior involvement with these two women may be water under the bridge for him, but the dynamic doesn't seem healthy.

[Sunlight72]

Basically, he's going to spend more time in the same house with his two FWBs than with OP. Every Day.

 

They are who he will see in the morning, in the kitchen, in the hallway, the evening, middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.

 

Diane_hippychick, he will see when they can make time and plans to get together.

 

It's completely the wrong equation for me.

[kendahke]

OP--When did you find out he was living with 2 ex FWB's? This week?

 

I don't think he ever gave any thought to how his living arrangements would look to someone on the outside--he had all of his dating/sexual needs pretty much taken care of without opening the front door before you came on the scene. He's not going to see how messy that looks to someone not in it.

 

Well, you're in a really precarious position right now. You're 5 months in, so well within the time frame when the "on their best behavior" representatives are dismissed in a new relationship and the "real you" comes to the fore. It's way too soon to be thinking of living together and he's not seeing long term relationships through the lens of living in a way that would comfortably bring that around. He's looking through the lens of "I'm single, you're single, wanna smash?"

 

Unless he's got the money to afford living in a way that meets with your approval (or you can afford to subsidize an arrangement that meets with your approval) , I would get off the "you need to move" tip with a quickness. What you need to decide is if you can stomach the situation for the next 12-18 months, since that's the time frame he's given you to work with. If you can't for any reason hang with this and work within the parameters, then this guy isn't going to be the one for you. His living arrangement is going to have you at his throat constantly and it will inform every lash-out and fight you two get into for the foreseeable future. If it's bothering you this much now, it's really going to be bothering you a lot a year from now.

[SpinScratch]

Call me jealous or insecure or whatever.... "We are just friends" doesn't fly with me under any circumstances. But co-ed room mates?? Even if there was no sex... No way!

[elaine567]

I honestly do not see many men accepting that their gf is living with two fwbs.

FWBs that she has been sleeping with for 6 and 12, not weeks, not months but YEARS...

Do not be a fool.

I guess that habit will be hard to break even if he does end up living with you.

[ZayKayWill]

I can see why you're uncomfortable with this situation, but before calling it quits, why not get to know the girls or maybe observe how they behave in front of your boyfriend? Believe it or not this thing of still living with past lovers or FWBs actually isn't very uncommon. It honestly sounds to me like you don't even know these women or how they interact with your boyfriend. This is just me, but I feel that if you were to get to know the girls better, then maybe you would be more comfortable with the situation.

 

I know some people who still lived with their ex when they had another bf/gf in the picture and they made it work out. It's all about that trust. You'd be amazed at how deeply people can trust and how much it actually works out with people not being unfaithful. For all you know it could be beneficial that he's living with these girls in the sense that they support and help him like no one else would...if that makes sense. For all you know this living situation could be the most ideal and practical situation for him. You wouldn't want him to ditch it because you don't think he's a trustworthy person....do you?

 

If you really can't handle it, then break up. Or you can try to make it work out by getting to know his situation better before calling it quits. Basically you should get to know the situation better so you can see if you can trust him or not. That will be your cue to take action.

Edited January 8, 2018 by ZayKayWill

[ZayKayWill]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He could easily cheat on you and you’d never know! Not the ideal conditions for building trust. You should seriously consider ending this because you’re never going to feel comfortable with this arrangement.

 

Um you mean like in every relationship period?

[preraph]

Well, he wasn't being up front and honest with you about this, so he's already lied bigtime. Of course, you're not being unreasonable. Him saying you two are exclusive is a load. My best advice to you is if you don't want to just outright dump him, then at the very least you should date others as well because he is not exclusive and he's known those two a long time and it's unlikely that even him moving out would stop them all from sleeping together. So date other guys. Not saying just go out and sleep with someone to get even. I'm saying you were never exclusive, so you are free to date and you should. Because what you can't do if you are not okay with this is keep things as they are and send the message that that is okay and that there are no consequences.

 

Don't throw it in his face, just be busy sometimes giving other guys a chance. Definitely do not move in with him. It won't stop him.

[Timshel]

I’ve been dating a guy exclusively for 5 months. He shares a house with 3 women. They’ve been living together for about 6 years. So not a big deal really. But as I’ve got to know him and his circle of friends I’ve found out that he has a fwb relationship with 2 of them, 1 since they were like in high school and the other just since they moved in together. So about 12 years and 6 years respectively. I have spoken to him about it and why he never told me and he told me that he knew I’d probably be uneasy about it. Damn right. He swears that whenever any of them are in relationships that they’re out of bounds so to speak. He swears he has never and would never cheat.

 

I just don’t feel comfortable with this. I asked him to move in with me but he says it’s too early (only 5 months), but he’d love to if we’re still together down the track. When pressed he said 12-18 months. I don’t even feel comfortable going over there anymore. I look at these 2 women and all I see is 2 women that want my man. That’s not really fair on them because before I knew this I thought they were pretty decent people. But it’s how I feel and I can’t stop it.

 

So what the deal here? Is it me or him being unreasonable? I can’t imagine anyone feeling comfortable with their boyfriend living with effectively 2 ex girlfriends, especially when they were still fwb right up to when we started dating. He says the last time he had sex with either of them was 8/9 months ago.

 

If you can't imagine it Dianne, then you can't. Better days, more compatible lover.

[BluesPower]

I get this Blues, I do. Answer honestly though, if your gf was the one with ex's hanging about, would you feel the same?

 

OP, if he is living with his former fwb or not, dating is about getting to know someone well enough to decide long term compatibility. You have learned something that has changed the current dynamic of your relationship at this point.

 

Every step has value. If this disclosure has crossed a line for you...it has. Moving in together is not the answer. If the two of you have a future together, your bf is already aware of this and will respect your opinion and take appropriate actions.

 

The person who is an appropriate long term partner for you will figure this out with you, together....one of a long stream of compromises and decision making processes that long term partners make together..or not.

 

If not him, someone better suited for yourself will come along.

 

Yes I totally get it...

 

I am just talking about trust.

 

But, if OP does not feel good about it, I say trust your gut.

 

I am just pointing out that just because you slept with someone does not mean that you will in the future, but then it does not mean that you won't.

 

I know that goes against conventional wisdom, and maybe it should. But there are a lot of woman that I don't sleep with because I am in a relationship.

 

And in your situation, I am not sure that I would be cool about it. For me, I am much older and my girl knows that if I am going to be exclusive she had better be. At the same time, we are in a different place that OP and her boyfriend.

 

This situation is dicey...